Bimbo or Billionaire: Self-Actualization doesn't make you wear a tight bikini. You are fully clothed in street clothes. They want you to have your dignity, at least until you get mind-controlled to have the compulsion to flash everyone.

The host is still slimy, though, and the carpet is still a shade of pink that raises numerous questions about the sexual interests of heterosexual men. 

The host finishes his opening talk warming up the audience. "It's time to watch Evie become a strong flourishing, and empowered woman! You fucking perverts."

Evie smiles winningly at the audience. She is dressed in her best classy-but-sexy outfit, the outfit that says "I can make everyone envy you at a private dinner at the White House, then suck your brains out through your dick afterward."

She doesn't think she needs much physical improvement-- Mom had already spent hundreds of thousands of dollars of her various ex-husbands' money making her every man's physical ideal. But a fashion refresh can be good anyway! Evie always loves getting a makeover. 

Evie doesn't say anything because she knows that men like quiet women. 

"Let's catch up people who are here for the first time! Behind me are 24 boxes"-- the host gestures widely at a set of 24 hot pink makeup cases-- "each of which has within it a dollar sign or... a symbol of something else. If she picks cash, she goes one notch up the cash column. If she picks something else, then... I guess you people are going to have a good time since you're here... but I really don't get it. You could be specifically watching the show where women become hot, stupid, and unable to say no to sex, and then you decided to watch a different show, on purpose. Why."

"Fire the host!" yells an audience member. A very handsome and oddly murderous-looking man sitting next to him seems to be contemplating something a bit more permanent than firing the host. 

"Whenever she opens a bimbo box, you-- the live studio audience-- will get a choice of four options. You can vote, and whichever option wins, Evie will get from our proprietary Collar of Fate. In the event of a tie, both changes will be applied. And, yes, strategic voting is encouraged. As Bimbo or Billionaire: Self-Actualization is guaranteed self-actualizing, there is absolutely no reason for someone to want to stop playing, so they aren't allowed! Yes, she WILL be walking out of here either a Bimbo or a Billionaire."

Evie isn't sure why she'd want to chicken out part of the way through, anyway. The whole point is getting over her weird block about dating the sort of men she's supposed to date. Maybe if it was trying to get her to do something else...? But why would it? She was raised since she was born to be a trophy wife.

"I'd like to bring everyone's attention to our case girl, Chrissi! Chrissi was the unluckiest candidate in Bimbo or Billionaire? history, getting twelve straight bimbo boxes in a row, all of which were ties and most of which were threeway ties."

Chrissi, a blonde with a face that's both gorgeous and vapid, bounces in excitement about being on the stage.

Oh, wow, Chrissi has breasts. Her breasts bounce. Her breasts bounce in such an interesting and entrancing way. Evie really wants to stare at them. Evie is just going to keep staring at them, and maybe slip her hand under her skirt and--

(It has never occurred to Evie that her attraction to women might be useful for anything except facilitating threesomes.) 

The host sighs. "Can we make Evie immune to Chrissi, please?"

Evie blinks, notices her hand is touching her clit, yanks her hand out of her skirt, and flushes bright red. 

"You people have GOT to stop lying about your sexual orientations on the paperwork."

"But I am straight."

"You people have GOT to stop lying about your sexual orientations to yourselves, and also on the paperwork."

Chrissi's breasts are still extremely interesting but Evie is capable of having thoughts about anything else, such as her imminent ~~makeover~~~. 

"I like how much people like my boobs!" Chrissi says. "My boobs are very important."

"They are, dear," the host says. "Our contestant tonight is Evie MacQueen. Evie, how are you feeling about becoming"-- the host is so unhappy about his life-- "empowered and self-actualized?" 

"I'm looking forward to being the dream girl of the entire audience!" Evie chirps, and then blows a kiss. 

"That's what I like to hear! So without any further ado, let's open the first box."

"15."

"Aaaaand it's Hair! As usual, you have two sets of choices here-- color and style."

"The options for hair color are Redhead, Brunette, Blonde, and Blue. We are pleased to announce that choosing Blue will give her a mild compulsion to make blue her theme color, and also make her able to spin poi."

What. What's poi. Was she supposed to know what poi is. Was that on a flashcard she forgot. 

men like blue hair????

"Our first hair style option is Straight to the Butt. Like it sounds, Straight to the Butt gives her long, straight hair. It never gets tangled, and she will never have to brush it. It's always perfectly soft."

That's so convenient. Want.

"Our second hair style option is Curly Girl, which gives her luscious curls."

Evie is only a little familiar with the Dark Arts of Curly Hair Care, but she's always excited to learn new things about hair!

"Our third hair style option is Prehensile. This hair is both attractive and useful-- she will be able to move it on its own like another set of limbs. Perfect for bondage, self-defense, or when you just have too many things to carry home from shopping."

Wow, she gets superpowers???? That sounds cool. 

"Our fourth option is Perfect Pixie. Evie will have a cute little pixie cut."

Obviously, they throw in one terrible option in every set of four, because they're out of ideas. Men don't like pixie cuts.

she would look so cute in an adorable little pixie cut, it's so stylish It doesn't matter. She's not at Appealing To Straight Women And Gay Men Or Billionaire? When she has a billion dollars, then she can dress however she wants. 

"And we have our first tie of the evening, bimbos and gentlemen! Evie's hair color is Blue, and her style is both Prehensile and Perfect Pixie."

What. 

And then the pink fog rises up from the Collar of Fate and for a few moments Evie feels nothing but peace and warmth and good good good. 

A tendril of her hair perks up and waves, like it's saying hi.

Awww. Cute. It moves on its own. 

She reaches up. Her hair is... short?

There is a certain kind of look Evie's mom disparagingly refers to as man repellent. Brightly colored, thick eyeliner. A dark berry or black lip. Bold prints, especially when they clash, like florals with stripes. Palazzo pants. Balloon sleeves. Anything that involves sequins, glitter, or knitwear. 

Evie-- doesn't love all man repellent, obviously, she has taste-- but there are many outfits she has sighed over in Vogue or at Paris Fashion Week that she knows could never go on her body.

Fashion is art. But Evie doesn't, ever, get to be art, because men don't like art, men like bodycon dresses and a smoky eye.  

