"Of course."

Masozi's heart is pounding for stupid reasons and he can't even slightly tell what Lan Xichen is thinking right now. "Okay. Thank you. ...Um, not here, can I talk to you - somewhere private -?" It suddenly feels like this request is deeply unreasonable and Lan Xichen is going to be frustrated with him about it. Masozi is fairly sure he thought this through and was pretty convinced that Lan Xichen wouldn't mind, he's not sure why he's having feelings about the opposite being true all of a sudden?? 

"Of course. Is private corner of library enough or do you want to go to my room?"

If they go to a corner of the library then Masozi is going to have to be scanning for mals the whole time and it'll be distracting and even harder to think and say the right things like he planned. "Um, if you - don't mind, could we go to your room?" 

"Yes. Option is always available to anyone in enclave."

Maybe Lan Xichen is trying to remind Masozi that he's part of the enclave, again, like he still thinks Masozi might forget otherwise. 

He is now going to go back to not saying anything until they can actually get to Lan Xichen's room. Instead of talking, he's trying to remember what the calming-spell felt like, and then make his mind do the same thing on its own. It sort of works? 

Lan Xichen sits down and looks at Masozi. 

He and Meng Yao had done concert work, which Lan Xichen loves-- one of his many favorite things about Meng Yao is how well their affinities work together, how many chances there are for concert work and how it leads to results far better than either of them could have done on their own. Concert spellcasting is the most intimate thing he can imagine doing with someone, especially if the target is himself.

The result is that he's aware, of course, that he had a crush on Masozi and if he stopped taking the potion in the morning he would continue to have a crush on Masozi, and he intellectually understands that Masozi has many crushable traits, but in practice Masozi is about as appealing as an object of sexual interest as Lan Xichen's brothers.

"What do you have to talk to me about?"

Masozi takes a deep breath. 

"I need to tell you some information that might be important for you to know since you're in charge of the enclave and want to know everyone's feelings and it's about a feeling I have and -" why was that five times as many words as he'd meant to say there, "- and it's that I think I maybe have a crush on you and I wasn't sure but I asked Wei Wuxian for advice and he thought I probably did," Masozi is going to quietly leave out the part where Wei Wuxian declared that Lan Xichen had a crush on him in return and this was maybe the cause of the mysterious baffling conversation before, "and if this is a bad idea for Shanghai I can probably decide to stop but I thought you should know first before I decide anything?" 

Masozi says all of this almost without pausing to breathe. 

WOW he is really glad he is ON MIND CONTROL RIGHT NOW because this would be much harder to think about with raging hormones.

"Thank you for telling me. It's very normal for you to have crush."

Masozi can't even slightly tell from Lan Xichen's face what he's thinking or feeling about this! He really wishes he could tell! 

His palms feel damp and sticky for some reason. Masozi puts them flat on his pants. "Yeah, Wei Wuxian said that too. He was really nice and helpful when I asked him about it." Shrug. "It's...confusing? But lots of things are confusing." 

"I think it's normal to get crush on someone... unattainable? In normal school, you get crush on teacher. Here, there are no teachers, so you get crush on upperclassman."

....This is a perfectly reasonable thing for Lan Xichen to say, probably, and it makes no sense that it hurts? 

"I - don't know why that'd be normal?" he says blankly. "It doesn't seem like it'd help, I don't see why that would be a thing evolution would've made people's brains do? I - think I have a crush because you saved my life and helped me learn Mandarin and you read me that story about the rabbit and told me about your mother and you stayed with me all evening when I was sick, and you keep.- doing things for me that are more...nice...than anyone's ever done for me before..." 

He's aware, in an abstract sort of way, that this is the sort of sentence which would normally make him start kissing Masozi and fuck what Seoul thinks.

"That makes sense. I-- hope you find someone else who is as nice to you."

He doesn't WANT to find someone else he wants Lan Xichen to cuddle him Masozi forces himself to step on this feeling. Lan Xichen is being very reasonable and responsible about this, he's putting Shanghai first, and it - makes a lot of sense, that what's best for Shanghai doesn't include Lan Xichen going out with Masozi, and it's probably not, actually, very much information on whether or not Lan Xichen likes him as a person or whether he would be happy about Masozi having a crush on him, in some other world where the other things didn't matter. 

His throat feels very tight for some reason. 

"Yeah. I hope so. I - so should I decide to try to stop having a crush on you. ...I'm not going to stop - thinking that you're very good - but I, I can probably figure out how to not want to play with your hair.... If if would be better for Shanghai if I didn't. I dunno." 

"I don't know about Shanghai. I think you decide what is best for you?"

Why does that hurt too. Masozi doesn't understand. 

"I - don't know how to tell what's best for me," he says dully. "I think it depends if you - want me to not hug you and stuff anymore if it was for crush reasons. I - guess I'd be sad about wanting to hug you if you didn't want me to." 

