She opens it. 

He steps inside and closes the door.

"Carissa Sevar does not like the thought of me taking possibly any risks of destroying the universe and I told her that it was looking like my best-alternative-to-negotiated-agreement was turning her into a statue for a week and she had a panic attack and I thought she was over that she told me before she was over the statue thing and the story is making me a villain and I do not want to be a villain and I do not like being a villain especially to her this was not how I wanted to finally be the villain to her and force her to do something for real the way she wanted to be forced for real and our relationship is over I need a hug."

- she hugs him. She's taller than him, with a build that's not entirely human; she says she's half-something, but what the something is changes every time.

"I am just absolutely bursting with advice but possibly this is not the time."

"I think this is, in fact, a pretty good time to be reminded of - things my people would think were common sense -"

"I suspect it's a time."

"Okay, number one, she's Chelish, if she ever said she doesn't have trauma, she was lying. That's on her, not on you, but so far as knowing what to expect goes, yeah, she has trauma, she's fucking built out of it. Cheliax is awful, yeah? That's why we have to end it. 

Number two, like sixty percent of relationship problems are, 'we had that conversation and got wildly different things out of it', so maybe have someone have her write down what she thinks her major takeaways were, just so you can compare and marvel at the mortal condition. I don't know how anyone reads their own past notes, or two different records of the same conversation, and doesn't want to dissolve the whole universe in a vat of acid. 

Number three, you also have trauma, dumbass! From her, specifically, lying to you and manipulating you! From her trying to get you to hurt her!"

"None of that hurt at the time.  All the trauma was at the end and - therefore I am not hurt, which is completely logical, right -"

"Yes, I realize none of that made any sense, however, what you don't realize is, that's not the issue, the issue is that Carissa is completely unreasonable about ending the universe."

"Everyone's completely unreasonable about ending the universe. That's the other forty percent of relationship problems that aren't miscommunications."

"Is there a reason you're not just, telling me that I'm valid, which was sort of, why I was here?  A reason such as for example my not being valid."

"Honey, I have no fucking idea what happened from your description. You told her you were going to statue her, she had a panic attack? Sounds to me like you're valid, and also she's valid, kinda? Probably if you tell people that you're going to statue them, then solidly eighty percent of the time they'll have a panic attack. You know I think you're if anything trying too hard at avoiding destroying the universe and that she's batshit insane about that."

"Everyone in Civilization would try pretty hard to fix any universe, even this one, rather than destroying it, they'd just, have the maturity to accept destroying a universe if they had to, if the universe was one where a third of souls hurt forever or die if they're lucky, and Carissa Sevar is an alien whose views are sort of internally consistent at least but I don't understand why everybody who isn't Carissa Sevar is, is, this reality is like an insane parody of arguments against negative utilitarianism, is what it is, it's a giant straw reality because nobody who argues against negative utilitarianism would say that you shouldn't even destroy Pharasma's Creation and people here are in some kind of bizarre state of not thinking about Hell because they grew up with Hell always being there and it's like this whole, insanity, is trying to crush in on me like the Evil planes weigh on your spirit if you go there without protection and I need you to say the simple sane things first and put the complicated relationship advice later."

"There are billions of people in Hell and they're suffering horribly and pointlessly.

You couldn't ask them, 'hey, want me to destroy the universe', because they'd assume it was some cruel trick that was going to hurt them worse.

Every day more people are born who'll end up in Hell.

No one has a plan that will solve this any time soon.

Even outside Hell most people have awful coerced painful lives where they're scared and suffering practically the entire time.

Having kids in this world is horribly immoral.

People only do it because they don't have a choice, or have never thought in their life about whether anyone should exist, or are making sure not to think about the Evil afterlives."

"Okay, see, that still isn't what I was looking for because the people outside of Evil afterlives, if you ask them, will say not to kill them, whereas the people in Hell say to please kill them, I literally heard somebody say it when I cast Vision of Hell, and how am I the only one who thinks that yes you destroy the multiverse because the people in Hell explicitly want that very intensely and there are lots of them, however, I have at least now heard both sides being crazy instead of only one side being crazy so I still feel very alone but not like some kind of massive social group hallucination is trying to choke me with its ghostly bare hands."

"You may proceed to relationship advice."

"Assign someone who is not you to keeping the chick out of trouble and punishing her if she acts up."

