Somebody walks into the bar. She's sketching on a yellow notepad with a Sharpie instead of looking where she's going; she successfully navigates around three tables before she stops, looks around, and says, "Gaaaahhh????"

Oh no. Noises. Toni is way too hung over for noises. 

She vaguely remembers the bar having some kind of weird green-gold alien drink-- they were great, she'd had two-- so she rolls over and says, "hey, Bar, you have a magic alien hangover cure?"

When she gulps the resulting drink, she does feel marginally more human. 

That's a hungover person. The hungover person looks upset. The hungover person is... ordering magic alien hangover cures... from the bar... which provides them via teleportation and/or matter conjuration...???

She has to talk to the hungover person, doesn't she.

What if she doesn't want to talk to the hungover person? What then??

She suspects the answer is 'then tough luck'.

Fine.

"Do you... have... an explanation for... this...???" she asks, with a wave of her hand at their surroundings. Ugh, she sounds terrible. Not right at all. Unexpected events are NOT supposed to HAPPEN AT HER in her OWN HOME, that is the RULE.

"Look, when a magic alien bar shows up in my house, my first response is 'what's a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster?' and 'can I have two?' I'm as confused as you are."

"Well, this is not what I wanted to do with my morning but now that I'm here I guess I'd better figure it out!"

Ugh ugh ugh she sounds like she's twelve, twelve is the last time she let herself be this much of a dork in public. Magic alien bars should be BANNED. Except probably she can find the secret to infinite energy generation here so suck it up, Tanya, you've got work to do.

She approaches the bar.

"My name's Toni Stark. And you are...?"

"Nnnno," she says. "No, this is a bad direction, I want off this ride."

She turns around and goes back to the door she came in, but when she tries the handle, it's not just locked, it's solid. Of a piece with the wall. No moving parts.

"What the fuck??"

"Jesus, whatever I did to your husband, I'm really sorry."

"I don't have a husband!!!" she says with a half-hysterical giggle. "Hi! My name's Tanya Stark! I'm pretty sure you're some kind of weird alternate universe future double thing of me and I am super not prepared for this eventuality!!!"

"Why are you sorry? I'm awesome."

"Well for one thing no matter how awesome you are I'm pretty concerned about the part where we're trapped in a magic alien bar. For another thing... no, you know what, I am not gonna tell you. If you don't know the reason why I'm freaked out to meet another me then good, I'm glad, keep being that way."

"Dude, if you're a me, why are you so neurotic?"

She starts laughing. It is not an especially happy sound. It sounds kind of like someone who is about three seconds from a nervous breakdown.

Oh no. Feelings. Toni is bad at feelings. Just ask Rhodey. 

"There... there?" she tries. 

A shirtless, sweaty, very good-looking man with a glowing blue arc reactor in the middle of his chest wanders into the bar. "Oh, hey, Milliways."

WHY IS THERE A HOT DUDE. SHE DID NOT ASK FOR A HOT DUDE. EVERYTHING IS VERY UNFAIR.

"Hi!!!" she manages between hysterical wheezes. "You look like you know what's going on!!!"

This day is improving. 

She does not hide that she's checking him out.

"Oh, yeah, my friend Lev gets doors to here all the time. He finds alternate-universe versions of our boyfriend Sasha and has sex with them." 

He looks around expectantly.

Why is the hot guy gay.

WHY IS SHE NOW IMAGINING THE HOT GUY HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER, EQUALLY HOT GUY.

Okay. Okay. It is time to be CALM, Tanya, CALM and USEFUL instead of FREAKING OUT and USELESS.

She bites her fist for a moment to get the wheezing under control and then says in much more normal-sounding tones, "Right so, alternate universe versions of people, what's up with that?"

"Apparently people tend to-- repeat, across universes? Same personality, same facial expressions except that sometimes you're a robot or an alien or something, often the same family, the same events tend to happen in your life-- the alternate universe Sashas keep getting abused by this guy called Minu and if I ever meet our universe's version I'm going to kill him."

This explanation was provided upside-down while Asher was walking on his hands.  

Was Toni supposed to be paying attention? Toni was not paying attention. 

...she is having An Intuition.

"What's your name?"

"Asher Stark."

What.

"Tanya!" she says, with a hint of that earlier anxious tone again. "Also Stark!"

"Tony Stark is my dad."

"Uh, hi! I'm Toni."

Is this incest? Toni is pretty sure that perving on your alternate universe son is incest.

Asher backflips up to standing.

Toni has fewer moral objections to incest than previously believed.

"...there's a boy one...? How does that even...? Is he okay?? Toni seems okay but I would seem okay too if this bar hadn't SURPRISED ME in the middle of my HOUSE, it's not super indicative."

"He's not-- he died. When I was seventeen."

"Fuck. I'm sorry."

Why do men keep having feelings at her? Toni is so bad at dealing with men having feelings. She is pretty sure it is misogynist. It is making her do emotional labor or something.

"I-- I really want to talk to you guys. Because you're my dad. Except girls? I didn't know my dad came in girls."

"I am down for that. I apologize in advance for being a huge mess."

"I know. My dad was a mess before he had me."

"Checks out," Toni says, "I've had two abortions and no babies and I can't be trusted to take care of a houseplant."

She opens her mouth.

She closes her mouth.

In its flailing attempts to find something to talk about that isn't what Toni just said, her mind lands on the screamingly obvious thing that she should have noticed and processed and drawn conscious conclusions from the instant he entered the room. And probably would have if it wasn't in the middle of his extremely distracting chest which she has been forcing herself not to stare at since he got here.

