"No, but--"

"I am not going to penalize an ally of Shanghai for having facial expressions you disapprove of, Mingjue. You are behaving quite unreasonably. Watching a death is hard for everyone, but there's no reason to blame it on your own sworn brother, who has always been loyal to you and whom you have every reason to trust."

"But."

Nie Mingjue felt a sense of vertigo, like the room itself was spinning wildly out of his control. 

"If you have actual evidence, I will hear it out. Otherwise, I will assume this is an aberration because watching a death is always difficult. Should we get someone to do a bit more of your homework?"

"The problem is not my homework, the problem is that we have a dirty little murderous dog as an ally and you won't believe me. I saw him! I saw the way he looked--"

Lan Xichen had only been in charge for a few months but he still talked like a senior. "If you have some reason to believe he's malicious, then I will hear you out, but as an escort Meng Yao has far fewer incidents of missing a mal than any other ally. If he's trying to murder us all he's doing a very bad job of it. And I will not have our allies believe that we will investigate them off a baseless accusation and a handful of insults."

"But-- but he--"

"Take the day off to recover. I will arrange for someone to do your homework."

When Nie Mingjue left, Meng Yao straightened his clothes and adjusted his hat and escorted everyone to their destination, after which he walked alone to his room and checked it thoroughly for mals and only then did he curl up on his bed and cry. 

Mingjue-- Mingjue was--

It had always been him and his mother against the world, him and his mother and his father who would come back someday if Meng Yao were good enough and earned his way into Shanghai. He knew he didn't need anyone except his mother, not when the other kids at school bullied him, not when a friend found out about his mother's job and suddenly the invitations to come over dried up, not when people pulled away and scrubbed their hands clean when they accidentally touched him. He didn't need anyone except his mother and his father, someday, if he were good enough, which he would be.

And then he went to the Scholomance and it turned out that there were dozens of children like him, dozens of children who would earn their way into his father's affection by being good enough. Meng Yao would very simply have to try harder and it was all right, he didn't need them, all he needed was his mother, and he had nothing physical to remember her by but he knew her voice and he knew her face and that was all he needed, instead of friends. It didn't matter if they kicked him down the stairs. He needed them. He'd be good enough to get an alliance and then he'd see his mother again. She always wanted to touch him.

And then Mingjue touched him, and he was angry not at Meng Yao but at the Beijing enclave for hurting him, and Meng Yao thought he must have wanted something but he didn't. He just-- thought it was wrong for Meng Yao to be hurt. He thought it again and again, he made scenes at the Shanghai table that made Meng Yao want to crawl under it, and Meng Yao didn't get shoved anymore while people whispered son of a whore. They didn't even whisper it behind his back. 

Nie Mingjue didn't shove Meng Yao; he didn't flinch away from Meng Yao's touch; he didn't even use him like a whore, like someone who had to be pleasing with his mouth and his hands and his ass if he wanted to survive. Nie Mingjue kissed him like he loved him. 

And so Meng Yao thought Nie Mingjue understood. He'd said that it was attempted murder. And attempting to murder someone is something you die for, even outside the Scholomance. Meng Yao would never do anything that hurt Shanghai, he was loyal, but getting rid of the competition was good for Shanghai. It was a zero-sum game. They couldn't care about people outside of the enclave. He thought Nie Mingjue would approve. Nie Mingjue couldn't know, of course, but maybe they could share a private smile, knowing that the person who hurt Meng Yao was getting what he deserved--

But he didn't. All along, Nie Mingjue had never really cared about Meng Yao. He had never really thought it was bad for people to try to kill Meng Yao. Meng Yao saw that now. He might enjoy feeling merciful, he might like believing that he stood for justice, but when it came right down to it Nie Mingjue wasn't loyal to Meng Yao and he wasn't even loyal to Shanghai enclave, not in Lan Xichen's broad sense, enclavers and allies alike.

He was loyal to other enclavers. The ones who were as privileged as he was. When it came down to it, he'd choose them over Meng Yao. 

Nie Mingjue had made Meng Yao think there were three people he could depend on, and he had betrayed him. Betrayed Meng Yao, who was loyal, who would have died for him, who had never done anything to harm him, who had been good enough good enough good enough to earn Mingjue's loyalty a dozen times over.

He kicked Meng Yao down the stairs and called him a son of a whore. Nie Mingjue had never been different. He had only ever been not angry enough.