You can't get much more man repellent than a pixie. 

She doesn't know what the voters are thinking. It's some kind of humiliation ritual, maybe. They really like humiliating bimbos-- think of that poor woman in season 4 who turned into a cow-- and she shouldn't have expected anything different, really. Self-actualization was just an advertisement. 

She tries to smile at the audience-- if she pleases them more, maybe they'll vote for her to be pretty and pleasing-- but instead her hair covers her face, like she's a middle schooler pretending to be emo because she doesn't want to admit she's anxious. She tries to brush it aside, but it stays put. 

Is her hair just going to be expressing her feelings now??? To everyone??? To men???

"So, Evie, how are you feeling?"

"Thank you for the hairstyle! It's very stylish. I think the contrast will look great if you turn the rest of my body super feminine!" Evie says.

(Her hair droops slightly.)

"You're already feminine enough for me!" the host says. "You're so pretty, I can't imagine what Body or Face would even have to do for you. Pick a box, any box."

"1."

"Ah, bad luck, Evie. It's Lips."

Ugh. Lips is the worst. Evie gets tasteful fillers done every six months, but she'd never go so big that you could tell she had it done. The voters show no such restraint. And even if you somehow manage to escape with normal human lips, Lips is by far the most likely of the physical changes to give you a weird compulsion that makes life very difficult. 

"Our first option is Suction Power. Evie will have very strong jaw muscles. She can suck like a vacuum cleaner and she will literally never get tired. Whenever she puts anything other than food in her mouth-- her fingers, a pen, a straw, a tit, or of course a cock-- Evie will automatically suck on it. No matter how embarrassed she is, she won't be able to stop herself!"

For example. Ugh.

"Our second option is Cherry Lip Gloss. Evie's lips will perpetually be slightly shiny, like she's just put on lip gloss. Her lips will also taste like cherry lip gloss whenever you kiss her."

That's fine. Mildly convenient, even. 

"Our third option is Color Changer. Evie will, at will, be able to change the color of her lips, mimicking the results of applying lipstick. Because she's changing the color of her actual lips, it won't smear or stain, doesn't have to dry, and will never leave a tell-tale mark on your collar. She may change her lips to have any design or pattern she chooses, including ones that would be very difficult to do on actual lips."

Evie would go so far as to say that that was moderately convenient. 

"And finally we have Moisturized. Evie will never have dry or chapped lips again. Her lips will always stay perfectly soft and slightly wet. She will also always produce as much saliva as she needs, no matter how little she's drunk recently. Her blowjobs will be incredibly wet and sloppy."

Evie is happy to give good blowjobs if it doesn't come with a compulsion to suck pens!

"And the winner is.......... Color Changer!"

And a warm pink fuzz fills Evie's mind, soft and gentle and lovely. 

When she emerges, she has a new sense. She knows, without looking, that her lips are their usual light pink, and she knows that she can change it in any color or pattern she likes, as simply as wiggling her fingers. 

Further experimentation shouldn't happen in front of an audience of men she wants to like her. So she changes her lips to be the same color as her present lipstick-- a bright red that's very flattering to her complexion. (She has to resist the urge to make them blue.)

"Congrats, Evie! Ready for your next change?"

"Always! I want to be the dream girl of every man in the audience." Especially men with cash. "21."

"Money! You have one penny."

"Didn't we discontinue the penny?"

"Actually, the president revived it because men need to be able to pay humiliatingly small amounts of money to bimbos."

Charming. Evie keeps her face blank, but a lock of her hair lifts up and makes a back-and-forth 'no' gesture.

...IS HER HAIR GOING TO BE DOING THIS ALL THE TIME???? Not okay. Evie's feelings are a private matter for only Evie and her hair can't go about telling them to men people. 

"Sixteen."

"Money! Ten cents."

"Eight."

"And that's a Bimbo Box! Evie, you're now going to experience changes to your Voice. Our first option is Emotional. With Emotional, Evie will no longer be able to lie about or conceal her feelings, except by shutting up. Her voice will quaver with fear, lilt with joy, hitch with sadness, and moan and whimper with sexual arousal. Especially that last one, once she has a Compulsion or two under her belt!"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

IS THE HAIR NOT BAD ENOUGH

(her hair droops, sadly)

"Our second option is Sultry Tones. Evie's voice will be low, breathy, and slow. Her words will melt into each other, almost hypnotically. If you want her to sound like the femme fatale in a film noir, this is the choice for you."

Her hair perks up.

Sultry Tones is great! Lots of trophy wives have sultry tones. That's practically a normal voice. 

"Our third option is Playfully Cute. Evie's voice will be simply adorable-- high-pitched, enthusiastic, and neotenous. She will squeal when happy and pout when sad, and her voice will waver when she's uncertain or scared. A perfect pairing for oversized hoodies, cat ears, or just bouncing up and down when excited."

That's fine too. A lot of men like a woman who acts like a little girl, and with rejuve tech Evie's not going to have to find out whether they like it from women who are 45.

Probably it will even go with the hair. (The hair is pleased about this one.) 

"Our fourth option is Wink Wink Nudge Nudge. Every simple sentence Evie says-- from 'the bathroom's over there' to 'can I have fries with that?' to 'slavery was the primary cause of the American Civil War'-- will sound like a come-on or sexual innuendo. People won't be able to say exactly what she's implying, but they'll know unshakably that Things were Implied, and they may act accordingly."

UGH. You can't go to dinner at the White House if every time you make a comment on the Ambassador from Sweden it sounds like you want to get in his pants. Do Not Want.

(The hair droops again.)

"And the winner is-- Emotional."

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FU-- oooooooooh.

"So, Evie, how are you feeling?"

"I'm great! I love my new voice," Evie tries to say calmly. But her voice quavers with anxiety, and then she notices how anxious she sounds and in addition to the anxiety she sounds embarrassed and humiliated, and-- attractive women are never embarrassed. Attractive women are never humiliated. Attractive women are in control of every situation, and they let their boyfriends believe that they're in control.

Evie's not going to be in control of anything ever again. 

Her hair covers her eyes so she can't see the audience, and she tries to will her hair back where it belongs but it keeps going back to cover her eyes. 

