"Go on, sass your old man. I'll make you cook dinner."

"Oh no. Oh, not the cooking. Please, someone save me from following simple directions."

"Somebody should tell Charlie that it's following simple directions. He is incapable of cooking anything other than fish without it being a complete disaster, and he only suffered through learning to do fish because otherwise the freezer would get full and he wouldn't be able to catch more."

"Dad's method is making sure that if we're left alone for a day we can successfully not kill ourselves."

"Thus, we know how to cook. I'm better at it than Savannah, though."

"When I'm not around Charlie lives on fish and cold cuts and takeout. I'm not fancy, but I can do relatively ordinary food without apocalyptic results."

"I'm not even sure how you could get apocalyptic results. I mean, at worse it's inedible and you just move on. But apocalyptic? What, does it explode?"

"Charlie exploded something once! He decided to microwave an egg. Raw in its shell."

"... Wha? Why - why would that seem like a good idea?"

"Well, he likes 'em hardboiled, but microwaves are faster, right? And he was in a hurry, so it just made sense, right? Cue exploded egg."

"... Right, okay, your dad is not allowed in the kitchen. Like, he can't even walk in for milk."

"In any kitchen for which you make the rules you may make that one of them."

"Dad, Bella's father can't use our kitchen."

Vernon looks amused. "Since when do you make the rules around here?"

"I make dinner most of the time, he is not touching the kitchen. I will go on strike."

Bella giggles.

"Fine," laughs Vernon. "No kitchen for Mr. Swan. But you have to feed him if he's here."

"Deal."

"I don't expect him to complain. He doesn't exactly like to cook. Even when we're having fish I do it better."

"Then it'll work out for everyone. He doesn't need to cook, and he does not touch the kitchen."

"But it is, in fact, pretty safe to let him get milk or make sandwiches. It's when applying heat to things gets involved that it's iffy."

"I like to be very safe. It's why I'm allowed to play with magic."

"I let my dad in the kitchen at my house, and I too make dinner most nights. Am I not allowed?"