"Okay."

"OK. I'll - see you."

OK. Well. Mission is go.

I think I might need to briefly, like, die.

Dunno about dead but I can knock you unconscious if that will actually solve any problems.

It will not, I am just struggling to come up with any words that accurately express the amount of awful that I am currently experiencing and would like to not.

I dunno how to - do this. Any of this. Currently desperately wishing for other teenage girls to gossip with and remembering that I have, like, a thirty-thousand-year-old bodyguard and a dog who grew up in Camelot. And that they are great, but, uh.

Right.

Yeah.

Ugh.

.... I could probably knock you unconscious for several hours at a time, if that solves the problem?

I am really not sure whether that'd make everything better or worse for me or for Ryan, but a piece of me is sorely tempted.

I'm sorry I can't help more.

S'OK. 

I will probably just have to, like, talk to Ryan like a person and try not to have a panic attack in the middle of the part that isn't talking. Somehow.

I mean I feel like if he's expecting you to not have any panic attacks in the course of this whole nightmare then he has really unreasonable relationship expectations.

Very weak laugh. Maybe. I just - I don't wanna make it worse. And I don't want him to be like 'well I thought I could do this but actually that was horrifying and I can see that you are super traumatized and I am never doing that again' because - it might not take the first time. Or the second time. 

He knocks on her door. Hug?

Mmhmm.

Hug.

I'm so sorry.

I know.

I have this really stupid voice in my head that occasionally forgets about all of the other awful parts of this and the fact that I'm gonna go to hell for it and is just like, 'man, nobody's ever gonna like you after all of this nonsense'. Which would be stupid even if there weren't probably literally two humans in this world right now, but, like, voices in your head aren't always very good at not being stupid, I guess.

You're - you're so good. I'm so grateful. Everyone's so grateful - well, most of them don't know, but everyone who knows -

Hug. She thinks she might be crying again.

Thank you. I'm - I'm trying really hard.

I know.

I'm just trying to think how to - it's so dumb, on some level, I didn't even blink that time I jumped into hell and almost got myself killed, but - I can't even, like, say words about this -

I have a vague impression that historically that was common for humans? And they got by - common for Elves too but we have osanwë which is pretty much cheating.

I mean, yeah, probably, but Ryan's not a historically person, he's a 20th century person who's already skeeved out by the age difference and the circumstances and who wants me to figure out what works, and I kind of don't think anything's going to work, but I feel like I should be making some kind of, like, attempt to make this other than maximally horrible, except even thinking about it is a little horrible so I'm not terribly sure how to make progress on this front.

Hug. Do you have a picture of, I don’t know, what a surprisingly okay experience would be?

I dunno. If - if I felt safe. And I felt like the other person liked and respected me. And like we could stop for a bit without it ruining everything. And like they weren't gonna stop being nice and safe and liking and respecting me if I got super embarrassed or if I started having a panic attack in the middle of everything.

That's so so far short of - 

- I really really want you to have that and I feel like you should be able to have that and I'm annoyed that no amount of punching Ryan in the face can make it entirely sure you could have that.

M'sorry - I don't mean to be scared of everything I just -

She's maybe just going to tremble and cry for a bit actually.

Hughughug.