"There used to be a mill here. I don't know why it was abandoned, but I guess I'm happy that this place is now quiet and nature has begun to reclaim it."

"Might have just been an inconvenient location for commerce. Might have been something else entirely. But it's good to have natural places on top of the built ones. Sometimes I think people on Tirra are going to replace everything with farms, mills, towns, farms, mines, carefully managed forests for wood, and more farms."

"That would be such a loss, it's nice to have wild places, it keeps us... grounded."

Are they not going to talk about what happened? On the one hand she kinda wants to talk about it, but at the same time she would rather talk about Anything Else. It's so. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah.

"Mmh... It all comes down to balance in the end, you know? Well, there's a lot of perspectives on what makes people peopley, and- On one level, we're built to see, to experience, to understand the world. The mental tools that help someone with no tools more complicated than a sharp rock deal with the world. Helping each other, and finding joy in that because joy makes us do it more, and people helping each other don't starve as often. Paying attention to nature, because it can provide, and thusly finding it beautiful so we do it, and survive. And fear and anger too have their roots in - survival, in passing on the line to children. But that's such a cold way of thinking of it? Even if the reason we see beauty, or feel alone or afraid, or form communities, is - known, is picked apart like that, we still do those things, we still have those experiences. They matter."

She flomps onto her side near the spring and appreciates the little pool.

"It's a nice place."

"It iiiiiis, I love the sound of water, and birds and..."

She's suddenly quiet.

"We should probably talk... about... things..."

Why is it so hard? Weiss is so easy to talk to, the only person that she's ever felt was similar to her, and yet the idea of talking about... the thing... fills her with dread.

"Yeah."

Deep breath.

"I'm afraid of... Of wanting to touch you for the wrong reasons? Because of how you- Are. And not who you are. I think that would be hurtful to you, and wrong. Also I'm thinking a lot about... Touching people... I touch my sister kitsunes sometimes and that was okay because it was - definitely not sex? I wasn't interested in them that way? So it could just be a hug, or tail-brushing, nothing more, don't need to think or worry about it. I- Kitsunes do this thing, it's... Ohhhh I can't say that part."

"I... honestly I didn't expect anyone to ever want to touch me that way at all. Exactly because of how I am. I think there's still a part of me surprised you haven't run away in disgust."

"I expected to simply die alone and... untouched."

"There's parts of me I like, you've... experienced them." Blushing smile. "And I like how my mind works, I like my connection the Her, I like being open to new things and being curious, I care about everyone, and I think that's a good way to live."

"But then there's the other half, the reason why I've never even tried getting to know a woman. I mean, not that they would even be interested in me, I'm weird for liking women, I guess it's because I was born... like this."

"That's sad. I mean... The monogamy and marriage thing is - it's preventing worse stuff. Women with babies and nobody to help, who then both starve. But that doesn't mean it doesn't do any hurt in the meantime, you know? And it doesn't leave much room for exceptions to the rule. I - have memories of - a place of incredible plenty - that was slowly learning to be more relaxed about it. I think there are places like that somewhere in the world now, probably, but it's all- The social machine we have that makes everyone work together on a large scale crushes some of the outliers in its gears. Sometimes that's slaves. Sometimes that's heretics. Sometimes that's people with different skin color. Sometimes that's women with male parts, or women who want other women, or men who want men, or men with woman parts. I want to hug you."

Men liking men, now that's a weird thought. But then again, she's never even understood women liking men, so what does she know?

She stares at the sky, taking in the colors and the sounds and the sound of Weiss's voice.

"I'd love a hug." She rolls over to face Weiss, and opens her arms.

Weiss also rolls, using her tail for balance in the motion.

Hug!

"...I do, think, I want, to touch you that way. Thinking about it makes me feel - hungry, like it would be fun. It's just. It's also buried among all sorts of other things that are making me hesitate. Only one of which I've mentioned aloud."

The word hungry plucks her like the string of a lute. An image of Weiss in her fox shape, standing on top of her and biting her shoulder, pinning her down... gods...

"I... really liked you touching me. I think you're beautiful, and I'm curious, I want to... explore you. But it's also so weird, the idea that someone could would something like that with me."

"Do you want to talk about the other things that make you hesitate? I don't want you to do something you'll regret. As much as my body wants... everything, my heart wants your happiness more."

"Kitsunes don't get old. Humans do, and eventually go back to the Great Wheel of Reincarnation. If I get - attached to you - I'm going to have to go fucking fix that."

