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Taliar in Evil Arda
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Maitimo was going to rescue him some more, and instead they're having a lovely time that does not in any reasonable sense qualify as torture!

It's such a lovely time, though. Taliar appreciates it very much. He feels all warm and floaty, almost like trust songs in a way. Maybe this works just as well, as a method of rescuing him from his own memory...

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He's been doing a lot of torturing him. This is all right, for a while. Then - I want you to consent to a different mind-altering song. Leaves you uncertain about who people are.

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That's one of the most terrifying things I've ever heard, he says.

 

Okay.

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I love you so much, he says, and sings.

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Taliar loves him too. Very much.

He loves... he...

...something is wrong here...

A piece of the world is missing and it's a very important piece, it might be one of the most important pieces there is. There's a person here and he can't - but it's - but - he knew what was going to happen and he can still barely articulate the concept in his mind, that's how utterly fundamentally wrong it is. He can't think like this, he just keeps coming back around to the disconnect between experience and identity -

- okay. Take a step back. He agreed to this because it's Maitimo and he trusts Maitimo. He can't identify specific individual people, but if he just treats the entire universe as though it is Maitimo - trusts it, in other words - he won't go too badly wrong.

His mind still helplessly grinds its gears every time he pays attention to any person whose presence he can detect, but he can route around that by ceasing to pay attention to anything that makes him do that. Problem solved, mental function retained, sort of. It would be whole new levels of terrifying to be tortured like this - he can't pay sustained attention to people, everything a person does is therefore a complete surprise moment to moment - but he can't do anything about that. And he trusts Maitimo and Maitimo is ultimately in control of whatever happens to him right now.

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Huh. 

 

He giggles. He takes hold of Taliar's soul. 

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He loves Maitimo so much, he trusts Maitimo so much, and he can tell, it is him, the sense-of-identity cuts right through the song's effect, searingly inimitable, and he loves it so much, it's such an incredible relief, the overwhelming intimacy is exactly what he needed—

—and at the same time it's, not just a stranger, but the idea of strangers; not just someone he doesn't know, but the fact of not knowing anyone, wrapped around him like a choking cloud. There needs to be a new scale for this. Ordinary soul-touching is already too vast for his mind to contain; this is beyond that, beyond even the farthest reaches of any fluctuation-effect cascade he's ever felt, this is a whole new way of experiencing things, and the only thing it can experience is the mind-shattering agony of anonymous soul contact.

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He was hoping it might work like that. He kisses Taliar even though Taliar can't feel him, and then he stops singing and listens to the emotional rebound effect.

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The emotional rebound effect is very different after this kind of song. The sense of his soul being held by infinite strangers stops, obviously; but instead of dropping back to the normal soul-touching level and cascading from there, he stays on the higher level, and the experience of Maitimo holding his soul comes up to meet him.

Things get weird at that point.

In a space incomprehensibly vaster than his ordinary mind, his whole being resonates with a pure note of love. And at the same time, in the same space, somehow not overlapping or interfering with the first, a note of fear. Trust. Determination. Laughter. Safety. Contentment. Horror. Disbelief. Everything he's feeling about Maitimo, picked apart into individual separate layers, each one ringing him like a bell, all at once. And the subtle shades in between, trust/horror, love/determination, fear/contentment, each its own separate note in the chord... there is no scale here, no sense in which one note might be bigger or smaller than another. They are all the same size. In a strange sort of way it's like they're all the same feeling. Distinctions don't work right, in this place. The structures of his mind are not built to accomodate this kind of experience.

It's beautiful, though. That self-reflecting note blooms late among the rest. It is very, very beautiful.

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Awwww. He starts singing again.

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And now there is a note of incomprehensible torture playing amid the rest. It's the same as it was before, vast and awful and horrifying, but now somewhat lost in the crowd.

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And if he hands the soul to someone else before the identity-song has worn off...

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Well. He only controls who else can touch Taliar's soul while he himself is doing so.

If someone else touches the soul alongside him before the identity-song has worn off, there isn't actually a discernible difference. The vast space still rings with a complex chord of emotion, and the unbearable torture of anonymous soul contact is still just one note among many.

