He opens the door a crack, and then sees that it's one of the Shanghai freshmen. Unthreatening, then. "Hello?"

"Hello! Can I talk to you?"

"Sure?"

He comes inside. "It turns out I have really fundamentally miscalculated some important things about sex in this school!"

"--I cannot suggest that my advice on that is any good." See: the weird problems he has run into. That this kid knows about. On account of The Scene.

"Okay so puberty hit me like a ton of bricks and, like, it also hit Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng so I'm like 'how hard can it be to get laid in this school? We're all fourteen and extremely horny' but it turns out that people! Go through puberty! At different rates!"

"Ah, yep, that's a thing." (Freshly inducted Jing Yi: very confused why someone would have sex, even for strategic reasons. Jing Yi a month after field day: very, very aware why someone would.)  "If you wait a year, more people'll be caught up."

"Except I also have a boyfriend! Whom I'm very attracted to! Who doesn't even like kissing yet! And so I am dying!"

"--Okay, yeah, that's more of a problem. Not sure you're going to have to wait that long, in any case." (He is not going to hit the newbie freshmen with the dying jokes. Because that would be cruel.)

"And! I don't know how up to date you are with Shanghai gossip--"

"Mmmmaybe not as much as I should be--"

"Oh! Well! I'm the second most useless Shanghai enclaver-- Wen Ning beat me because he's monolingual-- so I'm definitely going to die! And I am very concerned! That unless some people hit puberty very quickly! I am going to DIE A VIRGIN!" This last is wailed and punctuated by flopping on Jing Yi's bed.

...usually it takes more to get people into his bed. Usually they don't just... throw themselves on it. "Hey, you're in an enclave-- in Shanghai-- your chances are not that bad."

"Not if no one in my grade has hit puberty yet! I want the people I'm in bed with to actually like it! --Also I'm saving my resources to keep myself alive!"

"It's not even field day yet. You've got a couple of months, easy." Though depending on how useless this kid is and in what ways, and the crazy start this year has got off to, maybe... not that many months.

"Orrrr you could take pity on me and ravish me into next week."

He is not laughing at him, he is laughing at the incredible zero to sixty-ness of this whole situation. But then again he is the cause of the zero to sixty-ness, so. "I could technically do that, yes."

"I asked around! You're one of the easiest guys in the Scholomance, you're from Chang'an enclave so there's no worries about me having to trade something for it, and you're apparently great at sex. Therefore, you should take my virginity."

He sits down on the bed-- a polite distance from the surprise occupant-- puts his head in his hands and tries not to cackle at the absurdity of this. "So, yes, that is all true, but--"  There should be a but here. Some clever rebuttal, other than 'that's not how it works!'

It is time to deploy The Lip Wibble. "Am I not pretty enough?"

That is an impressively honed lip wiggle. "You're very cute-- usually there is more than, like, two minutes of conversation?" (Assuming 'translating an argument you were in' does not count as conversation). "And also no point by point reasoning about why someone should fuck you."

"Well, sure, but that's if you want a relationship. I don't want a relationship, I want you to fuck me."

"And you plan to use logical induction to achieve that?"

"I can also try drawing pictures, touching your arm a lot while giving you compliments, taking all my clothes off, or selling you my booze and then having you look at porn with me."

"You are going to have to work on your pitch there." Except for the fact he is being unwillingly charmed by it.

"If you fuck me you can look at my porn for free? --Not keep it though, I still have to make money."

"--the contents of the pitch is fine, the phrasing is the problem. 'I will give you one unit of arm touching compliments in return for one unit of ravishing.'"

"Oh, should I skip ahead to the arm touching compliments?" He touches Jing Yi's arm. "You have a very nice smile."

Jing Yi is trying very hard not completely lose it, and is only barely succeeding. "I'd say it was a bit late now, but then you'd move your hand."

"I could move it to your dick. Or maybe be more subtle and move it to your thigh."

"Technically these are options available to you!" How has he met someone more forward than himself? "...if you're related to Jin Zixun, you legally have to tell me."

"We would be legally permitted to get married, if one of us was a girl and I was an idiot."

"If you're lying, you are going to be the one explaining it Jin Zixun." Which makes it sound like he has agreed. Which he hasn't. Definitely. Just a communication glitch. Happens to everyone.

"Deal." Jiang Cheng is more likely to yell at him about this anyway.

... Okay, so he has accidentally agreed to this. ... There are definitely worse things he's accidentally agreed to. And Huaisang is cute, and no one should leave the Scholomance un-deflowered. He holds a hand our to shake. "Deal."

"Is that how you seal fucking deals? I'm pretty sure you seal it with a kiss."

"And here I thought you were planning to be unromantic and mercenary about it "

"Oh, I'm not mercenary. If I were being mercenary I would be trying to get you to pay me."

"You are robbing yourself of selling your virginity on the open market."

