Then, finally, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Or rather, at the top of the drawer. With a hand reaching inside and grabbing Enserric by the quillons.

Now he is being inspected by a blue-haired man with a critical eye and resigned face.

"-counterproductive!" the sword says triumphantly. "Oh! You there! Yes, you! Please, take me away from this place! If I have to spend another week staring into the darkness of that drawer I swear I'll go mad!"

Teo almost drops the sword. "This fucking place! Sure, I will take you out." He stands up and closes the drawer with his other hand. "How did you even get there in the first place?"

"Were you not looking for something particular in the first place?" the sword wonders. "And, ah, let's just say I had... a disagreement with the security staff. In retrospect, it could have been worse; I was at least relegated to lost property, rather than to the depths of the lake."

"I was looking for a toy weapon. Boring story, don't ask. So, you managed to piss off security, fun. I am not planning to put you back there. Is there anywhere else that you'd rather be?"

"Well, ideally, I would go back to Mareth with a new, brilliant wielder and slay the demon queen Lethice," the blade says. "In practice, I'll go anywhere that isn't that bloody drawer. But I'd really like to kill Lethice. Something of a personal goal of mine."

"Oh, you're that kind of magical sword." Teo decides to move back to the main bar area. He looks around, and appears unsurprised about it being empty. "What's up with this demon queen of yours?"

"She's trying to conquer the world, which is probably the least of my problems with her," the sword drawls. "In addition, she's corrupted the land of Mareth into a grotesque parody of itself, enslaved countless innocent and less innocent souls, raped and murdered thousands more, and, I don't know, probably committed tax fraud. I'm largely invested because she also did all that to me personally."

Pause. "Not the tax fraud thing," he clarifies. "That was a joke."

"I am from a world where tax fraud can be a capital offense. A civilized world, as other patrons would put it. So, thanks for explaining it was a joke." Teo mimics the sword's drawl "But she does sound like someone in need of slaying."

"I'm glad you agree," the sword says. "I'm Enserric, by the way."

"Dateovont Moro. But call me Teo. Do you have a preference wheren I should place you?" He waves at Milliways around him.

"Not planning on taking up my quest or taking me with you, hmm? You can lay me down on the bar, if you must."

"Is not that I am not interested in joining a glorious quest to release a land from evil. I just want to talk more about it beforehand. Also, I am permaspringing and I don't want to rush any decisions."

"Ah, of course. You can set me down on the table, then. Permaspringing?"

Teo does that, and takes a sit. "Yeah. I am a species called Amentan. We spring, which means an increase in sex-drive and desire to have babies that can lead to suicide. Typically, it happens during spring season. Unless, we are somewhere without proper seasons, in which case our bodies default into permanent sex-and-baby-craziness."

"Dear me. It sounds somewhat like what Lethice is doing to my world. Mostly in the sex-drive sense, rather than the part about babies. ...mostly."

"Mostly?"

"Well, the goblins certainly want babies. And the bee-women and sand traps will implant their eggs in you if you give them half a chance. And satyrs will impregnate anything that walks on two legs, whether it has a uterus or not. It's not actually a representative sample of Mareth's corrupt, most of them just want to rut and run, but it's not nothing."

Teo makes a confused face. "Gah." His voice is just as confused.

"I was impregnated by a satyr once, back when I had a body," Enserric muses, instead of commenting on the face Teo is making. "The result inspired a certain amount of paternal fondness, as I recall. Certainly more than any goblin I sired. But satyr-spawn grow to maturity within a few hours, so there wasn't much time to bond."

"Gah." Teo repeats. "Change of subject, you used to have a body? How did you get to be this way? The demon queen?"

"To some extent, yes. I was sent to destroy her, but I was ambushed as I slept, kidnapped, and force-fed potions which reduced me to a corrupt, lust-crazed sex slave. I lived that way for many years, imprisoned in one of her innumerable castles, until my senses returned to me for one agonizing moment. I used that moment to cast a spell, reducing the castle to rubble and my body to ash. Such was my fury, however, that my spirit stayed in Mareth as a ghost. I wandered, slowly fading, until I found this sword, which was enchanted as a conduit for magical energy. Desperate to continue on, I forced myself into the blade. I was then picked up by a later champion on the same quest, who found this fascinating interdimensional bar, then decided for reasons unknown to me that she should pick a fight with the tentacle monster in the lake. She was unceremoniously devoured, and I found my way to the lost and found drawer, where you acquired me."

"Wow." Pause. "Why is there so much sex magical stuff going on?"

"Lethice is a demoness. Demons are creatures of lust, lust being one of the strongest emotions used to fuel black magic. They're also fond of wrath, but if they kill someone they're simply dead, whereas corruption turns people into assets."

Head tilt. "Why lust has anything to do with corruption? Or wrath?"

“It’s not that lust is - evil, per se. But strong emotions are the cornerstone of black magic, and black magic is the demonic lifeblood. Besides, it’s harder to resist mind control when all you can think about is sex.”

Teo makes a resigned affirmative sound. "I see. And mind control, corruption and creating species with impossible and amoral reproduction follows from that. How powerful is she, individually?"

"Very," Enserric sighs. "I didn't really have an opportunity to challenge her, under the circumstances, but the way demons work, she must be more powerful than her subordinates - probably more so than half of them put together - and her subordinates are not exactly small fry. However, there is a silver lining: being a sorcerous 'blank slate', as it were, you have the potential to become very powerful as well. Perhaps more powerful than I was."

"Sorcerous blank slate? You mean I could get magic?"

"Had I not mentioned that? Yes, I intend to make an archmage of you. I am a very good sword, but stabbing all of one's problems is rarely the optimal solution."

