Which is another metaphorical bucket of cold water, dragging Vanyel back to the world. :She went to Haven? Why?: 

:Secretly. Disguised as, er, that girl. Since she can do White Winds Adept illusions now - Leareth confirmed he couldn't tell at a glance. She said we needed to be in contact, find out what happened, and she had a better chance than any of Leareth's people.: 

And apparently no one with any sense was functional enough to– well, the thing is, Leareth would have pointed out if it was a bad plan in expectation. It's - not, actually, a bad plan, compared to Leareth trying to send a spy in undetected. It's just that none of Leareth's spies are Jisa, and maybe that shouldn't make Vanyel feel like they're expendable, maybe he should have some moral consistency about the value of a person's life, AND YET. 

:When did she go? What time is it now?: 

:She left a while before dawn. It's a bit past noon, now. ...She thought it would take candlemarks to get there and back, she's not - running late.: 

:And Leareth's still here?: 

:...You must have been so out of it. You really don't remember him coming in? He was fretting over you, it was kind of sweet.: 

That mental image is not happening. 

Stef pulls Vanyel closer and doesn't say anything for a long time. 

- then, abruptly, he tenses. 

:What?: 

It's going to be bad news, it's going to be that Jisa is dead or Haven is a crater now or there are a bunch of gryphons bearing down on them, it feels inevitable, they weren't quite clever enough and they lost and it's–

:Aroon just Mindspoke me. Jisa's back - er, well, stuck in Waymeet pretending to be Clara until they can swap back, it sounds like - and she knows what happened. They, um. Thought you were dead. The Death Bell rang.: 

:Oh. I - guess Yfandes dying would probably trigger it.: 

He should be dead, it's a mistake that he's alive, something that Someone overlooked, if he was dead too it wouldn't hurt anymore

:No! That wasn't it. It was a day and a half earlier. Around when we arrived at the kyree caves.: 

 :But -: Nothing was even happening then, nothing that could possibly... :- Oh. The Heartstone.: 

:Melody had the thought too, after questioning Blai. Though now she's - probably been arrested as well. We think Or possibly was struck by lightning, but Jisa thought Aber wouldn't just be worried if it were that, so hopefully...: 

Helpless shrug.

:Blai is being held with his access to magic blocked, but he was able to request new spells from his goddess anyway. Jisa thought he was - holding up all right. He opted to stay, we're - still hoping the Heralds might be talking it over and will ask the right questions...: 

:It would convince them if I went to Haven.: 

And he absolutely cannot go to Haven. Not - like this, not already filled with the inexorable feeling that it's too late and they've lost and the world will burn no matter what they do. 

Memories of fire pressed up against the other side of a Gate. Tylendel lost his Companion, and he thought the world might as well burn along with his enemies. Vanyel...doesn't think he's quite there, but how much more would it take, for calling a Final Strike on the Heartstone to feel like a blessed release? 

Something could happen to Stef, and– he can't finish that thought. 

Maybe this is exactly where the Star-Eyed wanted him to end up. Not that he has any idea what burning Haven to the ground accomplishes from Her perspective. 

Stef squeezes his shoulder. 

:No, love. You're not - you shouldn't go. It's not worth...: 

:I shouldn't. It's not worth.: He doesn't even try to find the word that goes at the end of that sentence.

He closes his eyes. It doesn't help. 

:...I need to be dead.: 

Horrified confused Stef??? 

:I didn't mean it like that!: Or, well, mostly not. :I - need to talk to the Shadow-Lover. And - be somewhere it doesn't hurt, for a little while, where I can think. There's something we're not thinking of, there's got to be a way...:

Hugs from his lifebonded are insufficient and he needs hugs from Death instead shut up, Stef's brain, he's not here to be a baby about this. 

:You think it's worth the risk?: 

Snort. :I think it's barely a risk at all. Pretty sure They still need me. But I guess we should check if the kyree have Healers.: 

It wouldn't be a risk at all if Blai were here, but - it's almost easier without that. He knows how he would choose, every single time, but - he can briefly fantasize about how he might not be offered that choice, how it might really be over, maybe the gods have decided he's a liability now.

...Honestly that's probably true of the Star-Eyed Goddess, and - maybe he should be more paranoid about how likely it is that the unnamed god behind the Shadow-Lover is a part of that too - but it doesn't feel right, and he's too tired for paranoia. 

:It's a gamble. I–: Wrenching reluctance. :You have the right to ask me not to, if you can't...: 

If he can't handle even a tiny risk of what Vanyel coped with for eighteen years. Stef isn't going to be a baby about that either. 

:I won't tell you what to do, Van.: 

:Then we should find out about the kyree Healers.: 

:You're not even going to wait for Jisa to get back?: She's going to be hurt and angry about that even if she thinks it was a reasonable call. 

:It's been days and the Heralds are still escalating. I don't know how long we have. I need -: 

A miracle. If only he could talk to Blai's goddess by killing himself, She seems a lot more likely to care. 

:- I need something we haven't thought of yet. I might be able to think of it there.: