"Thank you so much for your time Archivist. It may not be strictly necessary, but it seems the most effective way to get some materials that I do need for my latest project."

The viewscreen is still dark except for the, - Blessed Exchequer, is that six lines of text?!? "I'm not currently receiving visual are you having technical difficulties?

"This is a restricted area, and you would not be calling this line if you had authorization to view the contents. If you require visual verification of any resources or materials, you may submit the appropriate Records Access Request. Do you wish to submit a Records Access Request?"

"Yes, but not to look at your office."

"My name is Quark, Chief Executive and Operating Officer of Quark Enterprises Inc., I've published a handful of holoprograms over the years, and I recently realized I was ready for a slightly bigger project. I'm writing a holonovel, - not a wholly original work of course, I'm still not confident enough for that, but an adaptation of a novel. Specifically the anonymously published work, The Arduous Journey of T'Lana on the Road to Enlightenment."

"The book was published not long after first contact between our peoples, and it's tremendously popular in Ferengi society. As such there are a number of spin off books and sequels, and already a fair number of holonovels, but all of them fall flat in comparison to the original's descriptions of T'Lana's life and surroundings."

"I think the problem is that other holoauthors have been approaching this from a purely Ferengi perspective, leaving everything Vulcan about the story flat and lifeless, including T'Lana herself."

"The book is set a little over 3000 years ago, based on certain details about the Ferenginar presented in the story, and I couldn't find any information about Vulcan history and culture from that period."

"I'm afraid I'm not familiar with the material. That time period is considered restricted for reasons of emotional inadvisability, galactic security, and an additional reason which is itself classified. I am authorized to release these materials for projects considered to be of legitimate artistic or cultural value by the Bureau of Artistic Merit. I am also able to assist with preparing a Records Access Request for an application of legitimate artistic or cultural value. However, you should be aware that no Ferengi artistic work has ever received this designation."

Really frustrating that he can't bribe her for that third reason. That's going to bother him for a while.

"Given how briefly our peoples have had formal relations, I could hardly expect any differently. I look forward to your assistance."

"Of course. Well, it is possible to apply for an access request for a pre-publication artistic work. A preliminary approval may be granted on merit of an application summarizing the goals and artistic purpose of the work, should the Bureau consider it likely that the resulting work will meet the standards of highest approval. This preliminary approval grants the artist authorization to access works relevant to the completion of the project, and permits the artist subsidized access to a records specialist capable of retrieving the reference materials and assessing the work to insure its ongoing maintenance of civic standards and artistic or cultural value. This assistance is, of course, mandatory, and all reference materials will obviously be kept under copy protection until full approval is received.

Do you wish to review the sample application packet?"

Subsidized? Are the Vulcans going to charge him for this? How reasonable! He was expecting this entire endeavor to be only an investment of his time, but there is more than one reason why Vulcans are his favorite Federation species after all.

"I would very much like an application packet to review, and if I may, how large is the subsidy?"

"The subsidy is pegged to the median salary of the lowest-paid bracket of staff authorized to access the relevant materials. In this case, it would be approximately sufficient to pay for the services of an archival assistant from the Age of Antiquity department. An applicant may choose to secure the services of a more experienced researcher if they are willing to provide appropriate compensation for the time of more valuable staff. I am transmitting the sample application now."

Why, that's almost like a proper bribe! How civilized!

"Lovely, if I have any follow up questions after reviewing this how should I direct them?"

"Further questions relevant to this department should be directed to this line. I, or another available archivist, will be capable of assisting with each stage of the Records Access Request process. If you intend to submit an application, I recommend you request assistance early and often, rather than waiting for specific questions. The sample application is very thorough and should answer all direct questions, but a successful application requires quality as well as completion."

"Quark stands for nothing if not quality, thank you for your time, Archivist. I'm sure we'll be speaking again soon." He closes the channel and sets his contract translator running on the sample application packet.

Well, that's inconvenient. This does still sound like a better solution than trying to hack into a restricted Vulcan database, but he's definitely going to end up actually writing a holonovel at this rate.

Maybe he'll be able to sell the holonovel to Vulcans? The Vulcan market for Vulcan Love Slave has never been large, but this is actually something he thinks could expand it pretty well, and of course there's plenty of Ferengi who will pay through the lobes for anything new in the series. He's hardly about to let his doubts tarnish his lust for latinum of course, it should be possible to make a decent profit off both sides of this transaction, even with some marginally higher costs than he's used to from the Federation. Actually, there's no way anyone in the archival department is paid enough that he'll have to put down a full 3 bars on the research project.

