" - my phone plan works in Mexico also, because I'm there twice a week."

" - so, we have been unable to identify any geographic features we've flown over including some big notable ones. I'd say 'okay, so my Central and South American geography isn't that great', but we also haven't flown far enough to reach Central or South America. We have no fucking idea where this plane is, and I hope your phone works when we land but I bet it won't. So - we're trying to find a better place than the lake to land but also a populated city to land near if we land in the lake."

"That's not funny."

"Prep the cabin for a water landing. There's a note in the guidelines to make sure no one opens the aft doors, they may be partially submerged and if they are they'll just let water in. We'll tell you the ditching is imminent at 500 feet. The chime that lets you call us is going to be disabled below 5000 feet."

"How do you get lost in a commercial plane in 2023."

" - sorry. We'll prepare the cabin for an emergency water landing. Seat people as far forward as possible, life vests, check the people with the overwing exits can operate them, make sure no one tries to get their bag out of the overhead bin, brace at 500 feet. Need anything else?"

"No." I'm sorry, he wants to say, for getting this plane lost and putting these people in danger, but they both need to do their jobs, not talk about their jobs. 

He sits back down. 

"Visibility's worse on the north side of the lake, I'm turning back around. There's a couple of small towns, no paved roads, and that's all we've got. They do appear to have harbors with boats, so if we get their attention hopefully the boats will come out to see if we need help. I think I'm going to target about a third of a mile from shore. I don't have any idea how to tell how deep the lake is but it's probably deeper out towards the middle. A third of a mile is - a strong swimmer can make it, get the rest of us some help."

"Flight crew was less than impressed with 'we don't know where the plane is and we don't expect to be able to call for help'."

"I bet they'll have to make a half dozen new regulations about whatever it is we did wrong.

I want to try to go in pretty low over the water where we'll be landing, see if we can get a sense of the wind conditions, any obstructions, and maybe the depth of the water that way. And a closer view of the town, in case it helps us identify the location better. Then I intend to climb again and hold over the south shore of the lake at five thousand feet, do our landing checklists, get confirmation from the cabin crew that they're ready, get to our desired fuel levels, and then start the descent - over the town to get their attention, over the lake to get a feel for the winds, and then land."

"And if we need to go around?"

"Up and to the left, climbing back to five thousand and the hold we were just using."

"That's a steep climb."

"You like four thousand better?"

"I think so? It means the second approach is a little different from the first but not that much and it's not like most of the usual reasons to climb farther after a go-around apply."

"Sure. Climb back to between four and five thousand as convenient given our workload if we go around. If visibility is worsening, we land immediately. If we get radio contact before we've committed to the landing, we go around and ask what they'd like us to do. If that part of the lake isn't suitable for landing when we take a look, we try other parts of the lake, near the other towns ideally."

"Works for me."

"Let's do a touch rehearsal of the ditching checklist." You bring your fingers to each button like you're pressing it, and call it out and get confirmation from your copilot exactly like you're doing it for real. It should mean they're a bit less fumbling about it, on the actual final descent. 

"Pressurization, Land Alt."

"Land Alt."

"Recall checked."

"Checked."

"Autobrake off."

"Off."