That night, he curls up next to Raine and says, "Is it always like that?"

"Is it always like what?" she whispers. 

"Sex with girls."

"I don't know. I've never done it, except kind of with Harry, and, well." 

"It wasn't that bad. It was nice to make her happy. I liked holding her."

"...imagine if I had sex with someone and I described it to you as 'it wasn't that bad'." 

"I know. Kiss me?"

She does. 

She's gentle about it, soft and sweet and affectionate. 

"I'm hurting Marlo," he says into her mouth. "By being with Jan, and not with him."

"I think he's okay with being hurt," which is notably not a contradiction. 

"He wouldn't be okay with hurting me. Even if I were fine with it."

"No," she agrees, "he wouldn't." 

"I want kids. Someday. So does he but--"

She pets his hair. "But?" 

"I think he just plans to do whatever he thinks will make me happiest forever. Because he loves me."

She considers that. 

"...he talked about wanting a family before he fell in love with you, though," she says after a moment. 

"No, I mean. --I think he plans not to have any kids because he can't have them with me."

"...I don't think he's planning that far out? I think his current plan is 'trade school and we'll see where I can get from there,' which I guess does mean he's stopped planning on having a family but I don't think it means he's planning on not having one." 

"How do I get him to stop loving me."

"I'm pretty sure you can't." 

"So I'm just going to. Keep hurting him. Unless he decides to stop loving me on his own."

Raine doesn't want to say yes, that's true. But it really does seem like it is. 

"He's going to keep hurting himself, if he's hurt. And he's — really, really scared of hurting you, he'd rather be hurt than hurt you, and I think he thinks if he tries to get you to stop being straight that means he'll wind up hurting you." 

"Why would he think that?"

"...I don't know if he knows he thinks that. But — when you decided you were going to try to be straight, one of the reasons was that you were worried he was going to hurt you, or at least Christine told him that was one of your reasons, and then you said you were glad he was supportive and not trying to talk you out of it, and — I think it all got kind of tangled up? I could be wrong, I only know what he's told me, but." 

"I don't know. I'm all tangled up about that too. I don't think he would hurt me. But-- I'd think that if he were going to abuse me, wouldn't I? And. I can break up with him but I can't really get him to break up with me and that is. At least a little bit worrisome."