"That's terrible advice.  The 'chick' has an artifact headband more powerful than mine and is very likely now this story's protagonist and if I try to casually leave her to my minions it will not end well."

"- okay, point taken, but the thing you're doing is incredibly, incredibly doomed. You and her have a history where you hurt her 'cause it's hot. Now, you broke it off, and you're doing the exact same thing except it's for real, and both of you fall apart when it turns out that in real life, hurting people hurts them."

"Cool.  My story has given me a deadline of basically a couple of weeks modulo time dilation, by the end of which I need to either finish up the main plot, turn Egorian into ash, or watch Cheliax attack Osirion, and I am guessing it's supposed to be finish-the-main-plot.  Carissa has Wishes I need to be more intelligent now and the headband I need to be more intelligent now and what she wants to do instead is become INT 29 herself right away which, as much as it is extremely Carissa, is not, I think, going to help, because in fact there are not ways to save the world and especially not quickly that don't involve being willing to destroy the multiverse if necessary, and Carissa has an extreme non-nuanced position on not destroying the multiverse where she can't point to a particular quantitative balance of people in bad afterlives versus people not in bad afterlives and instead is just nope nope nope.  Why is the protagonist allowed to be like this?  It's supposed to be the villain who has the non-nuanced position where they start out thinking there's no point in even talking to you about it!"

"I digress.  What, exactly, am I supposed to do instead of hurting her?"

"Well, I'm not convinced about all this 'this is a story' stuff, and I kind of figure that if this is a story then it will in fact end and everyone'll stop existing regardless so we should only worry about not being in a story, but in a story, you are definitely supposed to talk to her and figure out the stupid miscommunication that is 60% of the problem.

In not a story - well, you can still talk to her. That sometimes works in real life. And if it doesn't, you can either decide you're not going to force her to give you the Wishes and headband, or that you are going to force her to give you the Wishes and headband whatever that requires doing to her, but you can only decide that if there's something you are capable of doing that makes her give you the Wishes and headband, yeah? And you gotta have it in mind before you start down that road."

"Dominate Person would be the obvious thing to try for the headband."

"I could never go back to being a cleric of Abadar afterwards, but it'd be the obvious thing to try, if I wanted to just take her stuff."

"There is, I think, basically no amount of pain you can apply to Carissa that will make her hand Wishes to you.  She would, if she isn't ilani enough to be beyond threats now, yield them if you threatened to otherwise Plane Shift her to Abaddon, and I will Plane Shift myself to Abaddon before I threaten her with that."

"Not that I don't relate to the impulse to Plane Shift to Abaddon now and then but I do not really recommend it, here. So it sounds like you don't, actually, have a good way to get her stuff by force, so you gotta try the 'talk to her' thing. ...you're talking like when you wear your personality headband, but you're not wearing it. Should you put it on?"

"Oh, that's funny.  So the key to still having a personality at INT 24 is having my ex-girlfriend ANNOY ME ENOUGH that my EMOTIONS COME BACK."

"It would be more of a solution to anything if I WANTED TO HAVE EMOTIONS while needing to, on every single plan I've come up with so far, destroy at least one city, which, you know, you are really supposed to leave to the Keepers or at least the Law-Abiding Sociopaths, and not try to do while being a normal person with a normal personality."

"Wellllll, you could destroy the cities and then have the ex-girlfriend annoy you back into having a personality, instead of doing it in the other order?"

"Iiiiiii suspect she has some actual story purpose here which is not that, what with her being the protagonist and all."

"Carissa already, I'm pretty sure inadvertently, talked me into giving up on all my tries at finding complicated alternatives and just releasing Rovagug myself, because otherwise Asmodeus may release It anyways.  I suppose that makes you happy."

"Well, I mean, depends whether He eats the world or not? But I gotta say, it's definitely a move in the right direction."

"Out of context, given that we're on track to release Rovagug, I'm pretty sure It won't succeed at destroying Pharasma's Creation, maybe Golarion or at worst Golarion's Material plane but definitely not the whole multiverse.  Which I would ordinarily be trying very hard not to think about.  But, since it's you and your preference ordering is flipped at that end of things, I want to make sure you are still fundamentally okay with our agreement and your oath to me and you getting isekaied to wherever, if the result of all that work is just the multiverse being fixed up a bit and not Rovagug eating everything."