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SHe'd almost looked forward to the nonsexual intimacy stage, when he'd thought he'd be able to do it with Asher.
He does his best to hide how miserable he is.
not-safe-for-wizards
There's only a few possible things this could be about. Sasha goes to her office.
sincerity-and-reverence
Christine has a lot of questions for him! What are his eating habits on a typical day? Does he drink water instead of eating? Does he feel full after eating only small quantities? Does he "feel fat"? Does he constantly check his appearance in the mirror, or avoid checking it? Has he experienced irritability, or difficulty concentrating, or social withdrawal? Has he been dizzy, or had dry skin, or felt very sensitive to the cold?
not-safe-for-wizards
He describes his eating habits on a typical day, and then notes that the last few weeks have not been typical. He does drink water instead of eating. He doesn't feel full after very small quantities of food, but does feel like he doesn't want to eat anymore. Why would he feel fat, he is objectively tiny. He doesn't avoid mirrors at home but he avoids them here. He hasn't been able to concentrate on anything since Sunday. He hasn't had dry skin or been very sensitive to cold but has been dizzy.
sincerity-and-reverence
"I believe you may have the beginnings of an eating disorder. Fortunately, we have caught it early. If you work hard on your treatment I hope you will be recovered by the end of therapy. If not, I will recommend that you stay at camp for an additional three months."
not-safe-for-wizards
"Given that I only developed an eating disorder after I was forced into coming here, keeping me here for extra time seems like a strange way to handle it."
sincerity-and-reverence
"I believe that your eating disorder may be linked to your homosexuality. Eating disorders are particularly common among homosexual men. Homosexual men tend to seek self-worth, validation, and approval through their sexuality, which makes being less attractive particularly upsetting. It is compounded by the fact that, because homosexual men have difficulty with experiencing selfless love due to their sexual brokenness, they're particularly likely to objectify each other instead of treating each other as full people. I do not think your eating disorder will go into remission unless you treat your homosexuality."
not-safe-for-wizards
"Is there literally any problem I could have that you wouldn't think was linked to my homosexuality?"
sincerity-and-reverence
"If you were hit by a car, I would not think it was caused by your homosexuality!" She grows serious. "But homosexuality is one sign of pervasive trauma and serious unmet emotional needs. It's not an accident that homosexuals are at higher risk of every kind of mental problem and are more likely to engage in self-destructive behavior."
not-safe-for-wizards
"Yes. It's almost like living in a world that hates you and having to hide important parts of yourself from most if not all of your loved ones is stressful."
And it sure is weird how the person who runs an ex-gay camp thinks the only way to treat a problem that was caused by the ex-gay camp is to stay in ex-gay camp, he doesn't say, because it doesn't seem like there'd be much point.
sincerity-and-reverence
"It feels to you like your eating disorder isn't caused by your homosexuality," she says, "but by other people's responses to your homosexuality."
not-safe-for-wizards
"If my eating disorder was caused by my homosexuality I would have had one since I was thirteen, when in fact I started developing an eating disorder when I was forced into ex-gay camp and isolated from the people I didn't have to hide from."
sincerity-and-reverence
"You started having an eating disorder when you started dating an extremely conventionally attractive man, and it worsened when he abandoned you here."
not-safe-for-wizards
Oh fuck you. "I have dated conventionally attractive men and been dumped by them before, and Asher cared about the way I look less than anyone I have ever dated. I developed an eating disorder when I was no longer able to control what I look like."
not-safe-for-wizards
"Yes. I'm pissed off that you're attributing my problems to the only person I've had since I got here who actually helped with them."
not-safe-for-wizards
"He got it. Or, sometimes it didn't make sense, but he'd listen and he never judged me, he never thought I was wrong or evil or broken for wanting to be what I wanted to be and he never tried to make me anything other than what I was."
SHe's not going to cry.
sincerity-and-reverence
"Being accepted as you are is very important to you."
The 'and this is the emotional need you have inappropriately sexualized that turned you gay' remains subtext.
not-safe-for-wizards
It had better remain subtext.
"Yeah. And for some reason, I don't think keeping me in a place that wants to chop off the bits of me it doesn't like is going to help."
sincerity-and-reverence
"You want to recover from your eating disorder, but you're not sure that I will be able to help you."
not-safe-for-wizards
"Asher never tried to change a thing about me. You told me I had to change my name because you didn't like it."
sincerity-and-reverence
"It sounds like you're very resistant to therapy. What do you think will happen if you continue to be resistant?"