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Taliar in Evil Arda
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can save you the trouble, if it's not helping any to decide -

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He smiles wryly. Not yet, anyway. If I pick 'this is hard and I'd rather leave it up to you', I'll tell you so.

So there's 'I love Maitimo and want to be around him', and there's 'I love Maitimo and want to do things that make him happy', and neither of them is sufficient either on their own or in combination. There's 'self-destructive urge to punish myself for hurting someone I love', which has been ejected from consideration. What's left?

...oh. 'I love Maitimo and don't want him to suffer.' That's left. It's different enough from wanting him to be happy that it didn't make it into the total with it; they're very different feelings. Wanting to be around Maitimo feels warm and cozy and sort of bittersweet; wanting to make Maitimo happy feels bright and fluttery and soul-golden; wanting Maitimo not to be hurt feels deep-rooted and fiercely protective.

In which case he needs to know...

How bad would it be, being alone for however long it takes, and how much would having me help?

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Depends how long, depends if I really believed you'd come back when it was over, depends if there's anything sufficiently urgent that I really have to be at my best, depends whether any of my brothers can spare the time to come visit - I haven't been really and totally alone in a very long time - and he sends the memory, learning his father was dead, looking steadily ahead at the prospect of this war, of trading his happiness off for strategic advantages again and again and again because it would never be defensible to do otherwise, until there was nothing left to trade or feel or remember having felt -

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Taliar really really does not want Maitimo to be hurt. He hugs him tightly, and for a moment his soul shines with it, a deep amber-gold...

...and he recalls the important strategic information that his soul reacts strongly to him being in love.

It's not a complete answer to the question, though, because he can still be in love with Maitimo in soul-strengthening ways if they never see each other and only ever speak over osanwe, and he doesn't have a good estimate of how much more difficult it will be to manage a soul-strengthening love from closer by, under the circumstances - usually it would definitely be easier if they could see each other regularly, but.

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I thought your soul didn't react to me?

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Not until last night, and I'd gotten used to counting you out completely, but it looks like there are subtler gains to be made than 'acquire virtue, instantly turn your boyfriend into a god'...

He tries to make sense of why that feeling worked when other forms of love for Maitimo are still entangled in complications. It has something to do with... it's exalting for Taliar to feel the way he just did regardless of who he's feeling it for, it doesn't have to do with their personal qualities, just with their existence as a person he cares about. Most other forms of love that he feels are more strongly tied to identity and personality - he loves Maitimo for being Maitimo and not, circularly, for being a member of the category 'people Taliar is in love with'. But he is very in love with Maitimo and so when he feels exalting forms of protectiveness towards Maitimo he feels them strongly.

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Is there - a way I could be that'd let your soul count me - other than 'virtuous' -

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I don't know. More specifically than 'virtue', the problem is—I'm not sure I can get this into words but I'll try to get it into coherent thoughts—

For the most part, the question of what Taliar's soul prefers him to do in any given situation is best answered by an intuitive sense of where he should be aiming in the landscape of tradeoffs. There's some flexibility to it, often quite a lot of flexibility when the stakes aren't at 'evil god' levels. But there are some things that he just cannot do, no matter what, things that do not exist as options for him to take. One of them is nonconsensual mental alteration, for a fairly strict definition of consent; another one is rape.

Even if it appealed to him - which it really doesn't, but that's incidental to the question at hand - even if he found himself in a situation like Maitimo was in, where it was that or a desolate eternity of loneliness; even if somehow he had to do it to save a world... that would be it for his soul. There wouldn't even be a spark left. It would probably take him years to recover even if he immediately resolved never to do it again. It is unacceptable in all cases. He cannot hold it as an option. Just contemplating the hypothetical where he has to do it to save a world puts his soul under noticeable strain - the golden spark flickers for a moment, and then he tells himself that if it ever comes up he will find a better solution and the light steadies again, a little brighter than before.

Maitimo, evidently, holds these things as options. And Taliar's soul can't handle that. It can't handle the fact that this person, whom Taliar genuinely loves for true reasons, is also someone who is willing to do what Taliar's soul considers fundamentally unacceptable things. (That's not to say that Taliar would be better off if Maitimo was also somehow faking all of the things about him that Taliar loves - it wouldn't leave Taliar with the problem of being in love with a rapist in the long term, but he would be even more emotionally shattered about it and might have a hard time not killing himself.)