"Oh."

"You could avoid getting attached." Yeah, no, not a chance. Selena is getting attached, she can feel that.

"Must be hard, seeing the generations pass as you do not." Hug hug hug. "I hope my soul will go to Her, when my path is complete."

Weiss suddenly ducks out of the hug and spins, standing up and pacing.

"On Tirra... As best I understand it, the Light Gods take departed souls, and wipe them clean of what they experienced in the world, and return them to new births. They're still - the same person, in a way, the same predispositions and overall personality, but then they experience a whole new childhood. A whole new memory. A whole new set of lessons and hurts. They can end up very different than before. Maybe you lived before and were in a female-shaped body to begin with, then. Would you even recognize yourself?"

"No memory, no history... are you even the same person? My past has shaped me, I don't think I would meaningfully be the same person if I was born in a different body? I wouldn't have run away, for once..."

"Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. I'm - I'm spiraling into an old and unhelpful thought pattern here, Selena. I can bitch about it for a while or you can try to distract me."

No, no, no. Not that kind of distraction. Mind out of the gutter!

"Would you like to hear a story?"

She's still pacing. Step step step step step step step step swish, turning around with a wave of the tail.

"I- Maybe, but, this is the kind of thing that constitutes getting to know me and the mood is already heavy so I kind of want to get it over with so I'm gonna go ahead and rant and then story. Okay? Okay."

Step step step step step step step step swish.

"I have been accused - correctly - of having a guilt complex. I feel guilty when I probably oughtn't. But I say to them: Nyeh! Feelings don't go away because they ought to!"

Step step step step step step step step swish.

"So here I fookin' am, sitting by the pool and whining about my feelings when I am one of the most powerful goddamn entities on Tirra and can save half a dozen lives by taking a casual walk through a particularly cursed bit of forest and murdering everything that attacks me. Gods, that sounds like a good stress-reliever right now though. Waah! I'm too powerful, it sucks!" She snorts loudly.

Step step step step step step step step swish.

"I know things. That could help people a lot if they worked out just right. Vaguely. Very vaguely. I might be able to inspire people to - do better, to build things, to learn peace and love and justice. There's a million things I can do that would be so very boring and tiring and would help people I have never and will never meet so very much."

Step step step step step step step step swish.

"I can't live like that, constantly thinking about the most optimal action to help people, or save people, or build things, or whatever. I tried for a while. I fucked up, started doing stupid things that felt like the right decision at the time."

Step step step step step step step step swish.

"That if I could just - steal this important artifact, or attack this corrupt noble, or make a passionate speech to the crowd, that's a small evil for a greater good and everything would be better. That I knew better. That I had a duty to prove myself, to help people, to keep them safe, to stand up against corrupt justice, to fight people who try to step on the little guys."

Step step step step step step step step swish.

"I didn't notice how crazy I was getting. I was aggressive, erratic. I'd lash out and threaten people as a normal thing, just if they were mildly annoying or even if they had a perfectly good reason to suspect me of something."

Step step step step step step step step swish.

"I'd get back at them in petty ways that didn't help anyone and think of it as a little dose of justice. Heck, maybe I was earlier when I wanted to go poke whoever upset you this morning! Gosh I'm glad I didn't now!"

Step step step step step step step step swish.

"When I was done swooping in and being a big damn hero, the people who I 'helped' sometimes weren't feeling very helped at all. They still had to deal with the corrupt official I embarrassed after I left, I didn't."

Step step step step step step step step swish.

"I got a rather passionate complaint about it from someone once, you know? So I decided to stop messing with towns, and governments, for the most part, because poking holes in those usually makes something a lot worse."

Step step step step step step step step swish.

"I went to the borderlands, the cursed lands, where there isn't so much civilization and rules. I fought monsters. I warned people away from danger. I ran through the wilderness doing my best to single-handedly save everyone on an entire continent."

Step step step step step step step step swish.

"And I was stressed and overwhelmed and kind of miserable and eventually I just - stopped. Doing things. Any things that I didn't absolutely have to do. For a long time. Eventually I figured out how to not implode at the thought of not spending every second of every day helping people but it comes up again sometimes and I hate it and there I'm done."

She sits down on a rock heavily, arms crossed. And siiiiiiiighs.

She gets up and puts her hands on Weiss's shoulders. If she seems to accept the touch she'll start to slowly massage them.

"My mom used to say that you can't pour water out of an empty container."

Sigh.

"I think she would have liked you. But maybe it's just wishful thinking."