She hugs him and doesn't say anything.

Eventually Ma’ar makes an effort to control his breathing. “You - thought it would help. To tell me. I’m - I want to know what’s true, what I - really am.” He’s shaking. “I don’t - how do I - I don’t know how to - not be someone who breaks things like that...”

He’s not sure if this is right but it feels true, overwhelmingly so.

"I think you won't do it now that you know it's even possible to do. He didn't. He didn't know Urtho had weapons that could do that. I think there are other subtler mistakes but that - I think you just won't do it. If Urtho goes to war with you you'll - surrender, or run away, or something, you won't try to beat him -"

He nods. "It would be really stupid to have a war with him. I - guess I wouldn't've known that. The other time." 

Squeeze. "I think probably you should not plan to improve Predain by conquest until after he's dead, maybe longer than that. I think you had a lot of the interlocking pieces, when you tried it last time, but not all of them, especially about things like geopolitics and what makes countries terrified of their neighbors coming for them next."

"That - makes sense - but I can't just leave it the way it is, I have to do something about it."  

"I know. I said earlier I think if you wanted to build a Tower like his, that'd be the kind of ambition he'd find less threatening, and it'd be a pretty good power base from which to do more after that. And you could feed people, enforce the laws, try other things on a small scale and see what works well."

"Mmm."

He takes a few deep breaths. This - does not do very much to make the situation feel any less overwhelming. His mind is trying to have way too many thoughts at once and they're getting tangled up in each other. 

One thing at a time. The first thing can be hugging Carissa more tightly until he feels calmer and more able to go through thoughts in linear order. 

"I guess I have time to grow up first. If it took the other me two thousand years and he still hadn't fixed everything, then I think that means I shouldn't rush. And - you probably know things about mistakes the other me made later too. So I can try to be smarter and more careful, and..." 

And there's no guarantee it'll be enough. He knows that much about how reality works. 

"...Carissa?" and he turns his head to look at her, "you - think it's good that someone grew up to be Leareth, right? Even if he - I - caused a lot of damage. Is that why you wanted to help me find Urtho?" 

"Yes. I think it's really important that someone grew up to be Leareth. I wasn't willing to - pay so much for it - you wouldn't want me to - but I want that. I am trying for that."

He nods. "Then - I'll try too. ...I don't know why it feels scarier and harder, to grow up to be Leareth, than - just to do what I was already meaning to do, to try to fix things and not stop. That must be what the other me was doing, he didn't know who he would be in two thousand years. And it should be easier, really, to do it when I - know some of where I should end up."

"I don't know. I don't know how fragile it is, ending up like him. ...I think not very fragile because sometimes he'd come back with only a few dozen memories, and he could rebuild it from there - but he had his notes - but I don't think the notes were instructions on how to be him, not exactly, I've seen him take notes, he just notes what happened... I think there's something to what he is that isn't about what happened, and you've got it."

"Mmm." He fidgets. "How long did it take you to figure that out. Once you found me." 

"I wondered right away, because - Nefreti had told us, that the same story is told again and again in different worlds. But I wasn't sure. I was more sure when you said you were going to fight Asmodeus for all his dead people."

"Did you read my mind, to try to figure out?" It seems like the obviously smart thing to have done. 

"Yes. For the first couple days, I haven't done it since we got here because I am not sure if it's allowed."

He nods. Goes quiet again for a while. 

"Does Urtho know?" 

"He guessed. That's part of why I'm telling you now. I preferred he not guess but - I don't think it would've been wise to try to keep the war secret, and once he knew about the war it was only a matter of time. He doesn't know you know. I told him I hadn't told you."

"Warning him about the war seems like the most important," Ma'ar agrees. "It - seems easier to pretend I still don't know. I think I can do it when I'm around him. I don't think I can pretend to - be innocent and trusting, and I'm worried he wouldn't believe it anyway, if he knows." Shrug. "I'm really glad you're here and that I don't have to pretend with you. It...must've been harder for the other me. Not having that." 

"I don't know how he got here all on his own. It must've been so dangerous. He must've been so scared. And so alone.

This is what the letter is about. You can read it now, if you'd like."

He considers that for a while. "I think I should read it. Is it - mostly just things you already told me?" 

"Yes. And advice about - I don't know if the other world still exists, or if I got pulled back in time and - undid it. But if I undid it then you should invent interdimensional Gates at some point in the next thousand years and warn Aroden about the people who'll betray him before he dies."

He goes rigid. "I - hadn't realized. I guess it makes sense, that - if you got sent back in time and changed things then maybe the grownup me stopped existing." Shiver. "I'm - sorry. That he's not here, and it's just...me instead...it must not be the same for you at all." 

"I'm pretty mad at Nefreti. Unless it was this or nothing, I guess this is better than nothing. She could've brought Leareth with me, somehow. I don't have any idea if she could've done that. I don't know whether it's that or other worlds, but - he was very good at magic, and Aroden was very very good at magic, and they would've looked."

"Maybe if it's very very very far away, it would take them a lot of looking? Or - maybe time doesn't even go the same speed in different worlds. He could be still looking for you and just hasn't gotten here yet." Ma'ar has no idea how likely this is compared to the other way, but it seems plausible. "And we can look. Once I know how to do Gates." 

"Yeah." Squeeze. "And I think the gods don't hate you in particular yet and we should keep it that way."