"Mutilate, maybe?"

"That sounds like everything's still attached and just damaged beyond repair."

"Fair point. Maiming has much the same connotation. Hmmm. Why is this so difficult?"

"Pity I left my thesaurus at home."

"Very. Come on now, Bella, you should be more prepared!"

"Aw, man, I'll never get my merit badge in reference-toting at this rate."

"Nope. Sorry. You can't expect to get it without actually toting various references. I expect at least three encyclopedias on you at all times."

"I want disability accommodations for that requirement."

"I offered to carry your books for you, but nooooo."

"I would've let you if I'd had encyclopedias!"

"Oh sure, now you want my help. When your merit badge is on the line. I feel used, Bella."

"But don't you want to be useful?"

"Hmmm. Well when you put it like that..."

"I know I want to be useful but I can't while I'm weighed down with so many encyclopedias, Darren."

"Oh, fine. Just until you get your badge."

"But what if I'm caught without later on and they rescind my badge? I will be a laughingstock."

"Am I just going to end up doomed to follow you around, carrying your encyclopedias until the end of time?"

"Yes. Your job title is 'luggage cart'. On special occasions you will also get to carry my suitcase, you see, and we would like your title to make you feel as important as possible."

"Oh, well, as long as my ego is soothed," snorts Darren. "Then I can be a luggage cart."

"Of course your ego must be soothed, or I'd be booked for labor rights violations or something."

"Luggage carts everywhere would rise up in protest. There would be unions."

"That's what unions were originally for, you know. The forty-hour work week, safer conditions, and soothed egos. You didn't sleep through class that day in History, did you?"

"Of course not," he snickers. "I am well aware of the horrifically unfair working conditions that left egos unsoothed. I'm glad you're avoiding that route."

"I want to be on the right side of history, of course. Remember me kindly in your memoirs."

"Certainly, just keep soothing my ego and we will get along fine."