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Andi is up first again the next morning. She pads downstairs.
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aeskhyne
"I don't know. I'm just trying to—" He shakes his head and starts over. "When you let loose on me about what a total shit you thought I was being, it made me really not wanna tell you any different. So now I'm... seeing if I can not feel like that."
"I apologize for going off on you like that. It was against my better judgment and I will not repeat the mistake."
aeskhyne
"...okay," says Trouble. "I'm not sure I'm hearing that the way you mean it. Uh, thanks, I guess. But how much it helps kind of depends on what the mistake was."
"I made a mistake in - managing myself. However I was feeling and whatever I saw and however much of a heel I felt like for being prepared to give Ax unpalatable instructions it didn't make it reasonable to yell at you about it - I mean, how you're feeling about everything matters too. Whatever I saw."
aeskhyne
"Well - it sounded like it meant that you don't think any differently than you did, you just regret telling me about it. Without there being anything about my feelings mattering in there."
"I'm still not sure what else I was supposed to think, at the time," says Bella. "But then you went and apologized, so obviously it wasn't as bad as I had been imagining."
aeskhyne
"...you could say that, yeah," says Trouble, looking at the floor with a touch of strain in his voice.
aeskhyne
He looks up at her again, maybe a little wary, maybe a little sad.
"Truth is, you had one thing right," he says. "I didn't notice there was anything going on with Ax when I mouthed off and bolted. But it's not that there's some big thing where I don't care. I was just too deep in my own shit to figure out there was anything to see. I got it quick enough when you told me."
"Truth is, you had one thing right," he says. "I didn't notice there was anything going on with Ax when I mouthed off and bolted. But it's not that there's some big thing where I don't care. I was just too deep in my own shit to figure out there was anything to see. I got it quick enough when you told me."
aeskhyne
Trouble hugs his knees.
"I got scared," he says. "I got scared and ran away, and I wasn't really thinking about anything, I was just being scared. So that's all I really got out of it, is that I was scared and I got away and calmed down and then everything was fine. I mean, I remembered what we said and all, but that was just - surface, and I didn't like thinking about it much because nothing good ever comes of dwelling on shit that scares me. And I'm not saying I thought any of this through, exactly, I was just kind of... running on feelings. I do that."
He sighs.
"And then you told me about how Ax was feeling, and - well, it seemed really obvious then. But it never even crossed my mind before. I couldn't have pulled it out of thin air any more than I could pick the winning lottery number before they draw it. Maybe I would've rolled around to it in a few days, I don't know, but when you talked to me I was still pretty much in the scared place about the whole thing. I just don't, you know, usually get so anybody can tell I'm scared."
"I got scared," he says. "I got scared and ran away, and I wasn't really thinking about anything, I was just being scared. So that's all I really got out of it, is that I was scared and I got away and calmed down and then everything was fine. I mean, I remembered what we said and all, but that was just - surface, and I didn't like thinking about it much because nothing good ever comes of dwelling on shit that scares me. And I'm not saying I thought any of this through, exactly, I was just kind of... running on feelings. I do that."
He sighs.
"And then you told me about how Ax was feeling, and - well, it seemed really obvious then. But it never even crossed my mind before. I couldn't have pulled it out of thin air any more than I could pick the winning lottery number before they draw it. Maybe I would've rolled around to it in a few days, I don't know, but when you talked to me I was still pretty much in the scared place about the whole thing. I just don't, you know, usually get so anybody can tell I'm scared."
"So - when it looks like you're being a jerk I can probably call your attention to it less shoutily, huh?"
aeskhyne
"Yeah," he says. "And maybe it'll be that I don't care, I don't guarantee I'm gonna care about every single thing you think I should for the rest of forever, but maybe it'll be that I was too busy being wrecked about something to notice."
aeskhyne
"I know. That's kind of a thing with me. When I'm scared and living in my head like that, I'm not gonna let anybody know until I've got through it a little. Because it feels safer that way, you know?"