Nod.

We can play it off as me needing my own space. That's not even slightly true, but if you're not going back there anyway it'll be easy to pretend.

I don't really mind telling them 'I was repeatedly raped and don't react well to people in my space even if they look like you because sometimes they did look like you', we don't have to lie.

Blink.

Okay.

They might very well mind that.

Yeah, I know. That might be a reason to lie. I think usually I'd want to not upset them.

Nod.

I think you being that up front about it might bother them as much as that it happened and is still affecting things. There are gentler ways of saying it, if it turns out to need to be said. Or of saying things close to that that they might guess from but they can still let themselves believe it wasn't that bad if they need to.

I think they'd probably want that. I don't care. We can do it your way.

I hadn't been assuming you'd be okay with them knowing. If you are... something like, you've had a lot of things happen that you didn't have control over, and you need that to not happen any more, and that means nobody should touch you unless you ask them to? That's not how you'd say it but it doesn't seem like the kind of thing you'd say, I'm imagining I'd be saying it for you.

Yeah, you keep assuming I secretly have preferences about things and so you are going to probably keep predicting me wrong. I can say, hmm, that I want to see them again when I'm well enough to be sure I'm really safe and to walk around.

She stops and stares at him.

Of course I'm going to get things wrong. I've known you for days. If I'm going to get things wrong I'd rather be wrong in ways that don't risk hurting you.

Assuming that I have only the goals I've told you I have will not hurt me.

'Don't want to be touched' wasn't on the list, but I'm pretty sure I guessed right about that one.

That's under 'don't want to be tortured'.

Sure. And most people would put 'don't want people to know they've been raped' under 'don't want to be tortured', too. Fewer, but it's a reasonable enough thing to assume.

Really? Because people will react badly? 

Because they don't want to deal with how people will react. Because that kind of thing is really private for most people. Because they want to pretend it didn't happen or just not deal with it in their day to day life and people knowing stops them from doing that. Lots of reasons. I had no way of knowing whether you would have one or not; safer to assume you did.

Okay. I probably should, my brothers being upset will interfere with killing the Enemy.

I mean, if you don't you don't, people vary a lot when it comes to that even when it's the only thing going on. I was being careful about it because if you wanted me not to know, or not to act like I knew, then once you knew I did we'd have a problem; I don't mind that you're okay with it. The question of how they'll react is a harder one, but something as ambiguous as me giving them the message I suggested is a good way to handle that; if they don't want to think about it at all they can assume I just meant regular torture, and if they do work it out it's still not obvious that I had your permission to even hint, if I do it right. They can come to whatever conclusion they're comfortable with, or at least whatever makes the most sense with what they know about you. And I can keep an eye on them and if they have trouble with it anyway I can talk to them more, or send them to you if that seems like a good idea.

They're my family. They won't want to be handled through you, not when I don't trust you and they can't.

Shrug. Okay.

But the lies are a good idea. I appreciate them. You're right, not caring about the outcome shouldn't mean not thinking strategically. I need my relationships with my brothers, I need to be managing them.

Managing them too closely might tip them off that something's not right too, keep in mind.

Not if I do it right. I can get cues from them about what I used to be like.

Nod. Okay. Be careful, though.

Yeah, I realize that. I need to be more careful. 

I'll be here if you want to talk about it.