"Hang on," she says, "you have an arc reactor."

"Yeah! It's really nifty. I'd explain the physics but I think our universe's physics is particularly bullshit."

Rather than try to articulate the thing that is wrong here out loud using words of some kind, she reaches under her shirt and pulls out a wad of electrical tape.

Now her chest is glowing.

"I think... something weirder than just us being Alternate Universe Your Dads is going on here."

What the fuck.

Toni takes off her jacket. 

There's a blue glow from between her breasts. (They're very nice breasts. Asher should look at them.)

Asher does not look at Toni's breasts.

"Are you guys... Iron Women?"

"I'm Iron Maiden."

"'Iron Man' stuck before anyone knew who I was. It's kind of awkward."

"Afghanistan, kidnapped by terrorists, watched a bunch of kids get killed by Stark Industries tech, decided to quit making weapons?"

"Matches."

"Yyyyyes all of those are things that have happened in my life—um—I feel like we should be doing some kind of timeline rundown to see where the divergences are—" is she going to have to talk about her childhood, fuck, she hates talking about her childhood.

"Build an AI named Jarvis? Flew a nuclear bomb into an alien portal to save New York? Mind-controlled into murdering your boyfriend, who is fifteen and also Spider-man, but then he got better?"

"Yes, no, and what the fuck."

"I did build an AI, her name is not Jarvis it's Mycroft because I'm a nerd, I have... not dated any fifteen-year-olds and don't know who Spider-Man is? The portal matches though. That was not my favourite week."

"Yeah, dude, the fifteen-year-old is a questionable decision and I know from questionable decisions."

"I'm aware."

"I mean I wasn't gonna—" oh. Ohhh. Oh that is the sound of two people who definitely do not have certain past experiences. Fuck, does she tell them??? Does she not tell them? —she has to at least—the timelines are all scrambly, one of them might know him and not know the thing—

"...does the name Obadiah Stane mean anything to either of you?" she asks, in a deeply uncomfortable tone that sounds sort of like she is using her voice as a makeshift rubber glove to pick up the piece of hazardous waste that is the topic of Obadiah Stane and dispose of it as quickly as possible.

"Yeah, he used to be the CEO of Stark Industries and then I told him to stop making weapons and it turned out he was not doing that so I did a hostile takeover and put Pepper in charge instead. And then he built his own giant robot suit and tried to beat me up about it, and now he is in prison."

"Same, except I was the CEO and he did the hostile takeover at me. He stole all my patents." Her voice is very offended.

"That... um. Is he—is he your generation or your dad's generation or your grandfather's or what? In my world he was my father's best friend. And—there was a hostile takeover and a giant robot suit, yes, technically these things did happen, but—they are not the first thing I would think of if an alternate universe version of me asked if I'd heard the name—"

"Granddad's generation, my dad died young."

"Dad's friend, yeah."

"Okay. That's... okay. —My version is not in prison, he is dead. Blew up his giant robot suit." Aaagh so if someone in Asher's world had this problem it wasn't Asher it was Asher's dad, who is dead anyway, and where does that leave her on the subject of explaining—? Particularly since Asher is dating a fifteen-year-old? Everything is awkward and terrible oh no.

"Yeah. I saved him. Killing people is wrong."

"I'm honestly baffled by the idea of Obadiah Stane in a giant robot suit."

"It was—one of the better interactions I've had with him, honestly." Oh no why did she say that.

"He wasn't that bad to me? Other than all the child murder. That really put a damper on our relationship."

"Good. I am very happy for you. The fewer people who had to deal with my version of Obie the better." Ugh, does she sound sarcastic? She can't even tell.

"What happened, if you want to say?"

She sighs.

"It's gonna be super awkward and depressing but it's not like this isn't already a super awkward and depressing conversation, so, what the fuck ever." Deep breath. "My dad died when I was twelve and Obie got the company and also my guardianship and—" She hasn't actually said this, in words, to anyone, before. She can't seem to figure out how to make it... happen. "—he was—um—he sort of had, had a thing for Starks—"

"Ew."

"What the fuck."

"Sorry!" she says, covering her face with her hands. "Sorry. I'm—I'm sorry."

Asher hugs you. "It's not your fault."

Oh, good, there's someone here who can handle feelings.

And now she is crying on her hot shirtless alternate universe son. That's happening. Okay. Sure.

She clings a little.

Hot shirtless alternate universe son makes very comforting noises and gives very good hugs. 

He gives THE BEST hugs. They are such incredibly good hugs. What is his secret. Or is it just that she's horribly awfully hug-deprived, that's also plausible. Further testing may be required. Once she stops crying on him. If that ever happens.

Hot shirtless alternate universe son shows literally zero desire to stop hugging her.

Okay. This situation is being taken care of, she can get something to drink. Meeting your alternate universe selves is a situation where you deserve a drink. 

"Sorry," she mumbles into his shoulder. "Anyway. I'm—I do still figure you've thought about your dating choices even if you didn't have that particular reason to." Sniffle. "You give really good hugs."

"I've been told." He rubs her back. "I wouldn't have except that we keep almost dying and if I wait until it's not creepy I'm afraid we won't ever get to."

"This makes perfect sense," she says, nodding slightly and leaning into him some more. Oh no she is having inappropriate thoughts about her hot shirtless alternate universe son. Why does he have to be so good and also so hot.