She went on this stupid, stupid, STUPID game show to be pleasing, and-- and they don't want her to be pleasing-- they don't want her to make them happy so she can have everything she wants-- they want her to have short hair and to show her feelings so they can know exactly how much they're ruining her life because, because that's what she wants--

Evie breaks into tears. 

"Really, that's more of a Bimbo or Billionaire?: Regular Edition response."

"I want-- I want to open boxes until I am a brainless perky bimbo who is always happy--" and she sounds weak and vulnerable and scared and she hates this and this has to be what the audience wants, why would they be making the decisions they're making if this isn't what they want, and Evie-- doesn't know how to exist except by making people happy, making men and Mom happy, and if this is what they want she might as well give it to them--

Her hair tries ineffectually to wipe her tears. Then it curls up and pats her soothingly on the head. 

Weirdly, the patting does make her feel a bit better. 

"Well, that's what we aim for here on Bimbo or Billionaire: Self-Actualization," the host says.

"Five," Evie sniffs.

"Aaand it's Body! Bad luck, Evie! Or good luck if you're trying to speedrun being a brainless bimbo!" 

Evie is already really ridiculously good-looking-- thanks, diet drugs and never eating cake-- so she doesn't know what kind of changes Bimbo or Billionaire will make. Probably horrible ones. 

"Our first option is Stamina. Evie will have the endurance of an Olympic marathoner. Whether she wants to swim the English Channel, climb Mount Everest, stay out all night dancing, or simply fuck a thousand men in a single day, she can do any physical activity as long as she likes without ever getting tired or losing form."

Wait. That's... nice? That's actually kind of nice?

"Our second option is Bend and Twist. Evie will have a nearly superhuman level of flexibility. She will be able to bend her spine so that her head touches her butt, to slide her legs over her shoulders with her chest flat on the ground, to touch her foot to her head in standing split, and to actually have a good time while doing double vaginal.. This is ideal if you want to try every pose in the Kama Sutra."

They're both nice?????

(Evie's hair has perked up to the point that it's almost vertical.)

"Our third option is Catlike Grace. Where Bend and Twist mostly handles static poses, Catlike Grace is about agility and grace in movement. Whether she wants to dance ballet, do a triple backflip, wall run through Paris, or show off her moves on the stripper pole, Catlike Grace makes Evie beautiful, skilled, and hot as hell."

????!!!!?!???!?!?!??!?!

"Our fourth option is Leave a Mark. Leave a Mark makes Evie bruise and mark incredibly easily. Whether you're sucking on her neck, paddling that fine ass, giving the naughty girl the flogging she deserves, tying her to the bed, making her suck you while kneeling on gravel, or even just fucking her with unusual enthusiasm, Evie will mark up very easily. The morning after, you'll have a visual sign of all the fun you had. The marks fade quickly, so you can always see the marks you yourself left. We are pleased to announce that Version 2.4 of Leave a Mark means she only marks easily when sexually aroused, preventing the problem in earlier versions where bimbos instead bore signs of how often they ran into coffee tables or bumped their heads on tree branches." 

hot

Bad. Very bad. How is she supposed to seduce one man if she has been marred with bruises from the last guy she slept with? 

incredibly hot, get her so wet she doesn't care if she's beautiful

"It is astonishing... it is almost unprecedented... we have a FOUR! WAY! TIE!"

Cheers go up from the stands. People hoot and stomp their feet. 

The fog rolls over Evie's mind and when it recedes...

She thinks, at first, nothing is different. Then she notices that the small ache in her feet from standing has disappeared. 

She remembers the floor routines from the last Unenhanced Olympics. Could she...?

She starts to run and then her hands hit the ground and she backflips once, twice and then suddenly she's in the air and she's still spinning and the only thing it feels like is flying. 

(Her hair, cooperatively, sticks to her head, well out of her eyes.)

She stops. She takes a breath, out of habit, even though she doesn't need to. Then she runs again and jumps and flips over in midair and gravity has no control of her anymore. 

Evie cartwheels five times out of sheer exuberance. 

The crowd's cheering and hooting and stomping gets even louder, although it's unclear if this is because they're happy for her, impressed by her gymnastics ability, or turned on by the fact that every time she flips her skirt flies up around her hips and you can see her skimpy lacy designer underwear. 

"That's what we like to see!" the host says. 

Not out of breath-- never out of breath, ever again-- Evie lands, bows, and does a split for the hell of it. It's as comfortable as sitting crosslegged on the floor. 

Her hair forms tiny fists and pumps the air.

"Twenty-three." Her voice doesn't hide how excited and thrilled and joyful she is. She doesn't want it to. 

"Aw, bad luck, Evie, that's another Bimbo Box. Breasts."

So either this is going to be completely humiliating or she's going to get badass superpowers. 

50/50.

Evie can't even really hate Prehensile and Emotional if she gets to feel like she can fly. 

"Our first option is Pillowy. Pillowy will make her breasts soft and warm and squeezable and extremely comfortable. Past reviews of Pillowy breasts include 'oh my god, they make breasts like that????', 'it is like touching a cloud', and 'I want to smoosh my face into it and never leave.' Bimbos with Pillowy breasts do tend to grab them and play with them all the time, but this is actually not our fault! They are just such amazing stim toys that it is impossible to resist the urge to grope them."

Oh yeah? Try her. Evie has been on a diet since she was six years old. She can resist any physical pleasure if it would be embarrassing or make men like her less.

Altogether, Evie approves. This is the sort of thing she was expecting from Bimbo or Billionaire? instead of nonconsensual pixie cuts.  

"Our second option is Bouncy. Bouncy takes advantage of the latest advances in biomaterial chemistry to make video game jiggle physics into reality. Her breasts will move at least twice as fast and as dramatically as you would expect. Even the slightest twitch of her shoulders will send a shockwave across her chest. As a bonus, we'll throw in strengthened back and core muscles and our patented PerkyTech (TM) technology, so that Evie can skip the bra without the slightest pain or inconvenience. I'd say you'd be literally unable to take your eyes off them, but that honor goes to..."

That's also the kind of thing she was expecting, although Evie will wear a bra regardless. She's a classy bimbo like that. 

