(Authors note: not based on a true story. This is drawing from real feelings of powerlessness and manipulation, but nothing like this ever happened to me. Do not worry.)
My therapist says I should tell someone how I got here, or at least write it down, so I guess I’ll do that.
My therapist keeps telling me what happened was terrible, but in the moment it didn’t feeeeel terrible. I enjoyed almost every moment. I guess I was young and it’s in the abstract bad for that kind of thing to happen to young people, but I can’t bring myself to hate what happened, even the scary parts. I don't even blame her, even though looking back on things the way she took advantage of me was kind of fucked up. But she did love me in her own way, and she ended up being my entire world for most of my life.
It’s hard to seperate that out of myself you know? I know my dependance on her was something she did on purpose, but.. I still miss it. If I was given the chance to relive my childhood with her, I’d probably take it, even though I feel gross and bad for saying that. Idk, this is probably bad of me to still want that even though I know it was wrong and I never got the chance to experience a normal life to compare against what happened. Knowing something is bad and feeling something is bad are different though.
So yeah, I’m gonna write down all the ‘bad’ stuff that happened to me. I can with hindsight recognize intellectually all the fucked up things she did to me, the way she changed me to suit her better. But I’ll still love her, probably for the rest of my life. My therapist will probably be upset that I’d say something like that, but this isn’t for her. It’s for me.