Wait, why does she get to cuddle their hot shirtless alternate universe son? This is extremely unfair.

"You have nice hair."

—she giggles softly. "Thanks. You have nice... everything." Oh noooo whyyyyy did she saaaay thaaaat what if he stops hugging her that would be terrible. Now she is blushing. This bar is the worst.

He does not stop hugging her! Instead, he kisses her forehead.

—she squeaks, surprised.

Then she does a sort of Bewildered Yet Delighted Smile.

He was going to ask but the bewildered yet delighted smile is so cute.

He kisses her.

...eeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEE???!!?

She kisses back.

(oh NO he's SO GOOD she is probably a TERRIBLE PERSON what if she is TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE MEMORY OF HIS TRAGICALLY DEAD FATHER WHO SHE SORT OF IS)

Oh COME ON.

Asher Stark: good at hugs, good at kissing, chest continues to be distracting when pressed against your chest as part of the kissing process.

—she has to pause the kissing process for a moment because she needs to tell him, very firmly, "Everything about you is extremely good."

Then she kisses him again. If this makes her a terrible person she will just have to cry about it later, by herself, until Mycroft chases her around the house with a roomba that has a pillow taped to its back.

"Everything about you is extremely good!"

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

She is so happy and she has a very good happy face!

He wants to make her happy.

...kissing process paused again because she must HUG HIM on account of his EXTREME GOODNESS.

"I like you a lot," she mumbles into his chest.

"It's a common opinion! I like you a lot."

"Nobody likes me at home because I'm constantly a bitch to everyone." Hug. "This is better."

"That's hard to imagine."

"I just, uh, kinda make fun of everyone and everything around me all of the time always. Because people got the idea somewhere that I'm a Cool Person and now I cannot bear to disappoint them even though in fact I'm a huge dork with the emotional maturity of a week-old kitten."

"I think you're a cool person."

"You can make fun of me if you want."

"But how could I possibly make fun of you when you are so incredibly good????"

"Lev manages."

"Lev is clearly far more powerful than I." Hug.

"He is skilled in mockery!"

"Aaaa." She smushes her face on his shoulder. "I think I might like you more than I have ever liked anyone in my life. IT IS HARD TO MAKE FUN OF SOMEONE UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES."

"That's moderately inconvenient because we live in different dimensions! And the obvious way of getting a me will not solve your problem!"

"IT SUPER WILL NOT OH MY GOD."

"I guess it depends on how attached you are to your home dimension."

"Mmmmoderately? It, like, probably needs me, I'm a superhero and stuff. Maybe we should invent interdimensional transit. I mean we kind of just found interdimensional transit but it is not super under our control, it wouldn't let me leave when I was freaking out about meeting Toni."

"My home universe has interdimensional transit, but humans don't know how to use it, at least not reliably."

"...I mean, are you a Stark or what? Let's fix that."

(OH NO SHE WAS A TINY BIT MEAN TO HIM WHAT IF EVERYTHING BECOMES TERRIBLE FOREVER)

He laughs. "I like you."

Oh. Everything is NOT terrible forever. Good. This is good.

He kisses her. "But that's not really a short-term solution. I have to go back to my world to figure out how to reverse engineer dimensional travel."

"Hmmmmmm." She bounces on her toes a little, thinking to herself.

Then she turns to the bar. "Hey you! If you sell magic alien drinks, do you also sell magic alien secrets?"

I sell all books published in any universe, Bar napkins.

"Yeah, I'm going to need to get the current book list from Lev," Asher says. "Which I guess is going to have 'dimensional travel blueprints' on it now."

"I might just sit here and read about dimensional travel for a week straight, I'm not needed at home like super urgently or anything."

"Time is paused in your universe while you're here, and I was sort of hoping there was something else we could do for a week straight."

WELL NOW SHE IS BLUSHING A WHOLE LOT THANKS.

She's really cute when she blushes. He kisses her.

Coincidentally, she turns out to ALSO be really cute when she is BEING KISSED! Who could have foreseen this outcome?

Asher could have made some clever predictions.

Meanwhile, Toni is getting VERY DRUNK.

Tanya has temporarily forgotten about Toni. There is all this Asher to hug. It's really a lot.

"Um," she says, blushing, "is there—I mean, we're in a bar—I don't think bars usually have—"

Wow, trying to talk about sex in Real Tanya Voice is TERRIBLE. But she cannot seem to access Bitchy Tanya Voice. Bitchy Tanya is down for maintenance.

"I am told it has private rooms!"

"Oh. Okay." BLUSH. "Um." BLUSH BLUSH. "I am normally way better at this, wow."

"I think you're doing fine at this."

And he obtains keys for a room from Bar.

"I am kind of manifestly not doing fine at this at all but thank you."

She follows along. She keeps blushing and gazing up at him. He is tall. And hot. And shirtless. He has all of these attributes.

He is tall and hot and shirtless and gazing at her with a soft adoring expression!

AAAAA HE'S SO GOOD.

"I feel like I should be apologizing for being a mess again," she says, "because, wow, I can just tell I am gonna be super shy and awkward and probably accidentally elbow you in the face, so, sorry about that."

"I think you will be cute," he says firmly, "and it will be hot."

She smiles shyly up at him. "Okay."

And now they're in a bedroom and she can be kissed up against the wall!