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So he can't get the waves-of-intensity effect anymore. That's annoying. The song wears off.

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And when the song wears off, the note of unbearable torture fades back out.

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Which is too bad, because unbearable torture is fun. He lets Taliar come back to himself.

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Recovery is... slow.

For a few minutes he is just completely blank. His mind is still there, but it doesn't have any thoughts or experiences in it.

Then he starts to remember what just happened, and bursts into tears, although he doesn't know he's crying because none of his senses work yet.

Touch and proprioception come back, and hearing, and sight, and he recognizes that he is weeping uncontrollably, and doesn't try to do anything about it. This is a situation worth weeping uncontrollably over.

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Ooooh, interesting.

 

He waits.

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The uncontrollable weeping goes on for a while.

That was - just so many different kinds of awful. The identity song breaks a fundamental part of how Taliar's mind works; Maitimo touching his soul on identity songs is unbearably awful in a whole new way; Maitimo touching his soul on identity songs and then letting the identity song wear off is... is... it's not even bad, exactly, it's too big to be bad, he remembers finding it beautiful, but it's incredibly, absurdly overwhelming. Ordinary soul-touching is already overwhelming; this new thing is a step past that. He can't even quite wrap his head around the memories - the structure of the experience makes no sense anymore. Ordinary soul-touching doesn't change the architecture of his mind, just the scale of it. Next-level soul-touching rearranges the entire way he experiences things. To call it 'intense' would be a laughable understatement.

He does not think he wants to do that very often.

Which is a pity, actually, because what a delightfully clever way to substitute for the presence of strangers in their sex life—

His soul gets his attention.

Maitimo's permission to touch Taliar's soul despite its protections is absolute and irrevocable, like his ability to read Taliar's mind and like Taliar's immortality. Maitimo's permission to let other people touch Taliar's soul isn't, and never was; touching it is something it considers his right, but letting other people touch it is more like a favour it does for him because it likes him and wants him to be happy. And now there is a way to get the benefits of strangers touching Taliar's soul without actual strangers needing to be involved. This seems obviously preferable. From now on, instead of the ability to let other people touch Taliar's soul, Maitimo can have the ability to make Taliar feel like a stranger is touching his soul. One, or several - as many points of contact as Maitimo can hold in his thoughts at once. And unlike letting real people touch Taliar's soul, he won't have to be touching Taliar's soul himself at the time to do it; he'll just need to have it nearby, in the same room or so.

 

...Taliar trusts his soul's judgment and agrees with its reasoning, but he finds himself unable to feel enthusiastic about this change right now. At the moment he would kind of prefer if the sensation of strangers touching his soul was not a thing that could happen.

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He likes this arrangement! It is probably better than dragging lots of strangers in, and it is certainly more convenient. 

Kiss.

If you don't want that sensation to happen you can just tell me 'no, Maitimo, I can't handle it'...

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Taliar manages a smile, although he's still a little too dazed to kiss back.

I know, he says warmly. Love you.

Hmm, how much ability to operate his own body does he have back yet - some, not all - is it enough to snuggle Maitimo with - yes it is. Excellent.

That was. That was something, he says. Wow. Snuggle snuggle. Did you like it? Can I see what you thought?

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I loved it, he says, snuggling. I love hurting you so much - there was so much to you, you were right to say that it was like it was reconfiguring your mind...

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Awwwwww. Taliar grins. I'm glad you had fun. Love you forever.

More snuggle.

It's kind of fascinating, isn't it? And that identity song, before you touched my soul on it - that was so fucked up, I could barely think, it was even worse than I thought it'd be, I don't think I'll be saying yes to that one very often but it sure was an interesting look at how my head is put together... and 'can't pay attention to people' is an interesting side effect, I might like you to be able to play with that once in a while, I'm sure you could find a good use for it...

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Kiss. It was amazing, it was beautiful, it is fascinating to see the way your brain routes around that...

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Kiss. Oh hey, he's recovered enough to successfully kiss his boyfriend now, that's awesome.

I love you and I love how I fascinate you, you're so amazing, I feel so appreciated...

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