“…Yes. I think I could say that and mean it.”

Leareth is definitely having some kind of very strong emotion and he isn’t sure what the feeling is…

"Rovira," he says quietly in Taldane - not to avoid Leareth understanding him, Leareth is reading his mind, but because Rovira doesn't have a translation spell up - "can you prepare an Atonement tomorrow?"

"She gave me one today, actually," Rovira says. "This Foresight thing is going to take some getting used to. Does he want -" She smiles in Leareth's direction. 

"If you'd like to do an Atonement, we can," Ignasi says in Valdemaran. "It would be wise to think about first, though. It's not a small thing."

“- What aspects do you think that I ought think about? What…is irreversible about this and thus critical to get right on the first try -?”

"An Atonement is...the product of a commitment to try to change how you operate in the world, what things you do, how you weigh different concerns. We're about to go to war, and we're all going to be making very difficult decisions under a lot of pressure. I think in your place I would think about...situations where I'd be tempted to do something I had just Atoned of, and what I'd do instead, and whether there is a plausible circumstance where I regretted my choice, and what plans I could make in advance to make that less likely. 

The main constraint is that, if you get an Atonement, and then change your mind, it'll be a harder path, to find Good again, because we'll have - ruled out the most straightforward route. So I want to do everything we can to make the straightforward route likely to succeed."

“- I think I may need a more concrete operationalization of - what tactics you consider acceptable, or what you think appropriate treatment of prisoners is? I…am still not sure I understand what I would be ruling out, by - choosing to aim for ‘Good’ according to your death god’s sorting schema.”

"The guidelines for treatment of prisoners among Good churches in Avistan require that they have medical care, a clean environment, food and clean water if it's available at all, and that insofar as it's logistically feasible they are offered food compatible with their beliefs and preferences - so, uh, feeding them the bodies of their dead companions, that sort of thing, is generally not allowed. Injuries should be treated. Having sex with them is not permitted. Inflicting, or threatening rape, suffering, death, soul trapping, violence against relatives or loved ones, or similar for the purpose of gaining their cooperation is not permitted. They are required to have access to a means of reporting alleged abuses by their guards. They are required to have social contact with another person for at least twenty minutes every day, and more regularly than that - ideally for an hour or more every day - barring exceptional circumstances. They are required clothing, if it is available and customary in their society. They may not be forced to participate in religious rituals; they may decline non-lifesaving medical care; they may not be forced with either magic or duress into making public statements." Paladins memorize this, and he's being very nearly obsessive about translating it right. He's thinking of it as a - triumph of Good, in itself - the specific rules, the fact people agreed on them - you could have different rules, but the idea is very important.

“…Honestly, I agree that it is a very impressive feat to have a set of rules and agreement on them, but 1 I would have thought the impressiveness there would be a feat of Law and not a feat of Good? …Also I think that in general my treatment of prisoners would meet most of those criteria, it is just - less formalized, because - I have not had allies to formalize it with. But - I would feel differently about that, I think. If I did have allies who would take those agreements seriously.”

"Cheliax is not a signatory to this treaty," he says dryly. "Because they take treaty-writing as a competitive sport where you try to use phrasings that you can technically obey while still doing whatever you want, and the rest of us wanted something written without loopholes so as to improve conditions for prisoners and their guards. But - yes, I think Law and Good are intimately related, at least true Law instead of legalistic Asmodean parodies of it."

…nod.

”Anyway. I wanted to ask if -“

Leareth stops. Takes a slow breath.

”…If having an atonement only reflects changes that have already happened, in one’s mind, or - causes changes as part of the process -?”

"Many people report feeling changed. It does not cause obvious changes, and many people report feeling changed just from prayer without divine contact."

“- I see.”

Leareth is thinking that - well, some possible changes to his mind wouldn’t be incorrect, even. Because - there’s another world, now. The conditions have changed. And at the heart of it, he’s the same that he’s always been - he wants to fix everything and save everyone, as early and soon as possible - but the shape of person best adapted for doing that across Golarion-and-Velgarth is in fact different from what he was aiming for in the past.

….And in a way there’s a useful test here that he can run, right - if the Atonement magic will only work to the extent that he genuinely understands “Good” as they mean it, and wants to ally with it, and regrets his past actions that push away from that, then - he’ll get data based on whether or not it works for him.

”I think I want some time to think, now.”

"Of course." He smiles warmly at him. "Take as long as you need."

Leareth nods to him, and ducks out. 