She makes an undignified but extremely approving noise, and then her face scrunches up because WHAT WAS THAT, THAT WAS TERRIBLE, and then she realizes that she just made a face at him and he probably thinks she hates him now or something, and now she is lowkey panicking and he can probably TELL because she is EXPRESSING HER FEELINGS, LIKE SOME KIND OF IDIOT, and—

"Wow this is so much more difficult when I actually want to be doing it??"

He stops kissing her and hugs her. 

"—that came out ten times as concerning as it sounded in my head, sorry—"

But hugs are very good. Hugs are very very good.

"My solution is to try to give you sex you want and see if it has other advantages that make up for the difficulty."

"This is a GOOD SOLUTION. You are GOOD AT PROBLEM SOLVING."

He picks her up and tosses her on the bed.

She squeaks delightedly and blushes and covers her face.

"Oh no, you're so cute! How are you so cute!"

"I don't know!! It's a novel development!! I think it is probably your fault."

"I'll have to see if I can get it to continue."

His first effort in this direction is kissing along her neck.

She makes another undignified noise but this time manages not to have an enormous panic spiral about it.

"You're... really extremely good," she sighs.

"So you keep saying!"

His next line of attack is her jawline and ears.

Jawline: VERY GOOD. Ears: acceptable. The neck has been the biggest hit so far, though.

Then he will continue with her neck! He is very eager to please.

He is VERY GOOD AT THIS. Or maybe she just has alarmingly low standards. She suspects she may have alarmingly low standards. Like, 'hugged her while she cried' already causes him to clear the bar of Most Pleasant And Comforting Sexual Partner Yet. On the other hand, regardless of how alarmingly low her standards are, those are still some objectively lovely neck kisses.

He keeps kissing her neck and his hands start creeping up her back. 

Oh he has such warm hands. He is so good. And she—actually just feels okay, what is this bullshit, she has barely ever felt okay in her life and certainly not in the company of another human being, but here is Asher actually touching her and as long as she can avoid overthinking everything in sight she's fine. Is it magic. Is he hypnotizing her with alien interdimensional magic. No probably this is actually just what happens when you tell someone your dumb childhood traumas and then they hug you a lot and are nice about it.

He's touching her back and kissing her neck and murmuring that she's very beautiful.

Oh gosh. Oh gosh. "I mean yes that's objectively the case but I don't think I've ever been this happy about it before. Also wait I don't even have my face on, never mind, are you high??"

"Have your face on?"

His hands are touching along her sides.

"There's a—there's a whole thing I do with makeup and stuff—and like, posture—I don't think I can do it right now, I'm too happy—anyway it makes me really hot and I get on like magazine covers and stuff. No one would put this mess on a magazine cover."

She is kind of melting into him a little. It is just so nice how he touches her.

"Well, I have also been on magazine covers, and I think you're extremely beautiful, and I don't think I would like the magazine-cover version of you at all."

"Well. Okay. I believe you. That's weird, by the way, I never trust people, trusting people is terrible. But you are very good."

"I try to be very trustworthy! Also I literally have no reason to lie."

"I mean you could just really want to be able to tick off 'female alternate version of dad' on your scorecard but wow let's just forget I ever said that shall we?"

"I'm no longer in the 'checking things off my scorecard' stage of my life. Haven't been since I met Sasha."

"—mm?"

"Well, I met Sasha, and casual sex stopped being particularly interesting?"

"Oh." Well what the hell is he doing here, then?? .........probably he is having some sort of Feelings. Probably that.

"But you're great, and you make such good facial expressions, and I really want to make you happy, and you're an alternate universe version of my dad but I sort of gave up on my sexual decisions not being questionable when I started dating a teenager and a burn victim who's also dating Death."

"I am like slightly worried that I'm doing something sketchy here but—you hugged me while I cried and you like it when I smile and you're, just, really extremely good. There is so much goodness. So if this makes me a terrible person then what else is new and at least I get cuddles."

"You have such low standards! You should have higher standards! At least let me eat you out first!"

She giggles and blushes. "I mean, I'm not gonna stop you!"

"Well then."

Asher's hands are moving slowly and steadily closer to her breasts.

She sighs happily and leans on him a little. It is so unbelievably nice just to be... with someone, touching someone, who doesn't scare her or make her defensive or anxious or unhappy or uncomfortable, and then on top of that he also has to have such excellent hands? Unfair. She should file a complaint.

His excellent hands are starting to stroke her breasts!

Gosh. Gosh.

"I like... your hands," she murmurs, resting her forehead on his shoulder. "They are warm." She sounds like an idiot but she has sounded like an idiot quite a lot of times so far and he seems to find it endearing so maybe she'll be okay.

"I like touching you," he says, and lifts up her shirt and kisses one of her nipples.

...she makes another undignified sound. "Ah—oh wow—you are.... very good. Really extremely good."

(Her arc reactor shines between her breasts. There are a few differences in the details of the design, but it's still clearly the same fundamental thing, just built a little differently.)

"The skin around mine is sensitive," he says, running a finger around one of her nipples.

"—mm?" What's he—right, arc reactor probably. "Oh—yeah—mine too kinda—" And now she wants to touch his chest but SOMEONE is DISTRACTING HER. It's okay, she'll get her turn later. She does not want to try to multitask on this. Also has she mentioned in the last two seconds that he is VERY GOOD.

Oh man there are so many options here, how does he pick.

He's going to go for kissing one of her breasts, touching the skin around her arc reactor with one hand, and touching her other nipple with the other.

That is a LOT OF OPTIONS. She makes an EXTREMELY UNDIGNIFIED NOISE.

