And that would be better.

You get one more stupid petty sniping comment and then I really will kill someone in front of you just to shut you up.

If you ask to talk to Alexeara confidentially then you can - still do this - if you don't end up liking any of his alternatives better.

The thing is that Alexeara would be sure it was a trick, a manipulation, and she cannot bear it. 

She is not willing to say that even to herself.

She finds the bitter mocking voice again instead.

"Alexeara, dear sweet Alexeara, I have a problem. I would like to erase my existence from the memory of everybody who has ever lived so that my mother and her friends do not murder me the second they realize that I hate them and I want them all to die. I have an offer from Mephistopheles but I'm interested in seeing whether Heaven will counteroffer and charge less in legal fees. Also I'd like to marry you."

Carlota doesn't respond, because she told her to stop talking. She feels so much better when there's no chittering Good nonsense inside her own fucking head, the one thing that has generally, historically, belonged to her. 

She should, in fact, think about whether she has better options. She doesn't think she really does; Hell holds her soul. She doesn't want to ride out the rest of the convention being spurned-scandalous-Carlota. She is probably not thinking clearly, when she thinks that she would prefer to go to Hell, but she does not want to do it.

Her mother will kill her as soon as she admits to herself that Lilia is willing to defy her. If her mother doesn't have the nerve, which would be contemptible, her allies will do it, quite plausibly the second Alfirin relates the conversation to them.

Mephistopheles doesn't offer real escape.

But the people she has worked for her whole life aren't even willing to offer her pretend escape.

"I thought of one term I want to add to the contract."

"What's that?"

"If I kill my mother, and she goes to Hell, then after that, I'd like her to remember me."