"Did Tomonori finally put out?"

"Nah, I slept with Jing Yi from Chang'an. And it was phenomenal. He sucked my brains out through my dick. It was way better than I imagined and as you all know I have an extremely vivid imagination."

Jiang Cheng is turning purple.

"You all need to get laid immediately. This is my recommendation to you, as the most experienced person at this table."

"What did you do?"

"Well, the first session was pretty vanilla, but by the second I negotiated with him and it turned out we had some common interests-- did you know biting is great? Pained noises are so much better when you're making someone make them yourself. Also bruises. The bruises are so much prettier when you're responsible for them."

HELLO???? THIS IS NOT NIE HUAISANG'S VIRGINITY LOSS. NIE HUAISANG'S VIRGINITY LOSS WAS THREE DAYS AGO WHEN HE TOUCHED JIANG CHENG'S DICK WHILE DRUNK. THERE WAS A HAND, AND A DICK, AND THEREFORE IT WAS SEX. THIS WAS A SPECIAL MOMENT THEY SHARED TOGETHER FOR NEARLY TWENTY SECONDS BEFORE IT WAS CRUELLY INTERRUPTED BY JIANG CHENG'S ASSHOLE MARTIAL BROTHER. WAS THIS NOT THE PEAK EROTIC EXPERIENCE OF NIE HUAISANG'S LIFE SO FAR????

Well, probably not, because Jiang Cheng is five foot nothing and has a face like pizza. Unlike Jing Yi, who is PRETTY and apparently BRUISED. Jiang Cheng wants to be bruised. By... someone. He's not going to be specific. 

It's not that he's, like, invested in having taken Nie Huaisang's virginity. It's just that, you know, manual sex is technically sex, therefore Nie Huaisang was not a virgin, therefore he can't go around claiming to have lost his virginity this afternoon. It's about accuracy. 

"...and he gave me a footrub. He has amazing hands, you know..."

JIANG CHENG CAN HAVE AMAZING HANDS.

"...it's just really different from a dildo, right? Because with a dildo you're always in control..."

There has been ENOUGH OF THIS. 

Jiang Cheng stands up and MARCHES over to Chang'an enclave's table.

Why is there someone from Shanghai stomping over to this table, and why does he have the sinking feeling that it's because of him. "Do you need anything?"

"You slept with Nie Huaisang!"

"Do we need to have this conversation right here?"

"Yes! Maybe! I don't know!"

"That sounds like a 'no, not actually.'"

Chu Chu was very focused on safely acquiring food, that she only half caught the shouting.

And now Jiang Cheng from Intro To Shop is yelling at Jing Yi for... reasons?

She's just going to focus on her bread rolls. They are much more easy to understand and way less awkward.

"You slept with him and you didn't even give him anything for it!"

"...he didn't ask for anything? I did offer, of course, I'm not a cad." (Offer to ravish him, which he totally did, thankyouverymuch.)

"Well, he's an idiot!"

"That's not my problem."

It's not smart to get stuck outside of your room during curfew, but it seems like... sharing your bed would be the nice thing to do in the circumstances? Regardless of any trades that get made?

"It could be your problem if I make it your problem!"

"Are you threatening me?" He aims his tone for 'deeply boggled.' Why would this random freshman ever want to threaten him? (His actual opinion is more along the lines of "could Shanghai have one problem with me per month. Please.")

"Maybe!!!"

"I'm going to take your maybes as 'on second thought, no.' Let me know if I'm wrong about that."

"You should have been kind to him!!"

...what? "Has he said anything that implied I wasn't...?"

"Well! You didn't give him anything!"

"I wasn't going to chase him down the hallway with snack tokens. I offered, he declined."

"He deserves someone who is going to be sweet to him!"

"--I honestly have no clue if he's said anything, or you're just mad on his behalf. Would it just be simpler if he and I talked?"

WHY IS ANYBODY BEING 'SWEET' TO ANYBODY?

"Uh! Mostly I am mad on his behalf! He has low standards!"

"--I could take this as a set up to say that I am actually quite high quality, but equally I could take it as a set up to point out that you are quite aggressively insulting your clavemate while trying to defend him."

"Fuck you!"

"If you particularly want to!"

??????

Jiang Cheng sputters for twenty seconds and then says "Maybe I will!"

"What time would be most convenient for you?"

Oh. Well, this is a CHALLENGE. He can't back down now.

"I have a ton of homework this week but I can do next weekend!" he says angrily.

"I think I can pencil you in then. Anything you want to barter?" This is going down as the funny story of how he managed to get someone from angry to 'in his bed in the next week or so' in the space of two minutes, and it will be great.

...this situation has gotten kind of out of his control and he's not really sure what's gone wrong here but like hell is he going to back down.

"You should be paying me! I'm from Shanghai!"

"Should I? You were the one who wanted me."

Why is bartering happening?

What is being bartered?

She is so, so not qualified for this.

"You propositioned me!!! Not the other way around!!!"

"Hey, which one of us said 'fuck you'? I was just helping with the logistics."

...

???

Do--

Do they mean--?

No, that is anatomically improbable. This has to be some Scholomance slang she has not picked up on.

"It was a metaphor!!!! If you did your lit homework instead of fucking all the time you would know what a metaphor is!!!"

"Oh, do explain what a metaphor is. I have done precisely zero homework in my life and I can only think about one thing."

"It's when you say a thing but you don't actually mean that thing! You mean some other thing!"

"I have never encountered that concept before; thank you for enlightening me "

He is being made fun of and he hates it and every time he says something he winds up either getting more made fun of or accidentally agreeing to lose his virginity and this interaction is not at all going as planned. Not that he had a plan, he mostly had incoherent anger, which is maybe the problem.

He returns to firmer footing by saying, "you should be the best goddamn fuckbuddy to Nie Huaisang in the entire world or I'm going to string you up by your heels and drop you in the graduation hall."

"I was planning to."

Look, there are definitely non-zero freshmen who could take him, depending on their affinity or if they could get the drop on him. He kind of doubts this one's ability to though.

"With presents! And compliments! And-- and romantic poetry!"

"Well I better do the homework in my lit classes then."

He's being made fun of again.

"Yes! You better!"

"I'll make sure of it."

"Good!" 

"--hello, a-Cheng, do I need to intervene in this situation."

"He's just ensuring I appreciate your company properly."

"I feel appreciated."

"He should read you poetry!!" Jiang Cheng insists.

"I mean if he wants to I won't object."

"I will keep this in mind."

"I'll see you this weekend!!!" Jiang Cheng says in a futile attempt to regain control of the situation, and then stomps off.

"Oh, we're on again?" He turns to Nie Huaisang. "Unless you object, of course."

"Oh, I think it would be good for him. Maybe he'll be less angry if he's getting his dick sucked."

"We can hope."

?????????