Well, she's already earned that correction. Might as well finish the latest round of boot camp and tie it off. That will buy her two more weeks.

And then that finished, and she realized she had barely prepared any report because then she'd have to think about leaving. So she stalled a few more days, not doing training.

She didn't mention to anyone else that her deadline was up and past.

Corl noticed she was distracted. He could tell when someone was wrestling with their conscience, and - when she'd come north, Estel was Lawful Neutral, strong enough to read visibly to aura sight. Having a conscience, rather than a sense of the law, was not something she did.

As of two months ago, shortly after the first serious wave of demons hit their new line, Corl had noticed Estel started to read Lawful Good. He'd mentioned it. She had been vaguely surprised, but dismissed it as probably just something that happens when you fight a lot of demons.

He didn't push, but he didn't believe it either. They were working closely together, basically constantly, and they were close enough that he could guess what she was thinking. She was wrestling with the conscience she wasn't used to having.

And he would bet his life that, on the deepest level of her mind, she wasn't hoping to win.

So he didn't ask. Or mention it, not even to their Ata.

She took a couple patrols to fight beside Ata a little more 'clear her head'.

There were a dozen babaus, and a wave of smaller demons, and they were frantically redeploying and shifting squads for two weeks, and she started more rounds of training to fill the holes those left because it was urgent...

And then she noticed the mornings getting early. And realized she'd been AWOL for two months and had stopped even thinking about making her report.

Later that day:

"Estel! Have dinner with me tonight? It's been a while since we made time to talk privately."

"Oh. Probably? If nothing distracts me, at least."

He clapped a hand on her shoulder.

"I'll look forward to it."

But then he went back to work.

As did she.

She didn't really like the idea of having a conversation. She didn't want... she didn't know what she wanted. But she desperately wanted help. So she showed up.

"You've been busy", he said, after they'd eaten a decent quantity.

"We all have, haven't we?"

"You more than you had any duty to. I - had guesses."

"Had?"

"Until I cast aura sight today. As of some time before noon, you don't read Lawful. Only Good."

"There's only one thing I can think of that would do that. And I don't think it would be easy for you. So - do you want my help?"

She suddenly sobbed. And then couldn't stop.

He crossed the distance and wrapped her in a (very large) hug.

"I'm not leaving," she finally managed, "My orders were to return beginning of Pharast, and I didn't, and I - made excuses - and today I realized that I was never going to, and-"

She lost the thread of her thoughts entirely.

"And that means that you lost the first pillar of your life."

"Not just my life. If I'm not Lawful - who am I?"

"A good person. A brave warrior, a cunning mage, a reliable friend. A orderly person, who believes in Law, and has kept all her oaths but one."

Her smile looked wounded. "A good person, or a Good one?"

"Both. From how you have talked to us about Law, I have always thought it was - not so different from Good. Civilization, society progressing, allowing wealth to build. What makes desperate farmers and hunters into comfortable crafters and merchants."

"I was always Neutral."

"You were," he allowed, "You have a harshness to you, perhaps. But when you had an opportunity to do Good in another way - to hear Ata tell it, you plead her case to your Lictor. And not just because she is very charming."

"I - told myself it was all her."

"I did too, once."

"My family will disown me. Breaks our century and more of history."

"Many Hellknights?"

"Most of them of the Pike, too. My uncles, great-aunt, great-great-grandfather and his sister... there's a row of armor in the family crypt. If I'm there at all, it will be as a shattered set of Pike Vicarius plate, left nameless."

"Unless your deeds here outweigh it."

"Well, they might forgive it. The Pike won't. Ever. I will be on a list of shame, maybe twenty names since its founding, and they mark each one as a failing of every Lictor and Paralictor personally."

"Is that worse?"

"Of cou-- Wait. Hmm."

He just waited.

"They are - were - my brothers. United in the cause, of our forefathers, fighting beside each other. That's - a big void. But."

"You don't sound daunted by it."

"No. I have you. And our Ata. And two hundred really very impressive warriors who've learned to hold a line against the horrors of the Abyss."

"A fine bunch to be united with in a new cause."

"Or the old one. From another angle."

"And one we're happy to be in ourselves. As are our recruits. Have you heard how they talk about you?"

"I've been too busy-"

"-No. I haven't."

"The warrior-witch of the south, who puts steel in their souls."

"So 'The Forge' does mean me, doesn't it?"

"You hadn't guessed?"

"I wasn't sure. Too busy to think." On purpose. Gods, has she been doing a lot of not-thinking.

"What will you do now?"

"Tell Ata. Figure out how I resign. Make longer-term plans..."

"...Live."

He smiles.

"Good priorities. And all things you've been putting off. I suggest you start by spending the night with her. She's noticed you avoiding her except in short bursts."

"Have I? I guess- Yes, I have. Ugh."

"Do you want more counsel?"

"Do I need to hear more?"

"Need? I think not. But I would say- remind her you love her. And don't let her 'ma'am' you tonight."

"We'd be much dumber without you, Corl."

"That's half of a shaman's job. And I am happy to help my dear friend."

She reached up to properly return his hug. "Likewise, whenever you want. And I'm glad I'll be staying here to give it."

But she didn't hold it long. She had a lover to reassure, and apologize to.

"Stel! I wasn't expecting you."

She just went up and kissed her, pulling her into a hug.

"Not that I'm complaining, ma'am, but what brought this on?"

"None of that 'ma'am' tonight, love. I don't want to be in charge of anything right now."

"Sure, but?"

"I'm staying. Against orders, probably, I'm two months overdue to get orders and - if they didn't say to come back, I'd just break them. I realized this morning I'd stopped pretending to myself I was going to get around to it. And Corl says my Law broke recently, probably then. I'm a Steel Exile for as long as you want me here."

"Oh, love..."

She hugged Estel tight.

"You talked with Corl about it?"

"Extensively. He - helped me get my head sorted out, over dinner. And pointed out I'd been neglecting you."

"Fortunately, making up for that sounds like just what I need."

"Does it? With no bossing me around at all?"

"I'm tired. Tired in the head. I need to plan a few things, soon. How I leave them cleanly, renounced and not hunted."

"But not tonight. Tonight, I don't want to be making more decisions."

"Well, I might be able to make a couple decisions. I am in charge of this clan, after all."

She spun Estel around and pushed her down onto the bed.

"And now I know I get to keep you."