"...our third option, Hypnoboobs! Made famous by our host, Chrissi, Hypnoboobs hypnotize anyone attracted to women who looks at them. When gazing at the hypnoboobs, you will be relaxed, horny, happy, and very suggestible, especially if the suggestion is that you should spend more time staring at, touching, kissing, or fucking the hypnoboobs."

.................honestly that sounds incredibly useful. Maybe instead of being a trophy wife she can flash men and get them to give her thousands of dollars. It's sort of like being a golddigger, but more distributed! When she went to the quant trading club at Yale to find a boyfriend they were constantly talking about the importance of diversification. 

"Our fourth option is Valley of Pleasure, back by popular demand! With Valley of Pleasure, every part of her breasts is as sensitive as her cunt. Having them played with feels like getting fingered and giving a titfuck feels like getting fucked. And of course each of her nipples is like another clitoris on her chest."

That's stupid. Why would she need that? That's what faking orgasms is for.

(Her hair perks up curiously.)

"Aaaaand the winner is... Valley of Pleasure!"

What?! That one's so stupid. They should have more faith in Evie's acting ability. 

The fog arises and washes over her and when it retreats she feels... exactly the same because she is too dignified to touch her breasts in public, thank you. 

"Whaddaya say, Evie, give us a squeeze?"

"No. 23."

"Money! You have a dollar."

19 and 13 get her to a whole $100, which would buy a nice meal out, if Evie were the sort of person who paid for her own meals out. And then she says "Three."

"Aw, bad luck, Evie, it's Face."

Obviously it's Face. She only has one left.

"Our first option for Face is Tattoos. Tattoos will allow Evie to change the color of her skin at will, allowing her to transfer any design from the page to her skin. Whether she wants a cute butterfly, a flower, the name of Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now, or simply the word SLUT, Tattoos allows her to transform her body into a work of art."

"You may object that Tattoos is really more of a Body than a Face, and you would be right, but the designers didn't get much sleep the night they were planning this. Besides, she can also put the tattoos on her face."

Absolutely not. Trashy sluts get tattoos. Classy golddiggers like Evie don't mar their skin with other people's art. If you get a tattoo, people might think they can have sex with you for free. 

it would be so good to be made out of art

Her hair perks up, like a traitor. 

"Our second option for Face is No Makeup. With No Makeup, Evie will be completely unable to wear makeup of any kind. If she so much as applies mascara, the itch will be unbearable, making her want to claw her face off unless she immediately rinses it off. With No Makeup, Evie will go out into the world barefaced. You won't have to make her go swimming to find out what you're going to get in the morning."

aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

The purpose of this show is to torture and humiliate her specifically.

(Her hair hides her eyes.)

"Our third option for face is Fashion Plate. With Fashion Plate, Evie will follow the latest styles on the runways in Milan, Paris, New York, and London. She will be compelled to make sure her look is up-to-the-minute and follows all of the latest trends-- if she isn't setting them. Whether the current fad is a bold eye, a matte complexion, soft blush, or even face gems, Evie will look like she's always stepped out of Vogue."

excellent, she will be compelled by mind control to do the coolest makeup

Bad! Men like classic looks and do NOT like face gems! Seriously, it's like no one on this show knows what they're supposed to be doing. 

"Our fourth option for face is Pretty in Blue. Going along with her blue complexion, Pretty in Blue requires Evie's makeup looks to always have a significant blue component. Whether it's a blue lip, blue eyeliner, aqua eyeshadow, or simply drawing a blue star on her face, Pretty in Blue will make sure she always fits with her theme color."

It... could be worse. Evie guesses. With her blue hair, natural beauty is sort of out the window regardless. Besides, being Extremely Blue is very appealing. 

"Aaaaaaand the winner is-- Tattoos!"

The pink fog washes over Evie, and then retreats, and suddenly she has a new capability, in the same unremarkable way that she can lift her pinky finger-- to copy any picture she wants onto any part of her body. 

This is the least bad option, probably.

"And we're going to take our first break, gentlemen, bimbos, and dykes!" the host calls. "And I mean that last not as an insulting word for non-bimbos but simply as an acknowledgement of what demographic is interested in competent, successful women with breasts the size of their heads."

Evie heads to the green room, where she washes off her makeup and then uses Tattoos for its only rational purpose: making all her makeup permanent and non-smearable. 

There's a knock on the door.

"Come in."

"Hello! It's Chrissi!" Chrissi says, because she always forgets people's names. She never forgets a cock, though, and that's what's really important.

Chrissi's boobs sway in the most interesting way that Evie can imagine. She has never experienced a subject-- not chemistry, not makeup, not even the September issue of Vogue-- that interests her as much as Chrissi's boobs interest her at this very moment. They keep bouncing, is the thing. They keep bouncing, and moving, and every time Chrissi wiggles they bounce even more, and--

Evie remembers something about hypnoboobs. Probably what's happening is that she's getting hypnotized by Chrissi's hypnoboobs. The host had said something about it only happening to-- people who were attracted to women-- but that's ridiculous, of course Evie isn't-- even straight girls and gay men would want to stare at Chrissi's breasts which are, Evie emphasizes, the most interesting thing that has ever happened to her. 

Oh! Chrissi knows what to do when this happens! Chrissi is very smart. 

Oh god are those nipples. 

"You are supposed to come over here and suck on them," Chrissi explains. This new girl doesn't seem to be remotely as smart as Chrissi is!

"I don't have sex with-- well, with anyone except for-- money, I guess-- and you don't have any and-- there's no one here to watch us and-- wow. They look so soft, Chrissi."

"Yes," Chrissi says patiently, "because you are supposed to touch them." And people think Chrissi is the bimbo!

"Maybe-- maybe just for a little bit-- gosh. They are even softer than they look."

"You can play with them as long as you want. You can even play with them when the show starts back up probably."

The only thing Evie wants to do, ever, in her life, ever again, is touch Chrissi's boobs. 

They move even more when she squeezes them.

Well! Good news about the only thing Chrissi wants to do, ever, in her life, ever again. 

--Never mind, Chrissi is bored now. She starts kissing Evie. 

!!!!!

