"Welcome back, I am Three-Dog, awoooooo! And you're listening to Galaxy News Radio.
Latest news coming out of the big, beautiful and completely irradiated world, the Enclave's shadowy President continues his march of progress across the Wasteland, eliminating yet another settlement of peaceful, farming ghouls. I'm sure it was completely necessary and those farmers were about to rise up and destroy him. Good work, President Eden! May your reign be short and painful!
Good news for all you fans of food, a new crop of mutated vegetables, most likely formerly tomatoes, will not kill you! That's right baby, tomato sauce is BACK! The condiment only ever heard of in ancient scripture and old-world novels is back! Hurray for progress!
And lastly, the wonderful and terrifying Brotherhood of Steel has confirmed the Jefferson Memorial is in fact swarming with super mutants and their creepy-crawly pets. My response to this news? Who cares! The old Presidents are the things of the past. Why think of them when we have brand-new racist egomaniacs?
Now, here's a little jam to get you through. Stay safe out there, Wastelanders."