She makes a face. "That's kind of dath ilani."

"They're probably also correct about the color of the sky."

"And plausibly about a lot of things, but it's hard to tell from here how much they had instincts that are actually somewhat appropriate to this situation because of knowledge of the broader multiverse they concealed from people like Keltham, or had no information at all about that, how much the things they taught about ideal reasoners are applicable to negotiating with gods..."

"I want to swear Dispater to secrecy and then ask Him. He's not on our side, obviously, but as not a full god He's easier to just talk with, and He'd know, and Erecura got divinity from Pharasma and I bet knows lots more than anyone alive about what kinds of things are actually possible to ask Pharasma for."

"That's not an awful idea."

"Wow, thanks."

"I don't know if it's a good idea. We're into very strange territory, here. Generally I would never talk to an archdevil for any reason."

"I acknowledge that I have low standards and also that I was straightforwardly being manipulated by hostile entities who torture people for fun, but He treated me like I wasn't livestock, like my growing stronger was a potential shared interest of ours. He could exist in my Hell, I think. - without the torturing people for fun.

I don't actually know if He tortures people for fun or just because it's the done thing. What He told me He'd do to me if I failed was hand me off to one of the counts of Hell whose pride I'd wounded.

Kind of fucked up how at this point that sounds like an unusually good eternal fate for me."

"I really think we can do better than that."

"I'm just terrified we'll do worse.

...every time Keltham is - terrifying, or horrible, I feel - like I deserve it, because I hurt him worse and first, and like I don't deserve it, because I never wanted to hurt him, and like I should forgive him because he's in pain and like I'd never forgive myself for that reason and why shouldn't I hold him to the same standard and I hate him for not being - good enough to do the thing he's trying to do, and trying to do it anyway - but I used to admire that about him, I remember admiring that about him..."

"Sorry. I don't know what I'm asking."

"Well, if the question is, did you hurt him, yeah, you really really did. And if the question is, is he handling it in the manner Iomedae would handle it, no, he really really isn't. I don't think he wants to. And if the question is, is any of that going to get better, ever....

....probably not? I've seen some serious interpersonal wounds heal but not when events were basically guaranteed to keep salting them."

"This is really really stupid but I kind of hoped he would react in some way when I explained about Elias Abarco."

"That doesn't sound really really stupid."

"I think it's that - it's not that I mind that he had sex with me! I'm not twelve! I was going to give him Tonia, except that Cayden Cailean intervened, which, in hindsight, might not have just been Cayden Cailean randomly doing shit, if He was trying to protect the Project girls so Keltham could be reasoned with - though if that was what He was doing you'd think Keltham could be reasoned with and he isn't showing it - 

- wow, I sound like a terrible person even to myself, when I talk about this - 

- but anyway, the thing that was upsetting about it was that I'd promised Keltham I wouldn't, and it was, actually, weirdly upsetting, I think about it every time I see Abarco and it's been like three months now and I realize that's on me - and, so, it feels wrong, or something, for Keltham not to care, like there's something there I thought was real that never was -"

"Abarco raped you?"

" - kind of? I mean, calling it that feels like I wasn't happy that no one felt sorry for me so I just decided to pick a more dramatic word for it. He had permission from my superiors, it wasn't like he committed a crime or something."

" - you know it's very normal to be upset if someone raped you even if they had permission from your superiors?"

"I can't think of a single guy I slept with except Keltham who'd have taken it well if I told him no and I've never had problems before!"

"What....are you imagining Iomedae thinks about this."

"That I should grow up and stop feeling sorry for myself?"

"Wow. 

No. 

Okay. I think we should back up a little. 

The only solution I've ever run across to not wanting to be an actor in the world, to looking at this world and thinking it's too hard and confusing and scary, to wanting someone else to run it for you, to looking for some rule you can follow instead of doing your best, is to do the hard thing and stop looking for shortcuts. People try a lot of other stuff. Never super seen any of it work.

That is not the correct solution to being traumatized in full generality."

"Fine, then, what is?"

"Well, generally, you expect that if someone raped you then you're going to be fucked up about that, definitely if you have to keep working with them, definitely if it's only been three months, and also you might reasonably wish your boyfriend was upset on your behalf when he found out, and feel gratified if other people are upset on your behalf when they find out, and feel like that's one of the hurts your relationship with Keltham did you, that you weren't able to tell him until much later, and he wasn't able to comfort you -"