"Do you think I would get a good price for it?"

"Mmm, you're definitely pretty enough, but the price doesn't spike till close to graduation time, so if you're not willing to wait, it might not be worth it. -- I thought about it, but didn't bother."

"Wait, why would you want a virgin at graduation? Aren't there enough already?"

"Well, if you had somehow failed to have sex before you were about to face the hall-- demand spikes in general. And for some reason, some of these people are picky about their partners being virgins? I don't get it, but it's a thing."

"I guess there's something good about showing your partner the wide world of sexuality. You specifically should be very convinced of the merits of this."

More stifled laughter. He is so incredibly forward and determined, isn't he? "It has its charms, yes."

"I am very innocent and need to be shown everything. Especially those portions of everything which involve a dick being in my mouth. Or tying people up. Or tying people up with their dick in my mouth."

"But not so innocent that you don't know what those are. But unfortunately for those last two things: Scholomance."

"You have Jin Zixun's wards, I'm pretty sure it'll be fine."

"Mhhm." (As the Americans would say, 'doubt dot png'.)

"I could have scissors in my hands the whole time! You can also do fun things with scissors, I am informed. Not that I have any personal experience with this because I am the most innocent of virgins."

"You are a menace. --An adorable menace."

"If you're also a dom we might have some problems. I did not screen for this."

"You are the most innocent of virgins, who knows what bondage is and that they're a dom-- okay, so those last two go together, but still."

"I'm very innocent. Human beings have self-lubricating butts. Tentacles are often involved in sexual intercourse. About fifty percent of women have penises. Schoolgirls never attend class because they are so busy being raped. It's a real problem in Japanese schools."

"The Scholomance is restful by comparison for our Japanese colleagues."

"Oh, no, don't worry, all the Japanese schoolgirls love getting raped. You can tell by how hard it makes the fifty percent of them who have penises."

He's having a helpless fit of the giggles now. Who allowed this freshman to be so charming.

"Our Japanese colleagues are so disappointed by how little rape happens here."

"It's very unfortunate. The mals are the wrong kind of awful."

He puts his head on Jing Yi's shoulder. "You have dodged the question."

He should probably do something about the shoulder-pillow situation. ...he is objectively not. "I can be flexible."

"How am I supposed to provide a good experience if I don't know what you like? Other than a practical objection to being tied up."

"Aren't I meant to be the one debauching you?"

He flops down on the bed. "I am entirely naive and you should work your wicked ways upon me."

"But first you need to take over my bed and ask me what I like."

"You could always demonstrate!"

He should not take this opportunity. This is a Terrible Idea, on Some Level, Probably. "I could do that, yes."

And now he is lying next to him and kissing him, presuming he doesn't stop him.

Right, see, where would you get in life if you turned down sex that was a terrible idea on some level probably. Dying a virgin, that's where.

This is Technically a Display of Altruism. Gotta prevent people dying as virgins. Very important. This is a community service.

"I do have to ask: have you kissed before?"

"Made out with two of my clavemates a bunch while I was drunk, kissed some mundies for practice so I could be a good kisser before I got here, and kissed two guys so far at the Scholomance neither of whom actually likes kissing."

"Okay, so I'm going to have to work harder to debauch you. --its very unfair that there are people who don't like kissing."

"I know, right? Kissing is great."

"It's a very excellent activity." And he should demonstrate his dedication to the cause of Kissing.

This is excellent dedication. Nie Huaisang is impressed.

How does Nie Huaisang feel about escalations to holding. and why has he even been convinced to do this

He's a big fan!

Obviously Jing Yi has been convinced to do this because of Nie Huaisang's excellent persuasion skills.

Excellent.

It is very unfortunate that Nie Huaisang is technically right.

Nie Huaisang is in fact right about everything. 

"You know that technically this is an awful idea, right?

"Mmmmmmm what?" Nie Huaisang says eloquently.

So very eloquent.

"I am pretty sure 'throwing yourself onto someone's bed and requesting they debauch you' is not a plan that should work, and if you give me a minute I might even come up with a reason."

"Nnnn. Can I kiss your neck while you're thinking."

"You're just trying to make it harder to think." Not that he stops him, of course.

"Noooo I'm trying to make other things harder. If it disrupts your thinking that's your business."

Look what you've done Huaisang; you've prompted another helpless giggling fit.

"If you can't concentrate with a cute boy next to you how are you going to have the situational awareness to fight a mal."

"Well there's a reason: you make me drop all my situational awareness. I mean, what if the wards failed and we didn't notice?"

"What a way to go. At the peak of your life."

"We would never live it down. ...well. You know what I mean."

"I would never live it down. You would be congratulated on ending your life in such a fabulous manner."

"Are you sure it wouldn't be the other way round?"

"I just heard my virginity is very valuable."

"I feel like it would be more embarrassing for a sophomore to die of fucking than for a frosh."