- at which point he is yet again unsure where to go. The infirmary doesn’t feel like a pleasant or helpful place to be. But Carissa is probably sleeping right now - not to mention, apparently she’s entirely right that the paladins will make a baffling number of concerned faces about Leareth sharing her bed…

It still feels like it would be easier to think there, though. Regardless of whether any of the paladins approve - and Iomedae did tell him that it’s simply about what will give him the most resources to face this new set of challenges - 

Leareth heads down the hall. Stops outside Carissa’s door, takes a few breaths, and then tries to open the door as quietly as he possibly can.

She's a sound sleeper. It's literally a job requirement. 

Leareth lies down on the bed next to her - like she did, before, when he was in the dream with Vanyel - and tries to think. 

- mostly, he’s scared. A predictable, not-even-interesting fear, of - something he can only vaguely specify. Something adjacent to being betrayed, being let down, but not quite either of those things - there’s no blame in it, not exactly…

- He so badly wants to take that final leap of faith. To believe that the core central concept of Good can form the seed of an ideology that works. Because - if that’s true, then everything can be accomplished at a much lower cost. 

Wanting something to be true doesn’t make it true. 

Leareth hasn’t personally checked over the design of Iomedae’s mind. He can’t verify that her goals and values match his, only - make inferences…

Eventually Carissa wakes. She is startled to find Leareth here and then beams at him about it. "Are you feeling better?"

- Leareth does not have Tongues right now, and has no idea what she’s saying. He blinks and then goes ahead and reads her mind. 

:- I think so? …I spoke to the paladins about - doing an atonement. I have been thinking through the ramifications of that:

- wow, that's fast. 

She doesn't want him to be Good. She stuffs that thought away immediately for irrelevance crimes.

Leareth leans against her, because - maybe that will help her think, the way that it apparently helped him think to be doing it lying on her bed while she slept, and...because he kind of wants to. 

:- Do you think that if I do the atonement ritual and become Good then I will - have false beliefs? Or be less able to get things done? Because...whether or not that is the case is an empirical question, I think, and - one that I am not sure that I know the answer to. ...I have been trying to reason through whether I can attempt an atonement as a test of sorts - whether it is the case that it would work if and only if I share sufficient beliefs and values with Iomedae. I am not sure if that is how it works, though. And - probably neither are you, since what you know should be assumed to be highly biased by Asmodean propaganda, but - you might at least know different things from the things that I know: 

I think Atonement fails if you don't properly repent but I don't know that it enforces alignment with the god offering it, I think you could ask a cleric of, dunno, Erastil for an Atonement and it'd still go through.

I think being Good by definition makes people worse at their goals? It adds a bunch of other restrictions on what they can do! How would that not make them worse at their goals.

:...I am not sure. I think that question - whether trying to be Good by definition makes people worse at their goals - is...close to the crux of it, for me? Because...the thing that they kept arguing for - that Iomedae kept arguing for as well, I think - is that, in fact, Good has - more convergent values than Evil does? ...If what Good means is that you care about all of the people everywhere, then - different individuals will approximately care about the same thing? Whereas if what Evil means is - preferring to sacrifice the wellbeing of all other people in order to promote your own - then that is a purely zero-sum scenario...? Does that make sense, conceptually?: 

- I guess caring about the wellbeing of everyone everywhere could be strategic in some circumstances but there's a bunch of Good that's much stupider than that. And caring about cows isn't - that - because the cows can't help you in return. And most people won't help you in return so you could strip it down to only caring about the ones who will.

:- I think this is - probably going back to the thing where you think that I am already Good? Because to me, the entire point of being strategic is - aimed at a goal? And...my goal is that everyone should have the opportunity to achieve their goals? - Including cows, actually - we know that they can think and feel to some extent, because of Animal Mindspeakers...: 

You have Good goals which for inexplicable reasons include cows which I am giving you a pass on because some people have weird kinks and that's fine. You don't have Good - the point where I decided I liked you was when you agreed to my plan to help me defect without Cheliax thinking anything of it, and that wasn't a Good plan, but you weren't - worrying about some kind of abstract cooperation with other people, you were thinking how to get what you wanted. I don't think a paladin would've done that plan, they mostly don't lie. And I think you were right.

:- I think I was right to lie even though it made me very uncomfortable! Because - in fact Cheliax is...a stable system designed by Asmodeus to be anti-cooperative and actively adversarial toward Good goals. Whereas most of the processes here in Velgarth are...not so thoroughly optimized, and more neutral: 

Leareth pauses (and tenses up slightly). 

:...It seems worth noting explicitly that the paladins were uncomfortable about you being here? Because you are Asmodean? And - my honest impression is that you are not, exactly, not anymore, and - that I and my staff can set up your incentives such that it is better for your goals to cooperate with us? But - I think I was perhaps not following all of the nuances of that conversation: 

...Leareth belatedly notices that probably SOMETHING about that is a deeply unkind thing to say, but then again, it's not like Carissa hasn't also done deeply unkind things to him.