Even in the best possible circumstances-- with sexually experienced, sexually satisfied partners-- Chrissi tends to be... distracting. Many a crew member of Bimbo or Billionaire? has found himself coming for the twelfth time down Chrissi's throat and thus missing the meeting where he got fired.

Evie is not in the best possible circumstances. Evie has, in fact, never once in her life kissed someone she was attracted to. 

Evie is rapidly having a number of new experiences and discoveries. Her brain would be melted into a gently sloshing liquid of incoherent wanting, even without the help of Chrissi's hypnoboobs. With the hypnoboobs, well, she can't do much except kiss back and touch Chrissi's chest and make desperate hungry noises.  

That's okay. Chrissi is SO smart and SO good at things and has SUCH good ideas. Like that Evie should be naked. 

...that sounds like it involves not kissing. And not touching Chrissi's tits. 

Temporarily! But then you get more orgasms afterward. This is called Orgasm Cost and Chrissi learned this from a previous contestant. 

(Chrissi has a tendency to assume that all long words starting with O are 'orgasm,' since that's the important one anyway.)

Evie would be really scandalized about how stupid the woman she's making out with is, and how embarrassing that is for her, except that instead Evie is discovering that when she's shirtless and is kissing a woman who is also shirtless their breasts press together, and again this would be an extremely interesting and important discovery even without the hypnoboobs but the hypnoboobs sure are stacking a deck that really doesn't need to be stacked. 

Chrissi is stacked!

It is probably good for Chrissi that she's the only one who knows how to read the narration, because that is the kind of thought that makes people think she's stupid instead of superfantasticamazeballsingly smart. 

Evie is entirely willing to be convinced of the claim that Chrissi is superfantasticamazeballsingly smart. Chrissi is presently sucking on Evie's neck and her hand is stroking Evie's hip and her breasts (!!!) are pressed against Evie's and Evie is petting ineffectually at Chrissi's back because all of this has gotten Evie too overwhelmed for goal-directed behavior. As far as Evie is concerned, all of Chrissi's ideas are superfantasticamazeballs and she is superfantasticamazeballsingly smart for thinking of them. 

That's so true. And yet most people are so confused about it!

Mmmmmmmm. Not Evie though.

Evie has vaguely formed the intention that more kissing should happen, but actually kissing Chrissi requires a lot of motor planning and executive function and so far Evie is mostly devoting herself to producing every single vowel contained within the IPA alphabet. 

Chrissi didn't know that alphabets could drink beer

Does Evie want to learn about Chrissi's most superfantasticamazeballsingly brilliant idea?

...yes.

Well. If Chrissi goes between Evie's legs right here, she can touch Evie's clit. 

Evie is aware of the concept of masturbation. It is kind of hard to exist in the present-day world without knowing that women masturbate, and indeed that some women have accommodations under the ADA that permit them a ten-minute masturbation break per hour on the job and a private cubicle in which to do it. 

Evie just never really thought that masturbation would be relevant to her. Her mind sort of... slid off the topic. Her sexuality was a tool for her own use, and an object for the consumption of others. It wasn't that she ever thought, in as many words, "I need to not figure out what kind of sex I would actually like, so I won't have any difficult preferences that would inconvenience my mom or my future husband." Thinking that would be creepy, which would be difficult and inconvenience her mom and her future husband. She simply never considered the matter in precise enough detail to notice either that she might have preferences or that she wasn't introspecting on them.

Evie wasn't a virgin. But her boyfriends had typically felt that two minutes of prodding the correct vicinity discharged their boyfriendly duties, and Evie's back-arching sheet-clutching moaning faked orgasms certainly didn't enlighten them otherwise. 

In short, Evie was actually having her clit touched for the first time, and by Chrissi who not only had put in her 10,000 hours of clit-touching practice but had no fewer than three relevant Bimbo or Billionaire modifications.

This time, two minutes was absolutely sufficient, although it turns out that Evie's real orgasms are perfectly still and perfectly silent. 

Evie is, if anything, less capable of motor planning or executive function than she was previously. But she is very motivated. It is possible-- just possible-- that if she doesn't make it clear that Chrissi should absolutely not stop doing what she's doing, and should absolutely not change anything about what she's doing, then Chrissi might stop and do something else, which would be the worst tragedy Evie had ever experienced, even worse than getting dumped for a stripper.

"More," she says, although because her lips and tongue aren't very coordinated it comes out more like "mmmrrrr." Then, in case she hadn't made her point clearly enough, she elaborates, "more, more, more", and by the third time had even managed to have both vowels and consonants in something approximating the right order. 

Chrissi has been holding off on touching Evie's breasts. Chrissi finds that, if someone's breasts have been modified to be as sensitive as their pussy, then touching their breasts first leads to unsatisfying results! You have to touch someone's clit first, before you show them that their nipples are now as sensitive as their cllits. 

Evie said, "more more more," or rather she said "mmmmrrrr ooooooooorrrrr mmmmmmuuuuuuuuh", but Chrissi assumes that all words said in her vicinity mean "I want to have sex with Chrissi" and she's usually right. So Chrissi figures it's time to touch Evie's breasts!

Evie's back arches off the floor. 

The thing about pussies is that, all things considered, they have a relatively small surface area. True, there have been some experiments with bimbos to enable them to fit a dildo the size of a thigh in there, which naturally increases the surface area of the vulva. But, ultimately, while it's very innervated, it's not that large. 

Evie's breasts are only a little bit larger than average, but they are still much, much bigger than her pussy. So when Chrissi starts touching her breasts, there are many, many more nerves that can be stimulated at once. 

Evie is overwhelmed by the intensity of the sensation. She can't control any of her muscles, she can't think, she definitely can't talk, it feels like her whole world has been reduced to the two hands on her breasts, stroking the skin and squeezing them roughly and tracing circles around the areola, all her muscles are clenched and she doesn't know whether she's coming over and over again or just having one really long orgasm and she really isn't capable of coherent enough thought to even have an opinion on the subject, it feels so fucking good--

Chrissi giggles. "I love new bimbos! Watch this!" And she puts Evie's hand on her own breast and moves her other hand back to Evie's clit--

And then a giant robot phases through the ceiling. 

A head wearing goggles pops out of the roof. 

