"I think that's a definition that can be gotten along with," Tintin nods. "Janet?"

"Yeah?"

"First, I would like to confirm that everything I ask you is confidential."

"Naturally. Even Johanna can't access my data; it's a necessary prerequisite for anyone to feel comfortable talking to me about anything. What kind of pornography did you want?"

"...none at present, thank you. I wanted to ask: what would happen if, by some - profound cosmic accident - a bad person was put in the Good Place?"

"Total catastrophe. Their behavior would warp the system around them, every negative intention and thoughtless action twisting the metaresponsive fabric of the demiplane further and further until it became a nightmare for everyone in it including them."

"Thank you, Janet."

"You're welcome! Is there anything else I can help with?"

"Again, not at present. Thank you."

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa???????

"What the here did I forking do?!"

"It is a theory. A theory which has so far been borne out, but I welcome you to contradict it. Veronica, please tell me something good - meaningfully good - that you did in your Earthly life."

"No, wait—that's not—I can't—first you gotta tell me what the fork I did because I can't for the life of me figure it out!"

"Are you somehow unfamiliar with the concept that outing people is bad."

She clutches her head with both hands in profound aggravation, as it finally wins out over confusion and panic.

"You—forking—who does that? Who the fork—you just went and told me and you didn't even say to keep it secret it just came packaged with your forking wild-eyed rant on how something is rotten in the state of Goodplace—like I don't even have to be bad to miss that one I just have to be kind of slow which I apparently am because I had literally no idea—who gives a shirt, we're all dead here—I am going to shove a literal eating utensil in the eye of whoever came up with this stupid forking censorship scheme—"

"I'm not saying this makes you evil. But you're - conspicuously antisocial in ways that don't fit into how this place is structured. If something is messing up the algorithm, it's you. And clearly, something is messing up the algorithm."

"Augh what do you mean I'm conspicuously antisocial! I'm trying SO HARD not to be conspicuously antisocial!!!"

"...points for trying, I guess? I don't think it's enough points to get you into the Good Place, though. Listen, I doubt that the Bad Place is that awful. Any system invented by entities moral enough to recognize good behavior and intend to reward it wouldn't just - torture people forever, you know? It's a logically bankrupt concept. Here - Janet, what's the Bad Place like?"

"It's where those who failed to reach the Good Place are tortured forever," says an abruptly present Janet. "Here's a sound clip."

The sound clip is not encouraging.

"Coulda forking told you!" she mutters.

"Anything else?"

"No, thank you Janet."

Janet vanishes in a puff of logic. "What the fork," Tintin says emphatically.

"Why are you surprised—see, that's the problem with good people, you go around expecting everybody to be nice to you—if this," she gestures wildly around them, "is what they come up with for the VIPs, why would you expect the Bad Place not to suck even if they were trying??" A pause, as realization strikes. "At least I can still say suck. This place sucks. You suck. Everything sucks. Go suck a deck. ...oh, come on."

"I assure you, I have never expected anyone to be nice to me. I was born in a place where I could have been publicly executed for any of half a dozen personal characteristics, and very nearly was on multiple occasions. I emigrated to Great Britain at the first opportunity, and found it full of violent racists. Then I went back to Senegal so I could make it better. People being terrible is not news to me. For the briefest forking moment, I entertained the hope that the entities who are attempting - however incompetently - to provide us with eternal bliss were better. The fact that they aren't means that I need to make them better."

"No but that's still—you were all 'they wouldn't just torture people forever' and they totally are! You went and told me you're gay and expected me to keep it secret without you even asking! As soon as you think you've found the good ones you let your guard down! You're all doing it constantly and it pisses me the fork off! I haven't let my guard down since I learned how to use a toilet by myself! Ugh, get on my level, what the fork do you think will happen if you try to complain to management?!"