"That does make the offer more interesting. What sort of things your magic system can do?"

"My own repertoire was largely combat-focused; I learned to create blinding flashes of light, arouse my enemies to the point of distraction, imbue my weapons with power, heal wounds, strengthen my body, and burn my enemies with ethereal fire. But there's a certain amount of versatility to magic, and once you've learned to do that much, there are many minor tricks you can perform. Regrettably, since I lack a human body to draw energy from, those minor tricks are all I have left."

"Huh, does it do interworld travel and resurrection as well? Or could give you or another person a new body?"

"You could probably learn to travel between worlds; natural portals already exist, so studying one might be a good way to start on the project to replicate one. I've never heard of anyone successfully resurrecting someone, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. Making a new body... might be possible with black magic, but it'd take stronger feelings about me in particular than anyone has, at least that I know of."

"That still more solutions to my world's problems than before. Well, except travel between worlds, we managed to get FTL from here. How long would you expect to learn these things? Years? Decades?"

"With a properly directed course of study, it shouldn't take you more than a few months to get a firm grasp of magic, and not more than a few years to fully master it. Magic is much more about natural aptitude than about exhaustive study."

"I see. And my current alternative is being stuck at Milliways, permaspringing. This sounds very tempting."

"I should hope so. Why are you stuck? I thought the door was supposed to take you back home whenever you wanted."

Teo glares at the door, like he is trying to set it on fire.

"It is supposed to do that," he says through gritted teeth, "but a few months back it decided to no do that, and leave me stranded here. I can go to other people's worlds if they open the door for me. But it will vanish if I try to leave by myself."

"Well, that's certainly unpleasant. But I was going to have to open the door myself anyway, so it shouldn't be a problem. And then we can work out how to get you home ourselves, once you've defeated Lethice."

There's a certain amount of irony in his voice.

"Because it's so easy to defeat a demon queen. But again, it doesn't sound like I have a better option. Or at least I expect that, if I sit around here too long, I will get weirder and weirder worlds. I might as well take what I can get."

"That's the spirit. Shall we, then?"

"Let me grab my stuff. Do you want to wait down here or wait as I get ready?"

"For the love of Marae take me with you, I don't want to end up in the bloody lost-and-found again."

Teo snorts. He takes Enserric upstairs to his room. It's a very nice Milliways suite. The sword goes to a mahagony table. "I don't think you mentioned the tech level of your world?" Teo asks before going over a nearby piece of furniture to look inside.

"How in the world am I supposed to summarize a world's tech level? We have... printing presses, we have crossbows, we have rubber and latex, we have milking machines although those were invented by goblins and shouldn't really be considered representative..." Enserric will happily continue muttering to himself about various relatively recent technological advances until interrupted, painting a picture of a world that's mostly medieval with the occasional bizarre technological outlier, often sexual in nature, usually invented by demons or goblins.

Teo listens... while putting on a full bodysuit in a hard to identify material. 

"Is a lot of your technology... somehow related to a kink?"

“I mentioned that everyone is being constantly aroused by Lethice’s demonic magic, right? I’m sure I mentioned that. -oh, and if you’re going to stay for any length of time and you like looking like you do now, bring nonperishable food, and lots of it. Practically all of the naturally growing food in Mareth is alchemically tainted and will give you animalistic features.”

"Gah. Are the changes reversible?"

“Yes, actually, though not trivially. Black magic can be used to directly change one’s shape, but it’s tiring and you shouldn’t be doing it every day. There are also a few rare alchemical reagents that can be used to return you to your natural shape. Also, you may find some of the changes appealing and choose to keep them; I certainly wasn’t expecting to be as charmed as I was by my horns, but they really framed my face quite nicely.”

"Okay. Luckily, I have a device that should help with that." He pulls the suitcase-sized device out of a drawer. "Plus, highly energy efficient food to get from Bar."

"What in the world is that?"

"Replicator, it takes things apart and makes new things with the bits. It's a simple model, but portable. I am also gonna bring a hoverbike, because, why would I not bring a hoverbike?"

"Why not indeed. Shall we, then?"

We shall. He grabs the last of his things and takes Enserric to the door.

Enserric begins to glow, and the doorknob turns, and the door opens to reveal the interior of a humble little cottage. There's a bed, a full-length mirror, and a dresser on which sits a small wicker basket full of fruit and vegetables. (There's some knobby red peppers, peaches with odd whisker-like hairs on the sides, orange-and-white berries, and carrots with puffy cotton balls on top.)

Teo takes a deep breath and goes through the Milliways door, on his hoverbike. "Is this place immediately safe?"

"Yes. Well, it isn't warded, or anything, but it's in the middle of nowhere and no one has a reason to harass you here."

"Good enough. I am gonna assume these are tainted fruits?"

"Yes. There's canine peppers, whiskerfruit, foxberries, and bunnycarrots - the whiskerfruit turn you catlike, the rest correspond to their respective animals."

He eyes the things. "How much of change eating one of these will cause? And do they come with mental effects?"

"No mental effects, thank Marae - unless you get a corrupted one, but that's visually obvious, they're black and they look wrong. If you eat one reagent and you're currently a blank slate, one of your body parts will change - typically starting with facial features, tail, or genitals. If you eat one while already morphed a few times by that reagent, you open the door to more extreme changes. I wouldn't recommend eating more than four of anything in that basket at a time."

"Why four? Do you have magic to check if a byproduct of one of those has been purified?"

"Four is a general guideline that'll keep you from transforming too heavily. And no, the only way to determine the alchemical effect of something from first principles is to eat it."

"Okay, I am gonna feed some to my replicator. After a while it should pop out a purified food bar which will taste horrible, but hopefully be 99% less... that. Suggestions about which one is the least awful?"

