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Taliar in Evil Arda
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"...yes."

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"That seems like an improvement, then."

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All right, maybe he isn't going to shock her.

 

"One time he told me how he'd break me, if he was going to, and I thought about it a few minutes later and lit up like you wouldn't believe. And then laughed myself silly because it's ridiculous that I've turned myself into someone who gets off on accurate descriptions of how to psychologically torture me."

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"You trust him deeply," she observes.

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He sighs. He leans on her. "I really, really do."

What else...

"...And there was the time when - before my soul acknowledged him, I was in the habit of just never holding refusal as an option, because I'd known I was giving that up when I decided to stay, so it didn't make sense to taunt myself about it? And it helped a lot, with - being actually cooperative, being on the same side. So. And then one time he asked me to start checking whether I'd refuse if I could, and for a while the answer was 'are you kidding me', and then - did you know, Nahira's flower, it's daffodils? And he asked me to check, and - I knew it was going to fuck me up, but I did, and I would've said no, and he went ahead anyway, and. I got through it on pure willpower, there was nothing else left. Couldn't sleep with him in the room that night, hardly moved for two days afterward. It was bad."

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Kelora hugs him and doesn't say anything.

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"And... I'd known what I was getting myself into, when I checked. I did that knowing what was going to happen, and then it did, and I knew I was going to get through it, and I did, and I knew I was going to put myself back together good as new afterward, and I did. And it doesn't - it doesn't make it okay but it does make it okay, or, I make it okay? It's something I am okay with." His voice wavers slightly. "My boyfriend raped me and I am okay with that."

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"Okay," says Kelora, hugging him some more. "I know you. I believe you."

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He clings to her and starts crying, very quietly. He's not even sure why. It's just - he was expecting to have to be one of two people who knew that story in full, indefinitely, the alternative being to either tell his father rather more intimate details than he ever wants to talk to his father about, or tell anyone else and have them disagree with the last sentence and not have a hope of explaining to them why they are wrong, and now he can tell someone and she just believes him...

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"I am very wise," she says, holding him. "I knew you'd need this. Observe how right I was."

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Nod. Cling. Cry.

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Hugs. Endlessly patient hugs.

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"...and then," he sniffles eventually, "when I was putting myself back together - I had to get to the point of being able to like sex again before anything else, obviously, or I'd just lose a bunch of progress every night, so I went in on developing scary interests, and he - he came in while I was in the middle of it, and I asked him to - to tell me if I was getting too tempting - he can read my entire mind all of the time, I forget if I've mentioned that - and he said he didn't want to interrupt, and, me and my scary interests went and kissed him, and he said I could still say no if I wanted, for the rest of the day I could do that, and I - very emphatically did not say no - and it was terrifying and I absolutely loved every second of it and it's one of the best feelings in the world, Kelora, to be trying to get your mind to do something and have it really work, it just turns like a key in a lock and suddenly everything is perfect, and for some reason most of those moments I have ever had in my life have been while Maitimo was having utterly terrifying sex with me and I was very successfully trying to like it."

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She hugs him. She pets his hair. She says, "Congratulations on your successes."

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He starts giggling rather hysterically.

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Kelora smiles.

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"You're a better friend than I deserve, Zierni Kelora."

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"I contend that there is no such thing."

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He laughs softly and hugs her some more.

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"Anything else weighing on you, now that we've established that I'm unshockable?"

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"...There's such a thing as magic songs that do mind control effects, and I like to have him sing me trust songs because I get really high on them. One time he did one that makes it impossible to identify people and I got absolutely fucked up on it, I couldn't pay attention to anything that seemed like a person because my whole mind would lock up trying to figure out who they were and I couldn't even tell whether they were the same as the person they'd been a moment ago. Sex on trust songs is amazing and sex on identity songs would probably be up there with the actual worst things I have ever experienced and now that I've thought of it I'm absolutely going to ask him to try it sometime. Maybe for my next bad day. Bad days are the 'see how my commitment holds up' days. I've had two so far. The first one was when he carved his name in my back, the second one was the first time he had a stranger touch my soul."

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"I'm honestly surprised that carving his name in your back seemed worth an appearance in a day meant to test your commitment."

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"Yeah, his aim was a little low that first time. He learned fast, though."

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"Good. Can you imagine if you'd gone all that way and then discovered he was a slow learner?"

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Taliar giggles. "Yes, that would've been terrible."

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