Well, you might be relieved to know that that's a really normal problem to have. It's also a hard one. Is it that if you don't pretend everything is fine, she'll pry; or that if you don't pretend everything is fine, it'll be hanging over your conversations with her even more than pretending is?

"...I don't know." He rubs his eyes. "Um, probably the second thing. She's pretty good about not prying, if I say I don't want to talk about it. Which I say a lot. It's just – if she's trying to comfort me and she assumes it's about Tylendel, she's going to say things that won't be comforting at all, and I think it would just make me feel more alone in this." 

That makes sense. What if you were vague enough she couldn't guess - tell her it's not about him, that leaves lots of possibilities?

"I could try that. It might make her worry about me more, but I don't think there's any way she'll guess the actual thing, and – I think it would feel less like I was lying to her." 

Doesn't fix it all the way, but sometimes it helps even just to be nonspecifically bummed at somebody who for whatever reason can't know specifics, Bella nods. Uh, I think the problem with Kellan is a good reason not to be completely forthright, but if any subset of it comes up where all you're worried about is being believed, why not have Yfandes or me corroborate?

"Oh. I could do that – I suppose she would think Yfandes was trustworthy. And probably you as well. She likes you." 

I'm glad to hear it, I like her too.

Vanyel smiles weakly. "I'm glad. Anyway, I feel a lot better about that part. I guess the rest is still just...a lot." 

Yeah, it's stressful and there's nothing immediately productive to do about it and that sucks. Is there a specific bit jumping out at you?

"...I guess probably the part where Taver might come interrogate Yfandes, or Lancir might grab me – that's kind of terrifying by itself, it's why I don't want to talk to him to ask for leave even though maybe I should – and then... I don't know what happens then. It feels bad." 

How much leave do you think you need, anyway?

"I don't know. I was going to ask for just the rest of today, but...honestly I don't know that tomorrow will actually be better. I mean. I'm not feeling worse than on an average day before I met you? And it really helps a lot that I can't have the panic attack thing happen even if something is overwhelming. But - things were almost fine, for a bit. And... I don't feel very fine right now." 

He shrugs, helplessly. "I don't think just taking leave is going to fix that. But it's hard to figure out what I need to do when all my energy is going toward getting work done." 

Yeah. Is Lancir the only person you can ask?

"Yfandes could ask Taver but that seems even worse." 

That's true. He has an awkward amount of power concentrated in one person. Hm. So - he does know you exist, and if Taver is complaining he'll remember. Asking for leave would mostly just let you control the timing if it does anything about the Companion-jailbreaking situation at all, right?

"I'm also worried that I'll act suspicious, I'm pretty good at hiding my feelings but not that good and he might use his Sight on me– oh! I can ask Savil to ask him. I think I've done that before, even, I just haven't in a long time because it's really embarrassing. But embarrassing is less of a big deal than the rest." 

Good idea. He does that, does he?

"I'm pretty sure he used to. Maybe he's stopped since you got mad at him about not asking first." 

Maybe if I'd been madder he would have announced this policy change so people around him could relax accordingly.

Nervous giggle. "Maybe! All right. I have a plan for asking. Need to decide how many days I should ask for. And I guess what to do with myself during it where things might actually get better instead of just not getting worse." 

Well, what do you usually like to do on leave?

"Um. Read books? Play music, I guess. I wish I could go to k'Treva, but I can't for just a day or two." 

"Why not?"

"It's a month's journey overland and I can't handle Gates." 

"Oh, I didn't realize how far. I can send you."