"That sounds good. Maybe I should try not to fall asleep on you this time." 

"It was sweet, you looked very peaceful. — but it did not look particularly comfortable, no." 

Or maybe we could cuddle in a bed, he doesn't say.

"I'll probably need to actually get a good night's sleep if I'm going to be a king!" He doesn't manage to completely prevent the faint hysteria on the last words.

"You need a good night's sleep anyway. C'mon?" 

"Yeah."

If Ben were a good person, probably he would say something like 'I am pretty sure the reason I like you cuddling me is that I want you to kiss me, and also to torture me, and I have no idea why I want those things but I am pretty sure both of them are gross and wrong and I'm sorry I'm doing this to you'. But Ben is not nearly as good a person as Asher thinks he is, and he wants Chen to think well of him, and he really wants Chen to hold him, so he doesn't.

Being a king when you're sixteen is really stressful. People need stress relief, and being held is really good stress relief, and if it makes him a better king probably it is okay. Ben tells himself this repeatedly but doesn't really believe himself. He's pretty sure if his dad said he wouldn't be king until he was thirty-five he would be trying to get Chen to hold him anyway.

Chen — needs to stop thinking about how much he wants to hold Ben, it can be something he gives Ben when Ben needs it but it shouldn't be something he seeks out — if he were as good of a person as he pretends to be he would admit to Ben that he likes this more than he should, but. He isn't. He doesn't. 

Once they're in Ben's rooms he pulls Ben down to sit on the bed with him and wraps his arms around Ben's torso and puts one hand on the back of Ben's head. 

They're on the bed. He'd thought maybe they could work up to it, he could suggest it very casually and offhandedly and not at all like it mattered, but Chen just pulled him onto the bed and. He's so happy.

He makes a little noise and presses every inch of his skin into Chen's skin, greedily.

...oh. 

Oh, that's very good. Ben should make more noises like that. He adjusts the way he's holding Ben, presses closer still. 

He makes a quiet little whimper.

"It's normal," he says quietly. "Guys should be able to touch each other without it being a big thing, right?"

"Right," he agrees, and — he does believe that, it's just — 

Just that he knows he's lying in all the ways that count, even if he isn't saying anything untrue. Just that if he really cared about Ben he would tell him so, and then leave him alone. But. 

Ben presses into him more. It's not enough.

(They shouldn't be wearing clothes, he should get to see Chen and feel how warm and strong he is and--.)

"Touch starvation is bad for you."

Any objections he might have had dissolve when Ben smiles. "It is." 

"I really like you."

Chen feels warm and partway-melted. "I really like you." 

He smooshes his head into Chen's shoulder and feels the way his chest rises and falls and the warmth of his breath.

Stray thoughts keep wandering into his head. Chen could shove him into the bed and pin him down and he couldn't do anything about it. Their faces are so close, Chen could lift up his chin and kiss him. Chen could wrap a hand around his neck and cut off his air and he could struggle but Chen is so strong he couldn't really resist--

He tries to push the thoughts firmly aside. It does not really work.

He cradles Ben's head and doesn't, doesn't consider what Ben's teeth might feel like. 

He's breathing really heavily and he can't stop thinking about things and. Well.

This is never a problem he has with Audrey.

Maybe if he doesn't move Chen won't notice.

He's not thinking about that he's not he's not. It doesn't mean anything, Ben wouldn't — Ben isn't — 

See? It's fine. It's fine.

It is nice to be held and pretend that Chen wants him.

It's nice to hold Ben. It's good that Ben is happy. He can feel the way Ben is smiling and he never wants that to stop. 

It's just. It's just. 

In principle, they'd agreed that Ben shouldn't fall asleep on Chen.

In practice, that would involve sending Chen away, and he's so soft and so warm and so good, and Ben doesn't want to go back to his cold empty bed, and Ben's eyes close and he tells himself that it's just for a minute and next thing he knows he's fallen asleep.

...oh. <3 

Ben looks very peaceful when he's asleep. Chen pets his hair, so gentle, and doesn't let go of him, doesn't stop looking down at his face, doesn't wake him. 

The next day, Ben's father announces at a press conference that he's abdicating.

Ben answers the reporters' questions. He's excited to become king. He's confident he'll do a good job; he was taught by the best king and dad in the world. Audrey doesn't know, but he's sure she'll be excited.

He feels like he's floating a little to the left of himself. He wants Chen to be there holding his hand.

Audrey is angry, of course, that he didn't tell her. He comforts her, says it was a secret from everyone, says of course he'd tell her if he could. The lie makes his stomach hurt.

He watches the press conference; mostly he watches Ben's face. Wishes he could be there with him, wishes he could help. 

Afterwards they curl up together and Chen does what he can, knows it isn't enough. (Ignores how his stomach feels whenever he thinks about Audrey.) 

The week after the announcement is busy.

After school, he locks himself into a room with his father's advisers for hours, trying to understand exactly what it means to be an absolute ruler; after his meetings with his fathers' advisers, he sits with Chen and Asher and Kaleva and talks about tariffs and macroeconomic policy and development and public health and cultural diversity. His homework doesn't get done. He schedules a date with Audrey for Friday and feels guilty about how little he misses her. He should probably skip tourney, but he doesn't; it's nice to do something he's actually good at, something that doesn't matter, something that leaves him bone-tired and unable to think.

He doesn't sleep with Chen every night, but he does about half the nights, and he's acutely conscious whenever Chen holds his hand or puts an arm around his shoulders or rests their knees together. His fantasies when he's alone are more likely than usual to be about being locked in a prison cell with nothing to do except sleep.