vanda nosseo in velgarth shortly after the Cataclysm
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"They were not angry." But his eyes are a very, very long way away. 

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"Then I don't understand what's wrong! You're sad. Is it - do you think it's a bad thing, that they've come here–"

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"No!" He says it in almost a shout, hands tightening around the papers that he's been looking at without seeing, before he lowers them to his lap. "...No. It is - I think they are telling the truth, about their aims and what they care about. I would put nine in ten odds on it. And even if they are not -" 

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"- Even then it's really really likely it's still better."

Her own hands are twisting around the hem of her tunic again. "Seven people," she says quietly. It's the number of outlaws who died to bring them rain, this spring and summer, and if they'd known that the harvest wasn't going to matter after all, it wouldn't have been worth it. 

But they didn't know, she doesn't see how they could possibly have. 

"I think they're sad too," she says quietly. "That they didn't get here faster. But I don't think it means you did the math wrong." 

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But he did get the math wrong. On a scale so much larger than seven lives that were pretty much forfeit anyway. And he doesn't even remember it clearly enough to untangle how or why. 

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Tsashi picks at the dirt under her thumbnail. "I sort of feel like you'd rather they were angry. But I think I'm missing something, 'cause I'm not angry, and I - if you'd wanted me to be you'd have taught me different things before. And," she swallows, "and one of the things you always said is that if you're gonna try to do the math right, you have to know all the pieces. And if you're confused then you don't know all the pieces or you're not putting them together right. So - can you please tell me what I don't know or what I'm not putting together right?" 

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What did he do to deserve this and Lionstar isn't even sure if he means that thought in a proud or frustrated way. It's hard to feel anything, right now. 

"It's - not the things that you think," he says, and even this much is for some reason incredibly hard. 

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"I figured that out! I'm not stupid." She shifts a little closer to him. "It's - something really bad. And you were scared that the aliens would be angry but they weren't. I - guess I don't know that means it can't have been that bad, just - that you won't do it again now that they're here. Which isn't surprising, if it was horrible, I know you, you only do awful things if the math comes out that it's worth it. And probably it won't ever be again." 

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Lionstar is looking straight ahead as though staring at something outside of the world. 

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Okay, what did she manage to say wrong this time? It would be so much easier to figure out what's wrong and what he needs from her to fix it if he would talk to her

"Lionstar, I won't think worse of you. Whatever it is." 

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He still isn't looking at her. "You should." 

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...The room feels oddly sharp and yet far away at the same time. 

"Okay, I guess if it's important information, then I'll - think about it and figure out if it means I should expect you to do different things in the future from what I thought. But I don't think it will. I think you're - the sort of person who will come here and start trying to help people you don't even know and do that for twenty years. You're the person who'll teach us how to do magic that doesn't even work yet, and design houses we won't be able to build for fifty or a hundred years. I - I want to understand you, no one else is like you, but - I think I already know the parts that matter." 

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She really, really doesn't. 

"The Cataclysm was my fault." 

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"That's–" 

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He gives her a look. Not angry, not warning, just very, very tired. 

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"I don't see how that's possible but none of us knew weather magic was possible either until you taught us so can you please explain." 

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Lionstar clearly very badly owes her an explanation and, somewhat to his own surprise, he wants to tell her. He...is having trouble determining whether he can. He was able to explain it once, but not very well and mostly by sort of not thinking about it while he said the words, and he owes Tsashi better than that. 

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"I'm sort of getting the sense that this is hard for you to talk about."

Which isn't something she's noticed with Lionstar, but her mother doesn't like to talk about what happened with her father, and lots of the adults who lived through the Cataclysm don't ever talk about it, and...on reflection there are a lot of topics that Lionstar has carefully steered away from. 

"I guess it'd make sense that it's upsetting. You - I think you do need to tell me but you can take your time." 

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Lionstar takes a deep breath. Then another.

 

It's...actually going to take him a couple of minutes to manage this, apparently. 

"I - was born before the Cataclysm."

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Well, yes, she already knew that part! It's why he knows all the magic. The children have speculated that maybe he studied at Urtho's Tower, though he must have been very young at the time. But if he did, does he - think that something he did caused the war...? 

 

Tsashi waits expectantly, not interrupting. 

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"- My body did not survive the Cataclysm. I had a precaution set up beforehand." 

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"Ohhhhhh." Her eyes widen. Of course he did, because he's brilliant. "And you - you were one of the mages. Who fought." 

(It's not a question and she does not, actually, need his nod to confirm.) 

It's almost impossible to believe and yet it makes perfect sense, somehow, the piece she had never realized was missing falling into place, and suddenly the rest makes sense. 

 

 

"....You were Urtho?" Wonder, awe. 

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He flinches. 

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Tsashi ducks her head, feeling kind of stupid. Of course it would hurt, to hear that name again. "I'm sorry–"

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