Sitting upright is really difficult all of a sudden but there are SO MANY GOOD THINGS HAPPENING and she does not want to get any farther away from any of them. She sways a little and grabs his shoulder for support.

He picks her up, puts her down on the bed so she's lying flat, and returns to his previous activities.

She makes a noise that is sort of a giggle and also sort of a moan.

"Oh wow it is really good that you can just pick me up. Wow."

Asher grins, stands up, picks her up so her legs are wrapped around his waist, and kisses her.

Squeak!!!!!

She has to take a moment to be SURPRISED AND DELIGHTED, and then she kisses back.

"I like making you squeak."

One of his arms has to hold her up but the other one can go up under her shirt!

WHY is she even STILL WEARING THIS SHIRT. She wriggles out of it and then kisses him again.

"You're so hot," he says, and then tosses her back on the bed so he can look at her.

Well now she is all nervous and excited and happy and wigglesome and making a goofy face. Is this the outcome he wanted. Is it really.

It is so very much the outcome he wanted.

He really does not so much want to be wearing pants.

Well GOSH now he's NOT WEARING PANTS.

Tanya... could also not be wearing pants? Except that... she is not so great at the planning and execution of sequential actions right now, and also Asher is RIGHT THERE and VERY PRETTY and she can just LOOK AT HIM and make PROBABLY RIDICULOUS FACES ABOUT IT. So it seems like she is doing that. And not any other, pants-related things.

Asher turns around in a circle so she can look at and make ridiculous faces about all of him!

His dick is huge and also very very hard.

Squeak.

"You're so pretty," he says, "I just want to keep staring at you."

"Yes, well, same to you!!!"

Probably he should instead crawl on top of her and start kissing her.

His hands start holding her hands. There's slightly more force than strictly necessary.

Oh now she feels all good and warm and melty. This is good. This is very good. Asher is very good.

His hands scoot down to her wrists and tighten and he shifts his weight a bit and it is suddenly very obvious that he doesn't have to let her up unless he wants to.

It was not obvious how much tension her body was holding until he melted it all away. Now she kind of feels like if he wasn't holding her down she might float off and bump into the ceiling like a confused helium balloon. An extremely horny confused helium balloon.

"You're, so good," she sighs. "Oh wow you're so good." She just wants to lie here forever feeling cozy and warm and safe. Except no she also really really wants him to fuck her. He better have brought condoms or something because it would be tragic if they had to go all the way back downstairs at this point in the proceedings.

"I might have to go back on my word about eating you out." Kiss.

"I bet you will get around to it eventually. Also I don't care." Kiss. Happy warm cozy contented sigh.

"We'll see if Bar has rope and then I can eat you out."

It takes some manual dexterity to take her pants off while holding her down but he manages.

"Mmmm oh that's a mental image all right—" She wiggles a little, in a happy sort of way. "You're so good. You—make me feel such nice things. The nicest." She's super babbling. And actually she barely even cares about that? What is this sorcery.

He moves her wrists so he can hold them both down with one hand and grabs a condom from the nightstand.

"Oooooh I, I shouldn't like it when you do that, why do I like it so much when you do that, fuck..." She wiggles again, smiling dreamily.

"My guess," he says, "is that you're a submissive." He punctuates this point by tightening his hand on her wrist hard enough to hurt.

"Ah—fuck—" She is sooooo melty and now she is also EVEN HORNIER. "—good guess—"

She has tried kinky stuff before and it has never felt this good but she suspects that is because she was trying it with people she didn't actually like or want to be having sex with and was paying as little attention to as possible. Probably this makes her a terrible person or something. But why would she be thinking about that when she could instead be thinking about Asher being on top of her and holding her down and, and, has she mentioned recently how good he is because it's a LOT. The amount of goodness is so much.

And now his dick is inside her so maybe it will be even harder to think about how she's a terrible person.

A sharp hissing gasp, and then a long, quiet moan. Oh this is so good. This is the best thing that has ever happened. He's so good so good so good and he's on her and in her and, and he's so warm and heavy and solid and real and safe and she just wants him to hold her down and fuck her senseless and then cuddle her possibly forever.

He lifts her up and he's standing and her legs are wrapped around his waist again except this time he's inside her and fucking her onto his dick. 

She clings to him, moaning incoherently. It kind of hurts but in the really good way, like when he squeezed her wrist, or like the jolt when the arc reactor clicks into place. He is so good and he can do whatever he wants with her and the things he wants to do with her are such good things.

"You're so beautiful," he says, "I love feeling you."

Oh, yes, words, are a thing, and she could use them, to tell him how good he is.

"Fuck," she says breathlessly.

Okay, specificity and eloquence need some work here, but top marks for sincerity.

Asher pins her to the bed again, his hands around her wrists tight enough to hurt, fucking her hard and fast and deep.

And we're back to incoherent moaning.

It's so good, so incredibly good, she feels like she's—melting, burning, breaking, falling apart—is she coming, she can't even tell, this doesn't feel like any orgasm she's ever had in her life, it feels like being hit by a train in the best possible way—

"You're gorgeous." He bites her neck and keeps fucking her. 

She whimpers.

She really really really wants to tell him how amazing he is, but she absolutely does not in any way have the capacity to say any words right now. Hopefully he will get the picture just from all the eager squirming and incoherent noises.

He's getting the picture! It is a very hot picture. He would definitely save this metaphorical picture to his porn collection.

That is GOOD because he is GREAT and should have ALL THE NICE THINGS, and also Tanya. He should have all the Tanya he wants.

