I know, I can't, you're out. This isn't perfect but it's real. I can't make it go away.

Okay. Sigh. I don't mind if you come back.

She takes a few seconds to calm back down.

That is the worst idea right now. Tonight, maybe.

Whatever's convenient for you.

Sigh.

I have your lunch.

Thank you.

I'll teleport it. She does that. Do you need anything else?

No.

Okay. I'll be back for dinner.

Thank you.

When I went to the Ñolofinwëan camp, practically the first thing Findekáno said, before I'd told them anything at all, was that having two people who both need to be doing right by everyone we interact with living alone together was obviously going to do this. I don't want to care less - even if that fixes it it breaks everything else that matters - but we can probably figure something out, for when even the best thing isn't really good enough.

It's hard not to parse things you say that touch on the Enemy's favorite games to play with me without guessing when and how he's going to bring about that they happen. I panic when that happens. It's not you and I don't mind having you around.

Mmhmm. But seeing that happen upsets me and you do mind seeing me upset.

Yeah. I can get better at concealing the panic attacks so they don't upset you.

Sigh. That's not the kind of solution I was hoping for. I think... does it change anything if I point out that when I get upset like that it's on your behalf, same as getting angry? They aren't even all that different, it's jut that one's aggressive and the other's not.

It - not really, I'm still draining from the relationship between us -

Not really? If it was just the two of us still, yeah, that'd definitely be something to worry about, but it's not, anymore, my ability to cope with stuff isn't really a limited resource when I have people to be around.

It's not that I'm damaging you, it's that I'm damaging our relationship.

Again, you really aren't. I'm not going to stop wanting you to be okay or wanting to help with that, not from this kind of thing. If you were trying to upset me, that'd be different - and even then it'd take a lot to make me give up - but I know you weren't. It's not personal, it's just a thing that happened, I'm not going to hold it against you, that wouldn't even make sense.

That is not what I'm worried about.

...can you explain it, then? Because it really does seem that simple to me.

You find me aversive and unpleasant to be around, even if you do not consider me blameworthy for this. And not specific to this, but in general, over the last while, and eventually this results in us having a relationship that's based entirely off fulfilling what we respectively regard as duties, which you'll do tirelessly even while not liking me, and I am pretty sure I would once have considered that very bad.

Oh. Uh, hm. I'm not sure where you got that idea, I really don't feel that way? Not mostly. It's... I'm not trying to like you, right now? That doesn't matter for this and you have other things that are more important to be worrying about and there'll be time for it later, it hasn't been something I've been thinking about one way or the other at all. I don't dislike you; you're right that I'd be trying to do right by you as a tribemate even if I did but I don't; I'm avoiding you right now because I don't want to hurt you, not because I don't want to be there.

You're not going to hurt me until the torture starts. I might occasionally splinter a bit in anticipation but I'm working on it.

Sigh. We're using very different definitions of that word.