Okay but what if the archon is just SAYING that though. What if it doesn't want him anywhere near it and it has to say all that nice stuff anyway. What if he goes to Heaven and then everyone there hates him forever!

"We in Hell agree with Heaven on one thing," the devil says, showing a snake's tongue. "This case is indeed simple in its essence. Priest Blai Artigas has spent his entire life as a sterling servant of Hell, obeying its commands without ever questioning what they were. Throughout his life, he has killed, tortured, and tyrannized as Hell commanded him, with hardly a thought to the damage he did to others or to the moral aspects of his decisionmaking; in re Costel. He simply obeyed orders, in re Hegenbach. To him, slaying demons was no different from flaying orphans or vivisecting slaves; all were activities done at the urging of his superiors, neither done for the sake of goodness or evil, or out of a belief that good or evil would result; to both he displayed a 'depraved indifference,' in re Hewart. When Hell had no further use for him, his activities hardly changed a whit; he simply changed his slavish obedience to a new master. Hell concurs with Heaven that his obediences were Lawful, it simply disagrees about the statement that they can be counted Good. Blai is damned.

"Further, we wish to prove that no atonement occurred. Under Newton, five prongs must be met to determine atonement. As I am sure everyone here knows," except for the deceased, "these five prongs are feeling regret for previous actions, taking responsibility for previous actions, changing relations with those affected, attempting to repair the consequences of previous actions, and reliably and consistently changing behavior. This fifth prong is not, on its own, sufficient to ensure redemption, and as none of the other four are met. Therefore the deceased is Lawful Evil just as he was when he was a loyal servant of Asmodeus, to Whose serve he should justly now return."

Yeah that all sounds about right honestly except he is as of the last thing he can remember working for Iomedae and She doesn't want Hell to have him or indeed anyone or indeed to exist at all so hopefully the inevitable has something really good when it's its turn. Was he supposed to go find all those people he hurt? Why the fuck would they ever have wanted his personal attention even if they weren't mostly dead and past third circle help? What in the world would he have been supposed to do if he found one, let them punch him in the face? It turned out at the end there that he wasn't bad at not attacking people who were punching him in the face but it didn't really seem like a central example of the kind of thing an Iomedaean is supposed to do with their time if they can just not. Probably he is just too late to figure this out, they're not going to have Lastwall catechism class in Hell and he will never know what the right answer was.

"Thank you. Abyss?"

The demon has been so well-behaved so far. Hopefully they'll have an actual argument rather than just yelling "flesh."

"Your honor, while the most visible acts of the decedent's life tend to trend towards Law, this court has the ability to examine the less obvious facets of Avenger Blai Artigas's life. There are, frankly, too many cases where a seemingly open-and-shut case turned out to have been concealing some underlying but overwhelming tendency for me to have ever bothered counting them, but since this court requires citations, I'll pick, oh, in re Campbell. Now, my argument hinges on three basic considerations: 

Firstly, the man was a weirdo in Infernal Cheliax. He was a cleric of Asmodeus who, given the chance to punish his subordinates however he liked, played chess with them. Now, I'm not claiming--at this time--that chess is inherently Chaotic, there is a time and a place. Clerics of Asmodeus serving at the Worldwound are supposed to make their subordinates terrified of them! His were fond! 

Secondly, I assume everyone here has examined the contents of the decedent's mind? Does that look like an orderly, Lawful mind to you? Tropical storms aren't Lawful either.

Third and finally, the decedent is made of flesh, and from an overwhelming majority of demonically-attended trials, everyone knows that 'flesh' is chaotic evil."

"Thank you." If this psychopomp got annoyed about bad-faith arguments they'd have issues with more than just the demons. "Nirvana?"

WAS CHESS CHAOTIC EVIL ALL ALONG? SERIOUSLY?

What does that last part even mean. Is he in fact still made of flesh? Surely his body is in Cheliax somewhere awaiting burial if not already buried? Like in the afterlife there is usually a new body issued but does he have one yet -

All this time he believed Vicar Rey that his feelings did not matter and in retrospect that was probably stupid! He should have checked that with someone! He should have made a list of some kind, of all the things he believed because Asmodeans told him so and that he couldn't cross check with another source, and had it ready to read off to Feliu. That would have been such a good idea and he was so idiotic. What if he was supposed to have extremely specific emotional attitudes about things and the Acts just didn't dwell on it because it didn't fit in metrically!

"The decedent, Select Blai Artigas, consistently outperformed his culture of origin and the expectations others had of him. While he did, earlier in life, commit many evil acts, I have a handout for everyone graphing the number of evil acts performed by Select Artigas compared to the number of evil acts performed over the relevant lifespans of other Clerics of Asmodeus. While the alignment system is not graded on a local curve--Zon-Kuthon vs. Costel--consistently outperforming one's reference class can still be taken as a mitigating factor for evil acts, Zon-Kuthon vs. Lajariutza, as is coercion, in re Shen Qingqiu, and the consequences--for refusing to enter Asmodean seminary, or for refusing to perform any given evil act once in seminary clearly fall under the definition of coercion defined in Qingqiu. And while we certainly disagree with, well, all, of the Abyss's conclusions, their first point is, in fact, factually relevant, that he was a more merciful superior to his soldiers than was standard practice in Iomedaean Worldwound forts."