"Depends on what kind of animals you like. If you don't know what they are, I'll go ahead and recommend the canine peppers, those are the red ones."

"Why that?" He asks, though he does feed them to the replicator.

"They were the first thing I ate in Mareth, and I liked them well enough to keep eating them. As part of a balanced diet, of course - I didn't want to become a full-on dog-morph - but I did still eat them intermittently up until my untimely death."

He picks up the other vegetables (why the fuck does the fruit has whiskers? How does it have whiskers? Whatever). "What should be our next step then?"

"I teach you magic; you use said magic, and my blade, to fight demons and sundry; eventually, you become powerful enough to challenge Lethice in whichever of her tacky fortresses she currently calls home; the demon queen slain, we find a way to send you home; everything is wonderful forever, tra la la?"

"Tra la la." Teo says in his least enthusiastic tone of voice. "Well, anything to do before the teaching magic step?"

"Not particularly."

This said, Enserric launches directly into a lecture on the art and nature of white magic, which as it turns out is quite powerful but requires a good deal of specificity and focused willpower. The lecture is pretty well-made, though he has a tendency to forget that he's lecturing to someone who first heard of white and black magic half an hour ago, rather than an apprentice mage.

It only takes a few hours for the preliminaries to give way to an explanation of how to cast the foundational spell of white magic, Blind. "Keep what I've told you in mind, and create a flash of light in the space between your hands," Enserric lectures. "And for love's sake don't look directly at it yourself, you're not ready to learn healing magic yet and we need your eyes in good working order if you're to stab things."

Teo can stir Enserric back in the right track, and he can diligent an attentive about it. "Alright. I am gonna assume that you have your own means to look away."

He does as Enserric instructed, practice that magic, practice that magic, pretty light will come out? Teo won't be looking at you directly, so no need to be shy.

The cottage is suddenly very bright!

"Excellent," Enserric says smugly. "Onto black magic."

Black magic, as it turns out, is kind of the exact opposite of white magic; it's very malleable and handles a lot of the informational side of things itself, but its power varies based on how strongly the caster feels about the effect, and it usually underperforms white magic unless the caster is under a great deal of emotional stress. Enough of the principles are shared with white magic that it only takes another hour or so for Enserric to impart the details of the fundamental black magic spell, Arouse.

"This spell, unfortunately, requires a living target. So you can either go out and wait for some goblin or another to assault you, which will probably happen within minutes, or you can cast it on yourself and I'll find some way to amuse myself while you, ah, amuse yourself."

"Could you stop me from going outside if it turns out that I will start thinking that fucking a goblin is a good idea?"

"I'm a sword," Enserric says. "...I suppose I can lock the door telekinetically, and you don't know where the key is... yes, fine."

"Alright. Alright. I hope you're not too bothered by the view."

He will cast the Arouse spell.

He's suddenly very turned on.

(Well, not that suddenly. He's a permaspringing Amentan. But it's definitely a spike. And speaking of spikes, he's hard as a rock.)

Teo lets out an involuntary moan, not exactly of pleasure, there is quite a bit of surprise.

Can he try control himself? He tries to keep his hands to his side...

Well, he doesn't know if the tension of his dick will be against the highly resistant and super-durable fabric. Surely there is nothing bad if he pulls his pants down. There.

He could control himself. It's not completely overwhelming, just very insistent.

It kind of doesn't look like he wants to, though.

(Enserric, on the dresser, appears to have him completely tuned out. He's muttering something about... sandwiches?)

Teo is tuning out Enserric as well. They can tune each other out together. Or apart. Or whatever. Teo will just grab his dick and be done with it.

It doesn't take him very long; Arouse heightens physical sensitivity, in addition to its other advertised effects.

When he's done, Enserric gives him a minute to clean up, then clears his nonexistent throat. "If you're finished being biological, I'd like to recommend we take a short walk and work on your swordsmanship. The best way to get used to a new weapon is to beat the living hell out of someone, no?"

Teo puts his pants on again, without a hint of shame. "Sure. Just be patient with the blue."

"What does that mean?" Enserric wonders.

"Oh, right. My people are divided in a caste system. I am Blue, which does politics and land-ownership."

"Well, we all have our flaws," Enserric says philosophically.

Shrug. He picks Enserric up and goes outside. "Besides goblins, what else are we likely to find around these parts?"

"Hmm. In the forest, where we're going, you may encounter imps, which are about as threatening as goblins; both stand about three feet tall, and can be easily defeated unless they come for you in a group, which is unlikely. You may encounter bee-folk, who are moderately dangerous but won't attack you unless you attack them first. You might encounter a tentacle beast, but you shouldn't, because I can recognize the signs of a tentacle beast lair and guide you away from them. If you do somehow encounter one, run like hell. Those are the only forest natives I know of."

"Joy," he says in the mirthless tone he can muster. "what is the procedure if I do find bee-folk or other non-hostiles?" He opens the door. "Should I take my hovercyle, or do you think that will distract from the lesson?"

"I always thought a nice long walk was invigorating, back when I had legs," Enserric reminisces. "But that's just me. Hover if you wish. If you encounter bee-folk, greet them, engage them in conversation if you wish, and politely but firmly refuse to be implanted with their eggs. Unless you want to incubate bee-folk eggs, I suppose. I'm sure they'd appreciate it."

Teo decides to bring his hovercyle and to not ask if the bee-folk larvae are cute and soft like babies. "Small steps." He keeps the hovercycle at his side instead of riding it. If anything gets too dangerous it should be use to mount it and run away.

Enserric hums to himself as they approach the forest.