"That's true. I'm weak and helpless and you can have your wicked way with me."

"... And then proceed to die of it."

"Isn't that true literally every time you have sex."

"I have so far managed to avoid dying of the stupid things I do. The luck hasn't run out yet, but we'll see."

"So do another stupid thing." He kisses Jing Yi's ear.

"You should really consider getting a job in sales."

"I do have a job in sales! Haven't you seen my room?"

"In my defense a bunch of stuff happened this week," (you may insert your own 'hello, I'm stuff' joke here) "so I'm not aware of any entrepreneurship going on."

"This Anglo was going to announce it but then a bunch of geopolitics happened." He says the word approximately the way you'd say 'dead rat' if you were not Wei Wuxian.

"Politics is the worst."

"No politics. Only orgasms."

"What a world it would be if that could work. Solve the mal problem with free love, et cetera."

"Well, has anyone tried?" 

"You would have thought, but if they did, they certainly didn't write it down."

"Mmm. Maybe we should. Just to be on the safe side." And now he's kissing Jing Yi's neck again.

"Only one way to find out."

"So are you convinced now or are you going to tell me in five minutes that this is a terrible idea."

"As I said, you're good at sales." And neck kisses. Nie Huaisang has a good neck.

Nie Huaisang isn't necessarily good at the subsequent events but he's a very fast learner.

And Jing Yi is more than willing to teach such a good student.

Especially when teaching him is so rewarding.

As he said: a good student.

Debauching people is so fun.

Finally he curls up in blissful lassitude.

"Sex," he announces, "is great," and attempts to burrow into Jing Yi's shoulder.

"I was about to say 'I'm glad I convinced you,' but I'm not sure you needed that much convincing."

"I'm pretty sure you're the one who needed all the convincing."

"I didn't need convincing of the goodness of sex, I needed convincing of the goodness of having it with people who threw themselves into my bed."

"What? That's the best kind of sex to have."

"--I think you might need to account for the narrowness of your experiences."

"No one has ever thrown themself onto my bed and demanded sex."

"...Give me a couple of days and I can see if I can fix that."

"Excellent. Repeat business."

"Gotta maintain the ties between Shanghai and Xi'An."

"Well, you know, if you wanted to maintain the ties--"

"Still not getting tied up!"

"Can't believe I've been deprived of what is, like, the most common kink."

"The Scholomance is cruel to us all."

"Caaaaaan I hurt you?"

"Mmmmaybe a little."

"Caaaan I pin you down and call you a good boy or a slut?"

Okay, so an unexpected benefit of being with frosh is he is ninety percent sure that if it came down to it, he could throw him across the room. Makes being pinned so much less of a bad idea.

... And he definitely appreciates the idea of being called a slut more than he should. "You certainly can."

Well then Nie Huaisang thinks it is time for round two where he tries some of the excellent ideas he got from porn.

So on the one hand porn is often stupid, in Jing Yi's opinion, but Now Huaisang has a talent for making it not quite as stupid as it could be.

(He gets such a reaction from calling Jing Yi a slut.)

Sadly, Nie Huaisang is probably less persuasive on the subject of whether it is very sexy to give him footrubs.

Luckily for him, even if he is not that persuasive, Jing Yi is feeling indulgent.

Have you considered: this is very sexy to Nie Huaisang, especially if he gets to call Jing Yi a good boy while he's doing it.

Yeah, no, that's more of a him thing than a Jing Yi thing, but whatever. He's cute enough to make it worthwhile.

This is a horrifying lack of affective empathy and Nie Huaisang will not stand for it.

Poor kid. He must suffer so much from people not understanding his genius.

It's true, he does, and also the amount he's being called "kid" is really all out of line with the fact that Jing Yi is only one year older than him.

Jing Yi has been in the Scholomance for a year and a few days, and Now Huaisang only for a few days, and this has to count for something.

When the second time is over, Nie Huaisang says, "mm. You're good. Want to run off with me into the sunset and be my sex slave?"

Another laugh. "Apart from the technical difficulties doing that..."

"I'm going to make you wear eyeliner. You'd look good in it."

"I'll have to take your word for it." He does not. He knows he would look excellent in it.

"I mean, you could wear it here. I'm going to make some in lab."

That is a very excellent use of lab time. "Well, if you want to mark me in a Jin Zixun would not notice, I would not complain."

"While I am an innocent person who doesn't know anything about the ways of sexuality, I'm pretty sure some of those bites are gonna bruise."

"I have alibis he'll accept and won't mind."

"About sex with Shanghaiers?"

"I'm sure he wouldn't mind-- seeing as you have promised you aren't related-- but your handiwork is going to be credited to someone from Beijing for a bit."

"I hear you might have hooked up with Hu Zixuan."

He laughs. "You know, seeing as he said he wouldn't mind if I did--"

Nie Huaisang kisses him. "Same time next week?"

"Why not."