here's to all that we kissed | Glowfic Constellation

the-sunny-side

By the judgment of the High Council, Anakin Skywalker, padawan to Master Elesse Vendar, is ready to seriously pursue her Trials of Knighthood. She's young for it, especially by modern standards - barely eighteen - but she's made remarkable progress under Elesse's tutelage, they hold, and she's already passed the Trials of Courage, Skill, and Insight through the course of her apprenticeship. She'd passed Courage and Skill at sixteen in successfully holding off a Sith Lord until her Master could join her in the fight, and she passed the Trial of Insight throughout the year after, as she pursued treatment for her own psychosis, recognizing the tricks her own mind played on her as illusions.

(There'd been a debate on if this counted for the Trial of Spirit, but - not quite, the Council believed, and none of them were privy to the true challenges Anakin had faced alongside Elesse in that year.)

(None of them were privy to the full details of her undercover mission with Elesse, the one that ended in her crossing lightsabers with a Sith. Certainly not to the ways Elesse tortured Anakin, to maintain and further their cover - that would count for the Trial of Flesh several times over, though Anakin doesn't exactly regret having an excuse to demonstrate her pain tolerance again.)

The Trials don't have to be back to back - they rarely are, especially when intentionally administered - and by tradition, she should pass the Trial of Flesh before undergoing the Trial of Spirit.

There's traditional methods, which one chosen idiosyncratic to the padawan, the Master, and the whims of current fads. But the Trial of Flesh always involves overcoming and pushing through great hardship - tremendous pain, sacrifice, losses that sear one to the bone. (Sometimes literally. 'Interrogation techniques' are a popular fallback, and the worst of those are, well. Some would find the description of having their flesh slowly burned away gruesome. Anakin had needed to excuse herself from her and Elesse's common room after reading about it.)

And so, to her Elesse, tone light and teasing and trying not to sound too desperately breathy -

"The real problem for this Trial might be finding a pain that's a genuine hardship for me to bear." Then, more seriously: "I'd - like this to be something you do, though, especially if we'll need to challenge my limits."

(That's what Trials are supposed to do. Life isn't kind, and doesn't care much for safewords.)

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the-sunny-side

But the Force sweeps her away, and she turns -

And she tries to find her own body. To find her breath, her core - the deep well of her self knowledge -

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Anakin comes awake in a body she'd left nearly empty, feeling like she's burning alive - she flails, reaches for Elesse -

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Elesse hurries forward to catch her.

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Hug!

And she starts sobbing.

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"There now." Hug. "It's all right, I've got you."

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"You weren't there," she gasps out, her throat tight - "I couldn't reach you - "

(She doesn't know, precisely, if it's her or an echo of that horrendous vision talking.)

(She's scared.)

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"The trial was for you, not I," but Anakin has a history of seeing more than others, visions reaching farther, which is why Elesse argued strongly that she should be here at all. "What you saw-"

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She's shaking.

(She has a whole host of bad associations with pushing thoughts at people now, and she's shaking too much to just invite Elesse in - let her see - and Anakin doesn't know if that'd be hazardous too - )

"I nearly died," she whispers, suddenly certain that - if she'd failed to pull back before the malestorm ripped the other Anakin apart -

She would still exist, but it wouldn't be her, and she then might not have found her way back at all.

((There's an undercurrent of secondhand betrayal in her heart.))

"I couldn't get out - I tried to reach you - "

supposed-to-know

Elesse's Force presence is here, warm and comforting.

"You made it out. You made it back."

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The presence in the Force helps. The words don't. She already knows she survived, that she'll always make it out somehow or another.

"Existing isn't the only thing that matters," she whispers.

(There's deep cracks in her shields. Anakin isn't able to open them, to invite Elesse in - but Elesse could look, if she wanted.)

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She does, making sure that Anakin can feel her presence.

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She does.

She burrows into Elesse's hold. She doesn't try to keep Elesse from seeing anything she wants to look at.

The echo of the visions are pretty obvious in her mind. Anakin's nervous about Elesse touching them - about Elesse getting harmed.

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Elesse can handle herself. And she needs to see what Anakin has.

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It's all there.

(Did Elesse hear, when Anakin called? When she asked for help? Did she - could she have responded, was that a choice - )

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She didn't hear. She would have come in an instant, would have interposed herself, taken the burden of the vision.

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Hug.

(The relief that washes through her nearly breaks her again - but it was a breaking she needed, the straightening of a bone trying to heal crooked - )

She's sorting herself, as Elesse looks. Detangling herself from the deep immersion, using the passing of Elesse's attention as an anchor.

And from that sorting emerges -

Pity, mostly.

She wants to find that other her in person and - give her a hug, first, and fix everything for her second.

(The universe needs more pity, and less strength.)

(She wants Elesse to keep hugging her. She wants to know - that will never be us.)

supposed-to-know

It will not be, for so long as Elesse has anything to say about it.

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Good.

There were - internal problems, between those two. External problems too though - so many of those - in a way that - Anakin thinks broke any real chance of the internal problems being fixed, in a way that magnified them.

She thinks some of those external problems exist in their world, too.

Anakin -

She isn't strong enough to deal with those.

(That feels horrible to admit - she wouldn't have been able to admit it a year ago. Maybe not even a week ago.)

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Fortunately, Elesse is here. And she can help.

the-sunny-side

Except Elesse and not Anakin fixing things sounds like it'd require stopping hugging.

...If this - ends up meaning they need to work apart - Elesse needs to keep in touch with her a lot anyways, even if their paths need effort to cross.

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She will. She absolutely will.

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Snuggle.

(...She wants to get somewhere - not here, somewhere they won't be observed.)

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Their apartment?

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Yeah.

(She's not going to ask Elesse to torture or have sex with her tonight, not when they're so close, but Elesse should definitely pin Anakin to her bed. Be a weighted blanket.)

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