"Hello! I am famed supervillain the Yiling Patriarch, and I am looking to kidnap a damsel in distress!"

Oooh! Cock! 

...Chrissi is stymied by the fact that only his head is visible. Should she be sucking the robot's dick? 

noooooooooo why did the fingering stop :( 

"You should come out of the robot so I can suck your dick!" Chrissi says, and bounces for emphasis. 

"Unfortunately, these goggles protect against mind control." 

THEY MAKE GOGGLES THAT PROTECT AGAINST CHRISSI'S BOOBS? WHY WOULD ANYONE DO A MEAN THING LIKE THAT?

"So what's going to happen now is that I'm going to grab both of you with my robot hands, and then take you to my airship, and then you will stay in my airship in comfort for -- 90% confidence interval-- one to twenty-three hours, at which point the Light-Bearing Lord will show up and set you free." 

"Why?"

"I'm flirting with the Light-Bearing Lord."

"You could try showing him your boobs."

"I don't have boobs."

That's true. How do people other than Chrissi flirt? Chrissi realizes she doesn't know because she always shows them her tits before they have a chance of doing any flirting. 

She finally settles on, "you could take off your shirt." 

"Oh, yeah, getting my shirt sexily ripped during the fighting is part of the plan."

:O Evie can touch her OWN clit. Chrissi isn't the ONLY person in the WHOLE world who is capable of touching clits.

Evie is noisily appreciating this discovery.

"Do you guys mind being kidnapped? I feel bad about kidnapping people if they object to being kidnapped, like, I had to let the last guy out early because he was late to picking up his kids from daycare. So I figured I would kidnap some people from the morally dubious game show since probably they would like some time to think about whether they want to keep being on the morally dubious game show, and maybe to be let out on a different street if the answer is 'no.'"

"Is there cock to suck while being kidnapped?"

"Well, you can't suck my cock. I am trying to seduce the Light-Bearing Lord."

Chrissi looks blank.

"...so... I can't have sex with other people... because I'm trying to get him to want to have sex with me..."

"Why?"

"Well, look, if someone's married and not in an open relationship or poly, would you have sex with them?"

"Ye... es...?"

Wei Wuxian is defeated. 

"Well. I don't want you to suck my cock. And I can't consent for my henchman. But I give you 95% probability that he will be okay with you sucking his cock."

"Okay! You can kidnap us!"

Orgasms are SO MUCH FUN. Someone should have told Evie how much fun orgasms were!

...they totally did do that. 

Evie should have believed them when they told her how fun orgasms are!

And then Evie is picked up by a giant robot hand! This is very weird! She had only sort of processed the existence of the robot because it hadn't seemed very important.

What if. Vibrating robot. 

This thought has never occurred to Wei Wuxian. 

>:I

Now that she's in the giant robot's hands, Evie is not staring at Chrissi's boobs, which means that the boob hypnosis is fading away, which means that she is suddenly processing that she is being kidnapped (!!!) by a giant robot (!!!) and a really weird guy who seems really confused by the concept of kidnapping in that he asked for Chrissi's permission to kidnap them (!!!). 

It is rude to swear but Evie is going "what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the f" repeatedly inside her head.

Wei Wuxian pops back inside and the robot takes off.

What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the f

Wheeeeee!!!

Chrissi is pretty sure that the wind as they fly through the air is making her boobs bounce enticingly.

Wow... it really is... if Evie cranes her head just right she can continue to stare at Chrissi's tits, which is so much more important than whatever is happening with the "robots."

The robot docks into an airship.

This is mostly relevant because now that the robot is docked it's much harder to stare at Chrissi's breasts. 

Wei Wuxian climbs out of the robot and presses a button. Platforms emerge from the side walls at a height which makes it easy to get out of the robot's hands. 

"Chrissi, I'm going to need you to put on this wrist manacle which turns off your mind control."

Wow, people want such confusing things. Chrissi submits to the manacle because she really likes it when men tie her up. 

Evie blinks. The past... hour? few hours?... are a confusing haze of arousal, and if Evie thinks about it too hard her clit starts twinging and then she starts remembering exactly how good it feels to touch her clit and that seems like a very undignified thing to do in front of a kidnapper.

Chrissi has mind-control boobs, didn't she? Evie was a victim of Chrissi's mind-control boobs and it means nothing and she doesn't need to reconsider any of her choices no matter how much she wants to keep squeezing and striking Chrissi's tits. Mind control makes sex better. Everyone knows this. It doesn't mean that Evie likes girls or that her previous sex was unsatisfying or anything. 

even though she does want to keep staring at Chrissi's chest which is only somewhat less hypnotizing when it isn't, you know, literally hypnotizing

Chrissi is so pretty

she wants to kiss Chrissi

she really, really wants to kiss Chrissi

she wants Chrissi's fingers on her

This is an embarrassing response to being kidnapped and Evie will have none of it. She refocuses on what's actually happening. 

Wei Wuxian takes off his goggles. "Excellent, excellent. Well, the Light-Bearing Lord shall be here in a few hours, and in the meantime feel free to think through whether you want to continue to be on the horrifying game show."

Chrissi's manacles have a long enough chain that she can basically move her hands however she wants. She grabs her breasts and bounces them. 

Wei Wuxian is indifferent to her charms. 

????!?!?!?!?!!

Chrissi bounces them harder. 

He wanders over to the corner of the room and starts doing something incomprehensible with levers and dials and flashing lights. 

Why isn't it working?????

Maybe Chrissi should turn her boobs off and then turn them back on again. She hears that fixes a lot of things. But she doesn't have a shirt to turn them off with. 

Maybe if she plays with her nipples she'll get really horny, which is turning her boobs on even more, and thus makes her present state 'off.' Chrissi likes this plan because she gets to play with her nipples, and whenever she plays with her nipples someone always puts their mouth on them in short order.

She does one more experimental bounce just to be on teh safe side. 

"You do understand that that manacle turns off your mind control," Wei Wuxian says from the corner of the room. 

"Why does that mean my boobs don't hypnotize people?"

"I have figured out the downside of kidnapping bimbos."

Chrissi shakes her head and sits next to Evie. "What is the point of kidnapping me if you aren't going to rape me?"

Evie is not going to dignify that with a response. 

