"If you do not successfully graduate from this program, I will recommend that you continue with ex-gay therapy during the school year. There are several excellent programs which combine academics with ex-gay and eating disorder treatment. I think you would like to see your friend Natalie? And perhaps email Asher?"

"My name," he says, and he's fairly sure he's crying, "still isn't Alexander." 

"Of course, Alex. --I really am on your side here. All I want is for you to be able to have a happy and healthy life."

He's definitely crying. "Sasha. My name is Sasha. I will put away the needles if you want me to but please just let me have my name." 

"Perhaps we can find some compromise that works for both of us! Alyosha would let you honor your Russian identity and isn't a girl's name in English."

"Alyosha is not a nickname for Alexander. And even if it were, everyone I know calls me Sasha." And she's already compromising, already feels like she's going to break. 

"You're very rigid. You should learn how to be more flexible."

"....you can call me Alyosha if I can call you Crystal." 

"Perhaps we should set aside this issue for another session. Would you like to learn more about the effects of undereating on your body?"

"Sure." 

They do!

His homework is to keep a record of what he eats.

SHe agrees to do it. 

It's not so bad. Sasha can just agree to be called Alyosha next time, it's not hers his but at least it isn't Alexander and it'll look like she's reconsidered being so stubborn. (SHe's already giving up being called by her his name, by the right words, she's already giving up so much, and it isn't rigid to ask people to use your fucking name — this isn't productive.) 

Sasha sneaks off to the bathroom that night, because fuck, why not. 

Lev's head is tossed back and his hand is between his legs and he's making soft whimpery moaning noises. 

(--tied up and blindfolded so you can't even know who's using you and you couldn't stop them even if you wanted to, not that he wants to-- he's lost count of how many cocks have been in his mouth and his ass and his hands--)

— he shouldn't — it's not a good idea, it's — 

— he closes the door behind him. It clicks. 

He looks up. 

He shouldn't. He really really shouldn't. But all he can think about was how good Raine's mouth would feel.

He looks at Lev and doesn't say anything. Takes a step closer. 

Lev drops to his knees and his hands are undoing Raine's pants.

"Raine, you're so beautiful."

He shouldn't —

— but Lev uses her name, and that's — that's so, so good, it took four words for her to feel okay again and that's — she doesn't want to let go of that. She leans back against the wall and puts her wrist between her teeth to keep herself quiet. 

All he can think about is the feeling of Raine's dick in his mouth, the softness of the skin and the way it slides, the way Raine smells. It drives away the self-hatred and the fear and the misery. He isn't thinking about being used or about sex with strangers. He feels loved.

He pulls off and rests his cheek against Raine's thigh and says, "I love your dick-- uh, sorry, do you want me to use a different word for it, because you're kind of a girl--"

Oh he's perfect. 

"Dick is fine," she whispers, "cock is fine, clit is fine — thank you —" 

Raine's gratitude sends a shiver through his entire body.

He returns to sucking on her-- clit?-- and pretty soon he's not thinking about much of anything at all except how he feels warm and safe and okay and loved.

She bites down on her wrist and puts her other hand in Lev's hair and lets her hips roll forward into Lev's mouth — it's so good, he's so good, his mouth is so warm and so soft and he calls her by her name and he cares about what words she wants and — right now it feels like maybe everything will be okay, like maybe she's okay, like maybe she isn't alone here — 

He's not alone, someone likes him, he makes Raine happy and that's the best thing he can imagine-- it feels like his entire world has been reduced to his mouth and lips and tongue and throat and to Raine's clit--

She's not alone she's not alone there's someone here who cares about her someone who wants her to be okay even if she has nothing else she has Lev — she swallows down the sounds she wants to make but sometimes a tiny broken noise slips through —