The forest itself is rather lovely; it's lush and verdant, and natural in a way Teo may never have seen before, considering the industrialization of his home planet.

Within minutes, he's approached by a tiny green woman with enormous breasts. "Time to get fucked, stud," she says ominously, unsheathing a knife.

"Excellent," Enserric says happily. "Now stab her."

So it's that kind of practical teaching method.

Okay, he can do this. That creature is no different from a springing mad rapist that tries to force themselves upon people. And that's a punishable offense in his homeworld. Teo knows about it, and he agreed it's a fair sentence. In Amenta.

Sigh. Teo swings Enserric to disarm the goblin.

The cheap scrap iron of the dagger shatters in the goblin's hand. One particularly energetic shard of metal scores a deep line down her arm, which bleeds freely... before healing over almost instantly, leaving unbroken green skin in its wake.

The goblin drops the hilt of the knife and shakes her hand out, cursing up a storm, then punches Teo in the dick. It's surprisingly forceful, given the goblin's petite frame and even more petite stature. 

That admitedly hurts somewhat, but it turns out that futuristic armor comes with protection to key areas. How does the goblin feel about being twacked with the flat side of the blade. "Surrender, foul beast!"

She is: mildly confused! The slap doesn't even leave a mark on her skin; Enserric's blade doesn't have much heft to it.

"This is just undignified," Enserric says balefully. "Stop fucking around and use the pointy bits!"

The goblin nods. "It's not really fair if you don't fight back, sweetheart," she says. "I'm a big girl, you can stab me."

"Do you want to die??"

"Whoa, hey, never said anything about that," the goblin says, raising her hands. "I'm not into that shit."

Enserric groans. "Oh, of course - in your world do people just die when they're hurt badly enough? That's not how it works here. In civilized universes, like our own, murder only works if you do it on purpose. If you get hurt and you don't want to be, you can just... not be. Which takes a bit of energy, and if you get hurt badly enough you'll probably pass out. I apologize, that must have been terribly confusing."

The goblin listens in fascination. "Damn, swordboy, where'd you get this guy? Also, kid, what kind of hair dye do you use? Because I've been getting kind of tired of purple."

"Okay, that's much better. Yay, for civilized universes." He tells Enserric, without taking his eyes from the goblin. "It's not dye. It's a natural hair color for my species."

"Well, shit. Guess I'll just have to console myself with some alien dick."

This said, she launches herself up Teo's torso and manages to punch him in the nose, breaking it rather painfully.

There's a feeling somewhere to the left of Teo's conscious mind that he could fix his nose, that this isn't how it's supposed to be.

Ouch. Teo is athletic enough and interested in gray activities enough to know non-zero about fighting, but he never got hurt. Not this badly. Yes, he would like to fix this please.

He also would like to stab the fucking goblin with the pointy end.

His nose snaps back into place, and if it weren't for all the blood no one would know it was broken in the first place.

The sword goes into the goblin easily, and Enserric laughs somewhat maniacally. "Oh, I missed this!" he says joyously.

"Glad somebody's having fun," the goblin says in a strained tone of voice. When the blade leaves her body the wound closes, but she's panting and sweating. She tries somewhat lamely to kick Teo in the shins.

Teo jumps. The sword goes down on the goblin. Altogether, it's not the most dignified move.

Now, that he got going, he will just try to stab and slash the creature until it stops.

She goes down after one more solid hit. After a couple more, her eyes close.

Enserric clears his nonexistent throat. "Far be it from me to stop the fun, but it's at this point that you should probably either kill the beast or leave well enough alone. She'll be unconscious for a few hours; if you continue to mince her, she may lapse into a coma."

"Will she eventually wake up from a coma?" Teo says after stopping mid-swing.

"Well, yes. Unless she's devoured by a roving tentacle monster, or something. But continuing to stab her once she's already unconscious just seems like a bit of a waste of time, don't you think? And, I don't know, sort of tacky."

Sigh. "Okay." He carefully wipes some blood. Enserric might notice it doesn't stick the glove, or the rest of the suit. He takes a look at knocked out goblin, maybe is there anything to take away from her?

She's wearing nothing except a belt with several small glass bottles on it. Three red, one green, and one purple.

(Enserric himself is mysteriously blood-free, as if he drank the stuff off of his surface.)

Potentially ew, but first. "Can you identify those?" Teo waves at the potions.

"The red stuff is an aphrodisiac," Enserric diagnoses. "Green is a mild poison. Purple... probably hair dye."

"Should I take them? Also, how are you so clean?"

"Do you have any use for aphrodisiacs, poison, or hair dye that may or may not actually be a different kind of poison? My blade absorbs blood, for convenience and easier maintenance. If you want, I can teach you a cleaning spell."

"Oh, please do teach me a cleaning spell. I was dreading figuring out cleaning."

Enserric teaches him a cleaning spell. It's white magic, which means it's a bit fiddly and complex for the size of its effect, but "no one wants to have to get all fired up every time they want to wash," as Enserric puts it.

Teo is definitely delighted and attentive about it. Also, he will be so careful about this kind of magic back home. Then, he can be clean again.

Once he's clean again, Enserric suddenly vibrates and says "Heads up- someone's coming. Not a goblin or an imp."

"Oh, joy." He prepares mentally to cast blind.

Someone enters the clearing. He's a short, slender man - around four and a half feet tall - with the ears, fur, and tail of a white mouse. He wears a simple robe, dyed robin's-egg blue; it hangs off his shoulders, as if he lost weight since it was sewn. He doesn't look like he had much to lose. There's also a string of intricately carved prayer beads around his neck.

