"He would have--would have wanted--me to be the best Herald I can be," he says, and by the end of the sentence he's fighting a losing battle with tears. Also he apparently has a sense that Tylendel would have believed Abras could be a good Herald, and even when he tries to label this belief a self-serving delusion he finds he can't actually stop believing it.

Lancir gives him a minute or so of respectful silence, not commenting on the tears. 

"I think so too," he says finally. "I think he would also appreciate that this is very, very hard, especially right now when it hasn't been very long at all. I don't think he'd want you to beat yourself up about it, right?" 

"I guess not." It's easier to agree with someone else saying it than to assert it for himself.

“Do you think you’ll be able to remember that? Both pieces? I can use my Gift to push it in a little, which I think will help, but I do want to be cautious there.”

That sounds a lot like magically changing how much he believes things, and he cannot go down that road, he just can't. "Maybe instead of that I could write it down? And keep the paper in my pocket or something. That would help me remember."

"Worth trying, anyway! Would you like do the writing-down part now? I could get you some nice paper for it." 

"Okay. Also, I have a bit of a weird question."

"Yes, go on?" 

"What does my head look like to you? With your Gift, I mean. I'm just really curious what sort of things you can see about people." Also he wants to know as much about his own mind as possible, but that's a really self-absorbed thing to want and even if Lancir already knows how self-absorbed he is he can at least try to be subtle about it.

"Hmm. Mindhealing Sight is a bit hard to explain. You're - very dedicated, as a person, that comes across. And curiosity." Sigh. "Also, the fact that you lost him is - very apparent. I imagine this may not be the most reassuring thing to hear, but you're doing really, really well given what's happened." 

"I hope--that last thing--doesn't make my mind unpleasant to look at." It wouldn't be surprising if it did, though. It's pretty unpleasant to inhabit. He wishes with a strange sort of vanity that Lancir could have seen him last year, when they were together and happy and whole.

"It's - different - but it's not something that bothers me, really, it's my job to look at things like this." 

"Maybe it's like how Healers get used to looking at injuries. . . . Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?"

"Hmm. Is there anything that tends to come up a lot during your duties that you find particularly draining - not necessarily because it's upsetting? It's easier to handle things when you're not as tired, and I want to check if there's anything we can do to make your regular duties less tiring. Oh! Also, I should ask how you're sleeping lately. That affects things a lot too." 

"So, it's not that it's draining exactly, but when I'm doing things with someone else there's a thing where--I have to do the thing and also interact with them? And I can't pause in the middle because then I'm wasting their time. It's not as much of a problem with Mindspeech relay because we're sort of working separately in the same room, but other stuff. But I don't want to change things around if the way they are now is convenient for people; I have to learn to work in pairs eventually."

"Hmm. That's true, but I think for these things it's often good to ease into it, so you're learning one new skill at a time. There is a skill there, I think, and it'll get easier. Is there anyone in particular you find this more straightforward with? I imagine it might feel simpler with Savil, since you know her well and you worked together some with the Hawkbrothers." 

"Working with Savil is easy, yeah. It's when it's someone I don't really know, and I don't know how much they know about, um, me. And I was never good at--people stuff."

"Well, Savil is delighted every time she has a chance to do routine mage-work with you, says it goes much faster and is easier on her since you're so good at the heavy lifting, so I can pair you up more often. And, I haven't gotten the impression you're shockingly bad at the people side - you're very polite and thoughtful. That being said, if you're nervous about those interactions and whether you're saying the right things, Yfandes may be able to help, it's very normal to do that; is that something where you ask her for advice much?" 

"No, I hadn't thought of that. It's a good idea; Yfandes is really good at knowing the right thing to say."

He relays the idea to her, adding, :What do you think?:

:Of course! I try to avoid throwing too much unsolicited advice at you because I don't want it to feel like nagging, and usually you're in fact managing fine, but if it'd help you be less stressed to run things by me, by all means, that's what I'm here for: 

:Thanks. I haven't been feeling nagged at all. I do want to do most of my own talking to people without--planning it out like the other person is a strategy game? But it's good to know that you can help when I really need it to avoid offending someone or whatever.:

:That makes sense, about not wanting to plan it all out - though I think planning is appropriate for particularly important scenarios. If you ever end up doing diplomatic negotiation, for example, that is kind of best considered as a strategy-game: 

:I don't think anyone in their right mind would ask me to do diplomatic negotiations, but if I ever find myself doing them I will accept all the help I can get.:

(He attempts to make eye contact with Lancir and muses that talking and Mindspeech at the same time is so much harder than a spoken conversation with three people.)

"Checking in with her?" Lancir says. "Good, good. And, what about sleep? How's that been?" 

"Sometimes good, sometimes bad. If I get nightmares I need a nap in the afternoon or else I can't focus, and if I do take a nap I risk not being able to sleep that night. Hm, if it's possible to do the things that most need concentration in the morning I might be able to get by with fewer naps."