He sucks so much they have to compare him to KUTHITES to get him out of Hell? Wait, is that actually unfair, maybe he has bad information on Kuthites, maybe they're not worse than Asmodeans actually. It's not like he's met one. He has unfairly judged Kuthites and he will get to spend eternity regretting this in Hell but there won't be any Kuthites there to educate him on their religion because those go to Xovaikain. At least there isn't a creepy shadow here arguing to send him there. He has lots of cached cope to pull out about Hell should it prove necessary and absolutely fuckall about Xovaikain.

Wait, wasn't it a mistake to do the chess thing if it's not what the Iomedaeans did? Was he somehow doing something wrong by following the Lastwall handbook - or is "merciful" a bad thing? No, it's the dog saying it - in a completely unhelpfully androgynous voice - also who is Shen Qingqiu? Should he be recognizing all these names? Are they important??

"Thank you. Axis?"

"Let us turn first to the question of the petitioner's systemic alignment. Axis concurs with Hell and Heaven's arguments that the petitioner was straightforwardly Lawful. To touch briefly on the arguments to the contrary: firstly, the mere fact of being unusual is insufficient to prove that the petitioner is therefore Chaotic, in re Javert. Secondly, although it is true that the petitioner's mind frequently contemplates unlikely possibilities in a disorganized manner, the petitioner has adopted a number of Lawful habits to regulate this tendency, chief among them cultivation of obedience, which — as stated by the counsel from Hell and Heaven — is Lawful." This inevitable is not inclined to dignify the Abyss's third 'argument' with a response.

"We turn now to the question of the petitioner's moral alignment.

At this time, Axis neither concedes nor contests the claim that the Newton test is inapplicable. However, even if the Newton test is judged inapplicable, this fact alone would not make the petitioner Evil. The Newton test does not conclusively establish the petitioner's alignment one way or the other; rather, it establishes a framework by which the decedent's 'previous actions are not held against their present alignment.' Axis contends that, taking into account the defendant's actions over the course of his life, he ought most properly be considered Neutral.

During the petitioner's lifetime, he tortured and killed people in the service of Asmodeus. This was Evil — mitigated in part by the extenuating circumstances previously referenced by Nirvana, but nonetheless Evil. During the petitioner's lifetime, he served faithfully at the Worldwound, first as a cleric of Asmodeus and later as a cleric of Iomedae, protecting the world from demons. This was Good — mitigated in part by the fact that he spent most of this time acting in service to Asmodeus, but nonetheless Good. While this court has generally held that the determination of alignment 'cannot be reduced to mere balancing of consequences,' in re Bentham, in cases where petitioners are responsible for both significant Good and significant Evil, with neither being clearly more significant, it has commonly, though not consistently, rendered a judgment of Neutral, and it is Axis's position that such a judgment would be most appropriate in this case.

As an additional source of guidance, we may look to his dual empowerments as cleric. The decision of a god to select an individual as cleric is not 'intrinsically decisive in all possible circumstances,' in re Oluche, but it is nonetheless indicative of alignment, and in particular strongly indicative of non-opposed alignment, as per ... approximately every trial concerning a cleric, but if you want a standard cite try in re Minrah, 1184. At the time of the petitioner's death, he was a cleric of Iomedae, which is weakly indicative of both Law and Goodness and strongly indicative of non-Evil. He was previously a cleric of Asmodeus, renounced simultaneously with the renunciation of the vast majority of his clerics on Golarion, which is likewise weakly indicative of both Law and Evil and more strongly indicative of non-Goodness — though Axis acknowledges that this is consistent with the possibility of him attaining a Good alignment after his renunciation by Asmodeus."

"Thank you. If there are no procedural objections at this time, I now open the floor to further arguments."

The inevitable sounds so soothing that Blai spends a blissful several seconds completely failing to worry about anything it said at all, his mind as blank as a fresh sheet of paper, and then he instead starts worrying that there are going to be procedural objections and it will turn out that he blearily sold his soul for a glass of water one of the sleepless nights he spent in the Crucible that he can barely remember because of the sleeplessness and all of this is for nothing.

"Procedural objection: Hell is a cunt." 

The archon briefly contemplates moving for a preliminary ruling that the decedent is Lawful just to see if the demon goes away, but decides to preserve their Nirvanan colleague's potential to pull brilliant if somewhat disingenuous maneuvers out of the courtroom's absence of air. Blai being ruled Neutral Good would be an acceptable outcome, albeit very silly.

Is that procedural? Who is Hell supposed to send if - right, that's a demon, he should not read too much into things demons say.

"That question is irrelevant to the trial," the devil says smugly, raising a pin with "Maelstrom vs. Abyss -12,526" engraved on the head to the judge's attention and then lowering it.

(he brings one of these to every trial with a demon. It's really much faster than saying it every single time.)

fuck he really hopes the smugness is about getting to talk back to the demon and Blai's just set dressing

"I concur. All parties are directed to refrain from immaterial insults, and may be sanctioned if such behavior continues.

If there are no other procedural objections, the floor is now open."

he's gonna go to hell and it's gonna suuuuuuuck

"Point of order: Abyss v. Maelstrom -12,526 hinges on the demon being blatantly misbehaving. I have only been deliberately antagonizing Hell, which for a demon is downright saintlike."

"As much as this court appreciates the fact that you are meaningfully participating in the trial, my previous directive stands."

She flumps back into her seat, crossing her arms and pouting dramatically. 

What is even the point of a trial where she's not allowed to say whatever she wants even to Hell??? You'd think these people didn't care about attracting advocates who aren't just drooling dretches. 

The psychopomp didn't even tell the demon she couldn't insult Hell! She can insult Hell as long as she's doing it in ways that are material to the case!

That's still going to result in less total hell-insulting, and demons don't have to be reasonable.