He's looking around cautiously. Upon spotting Teo, he squeaks in alarm and leaps back into a well-practiced fighting stance. After a moment, though, he squints, straightens back up, and bows. "I'm sorry," he says in a quiet, surprisingly deep voice. "You startled me. I've never seen a morph like you; I thought you might be a demon."

"Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. I am not a demon. Or a morph."

"Not a morph? That's... oh my, are you human?"

"No," Enserric interjects. "He's an interdimensional alien who happens to look like one, apart from having blue hair."

The mouse-morph blinks. "Sorry, who was that? And are you being sarcastic, because I can't really tell."

"The sword," says the sword. "My name's Enserric. And I'm not being sarcastic. This time."

"Ah," the mouse-morph says. He bows again. "I apologize, I should introduce myself: I am Jojo, monk of the Celestial Lotus. Yourself?"

"Dateovont Moro, from Jakav and Eleseo, Amenta." He mimics the bow.

"Well met, Dateovont. Your... sword... says you're from another dimension? What brings you to Mareth, if I may ask?"

"Call me Teo. We met in a interdimensional hub that I was stuck at. And my species undergoes something called spring and being there got me stuck in it. I figured that if I was going to have an over-active sex-drive and suicidal thoughts, I might as well do it somewhere where I can be productive."

Jojo frowns. "I'm sorry to hear that. When I'm overcome by the ambient lust of Mareth, I meditate; have you ever tried it?"

"Just got it here, but I will hardly turn down resources."

"No, I meant for your - spring. I find that the power of the mind and spirit can always overcome base physical urges, with the right cultivation."

"Oh, I am willing to give it a try."

Jojo's nose twitches happily. "It's been some time since I had someone to teach - my sect favored a moving meditation, focusing on flexibility and core strength. I can guide you through the poses to assume, then we will simply lie on the mossy ground and allow our minds to wander for a time."

How cute. "Sure, show me the moves."

Jojo guides him through a gentle yet challenging series of stretches.

About an hour in, the goblin opens her eyes, gets to her feet, and staggers off into the woods. Jojo blinks. "Huh. I hadn't actually noticed her there."

"Oh, dos this means that it isn't safe to continue the meditation?"

"It's no less safe than before. If we're attacked during the final resting pose it'll be mildly inconvenient because we won't get the full benefit of the meditation, but I have been surviving in these woods for many months and can probably defeat anything that attacks us."

"Okay, let's continue then."

They continue.

The final resting pose is, as advertised, restful, and it passes without incident.

"How do you feel?" Jojo asks afterwards.

Teo thinks for a moment. "Uh... I feel less springy, but not enough to be sure it worked or if it was a placebo effect."

Jojo nods. "Well, if you want to practice again, you can always find me in the forest. Maybe it'll be clearer after a few more sessions."

"Thanks, it's good to know there are helpful people about."

"You're very welcome! I haven't had company in some time."

"Not a lot of friendly people around?"

His face falls. "Not anymore."

"Oh, I am sorry."

Jojo smiles ruefully. "It's been years since everything went to hell, but it still sometimes... stings, I guess."

"That's sounds like the right response to this sort of thing, though, I am not sure if there is a wrong response."

"Joining the demons," Jojo says immediately. "Hiding in the city and pretending nothing happened. Whatever the Sand Witches are doing."

"Sand Witches?"

"They're a sect of magic users who roam the desert, magically enlarging travellers' breasts, making them lactate, and occasionally kidnapping one for mysterious purposes. They claim to be working towards Lethice's defeat, but considering their methods I have trouble trusting their goals."

Teo breathes deeply. "Is... that even remotely possible?"

Jojo shrugs. "It does seem rather unorthodox. But presumably it's not the operative portion of their plan. You can ask them yourself if you like."

"It's in the long-term plan," Enserric pipes up. "They're not my top priority, but I would like to know what the fuck."

"Me to, but unless we think we have something to gain I am entirely okay with leaving them and their lactation magic alone."

"The potential gain is in knowing why they believe they can defeat Lethice," Enserric explains. "Do they have some information we don't? Some weakness of hers that they've uncovered? Or are they merely insane?"

"Is it bad that I am hoping insanity?"

"Eh. It does seem unlikely that the key to defeating Lethice is 'more tits, in full generality', but we must be diligent."

"Sure. I just hope to get some tit-shrinking magic down before we swing around those parts."

"Not a bad idea," the sword agrees. "Though magical shapeshifting is rather draining. I might prefer an alchemical solution... pun not intended."

"There's an alchemist by the lake who might have something for that," Jojo mentions. "Grey rat morph, wears a brown robe. Just don't expect anything from him for free. He's a bit mercenary."

"Oh, thank you. Do you know if he only trades in coin or something else?" Pause. The smile falls from his place. "Ideally, not that something else."

Jojo laughs. "No, no, he trades in crystals like anyone else. Or- you're not from Mareth, I forgot-" He rummages through his robe, coming up with a small bag. He takes out a small, brightly colored hexagonal crystal, which he shows to Teo, then offers him the bag. "Here. I have nothing to do with these, but the imps and goblins collect them because they're shiny, so I keep ending up with them."

"Oh, thank you so much! Is there anything I can do to help you? Can I hug you?"

"There's not much you can do for me; I'm rather self-sufficient, by choice. You can hug me, though."

"Fair enough." Hug.

Jojo hugs him back. He's clearly somewhat out of practice, and he doesn't really know what to do with his tail, which twitches back and forth and at one point attempts to wrap around Teo's leg, but it's still nice.

Nice, after an appropriate amount of time he unhugs.

And Jojo bows and vanishes into the forest.

"Well, that was nice," Enserric muses. "I wonder what his angle is."

"Angle to?"