Unless Vulcans have bizarre and alien priorities.

So maybe.

This is normally the point at which he does research on new business associates, but most of the questions he has are classified for classified reasons. Gah!

Well, the contract translator* has finished its first interpretation. Obviously written by Vulcans for Vulcans, there's a lot of cultural references that the translator claims to have lengthy footnotes for, but Quark still hasn't sprung for the Elite Advanced subscription, so they'll get to stay hidden (unless he'd like to acquire them for only 2 slips per footnote!).

Wow, no wonder no Ferengi has had his project approved yet. This really requires sucking up to the Vulcans. The main sections are "How will your project strengthen the Vulcan Spirit," "What details do you require, and how will they elevate your creation," and "Why does your project require the truth of the past, rather than the wonders of What Might Have Been," with a brief introduction to preface his answers.

The packet's own introduction explains that while the sample is written in prose, it is recommended that applicants submit their answers in the same format as their proposed project where possible, to allow the adjudicating council to also weigh the creator's skill in their craft as a component of the request. Should an artist's preferred craft prove insufficient to answering the application question, the council prefers written supplementary material, either in poetry or prose.

*Dronol Family Industries Negotiator's Aid is widely considered the latinum standard for any Ferengi conducting negotiations with aliens. Even on the lowest tier subscription it offers multiple interpretations of the contract's original language to assist the enterprising business man in finding the most lucrative path. Used by the Grand Nagus himself!

Okay. Time to start writing the holonovel.

Just basic setting stuff for now, and maybe that program he used when the staff was being unreasonable with a few tweaks.

Actually, this is the best situation for placeholders in holoprogramming. It should outrage the "Bureau" just the right amount if all of the furniture was Ferengi-style furniture from the reign of Grand Nagus Smeet. He'll just have Holo-Quark give them a tour, and explain all of the reasons why he obviously needs records access, and there'll be a lot of fake books and art pieces, in an authentic Vulcan landscape. Shouldn't even take him more than an afternoon before he has a draft to send to the Archivist.

Quark receives a prompt response, and about thirty pages of commentary. The archival assistant assigned to his proposal feels it lacks a nuanced understanding of Vulcan culture and would benefit from greater focus, with the selected vocabulary excessively vague and thus failing to establish...

It seems like they have perhaps not understood his artistic vision.

Indeed they did not!

How could they miss it?! There was even a version of him available to slowly walk them through it!

Of course he doesn't have a "nuanced understanding of Vulcan culture" that's why he wants access to their records!!

Wait, no it's not.

He wants access to the records for the three bars of latinum he's getting from the Cardassians. The holonovel does not matter.

He would rather not actually need to write a full holonovel. It would be a bad idea to put more time and effort into this acquisition than he absolutely must.

Buuuut, maybe it's time to bring some latinum into the equation. If he wants the proposal approved, (which yes, both his cover story and the real plan do require the proposal being approved) he needs to pay some archivist enough that they will actually explain themselves coherently. He'll send a request for the rates for various archvists' time.

The Federation, of course, looks down upon the use of "money" when handling routine or essential transactions. The average resident of Earth, famously, never handles currency in their daily life, with alternative systems in use even for inherently-scarce resources like nondeveloped land.

The rest of the Federation doesn't go to such efforts, instead using Federation credits for anything that would be inconvenient to allocate inefficiently, or that relies on the time of highly-trained professionals. Interstellar food shipments are denominated in credits, even if meals are too cheap to meter on the planetary level, and a combination of copyright law and excessive computing requirements mean that a holoprogram license is the most expensive thing most Federation citizens ever buy. Other specialized professionals can charge similarly, based on the rarity and value of their work. The local value of labor, obviously, is heavily dependent on what others are willing to pay for similar labor.

Vulcans, unfortunately, really like history. The dedicated attention of a fully-trained archivist costs about a bar of latinum per hour, in credits.

No.

Just no.

That's more than he'd pay for an hour's advice from the Nagus, and with an hour's worth of advice from the Nagus he could do a lot better than 3 measly bars of profit. He wouldn't even need to write this worthless holonovel!