(She has been spending the past few minutes staring at Chrissi's boobs, which must have some residual hypnosis the manacles didn't take away or something because it is really hard to stop looking at them.)

In an attempt to distract herself, Evie says, "so, Chrissi, what do you do all day?"

"I suck cock, and eat pussy, and kiss people, and touch people's tits, and have my tits touched, and get fingered and licked, and get fucked in both my pussy and my ass, and have lots of orgasms! Also I have to open boxes sometimes because I am a Celebrity on a Game Show. I am very good at opening boxes."

Evie isn't really sure what she expected. 

"Do you like that?"

"Yes! I like orgasms a lot. Do you want to have an orgasm?"

yes

Evie casts around for another topic. "Where do you live?"

"Whichever producer or crew member wants to use me for the night takes me home!"

Blink. Blink.

"You don't have a house????"

"I can't have a house, silly, I don't have any money!"

"Why... don't you have any money."

"Because they pay me in getting to suck as many cocks as I want! Which is way better than money!"

Oh dear God. 

"Chrissi... you know that you could get to suck as many cocks as you want anyway. You're very attractive and men are easy."

Chrissi noticed an important sentence in there!

"You're also very attractive! Do you want to have sex?"

Evie is BUSY being UPSET by the PLIGHT of the EXPLOITED WORKER

"Legally, they have to pay you money."

"But I'm just a silly girl! Girls don't need money. Girls need to fuck and suck and be pretty."

What is wrong with the creators of this show. 

"You are doing valuable work, Chrissi, as the person who opens the boxes." Actually she's pretty bad at box-opening but she does have really great tits which is clearly what they're hiring for anyway. "You're irreplaceable at your job because they couldn't find someone as pretty and charming as you. And-- being a girl or a bimbo doesn't change that. Everyone has a right to their own money so they can make their own decisions about the course of their own life. If you're doing work, you should be paid a fair day's wage." 

"I don't know what I would do with money."

"There are bimbo trusts, Chrissi. You can get a trustworthy person from the government to help you manage your money in case you get sick or hurt or need help. And they can give you a card so you can buy your own drinks and bikinis and high heels, if you want them."

"I do like high heels and bikinis..."

"You might be a silly girl, but you're not stupid."

"I am too stupid!" Chrissi giggles. "Maybe you are becoming a bimbo."

"You might be stupid, but you don't deserve for people to mistreat you. If all you want to do is fuck and suck and be pretty, that's fine, but it should be your choice, and you should have money so you'll be okay if you ever decide you want to do something else." Evie reconsiders given Chrissi's evident motivational structure. "--Or if you decide that you want to fuck and suck and be pretty and never have to open boxes."

"So I'm supposed to have my own money, and not just be pretty and fuck and suck men until they buy me things?"

"Yes!!!"

"But... before you got on the show... you wanted to be pretty and fuck and suck men until they bought you things."

Evie suddenly has a feeling a little bit like standing at the edge of a cliff the moment before your foot slips, and a little bit like needing to vomit.

"That's different."

Oh. That makes sense! Chrissi is often confused about things. 

"Why?"

"It-- it--" 

Evie feels so nauseous and dizzy that she isn't even staring at Chrissi's chest anymore. 

"It just is."

Oh no! Evie is sad. Chrissi is going to make her feel better! Chrissi doesn't like it when people are sad.

Chrissi is going to... play with her boobs. 

Unfortunately, this isn't the sort of problem that can be solved by Chrissi playing with her boobs. 

What if... she plays with her boobs... AND fingers herself. 

...that cheers Evie up more than it has any right to. 

YAY sex now!!!

Oh, wait, Chrissi had a Very Important Question. 

"Does the government know about the stock market?"

"...yes, the government knows about the stock market."

"That's good because I am-- at-tun-ed to the me-ta-caus-al-i-t-y that gov-erns our u-ni-verse"-- WHY does the universe keep making Chrissi say hard words!-- "so I can help with the stock market! If the government is taking care of my money for me I want to help them with the stock market."

WHAT.

"...how would you help the government with the stock market."

"Sometimes when I come really hard I can see what stocks will go up tomorrow!"

ejgerwpgkeg;lrjge;aljgf'e;ajge;luge a;lfkelgejlgjaelgjal;ejgl;aeja;lgj

Evie briefly considers the hypothesis that Chrissi is lying. The producers might think it was funny, for some reason, to trick Chrissi into thinking that she has psychic visions of future stock prices. 

...either way they're douchebags.

"Chrissi, if you can tell what stocks are going to go up, you would make a lot of money. The producers are making a lot of money off you."

"Money that I give the-- bust?"

"The trust, and the thing about money is that you can use it to buy high heels."

:O

"As many high heels as you want."

:OOOOOOO

When Evie was at Yale, she attended the Yale Student Quantitative Finance Organization, to meet men. She didn't actually meet any boyfriends there, but she kept going for reasons that she didn't like thinking about. She knew not to do well at the trading games-- men don't like it when you're better than them, really at all, but certainly in their areas of expertise-- but sometimes she got caught up in it and couldn't help herself. She wasn't even, really, competitive. She just-- could see the gamestate, and the paths to victory, and-- it was so tempting to reach out and take them and find out what would happen, because when she daydreamed about it she always won, but other people could respond and do things she never predicted--

It isn’t, Evie hastens to assure herself, that she wants to be a hedge fund trader. She’ll meet a nice man over the course of her trading and then give the office to him, like a dowry. But if Chrissi isn’t deceiving herself—and she is obviously deceiving herself, even given how weird the world has gotten psychic powers aren’t real—Evie can use her far more intelligently than the Bimbo or Billionaire hosts, it’d be such a waste to let her keep earning money for misogynistic douchebags who don’t even give any of it to her—Evie’s future husband would be so disappointed if Evie let her go—Evie doesn’t know why she’s even thinking about this, if it wasn’t for the desperate want that went through her—

(Her hair is so perky and cheerful that it is standing up in every direction like someone had taken a balloon and rubbed it firmly on her head for at least two hours.) 

Wow that’s a lot of very confusing thoughts. Chrissi stopped following them part of the way through and started masturbating. 