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There's nothing to be a lie. You saw the kingdom; you were not under the impression it was that way out of my personal virtue; it is obviously that way because I wanted it to be that way; I'm not even sure what it'd mean for any of that to be a lie.

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If you were arranging all this as some kind of ludicrously subtle long game with the eventual aim of betraying everyone to the Enemy, that would count under 'all a lie'. I'm not worried on that front, though. My soul would've mentioned it last night.

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That is something I feel the same way about as you feel about what I did to Findekáno.

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Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. I love you.

Snuggle.

We've gotten a little distracted, haven't we.

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Yeah. It's not as if you have to decide today anyway.

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I'd like to figure it out, though. I want... I want to know what I end up picking.

He contemplates his three reasons to stay. Not wanting Maitimo to be hurt is definitely the missing factor he was looking for. That and wanting to be near him and wanting him to be happy, against unknown amounts of danger and unpleasantness that will definitely involve at least some soul-touching. So... more information seems like a good next step...

When you say you won't be able to do consent—I'm not sure I know what that... ends up looking like, and that seems like useful information for the purposes of this decision...

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What were you expecting, when you said you didn't think the next six months would be pleasant...

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It's hard to make himself think about directly. And the details that were relevant for the purposes of predicting how he'll feel about Maitimo afterwards aren't the same ones that are useful for predicting whether it will be worth it on a personal level. For predicting how he'll feel about Maitimo afterwards he can reduce the things that aren't soul-touching to a rounding error; for the other thing he's... much less sure.

Tracing out this line of reasoning is making him feel nervous and unhappy and flinchy, and he finally lets himself openly think about why so Maitimo will understand: If he tries to make guesses about this in any more than the very vague amount of detail he's thought in terms of so far, he's going to end up thinking in depth about the things Nahira said to him the night he manifested his soul, and he really, really, really, really hates doing that. Asking Maitimo does not run into this problem.

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I do not want to be - anything like her.

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Taliar hugs him. I don't think you are anything like her. I love you.

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What I want is someone who's mine. And sometimes I will come scoop him up and cuddle him and dote on him and sing him songs I wrote about the way he thinks and the way he smiles, and sometimes I will come upstairs and say 'strip and come over here', and I want that to work - I don't want it to hurt you, I don't actually want you unwilling, I just want to know that I don't have to constantly be maneuvering, that I can have what I want either way - I like that you'll do things just because they make me happy and you love me, I want to test that, I want to keep reassuring myself that it's true, and I want that high I get every time I learn it is -

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As Maitimo explains, Taliar is thinking that he was right, Maitimo is not like Nahira—for Nahira, unwillingness was a substantial part of the point

—and then Maitimo says that last part, about wanting to reassure himself that Taliar wants to do things because they make him happy and Taliar loves him; and the clearest way Taliar can think of to express his response to that is to pick up Maitimo's hand and put it on his soul, and he doesn't second-guess, he just does it, immediately, on impulse.

It's... soaring, this time, the pain far outweighed by the glory. He doesn't cry. The feeling overflowing his mind is a determined, deliberate love, the choice to acknowledge and support and cultivate his care and affection for Maitimo, the certainty that he will continue to have these feelings and continue to make that choice. It fills him up like sunlight.

And the light of his soul brightens under Maitimo's hand. Just a little, but definitely enough to notice.

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Oh Taliar, he says, even though Taliar can't hear him, and he soaks it in and soaks it in and soaks it in and he's crying, how silly - stop that, tears -

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Well. Taliar will be unavailable for comment until Maitimo lets go of his soul. He will just continue feeling intense overwhelming deliberate love, so vast and all-encompassing that it drowns the hurt that would by itself have been too much to bear. There's something almost - defiant, in it, a wordless undercurrent of 'if you think I could ever stop loving you, watch and learn.'

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He lets go of the soul. He clings to the Taliar.

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The first thing that comes back to him this time is - laughter, helpless breathless giggles. He hugs Maitimo as best he can, still shaky and uncoordinated. I love you I love you I love you - wow, talk about proof of concept - I'm an impulsive idiot and I don't regret it for a second - I love you so much - are you okay?

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You love me, you really do, you're going to keep doing that -

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