"Why he was being so nice. He wasn't interested in sex, he actively gave away his money, he didn't seem to be working with Lethice... perhaps I'm paranoid, but it makes me nervous when I don't see what someone gets out of their own actions."

"Man, you would be terrified of my brothers then. But maybe he just wanted to have a nice interaction with someone?"

"A novel concept; I'll consider it. At any rate, do you want to explore some more? I'm sure we could find a few more miscellaneous bastards to practice your swordswork and spells on."

"Yeah, yeah." Pick a direction and we will start walking.

It's not long before a monster attacks.

He - it’s definitely a he - is about three and a half feet tall, red-skinned, with a pair of leathery wings sprouting from his back and a tufted tail continuing the line of his spine. His proudly erect cock has to be a third of his height, jutting out obscenely from his hairless crotch. He grins nastily and bares his sharp claws.

"Imp," Enserric diagnoses with loathing in his voice. "This one, we should kill."

Hopefully, that will be easier this time around. Teo aims Enserric straight where it hurts.

The imp screeches with pain, but the injury quickly recovers as he makes an arcane gesture.

Blood rushes to Teo's crotch as a wave of arousal crashes over him. It looks like he's not the only one who can cast Arouse. It's not quite as strong as when he cast it on himself, though.

Ugh. No, no, no. For a moment Teo almost starts thinking about math, but he decides that thinking about killing the creature is a better idea to get his mind off sex. How about if he kicks the being in the balls then cuts off its hands?

That's distracting! It still heals, but he's on the ropes. He flaps up, panting, and swipes at his face, but it's easy enough to dodge.

"Go for otherwise lethal hits when you can," Enserric lectures. "They're harder to heal."

"Good to know!" Teo grants. He goes for the throat.

The imp gurgles as he goes down.

"Now kill it," Enserric says coolly. "You have to want it dead, badly enough to overcome its will to live. Fortunately, since it's an imp, its will is weak. The easiest way will be to cut its head off or snap its neck."

Teo hesitates and brings the sword down.

His will when the sword strikes down, might not be quite enough.

Enserric bites into the imp's flesh, but fails to fully cleave through its neck-

-and there's a feeling of hunger in the forest clearing-

-and the imp falls dead.

"...hmm," Enserric says. "Well, I hadn't expected that."

"What was that?"

"Need I remind you," Enserric asks testily, "that I found this sword, only a few years ago? I did not design it, and I do not have some kind of user's manual. The imp appears to have died, though not by your intent, and I feel... stronger, though only marginally. I suspect, based on the available evidence, that my own will was that which killed the imp, and that the blade somehow consumes the essence of that which it kills. Do you feel any different?"

Teo thinks. "I feel less tired. Even accounting for the physical effort from the fight."

Enserric hums thoughtfully. "This could prove useful; I doubt there will ever be any shortage of imps to slay."

"What consuming the essence means?"

"All sapient entities have an assemblage of energy called the 'soul'. This is what allows them to oppose death, to undergo corruption, and indeed to think and speak. When an entity dies, that energy is released into the environment. I believe that, instead of allowing the energy to escape into the ether, as it were, this blade captures that energy and converts it into magic to strengthen itself and rejuvenate its wielder."

"Huh, is that sort of effect hard to replicate? Rejuvenation, that is."

"No, not really. Well, it depends on what it's actually doing. You just said you felt less tired; you can get that with coffee. It's possible that it's actually extending your lifespan or something, literally rejuvenating, which would make this sword a miracle of modern arcane engineering. I can try to keep an eye on your life energy next time you kill something and we might get an idea."

"Okay, more monster slayer then?"

"Sounds good to me."

The forest is strangely empty for a while. Just as the sun is beginning to go down, Teo discovers a young woman with antennae, bee wings and black-and-yellow fuzz all over her body. She looks dejected.

Teo stops upon seeing her. He whispers. "What is that?"

"Looks to be a bee handmaiden. She'll almost certainly try to convince you to host her eggs, but she may give you honey, which can be useful. Up to you whether you want to have a conversation."

Weird that bees look like that. Or not like that but something that anthropomorphizes into that. "Sure. I will make small talk and see what's like to talk to one."

She looks up when he approaches and forces a smile. "Hello! Would you like to have my eggs?"

"No..."

She sighs heavily and her antennae droop. "I didn't think so. I'm supposed to deposit my eggs by tonight, but I'm just so bad at convincing people! I'm supposed to hypnotize them into it, but it seems mean to do it that way, and what if it wears off before they lay the eggs? What if they hurt the larvae because they're angry at me? I couldn't live with myself! But every time I ask, everyone just says no! Even though it feels really nice, or so I'm told, people really like it, but nobody would trust me, no, she's just trying to get me to lay her eggs for her, can't trust a bee-woman..."

Her cheeks turn a slightly darker yellow. "But, um, I'm sure you don't want to hear about that. Sorry."

Teo looks between the bee-woman and the sword. "Even if offering myself was an option safe for anyone involved, it does sound kinda suspicious. What happens to the person after egg-laying?"

She blinks. "Nothing! You just incubate the eggs for a few days, then lay them, and they hatch and the larvae crawl out and we take them back to the queen to feed them up until they turn into beefolk. We're not wasps."

"There are wasp-women?"

"No, thank goodness. Just, that's how parasitic wasps work." She shivers. "It sounds awful. Not at all like our way of doing it."

Teo thinks she is telling the truth and Enserric is not piping up any contradictions.

Bee-babies are probably cute and adorable.

"I should note that I am from a species called Amentan, and it is definitely a bad idea for me to try to get your eggs even if I was interested." aaaaa "And I think you're in the right track. Morality-wise. Why do people don't trust your species?"

