Valia Wain does not prepare spells on the morning of her trial, because after the trial they will put her to death, and Iomedae's resources are valuable, and there are no good uses of them available to her. It feels like a hole inside her, not having spells, but she ought to be willing to endure much worse, if it's the right thing to do. Was willing to endure much worse, when it was a bit more distant. It seems more difficult now that it's drawn near.

She wishes there wasn't the whole to-do about the trial, really. She feels sick at the thought of the crowd. It is their right, to see justice done. It is probably one of the six pieces that would need to work for Cheliax to have a real justice system that was really just. But in isolation it is just - a crowd of people who will go on to live in a Cheliax she can no longer have any hope of helping to fix, a people she cannot inspire, should not inspire, except by her example in renouncing the evils she has done and going obediently to judgment for them.

She is angry. It is a sort of futile swirling undirected anger, like a buzzing fly in the last hours of its life where it's clumsy and no longer any good at flying, and will launch itself noisily from surface to surface. She is angry at Elie Cotonnet, for hosting a constitutional convention, or maybe for hosting this constitutional convention. She is angry at the Queen, for leaving the Evil nobles in power, for deciding she'd rather kill every person who will will miserable certainty rebel against them for the rest of time than kill them. She is angry at herself, for coming here, for giving a speech, for not giving a better speech, for not understanding the mood of the people of Westcrown, for not having learned to read as a child, for not having known how to guard her thoughts and keep Victòria and Alicia safe. She is angry at Hell, for ruling Cheliax, and at everyone who acts like it would be profoundly uncivilized to dig such matters up and continue caring about them.

She is very, very afraid. She knows that they won't torture her. She thinks she has the impulse control not to channel and accidentally protract her execution and perhaps she can expend the channels in advance, if she's still worried about it in the moment. She is not very afraid of judgment; she will go to Iomedae, who has never abandoned her. There will still be the war to fight, in Heaven. She is not sure what that leaves her to be afraid of, but she is so afraid that it makes every part of her feel very alive, and very numb. 


Some servants of the Queen come in, and fix her up with Prestidigitation, and make her change into clean clothes, and comb her hair. The anger buzzes around and settles on them, though this is stupid. 

And then she waits, and waits, and waits, for what feels like a thousand years.

Valia Wain does not prepare spells on the morning of her trial, because after the trial they will put her to death, and Iomedae's resources are valuable, and there are no good uses of them available to her. It feels like a hole inside her, not having spells, but she ought to be willing to endure much worse, if it's the right thing to do. Was willing to endure much worse, when it was a bit more distant. It seems more difficult now that it's drawn near.

She wishes there wasn't the whole to-do about the trial, really. She feels sick at the thought of the crowd. It is their right, to see justice done. It is probably one of the six pieces that would need to work for Cheliax to have a real justice system that was really just. But in isolation it is just - a crowd of people who will go on to live in a Cheliax she can no longer have any hope of helping to fix, a people she cannot inspire, should not inspire, except by her example in renouncing the evils she has done and going obediently to judgment for them.

She is angry. It is a sort of futile swirling undirected anger, like a buzzing fly in the last hours of its life where it's clumsy and no longer any good at flying, and will launch itself noisily from surface to surface. She is angry at Elie Cotonnet, for hosting a constitutional convention, or maybe for hosting this constitutional convention. She is angry at the Queen, for leaving the Evil nobles in power, for deciding she'd rather kill every person who will will miserable certainty rebel against them for the rest of time than kill them. She is angry at herself, for coming here, for giving a speech, for not giving a better speech, for not understanding the mood of the people of Westcrown, for not having learned to read as a child, for not having known how to guard her thoughts and keep Victòria and Alicia safe. She is angry at Hell, for ruling Cheliax, and at everyone who acts like it would be profoundly uncivilized to dig such matters up and continue caring about them.

She is very, very afraid. She knows that they won't torture her. She thinks she has the impulse control not to channel and accidentally prolong her execution and perhaps she can expend the channels in advance, if she's still worried about it in the moment. She is not very afraid of judgment; she will go to Iomedae, who has never abandoned her. There will still be the war to fight, in Heaven. She is not sure what that leaves her to be afraid of, but she is so afraid that it makes every part of her feel very alive, and very numb. 


Some servants of the Queen come in, and fix her up with Prestidigitation, and make her change into clean clothes, and comb her hair. The anger buzzes around and settles on them, though this is stupid. 

And then she waits, and waits, and waits, for what feels like a thousand years.