She tries again to tell him how good he is, and again only succeeds in whimpering an unintelligible jumble of distorted phonemes. There might be a 'fuck' in there.

If he pins down both of her hands with one hand, he has another hand free to pull her hair.

—oh that is just not fair, this situation was already at maximum hotness and then he had to go and make it even hotter? Fuck!

He reaches down, pinches her nipple, digs his fingers into her breasts.

"Ahhhh fuck," oh, there, words, she did words, let's see if she can build on this success, "you're, so good, fuck..."

"I am," he says agreeably.

What does she think of a hand on her throat?

She—

—cannot in fact decide whether that is extremely terrifying or extremely hot. Possibly both. Yeah it's both.

"I've got you," Asher says into her ear, "you're safe with me."

—fuck.

"I love you," she gasps, because there is just—there is no other way to express the feeling she's having right now, he's so incredibly good and she trusts him and she wants him and he's holding her down and fucking her and it's even better than she thought it would be and she was pretty sure it was going to max out the theoretical hotness potential of sex.

"I love you too," he says, and starts making little gaspy whimpery noises near her ear. He's getting close.

Good. That's just—that's perfect. This is perfect. And as soon as she thinks that she knows he's going to somehow find a way to make it even better but she cannot for the life of her imagine how because this is perfect.

His back arches and his mouth opens in an O and his face has an expression of perfect transcendent bliss.

Her prediction was correct.

And he pulls out and snuggles up against her shoulder. "I love you."

"Fuck," she sighs. "I love you too. I. Wow. You... are incredible."

"So it has been said." He holds her hand. "We should figure out interdimensional travel. In the bar, probably."

"Mmmm. Yeah." She interlaces their fingers and gently smushes her face against his shoulder. "At... some point. I am maybe not gonna be able to get out of bed for a while."

A lot of things hurt, now that she has the attention to spare for noticing them. She is... very thoroughly fucked. It's kind of nice. Definitely feels way way better than any other post-sex cuddle she has ever had.

Kiss. "I can have that effect." 

"Mmmmmmmmmmmm." She nuzzles his face. "Have I mentioned in the last ten seconds that you're really good? I feel the need to mention it again. I apologize if this gets repetitive."

"I like hearing about it anyway!" Kiss. "All of you people are going to give me a swelled head."

Kiss. "If I inflate your self-esteem enough maybe together we will average out to a single normal person."

"I do think I'm pretty great." Kiss. "Therapy helped."

"Oh, man. I—keep feeling like therapy is for people with real problems? Even though realistically speaking I have so many problems that even if ninety percent of them are dumb and fake I still have enough left over to be worth talking to a professional about? I dunno, I'm a mess."

"I was really confident all the time and then I kind of had a trauma conga line and I thought I was sick but it turned out actually I was depressed."

...she giggles. "Oh no! Oh no that's adorable. I love you so much. I'm sorry you got depressed, being depressed sucks, but also you're CUTE."

"It's pretty terrible! I murdered a guy I was in love with, that was pretty traumatizing."

"That is legit really bad but 'what is this strange feeling, am I sick, no wait it's depression' is still... very cute. Man. I wasn't even sure there was such a thing as people who weren't depressed."

"I think if one fewer horribly traumatizing thing had happened I probably would have been fine?"

"That's crazy. I mean, no, that is literally definitionally the exact opposite of crazy. But it's weird." She snuggles him. "I'm glad you're—the sort of person who's mostly happy until bad things happen. I bet it's really nice."

"I'm really very lucky. I got just depressed enough to be able to be useful for all the people I love who are depressed."

Giggle. "Nicely done!"

When she giggles she deserves a kiss.

Eeeeeeeee gosh kisses. What a magnificent thing. She wiggles delightedly and kisses him back.

An enormous quantity of kisses later, Asher says, "I want to go downstairs and talk to Toni."

"Sure, okay." Snuggle. "Should I come too, or no?"

"When I love someone I don't actually want to stop spending time with them."

She blushes.

"I mean I don't know whether or not you want to have a private conversation with Grumpy Middle-Aged One!! But yes okay I will put on clothes. Where... are my clothes. I wasn't paying attention on account of how incredibly hot you are."

"I still don't have a shirt!"

"And you can get away with that in public because of sexist double standards!" She kisses the end of his nose and wiggles out of bed to go looking for her pants.

"I'm not going to object." He also looks for his pants, a process which involves a perhaps unusual amount of full wheel pose. "Although maybe I should get a shirt."

"You could get a shirt. It would be mildly tragic but you could. Aha! Pants!" Pants and underwear, even! Now how about her shirt...

He kisses her thigh while in full wheel pose, then regretfully stands up and puts on his pants. "Well, not if it's going to make you less happy, I won't."

She giggles. "Oh no. This is too much power. What do I do."

"Whatever you want."

"Gosh."

...She hugs him. Hugs are apparently the thing she wants to do.

She has such easy demands!

Right, okay. She has her underwear, her pants, her shirt, and her purple socks with tiny little bats on them. She is ready to go downstairs.

"I love your socks."

She blushes. "Thank you, they're incredibly embarrassing."

"No, they're incredibly cute."

"Okay. I will accept this. The socks are cute now, because you said so."

She kisses him on the cheek. This involves standing on tiptoe. He is so excessively tall and it is very good.

"Downstairs?"

He scoops her up. "Downstairs!"

Toni is drunk and sketching out Iron Maiden suit improvements. (Her diagrams are weird. They don't have any words on them.)