He still can't figure out Lan Xichen's facial expression at ALL and this is bothering him quite a lot. 

"You can hug me. You can hug me right now if you want."

"I...want to but I can't tell if you're mad at me and not wanting me to notice it?" 

"I'm not mad at you. I'm worried I'm going to hurt you and I want to make sure you're okay. --It seems very cruel to get mad at someone for liking you too much."

That somehow manages to be even more confusing! He's glad Lan Xichen isn't mad but he doesn't know what he means. 

...Masozi decides, after a moment, that he's going to be able to say words much better if he's hugging Lan Xichen. He moves over and does this. 

"I - don't think it'd be your fault, either, if I have feelings and then maybe something makes me sad. You didn't make me have feelings. I don't think that could be you hurting me." 

He allows more of his affection to escape onto his face.

"Even if it's not my fault it can be something I don't want to have happen? I don't ever want you to be hurt, Masozi."

Masozi is increasingly unsure that he could manage to stop having a crush on Lan Xichen, if Lan Xichen is going to keep saying things like that to him! 

He doesn't say this, but it kind of shows on his face, and then he snuggles up closer and puts his head on Lan Xichen's shoulder. Hopefully that's allowed. 

It is allowed!

"I don't mind if you have crush on me," he says, "and I'm happy to hug you when you need it."

"M'glad." Masozi considers, and decides against, arguing with Lan Xichen about what it means to need hugs versus just wanting them. Hugs aren't like food. He had zero hugs for six months and very few before that and he was fine. 

"And I think with time crush on me goes away and you find someone else to have crush on?"

The fact that Lan Xichen keeps bringing this up is sort of making Masozi feel like actually he does mind Masozi having a crush! It's definitely not making it any less confusing to figure out what's going on in this conversation. 

"Mmm," he says. 

He is going to give Masozi a hug and be quiet unless Masozi asks something.

Masozi is really tempted to just ask outright if Lan Xichen has a crush on him like Wei Wuxian thought, but his tongue feels stuck to the roof of his mouth when he tries, and he's...not sure he actually wants to know the answer. 

After a minute or two of silence, he tugs away. "I - thank you. That's all I'd wanted to tell you, I think." 

"All right. Good luck."

"Thank you," Masozi says, a bit stiffly. "I....think I want to go study in my room instead of the reading room now." He's having the odd sense that he isn't going to be able to figure out what his feelings are until he's not being observed. 

"It-- look like something is bothering you and you seem confused?"

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah??? Can he just flee to his room anyway before he has to try to answer that question? 

He shouldn't do that. Lan Xichen...probably isn't mad right now, although something about his manner is setting Masozi's instincts on edge, but just running away would be rude and he might get mad at that point even if he isn't yet. 

He takes a deep breath. "I...feel like you're telling me it's okay and normal but then you - seem to not be happy talking about it? I don't know. And you keep saying it's okay but then you say that it'll probably go away and I'll have a crush on someone else, and...I guess that kind of makes me feel like you're not actually okay with it, and like - maybe you would be mad except you think it'd be bad to hurt me so you're not letting yourself? And I don't - like it - if you're pretending not to have feelings to me, even if it's because you don't want me to get hurt. It - makes it too hard to understand how things actually work." 

"I'm-- worried that if I explain everything involved you don't understand it, maybe because I am bad at explaining to someone who doesn't have the-- background-- I have, and you are scared and confused. I promise I'm not angry at you and if I am I tell you. --In six months I explain maybe?"

Masozi doesn't really understand, but maybe at this point he should just try to get used to not-understanding things, and in six months all the pieces will start fitting into place? 

"Okay," he says quietly. He doesn't look happy about it but he's less clearly distressed, now. 

"I'm sorry. If I can explain it to you I do?"

"Okay," Masozi says again, quietly. "I - are there things I can learn about by reading books, or asking Nie Huaisang or Wei Wuxian or other people, so that I would - know the background that I don't know right now?" 

"I think Nie Huaisang and Wei Wuxian are good people to ask." Or, like, better than him at any rate.

"Mmm. Thank you." 

Masozi still feels like this conversation didn't go as planned? This is maybe a stupid way to feel, though, since he's....not sure that he really had a plan for it in the first place. And also he wants Lan Xichen to be the one who can make smart strategic decisions, and probably from his angle it doesn't seem strategic to either go out with Masozi OR to tell him that he's not allowed to have crush feelings, and so here they are.... 

This helps with the part where his chest aches, but for some reason it doesn't really make him feel any less confused. 

He takes a deep breath. "I'm....really glad that - you're a person who exists?" Now that he's said it out loud, it sounds kind of ridiculous as a sentence? ....He's still pretty sure it's the best way he can think of to say the feeling that he has using words, though. 

There's the conspicuous absence of the desire to kiss him.

"I'm really glad you're a person who exists too."