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Taliar in Evil Arda
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His giggles begin to quiet. Yes. Yes. I do and I am. I am maybe not up for proving it that way again right this second, still haven't caught my breath from the first go, but yes. Do you begin to see how and why I am so confident that I will come back to you after the Enemy is defeated regardless of what happens in between.

Oh, and his soul reacted, how nice - it pretty much always exalts his soul at least a little when he has one of those try-me moments - is this going to tempt Maitimo to periodically display insecurity at him because he wouldn't mind all that much but he doesn't want to incentivize Maitimo to actually be chronically insecure that is rather the opposite of the point here -

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I will probably always find it thrilling to be reminded but I will not waste time worrying about it when not getting thrilling reminders.

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Okay.

He's starting to catch his breath properly. He snuggles into Maitimo's lap and leans on him and feels giddy and shaky and full of sunlight.

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It's like you were designed for me, it's - 

 

- I love you.

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That is the first time Taliar has heard that particular phrase from Maitimo.

He is utterly delighted.

He didn't really spend any time thinking about the lack of that specific sentiment, before - he was doing fine without it - but he already felt giddy and full of sunlight a moment ago and now he feels much more of both those things. He has an irresponsible urge to shelve all the cosmic concerns for the moment and spend all day in bed with Maitimo expressing his immense delight.

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Well, that is pretty tempting.

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One day off doesn't seem that irresponsible, really...

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He kind of already took a day off this week because it was the first day he had Findekáno back but how about he doesn't mention that and instead just drags Taliar under the covers and is very careful not to touch his soul and kisses him everywhere.

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Taliar continues to be immensely delighted by Maitimo and by loving Maitimo and by Maitimo loving him and by kisses and by Maitimo. Maitimo deserves multiple appearances on this list. Maitimo has glorious lovely soft hair. Maitimo is beautiful and brilliant and Taliar loves him so much, and it's more complicated than it used to be but right now he doesn't have to deal with complications, he can just - be in love.

At some point they manage to get his soul out of range of accidental touches. At some point a long while after that, when Taliar is curled up cozily next to Maitimo in a temporary state of too tired to do more than snuggle, he says, Touch my soul, I bet it'll be so good right now.

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...he does. 

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He was right. It is so good. The storm in his head is made of warmth and love and light and joy. There is still a trace of pain in there, but it's hardly noticeable amid the rest. This is the thing he wanted when giving Maitimo his whole mind wasn't good enough. It's like falling, like flying, like nothing else in the world. It's perfect. The intense unbearable intimacy feels right.

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He lets go.

 

Love you.

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Which means that Taliar's first coherent thought afterward is, I love you too.

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Are you staying?

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It would be pretty irresponsible of me to decide that right now while I am still magnificently high on positive soul contact, but I think I probably will.

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Exhausted, gloriously happy and affectionate snuggles.

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(He will probably do some work remotely. He can do that and watch Taliar be all adorably happy.)

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This is a very reasonable arrangement. Taliar is very adorably happy.

He dozes off for a bit, and then wakes up and snuggles closer, sleepily mumbling something in Nuimena that he's not quite awake enough to fully translate but which is definitely affectionate.

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He has such a delightful Taliar. He reads his mind and is soothed and is happy.

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A few seconds later he realizes that was the wrong language and provides the translation - love you forever.

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Snuggles. Background work.

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Lovely cozy snuggles.

Did they miss lunch? Taliar suspects they missed lunch. Taliar is entirely fine with having missed lunch, but now he is hungry.

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Food will be brought! 

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Oh good. And he's even hungry enough to successfully pay attention to it!

When he's done eating he snuggles up to Maitimo again and thinks: okay, no longer magnificently high, back to decisionmaking.

He has a much clearer idea of both the range of soul-touching outcomes and the cause of them, now. As far as he can tell, what it does is make him feel completely surrounded by and wrapped up in Maitimo, intensely inescapably intimately connected, and then on top of that everything he feels about Maitimo is magnified to an incomprehensible scale until it drowns out all non-soul-touching-related thought, with an emphasis on what he is feeling about Maitimo in the moment but with past feelings and general attitudes also represented even if they're not specifically on his mind at the time. So it can get much better than 'almost but not quite nice enough not to qualify as torture', but on the other hand he also suspects it could get a lot worse than what he's experienced so far.

That, plus what Maitimo said about how he's going to treat Taliar if he stays... it won't be entirely comfortable, but it'll be better than the guesses he carefully avoided imagining in any detail. The benefits are higher than he thought (positive soul contact: utterly magnificent), and the costs lower (it's implied that Maitimo will sometimes be in consent-respecting moods, and as described even when out of them he will be unambiguously preferable to Nahira).

He double-checks, compares the newly refined mental weight of all the reasons for and against, because this is the sort of decision it is important to take seriously.

He wants to be near Maitimo and see him and be physically affectionate with him and he really really wants to have Maitimo touch his soul under optimal conditions again, that was glorious. He wants to make Maitimo happy, and staying will make Maitimo happy, and it'll give him more opportunities to do other things that also make Maitimo happy. He doesn't want Maitimo to be hurt, and if he doesn't stay, Maitimo will definitely be hurt.

He doesn't want - he doesn't want the results of being around Maitimo in a non-consent-respecting mood, and he doesn't want Maitimo touching his soul under unpleasant conditions, and he doesn't want the emotional fallout of those things or the difficulty he'll have in forgiving him afterward. Forgiveness is something he can do, there's no doubt in his mind that he will succeed, but getting there will be stressful and upsetting and difficult and he'd rather not have to.

The spark at the heart of his soul strengthens visibly while he thinks about it. Having this conversation and thinking through this decision have been pretty good for his soul, overall, which is something he's glad of.

And in the end, the result is clear, every way he looks at it. Staying, he concludes.

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