Tanya is GIGGLING DELIGHTEDLY BECAUSE ASHER IS CARRYING HER AND IT'S GREAT.

And just as Asher and Tanya emerge from the stairwell, the door opens.

The guy who walks in is:

(1) definitely an alternate universe version of Asher's dad, with the right face and posture and everything,
(2) wearing a black tank top with a familiar circle of light shining through it,
(3) maybe seventeen years old.

He stops. He looks at the three of them.

"I have... so many questions," he says.

"Oh, so there are versions of my dad that aren't girls, I was starting to wonder."

"Gimmie something to sober me up," Toni says to Bar, and drinks it in a single gulp.

"What is happening???"

"There's more than one universe. Milliways is a bar that occasionally transforms random doors into doors to itself where people from different universes can meet. Sometimes the same people are born in different universes. This is Tanya Stark, this is Toni Stark, and I am Asher Stark, and I'm pretty sure I'm your alternate-universe son."

...he looks at Asher and at Tanya and at Asher and at Tanya, with the expression of someone who is putting a lot of thought into deciding whether or not to comment.

Tanya blushes and covers her face. Oh no, it's the Ghost of Christmas Past come to remind her that her choices are terrible.

Asher's choices are great and he has no idea what Tony is making that face about.

He puts Tanya down.

"Okay. Sure," he says. "Hi. If I'm your dad where'd you get that arc reactor, I'm pretty sure they're not heritable."

"I think there are some fucking weird causality things going on, because in my universe Afghanistan happened to me and I'm the one that made Jarvis." 

"That... that sure does sound like some fucking weird causality things, yep," he says. "Uh. I... want to find a non-awkward way to ask how bad a father I am but I don't think there is one so I'm just gonna come out and say it."

"You were great. You never yelled at me or lectured me and always listened to my side of the story. You made me feel-- not just loved, but respected and accepted and liked. You fucked up like six times that I can remember and you always apologized and tried to do better. I don't have any complaints, except for dying in a car crash when I was seventeen, and also all the child murder."

Okay he is starting to tear up a little by the end of this recitation and then "wait, what?"

"It would have been better if you had not devoted your entire career to figuring out ways to help the US military murder children more efficiently and with bigger explosions. I would have significantly less complicated feelings." 

"Yeah, I'm with you on that one."

...he looks down at his chest, and then up at Asher. "Oh. Oh. Wow. I—had not fully processed the implications of this whole thing happening a generation later—I, he, your dad never figured it out? Fuck."

"...I really hope I didn't somehow stop him from figuring it out. Like, he was at home playing with me instead of in Afghanistan making stupid PR videos about explosions--"

"—I mean, even so, the only reason the stupid PR video about explosions helped anything was that that's the moment Obie picked to try to have me assassinated, which is something neither you nor your dad have any control over—and it is super weird that he waited that long in your world—was it even him?"

"In my world it was random unrelated terrorists."

"Same here, they were holding me for ransom."

"They wanted me to build them their own missiles to blow things up with."

"...I mean, yes, in my world it also looked that way at first, but then Sherry found out that he'd hired them to kill me and they'd kidnapped me instead—"

"...who's Sherry?"

"...uh, my clone? Did... none of you guys...?"

"The only clone in my house is the seven-year-old Hitler clone I'm helping to raise for reasons that I assure you made sense at the time."

"All of my alts are insane."

"Well this is super embarrassing."

"I dunno, I think clones are cool."

"I made him when I was sad and lonely and twelve, I was—sad and lonely and twelve and not equipped to handle anything about the situation like at all, he was mostly raised by Jarvis who I made when I was sad and lonely and eleven and then two years later he caught up and quit the accelerated growth thing and suddenly I had a twin. He named himself Sherlock Holmes out of a book. Because I forgot to name him. He's a badass and I love him but I fucked up just about everything about that situation that it is possible to fuck up and—I'm actually really glad that none of you guys made this particular terrible mistake but it is still embarrassing to be the only one."

"I started dating a fifteen-year-old when I was 22, discovered he was fifteen, stopped dating him but sure did a lot of dating-adjacent things for someone who was not technically dating him, got mind-controlled, and murdered him. Then he came back to life and I had a nervous breakdown and did a bunch of drugs and had a bunch of really ill-advised sex and completely ignored everybody I loved. And then I kissed him. --He was sixteen by the time we got around to kissing, it took a while."

"I'm not allowed to attend the Nobel Prize ceremonies anymore because I blew six princes in the bathroom."

...his instinct here is to hug Asher but that seems like it would be super weird on like a dozen different levels but like oh no.

Despite himself, he looks at Tanya to see if there are any reassuringly terrible stories forthcoming from that corner.

"I did not notice until half an hour ago that I've spent the last six years of my life having sex that I didn't like or want because I was under the mistaken impression it was fun. Wait, when I say that out loud it just sounds super sad. I can't even embarrass myself correctly. Help."

...Tanya ALSO clearly needs a hug. Does Toni need a hug too??? Highly unscientific statistical analysis suggests yes.

Asher is handling all the hugging of Tanya, and also the gazing adoringly at Tanya. 

Toni does not want a hug from the infant version of herself.

"How come all of YOU guys can walk?"

(Tanya can't help having an abrupt and extremely noticeable flinch at the question.)

"I... don't... know how to answer that because I don't know what the divergence point is there?"

"My spine was severed by the shrapnel."

Asher hugs Tanya more tightly.