At the moment that her mind whites out, when she ascends through all the jhanas and hits further jhanas the sages’ minds weren’t empty enough to find, when her consciousness in some sense stops existing and in some sense merges with the entire cosmos, when she sees the entire structure of reality as sex and as story and the sense in which these are both the same thing, Chrissi enunciates, “Bimbex closes at $353.65.”

Well, that’s a test.

This is stupid.

Evie takes out her phone, opens the Robinhood account she has so she can talk about trading with men and for no other reason, checks Bimbex’s current price, and buys twelve shares.

Oooh! That was a good one! Chrissi loves it when there’s a good one.

She rubs her clit in circles like a good girl through all the aftershocks, and then starts getting horny again. Yay! She loves it when that happens.

Evie looks up from her phone and her ruminations and discovers Chrissi, fully naked, moaning while she touches herself.

“No one is sucking on my tits. You should suck on one of my tits and play with my other tit."

Evie’s clit throbs as she remembers exactly what it feels like to be touched, and her hair reaches towards Chrissi. But Evie tears her eyes away. She is not going to fuck a bimbo on the floor of an airship where she has been kidnapped.

Instead she looks around the airship for something to distract her. She couldn’t hope that this airship has Vogue.

It has… a bookshelf?

Evie looks at the bookshelf.  

Introduction to Algorithms. The Feynman Lectures on Physics. A Mathematician's Apology. The Visual Display of Quantitative Information. Structure and Interpretation of Computer Programs. Introduction to Elementary Particles. Principles of Quantum Mechanics. Statistical Physics of Fields. Introduction to Computational Chemistry. Course of Theoretical Physics...

No... fiction?

Nope.

Oh COME ON her kidnapper has to at least have science fiction. That is a Liu Cixin bookshelf. A Ted Chiang bookshelf. 

Oh yeah there's actually a copy of the Three Body Problem right here. 

Is it in Chinese?

It is in Chinese. 

Wow! Evie is progressing as a bimbo! She's learning to read the little gray boxes too!

In disgust, Evie picks up a copy of the Feynman Lectures on Physics, confident that she is too stupid to understand it and will give up shortly and have to come up with some other entertainment. Probably having sex with Chrissi. 

If Chrissi bends she can put her own mouth on her tit but it's a bit awkward and contorted and she doesn't think that she looks very pretty doing it, so she mostly doesn't. But no one has put their mouths on her tit so what else can a girl do?

Evie reads a page, gets a little lost, rereads the page, rips out a blank page from Chinese Three Body Problem, and starts drawing a diagram.  

A man enters the room. Someone has designed him a terrifying uniform where the key motifs are black, spikes, skulls, fire, fiery black skulls on spikes, etc., but it has not managed to make him look any less like a kind and helpful person who will give you directions to the library, carry your groceries to the car if you're overloaded, or help you find your lost five-year-old. 

"Hello!" the man says. "I'm the Ghost General. I was wondering if you needed anything. Some water, a snack, painkillers... for dinner we're going to have dumplings! I made the wrappers from scratch myself."

"I need to suck your cock."

The Ghost General makes a small surprised noise like "eep!"

"I need to suck your cock," Chrissi clarifies. Then she decides that that is probably not very helpful. "I have an-- ad-dict-tion which means that I will go through with-draw-al if I don't suck enough cocks. That means my whole body hurts and I feel really warm and I start sweating and my hands shake and I can't say or do anything except beg for cock!"

"Um, I guess-- if it's a kind of-- hospitality-- I do want to be a good host--" The Ghost General really seemed like he was on more comfortable ground taking about the dumplings.

"I'm REALLY good at sucking cock. I'll make you feel so good. How long has it been since you got your cock sucked?"

The Ghost General mumbles something. 

Those are very unhelpful boxes! Chrissi already knows he was mumbling, she can hear him. 

"You need to come," Chrissi says, because in her experience it's always true, "and you can fuck my throat and I'll make you feel so good! I like making people feel good."

Evie turns a page in the book. She adds another line to her diagram, pauses, stares at it, erases the whole diagram, and redraws it.  

Her hair is trying to pet the book affectionately but it can't reach. Whenever she isn't writing, it holds the pencil.  

The Ghost General mumbles something else. His eyes flick down to Chrissi's chest without his approval.  

Ohhh! Whenever people do that, they want to touch her tits! And Chrissi has to let everyone who wants to touch her tits touch her tits, it's The Rules.

Chrissi takes his hands firmly by the wrists and places them on her tits. 

Um!!! Okay!!!! This is a thing that can happen, he guesses!!!!

He probably ought to take his hands away from her breasts but she's very beautiful, and very topless, and her breasts are so soft and lovely to touch, and she is looking at him like she wants nothing else in the world but for him to caress her, and without his consent his hands start to stroke and squeeze and rub circles around her nipples. 

"Do you like them?"

"Y-- yes. I-- I like them very much."

"You can suck on them!" Chrissi says. She finds that men often forget obvious facts like this. Who is the bimbo now?

Not the woman over here enthusiastically reading about physics!

Eep!

"Um, I'm not sure that-- I don't--" Sorry, extremely attractive women don't just go up to you and tell you you can put your mouth on their breasts??? That is literally never a thing that happens??? Maybe it happens to famous actors or basketball players or something but it definitely doesn't happen to the Ghost General, a man so socially anxious that he once apologized to a mugger. 

Oooh this requires Cleverness. 

Chrissi is so good at Cleverness.

"Why don't we lie down on this couch together and I can pet your hair and you can touch my breasts and if you want something else to happen it will happen and if you don't it won't?"

This is somewhat less unprecedented as a proposal.

"Okay."

Chrissi displays herself invitingly on the couch. 

The Ghost General puts his head on her shoulder, taking care not to jostle her with any of his decorative spikes. 

--oh she is so soft. How is she so soft and warm and cozy and comfortable and soft, her flesh is plush like a pillow and the skin itself feels like the petal of a flower.

"You are so comfy," he marvels. 

"They made me be very snuggleable! On the show!"

The exact amount of give her shoulder has is perfect and he had not previously been aware he had preferences on this subject.

"They did a good job."

"It's silly," Chrissi pronounces, "no one ever wants to use me for snuggling when they can use me for other things that give them orgasms."