Wow, that laugh was—

Wait, intmacy's more than that? She guessed that made sense?

"Tha—"

Something felt missing?

"That makes sense?"

Why did it feel so disappointing to agree with that?

She kisses her forehead lightly. 

"It's okay. Take your time." 

She blushed brightly, and relaxed a bit, sagging into Romana's arms.

Take her time with what, though?

She did have that feeling of something being missing... And something about saying that sucked? Even though it made sense and she agreed.

And she kept having all these reactions to Romana's touch?

"Romana, can I ask you a question? Something feels really confusing."

"Of course." 

She slides back into place by her shoulder. 

Still blushing, Hailey nodded and steeled herself a bit.

"I'm feeling a whole bunch of things. Like when I agreed with you earlier about intimacy, I really agreed, it made sense, but something about it felt wrong to say. Or like I'm really really aware of it every time you touch me, and it doesn't seem to scale right from how aware I was of touches before just taken through my body being more sensitive as a cultivator. And it feels like all this means _something_ but I don't know what."

She sighs, frustrated at her confusion.

She smiles a little amusedly, and ruffles her hair. 

"It's pretty normal for certain things to... snap into perspective, when you get started cultivating. I've heard stories of people getting back repressed memories, being aware of sealed off feelings, and getting further into insight practices then they were able to get because everything just works... smoother. You're pretty needy, right now, in a lot of ways and well..." 

She hums quietly. 

"I think it's probably something more then just being a bit more sensitive and wanting to have someone who cares about you close, but I'm not sure how helpful explaining what I think it is would be?"

She leaned into the ruffle a little, and blushed brighter again when Romana called her "needy".

"I don't know either, but being confused about what it means really sucks."

She laughs quietly. 

"You're probably attracted to me. I could talk all day about why I think that but... take a deep breath and try to feel what you want and how your body is reacting to me, ok?"

Her hand slides down to clutch hers gingerly, squeezing lightly to reassure her. 

Wait, what did Romana just suggest? That didn't ha...

Wasn't that just something her adopters and the pastor claimed about people they didn't like?

Unless...

Did Romana think she liked girls?!

She didn't like girls! She barely even liked boys! What the hell had she done to give that impression?!

Well, aside from being extremely gushy. And clingy. And needy. And a mess.

Okay, maybe she had justified that impression. Sky above, she was such a fuckup.

How the hell was she going to fix this? She'd been such a clingy mess of a girl that her mentor thought she was gay. This was why she'd avoided getting close to anyone.

Maybe she could talk through it? Explain that she was just a hot mess and needed to get herself under control? Explain to Romana that this was an understandable impression but the real cause had been her own neediness?

Wait a fucking minute. Why was this what Romana had gone to? Was Romana gay? Was she trying to—

No. Fuck no she wasn't going to start talking like her adopters. They were wrong about her and they were probably wrong about everything else too.

Damn them for all of this. Why did she have to be raised by such an aggressively terrible bunch of assholes? And if they'd been messing up her reactions, who knows what else they could've done to her thinking. Heavens they were awful.

And then the rest of Romana's words made it through into her brain.

Oh. Oh. She hadn't been listening to her body at all. And denial was ever a thing. Damn she was a mess.

Fuck. Okay. Listen to her body. What did she feel?

She felt warmth from Romana's hand gently holding hers. She felt Romana's arm around her shoulders.

She felt a tingling electricity through herself everywhere she was in contact with her mentor.

She felt her pulse quickening and her face warming as she thought about those points of contact and her body's reactions.

She noticed an unfamiliar warmth low in her abdomen.

She noticed tension in her muscles from her stress.

She felt the cheap chair she was sitting on, and the cool air around her. Her nipples were even a little hard from the chill.

She realized that more than half of what she'd noticed herself feeling had been about Romana.

Well fuck.

She sighed and slumped against her mentor, blushing brightly.

"You may be right. I don't understand it, and I don't know what we do about it, but you're probably right. You haven't been wrong yet. I don't get it though, I dated a boy in high school — it didn't go well, but I did."

She chuckled softly as she petted her gently. 

"It's normal for this to be pretty awkward. I'm... approximately bi, and on the dating market, for what it's worth. Maybe you did that just because you felt like you were supposed to. Maybe you are attracted to multiple genders and sexes. Maybe that's shifted. I haven't seen enough to know. For now, though... I think it's wise to just take the time to let it sit in your head and think about it in the background, and maybe talk to more people about it, if you have someone to trust about that sort of thing." 

"Huh. Yeah. that's definitely something I need to think about. I... I haven't ever thought about any of that before."

She let out a dark chuckle at the last bit.

"Heh. Trust? I don't know anyone I could consider trusting with this except you, and maybe some of the others on the server. My advisor at the school can be mostly trusted about school-related things. That's about as far as that goes, though, and this very much isn't that."

Quiet little sigh nuzzle a little closer.

"I understand." 

My hand slides up to stroke through her hair.

"It's okay to wait a while for this to sink in, and it's okay to want this. Just..."

Her palm slid across her scalp, brushing back her bangs.

"It's good to get a chance to breathe some fresh air to and stay moving and working as well. This doesn't have to be the only way you can enjoy this warmth."

A faint hum escaped Hailey at Romana's touch, and she let herself lean into the contact a tiny bit. She took a breath.

"Okay. Let's say I do want this, but staying moving sounds pretty great too. What would you suggest I do next?"

"You know this area better then I do, but I think going out for a walk would be a good idea?"

An eager smile slid onto Hailey's face.

"Ooh, we could. There's a tolerable little park about ten blocks east, or I could should you the rooftop garden where I go to relax, and where I made my thread today. It gets kinda prettier as the sun sets. The route back is... interesting, though, in the dark."

She smiles warmly. 

"The rooftop garden sounds lovely~" 

Haliey grinned and nodded. "It is! I should get us some water to take along."

She made to stand, but suddenly paused, struck with reluctance to extract herself from the snuggle with her mentor. A very faint disappointed needy whine slipped out of her without her noticing as she scooted away and stood up, and then with a breath she bounded over to the kitchen shelves to start pulling bottles out. In a crisp whirlwind of motion, she lined up six glass bottles, each wrapped in colorful silicone webbing in blue or purple or pink or green. She filled each with water, as fast as the tap would flow, capping them with silvery plastic athletic-spout lids from a small bin near the sink and then lining them up in an empty spot on the table.