"...okay so I guess 'pure chance' is the answer? That's not a very satisfying answer, sorry."

Tanya feels VERY STUPID AND BAD and may be sniffling into Asher's shoulder a little.

Tanya is very important and she is going to be held and gently petted.

"This is some fucking bullshit."

"Can't argue there."

He wants to ask Tanya if she's okay but, like, clearly the answer is no, and Asher seems to have it handled? Asher is really pretty stellar as alternate universe sons go.

Asher would genuinely be overjoyed to discover his alternate universe dad approves of him but he is kind of busy right now. 

"Also, how come the only other people who match between universes are fucking Obie and Pepper? Nothing wrong with Pepper, I love her, but Obie is not the person I want every other version of me to have to deal with. Why can't all my alternate-universe selves be friends with Rhodey, or Roger, or even fucking Rumlow--"

Asher looks up. "We have a Brock Rumlow, but he's a supervillain."

"That's weird, ours is a good guy, just kind of creepily utilitarian."

"...well, presumably my dad matches, right—Howard Stark, worked on the Manhattan Project, helped create Captain America—"

"Y-yeah," sniffles Tanya, "that one's the same for me too—never heard of Rhodey or Roger or Rumlow—"

"Yeah, that's my dad."

"Granddad," Asher confirms. "Does anybody have a Sasha Mikhailov or a Lev Aarons or a Z or a Laser T. Rex Universe or a Marlo Rogers?"

"Nnnno? Who is Laser T. Rex Universe, that's the most amazing name I've ever heard."

"Cap's last name is Rogers but his first name isn't Marlo, it's Steve. Also I'm not friends with him because I feel like he's constantly judging me."

"I have a Steve. He's a very judgmental person."

"He's better if you don't constantly needle him?"

"Yeah, but where's the fun in that?"

"I actually tried really hard not to do that at first but then we kept getting in fights anyway so I gave up. I like Thor better. Before Asher, Thor was the only person who'd ever given me a hug that didn't make me feel like I was dying."

"I... do not have Captain America walking around judging me," volunteers Tony. "I also do not know anyone named Thor."

"Oh, he's probably frozen in the Arctic, you should get someone to check. In my universe, if you pick up the hammer of Thor you turn into Thor. --Also, Laser T. Rex Universe is the seven-year-old Hitler clone I adopted, we let him name himself."

"There are no Norse gods in my universe. Should there be Norse gods?"

"...I don't think Thor is contagious in my universe? He lent his hammer to an intern once and she didn't, like, get taller or change her name." Also she loves Asher so much. "Our Norse gods are mmmmostly pretty cool, though. Loki has some issues but last I heard he and Thor were working things out."

"Your Loki is a guy? Weird."

"Seriously, guys, do I have to be worried that I'm going to go home and Hercules is going to show up--"

"I have no idea how to tell," she says to Toni, and to Asher, "I mean, obviously Loki's gender is super debatable, but he doesn't mind people defaulting to whatever?"

Tony, meanwhile, is frowning thoughtfully. Something about this conversation...

"Question," he says. "Vampires."

"Nope."

"What the fuck? No."

"Nnnnoooo?"

"Just me then! Okay, good to know."

"You have VAMPIRES?"

"I super do! They're a huge nuisance until you invent the ultraviolet laser pointer and then it's just like 'hi, bye'."

"You are an alternate version of my dad!"

He laughs a little.

Tanya smiles too.

"Want to help us invent stable reliable interdimensional transit?"

"—so, yes, absolutely, but I should really bring Jarvis in on it if we're gonna do that, he's the one who knows all about magic—"

"I guess if there are vampires I shouldn't make a face about magic."

"We're a no on the magic too. Only bullshit physics."

"...There's an argument to be made for it in my world I guess, but like, not so much that Mycroft decided to learn it or anything?"

"Wait, if you guys don't have magic then what are your arc reactors for?"

"Keeping the shrapnel from reaching my heart."

"Keeping the shrapnel from reaching my heart," Toni says at the exact same time. 

"...same?" says Tanya. "What... what's yours??"

"...the guys who kidnapped me had a wizard who put a death curse on my heart and the countercurse was hooked to a car battery? It was super uncomfortable until I upgraded the power supply, I felt like I was constantly having a heart attack."

"I never thought I was going to tell someone from another universe that their universe is weird."

"My universe is really fucking weird," he agrees.

"We have a physicist that turns into a giant green ragemonster?"

"So do we, I think everyone might have that one."

"Yep, mine's got that! She's kind of intimidating. Not the ragemonster thing, she's just really smart and I never feel like I'm keeping up."

"...none of those where I'm from. Not that I've heard of. I, like, wouldn't be shocked, but."

"Mine's less 'intimidating' and more 'constant aura of low-grade misery.'"

"I mean, that too, yeah."

"Same. Destroying Harlem tends to do that to you."

"I don't... think I remember mine destroying Harlem, and if she did they fixed it, but she has damaged some cities for sure. I think she might've had a big fight in Toronto that took out a strip club."

"Now that's just a tragedy."

"--Uh, not that comparing universes isn't great, but I kind of want to talk to the two versions of my dad I'm not dating about-- things."

—Tanya blushes. "Yes, okay, cool."

Tony feels... a little awkward and nervous, but man, he would be so disappointed in himself if he let Cool Alternate Universe Son down. "Yeah?"

"--I guess we've sort of already touched on, like, the military-industrial complex, what the fuck."

Toni makes a thumbs-down sign. "Military-industrial complex bad."