"I - um. Probably like twelve drugstore trips, this is an absurd number of - of these, how many did he buy?" Pause. "How long has he prepared for this?!"
And then Darren coughs.
"I didn't realize it would be something you wanted to do?" he tries, again.
"...Have I somehow left you with a misunderstanding about my sexual orientation?"
"N-No, no I'm - I um - oh, hell, there is no way I'm not going to be in trouble for this, um. It genuinely did not occur to me that we could have sex?"
"I'm not - now that I have been reminded that it's a thing we can do I'm all for it, but I was literally not thinking, 'Okay I'm going to wait until she's eighteen to - to have... sex.'"
"Whether the date entered your mind isn't my confusion, just - I have spent extended periods of time sprawled over you nibbling on your neck. And you did not mentally take that any further? Ever?"
"I have trouble thinking conscious thoughts at all when you're sprawled on me nibbling my neck," says Darren defensively.
"I am not completely unconfused, though. You're not just claiming to be all for it because you think I'll be upset or something? Do you want a bit to think about it since you did not get any... thinking about it... done in advance?
".... Nnnnnoooo I'm pretty sure I want to," coughs Darren. "I just needed to be hit across the head with -" He peers at the bowl of condoms. "- that plastic monstrosity."
"Do you have any idea why the plastic monstrosity was necessary? ... I was also planning to use, like, language, at some point, probably today, because, eighteen now."
He is totally, totally fine with being flopped on.
"...I'm not going to have any, like, clinical surprises, am I? The source of my information is health class and this one thoroughly embarrassing book, mostly, plus pop culture, and none of these things have suggested that it is typical for teenage boys to have this experience."
"'Clinical surprises'?" echoes Darren. "Um. Regular teenage boy, I swear."
"This might be one of the most mortifying moments of my life," he muses. "This entire - 'Darren forgot that he could bang his girlfriend' thing."
"Well, you couldn't, before today, not unless we wanted to sneak around," she points out.