"Oh, you don't have to worry about compatibility, anyone can take beefolk eggs as long as they're as big or bigger than a goblin," the handmaiden assures him. "I think mostly people don't trust us because we hypnotize people into bearing our eggs? You'd think people would come back if it's so nice, but I think the hypnosis freaks them out."

Aaaaaa. Why the fuck. Why. Why spring. Okay, calm down, the eggs wouldn't be his. Ugh.

"I still would rather not to run the risk in case my biology is too alien. And, yeah, that's a good enough reason to be suspicious. But I think your species really should work on moving towards cooperation with others. Do you have any... diplomacy with non-bees?"

"Not really," she sighs. "Sometimes we give people honey, but a lot of people are suspicious of the honey too. And I'm sure the Queen would like to move to a more cooperative model, but with the demons taking over the world, she thinks we need to expand our numbers as quickly as possible."

She peers at Teo. "I'm sure you're not too alien; you look just about human, and we can even implant in minotaurs and hellhounds if we really want to. Even if you were, it's just one clutch of eggs. Are you sure you don't want to try? I'd give you some honey for being such a good sport. And you'd be doing me a really big favor..."

"My species is really attached to babies."

"Are you worried you wouldn't be able to give them up when I take them to the Queen? That'd be bad, they need to be fed the proper jelly mixture if they're going to grow up properly."

"I am worried that I would throw myself off a cliff."

She covers her mouth with her hands. "Oh no! I'm sorry for bringing it up, then. Um, do you want some honey? As an apology, or just, you know, because honey's nice..."

"I don't need it as an apology, but I am kinda scared of being morphed into something else. Would you miss it?"

"No, not really, we always make more than we need. If you don't want to turn bee-morph you'll have to get it purified by an alchemist, but even regular honey's useful for a lot of things."

"Oh, good to know. What is your name? I don't know if there is anything I can do to help you in the future, but maybe I will think of something."

"I'm Jasmine. Well, technically I'm Jasmine 113-C, but if you say 'an envoy named Jasmine' everybody'll know who you mean. -I'm an envoy. Though I might not be in the future, considering what a miserable job I'm doing of it... maybe you should remember the 113-C part too."

Nod. "I am Dateovont Moro. Or just Teo."

"It was nice to meet you, Teo," Jasmine says. She hands him a glass bottle of honey. "I should get back to the hive."

"Thank you," he accepts the bottle. "Good luck in the future."

"You too!"

She buzzes off.

"They've really lowered their standards since my day," Enserric comments when she's out of earshot. "I remember bee-maidens who could talk a minotaur into becoming a brood-slave."

Teo pats the sword. "It's okay, no need to get jealous."

"Hah!" the sword mutters.

"Anyway, just to be sure, was she telling the truth?"

"Oh, yes. I was once hypnotized into bearing beefolk eggs by one of the aforementioned competent handmaidens; the initial implantation is overwhelmingly pleasurable, the laying likewise, and the intervening period only mildly unpleasant. I'd have taken it up recreationally, had I time for recreation."

Are the babies cute?

"I see."

"At any rate," Enserric continues, blithely ignoring Teo's internal monologue, "we should probably return to the cabin and get you some rest. We can do some exploring tomorrow."

"Fair point." Teo hops onto his hover bike and rides back to the cabin.

Enserric wakes him bright and early the next morning. "Rise, Champion, and face the dawn!" he drawls. "For a new day approaches, though the old lies barely in its grave."

Does the sword come with a snooze button? Oh, hell. Fine. Anything in particular planned for the day?"

"Yes, of course. Though some of it depends on your own priorities. We'll start with a magic lesson, then if you feel like learning more meditation, you can go back to the forest and meet up with your mouse friend; afterwards or otherwise, we should explore the lakeshore a bit, and see if we can find that alchemist he mentioned."

"Magic lesson and then exploring. I think getting the lay of the land should be a priority, just to see what low-hanging fruits are out there."

“Eminently reasonable. Let’s get on with it.”

Enserric begins the lesson. He covers two more spells this time: Charge Weapon, a white spell which  causes a sword or other weapon to strike with greater force, and Heal, a black spell which heals wounds somewhat more efficiently than simply willing them back into place.

“Notably, Heal is not strictly superior to natural healing; you’re trading mental exhaustion for physical. If you overuse it, you may lose the focus necessary to keep casting in the middle of a pitched battle, which can be a death sentence. But if you’re about to collapse, it’s good to have something to fall back on. And when you return to your own, less civilized universe, this should continue working when natural healing does not.”

"Yes, it will be very useful in my uncivilized universe that never got a rape-monster problem. Thank you, my sharply-witted sir!"

“The demons aren’t the universe’s fault, that’s all on the hubris of mankind. But point taken. Would you like to start exploring now?”

"Yes, yes. I want to find the alchemist and see about purifying the honey."

"Good idea. You should probably eat something, at that; you must be getting hungry by now."

"Yeah, my replicator did produce the food bars from the fruit I put yesterday. I was thinking if I should get someone else to try them first."

"It won't do you much good, unfortunately. You're an alchemical blank slate, and therefore much more susceptible to alchemical transformations than pretty much anyone else around. Your mouse friend might be able to eat three or four canine peppers before any transformation occurred, but you'd get them after just a bite. So unless you're proposing that someone eat a crate of your food bars and see what happens, your best bet is to try them yourself."

"Oh, joy. I will eat the pure food I got from Milliways then and try this one tonight." He does that.

"Shall we be off?" Enserric asks once he's done.

Last nom. "We shall."

The lake is very, very large, and with only "along the lakeshore" as a location, the alchemist isn't easy to find.

An hour or so after they start looking, a woman made entirely of transparent blue gel oozes out of the lake. She burbles inquisitively and cocks her head to one side.

"A slime girl," Enserric diagnoses. "Not intelligent in any real way, but they'll still take advantage if you give them a chance."

"Ah, okay. Are they hard to kill?" He takes a combat ready stance regardless.

"They go down as easily as anything else."

The slime girl turns one of her hands into a vague, gloopy sword and mimics his fighting stance.

"Is it capable of mimic magic?" And for that matter, if he takes a step back, does it take a step back also?

"No. Magic requires force of will or emotional bandwidth, neither of which it has."

She steps forward when he steps back, and then she slaps him with her sword-arm, leaving behind a trail of slime that makes his skin feel oversensitive and hot.

Of course it does. He tries to shake it off and then cut the arm off.

The slime stays on, sinking into the skin. Its effect spreads across his skin and downwards toward his crotch.

The slime-girl giggles as her arm flops to the ground, then sprouts a new one and tries to embrace Teo.

No, no, no. Shit, his fancy armor was supposed to be hydrophobic.

Can he bisect the thing with a Charge Weapon attack?

To be fair, the slime girl is probably not made of water per se.

It's very difficult to focus on the calculations necessary for white magic right now, but he can just about manage to charge up his sword and then- yep, the slime girl falls to the ground in two separate pieces, the larger of which shudders and turns back into the shape of a girl. It stays on the ground, though, wiggling slightly and making a soft, watery noise almost like snoring.

So it passed out. Time to kill the lube construct?

If he can muster the firm and considered belief that this thing should die, then yes!

It turns out that killing non-intelligent rape monsters is something is quite willing to do.

Eminently reasonable!

When killed, the blue slime composing most of her body flows away into the sand of the shore, leaving behind a round purplish blob of more solid gel.

"Refreshing," Enserric comments. "That slime core may prove useful, if you've got the pocket space for it."

Teo looks between the gel core and the sword.

"Am I in a video game?"

"I have no idea what that means," comments Enserric, "but probably not."

"It's a form of entertainment that you play in certain kinds of machines. It often involves controlling an little animated avatar that you send to fight monster and defeat evil."

"In that case then you may well be in a video game. I apologize for misleading you."

"I am sure it wasn't intentional, mostly because you didn't have any idea. Oh, well. Now I wonder if there are character levels." He picks up the gel core thingie. "On top of the likely crafting system."

"Many useful things can be crafted from slime cores," Enserric confirms. "Armor. A rudimentary magical focus. Dessert. The sky, as they say, is the limit."

"Alright. Let's just keep exploring."

They continue exploring.

In the distance there is a figure, features indeterminate under a brown hooded cloak, pushing a wooden cart around. It doesn't seem to have noticed Teo.

"Oh, another round 'potential rape encounter', ahead?" Teo asks Enserric.

"Potentially! How exciting."

"Alright. I am going to approach." Because avoiding people that might be rapists will be terrible for his social life in the rape world. "Hey, there!"

The figure turns, and reveals himself to be an elderly grey rat-person. “Hello, hello,” he calls back, trundling his cart over. “Rathazul the Alchemist, at your service, yes. Purveyor of potions, seller of salves... emcee of elixirs? No, that sounds terrible. I’m working on a slogan, you see.”

”Work harder,” Enserric advises.

"To be fair is the best alchemist slogan I ever heard," Teo says peeking in the cart, to see what is being sold. Half aspecting liquid dildos or someting.

No such luck. There's something called "Reducto," something called "Gro+", and a wide selection of hair dyes. There's also a twisty mess of fragile-looking glassware, with which Rathazul presumably makes his wares.

"What 'Reducto' and 'Gro plus' do?"

The alchemist begins polishing his glasses with a cloth. "Reducto shrinks, ah, intimate portions of the humanoid anatomy, in case you drink incubus draught or succubus milk or something to that effect and regret the results. Gro+ is the inverse, for those who are dissatisfied with nature's gifts. I'd rather make more useful potions, frankly, but the market wants what it wants."

"I was expecting something like that. Or maybe something that causes the drinker to grow and shrink." Pause. "I mean in height. It sounds like one of those fetishes that would come up." He thinks for moment, almost calls the alchemist a npc, but instead he says. "Do you purchase monster ingredients?"

"Why, yes! Slime cores, beeperson chitin, trap oil - these things can be very useful in my line of work, and I'm not much for the combat necessary to get them myself. I can defend myself, of course, but magic is tiring and I often end up resorting to combat potions, which would rather defeat the point of going out hunting for reagents. And I can also craft items from reagents if you bring me the reagents and provide a nominal fee."

Ah, cool, someone gave this NPC a reason to not do the quests himself.

Teo doesn't say.

"Oh, I got a slime core earlier. What sort of combat potions do you know how to make?"

The rat’s face lights up. He lists off a bunch of potions that sound thoroughly unpleasant, like fleshrot and devilfire and snapfreeze and several others.

“But those tend to require reagents, which dyes and the size potions don’t,” he finishes, “so I don’t sell them off the rack.”

"But you sell them if I bring the ingredients... And do you know where I can harvest the ingredients from?"

"Most of the ones I can't get on my own can be harvested from monsters or morphs, whether via combat or by asking nicely. Bee handmaiden chitin, for instance, sheds naturally, and they have little enough use for it."

"I am sure I will keep that in mind if I meet that one that didn't try to date rape me, again. Is the process of concocting those things complicated?"

"Yes," the alchemist says. "You can get a certain amount done with a recipe and some glassware, but true mastery of the alchemical arts can take a lifetime."

"Mostly I wanted to know if some basic healing potions could be learned that way."