Margarítē teleports into Sothis with a puff of smoke. She's fanning herself ostentatiously, because it is hot and she's very mortal. She knows where the Censor's office is, because she consulted her Sothis Board of Tourism Map in advance. She's been here before.

A dimension door, and she's there.

She buys a coffee with a long metal straw from a street vendor, and then she goes inside. She's very obviously under mage armor, and several other spells- and if one has Arcane Sight, a LOT of spells. 

A wizard is not an unexpected sight. "What can I do for you?" the clerk asks in Osirian.

Margarítē nods. A very ancient [Permanent Tongues] kicks in. Margarítē is trying very hard to speak like a normal person, but her strange emphasis creeps in on occasion.

"Good afternoon. My Name is Margarítē. I will share with you some Commercial Intelligence for no fee, to explain why I am here. At the prompting of the Constitutional Convention, the Queen of Cheliax has passed a new Censorship law. This law states that any work that is legal in Osirion is also legal to publish in Cheliax. As Cheliax has not yet established a board of censors, I have teleported here with my friend's Important Autobiographical Publication. What would presently be required to outbid everyone else being considered today?"

" - it's a second price auction. So you aren't disadvantaged by just bidding all of the money you've got, you'll still only pay what the next highest bidder placed."

Abadarans. This is why she's not living in Osirion. 

"Can we bid Again, if we're not immediately considered?"

"...sure, I guess, though if you start wasting a lot of peoples' time bidding we'll tack fees on."

Margarítē pulls from her shiny black angular purse (which is a Handy Haversack) a small leather folder. In it, barely visible, is a short scribbly document. She also pulls out a bulging leather sack. It has the Taldane words "Five Hundred Gold Pieces" carefully embroidered on it, in gold thread.

"Are you...bidding....that? All right, then, the current lead bid is three silver a page, so you pay three silver and a half a page and I can review the document now."

The Undying Badger!

The Constitutional Convention having Passed a Law to Censor Many Things, but Giving an Osirian Exception, My Friend Teleported to Osirion Immediately, it being That Important that the Badger not be Interrupted! 

I have Heard Many of the Wise and Knowledgeable Readers of the Badger asking for a A Biography of the Great Lady Eriape. Here it Is!

I was born in 4561 AR, fifty years before Aroden's Death. My Mother was the Daughter of a City Count, sent Away into the Country for the Usual Reason. She was a Slut! We were Twins. She Pinned Her hopes on my sister Velarise, Older by a Minute, whose Sorcerous Talents manifested early. Her little Lightning Bolts became a Regular Feature of my Childhood.  

Mother doted on her but Not on Me! So I doted on Myself. While Velarise practiced her Lightning I frequented Taverns and Spoke to Adventurers! I wanted Magic Too, and Read A Lot. At age Fifteen, I heard Whispers of a Necromancer. Already Then I had some Skills in that Direction, and in an Ancient Tomb I found Master Jordi Raventós, an Old Man and Necromancer who had Retreated from the World as I later did!

"Fools!" He would Exclaim between Coughs "I’ll Show them All!" His Hands shook too badly to perform Much Magic, but his mind Remained Sharp. He was a Great Man. My Mother’s Fury When she Heard was Terrible, and They Locked Me In. I Escaped! And went Back! 

He would Spend Hours detailing his theories about Necromancy between his tirades. The man was Very Old, and only Touched me in Unseemly Ways a Few Times, which is the Price of Doing Business. Master Raventós had Spent his Entire Life working toward Lichdom. When He Died, He was Not Ready. So it Goes. He died During my Fifth year of Study, and I did not Kill Him. He was Just Old! 

Then I Did some Things to Gather Circles, In the Usual Way except Necromantically! I killed Many Things! Once I killed a Wading Bird, Fifty Feet Tall! 

Velarise became an Adventurer Too! She had no Children, and Would then Later Fall in the War against Hell! Our Family Lived on (More or Less) in Me!

I was well into my Fifties When I Finally Mastered the Creation of Undead. By then, Cheliax had nearly Fallen to Hell, and it was Time to Descend. I had already begun my Preparations for Lichdom, but it is a Truism to Not attempt your Ascension Before you can Create a Crawling Hand. Now I Could. 

I have Explained my Private Means of Ascension Previously. 

As I was Ascending, I was also Creating my Lair, being in something of a Hurry, For the Regime of Hell was Rising Then. To Dig that Place, I created my First Badgers, Though the Well-known Animate Dead spell.  I did not Immediately Realize the Importance of the Badger, but as Soon as I woke, Undying, I realized that They are the Best Thing! 

I Then spent Some Years Searching for Ways to Improve the Badger. I Obtained- through Some Unspecified Means- the Awaken Spell, as well as the Means to make them Undying. I woke then Clarabella and Haria and Montserrat and Eulàlia and Jordina and Mercè and Núria and Began their Education. 

My Phylactery—Remains my Most Closely Guarded Secret. I spent A Many Years Crafting Magical items to Finance my unique means of Concealment. If you Own a Magic Item with Two  Black And One White Dot in a Pattern, It is One that I Constructed and Sold with the Help of my Loyal Badgers. And you are Lucky, for it is Well Crafted and High Quality. 

And then there was a Constitutional Convention. It’s Turning out Very Interesting.

Margarítē puts Her Big Bag of Money back, and pays like a normal person, and hands over the folder. 

"Are you the author of this piece?"

"I am in constant mental contact with the Author, through magic."

"Is the author of this piece a man or a woman?"

Osirians. This is why she's not living in Sothis. 

"At the present moment, the author is a wizard, woman, and lich. Licensed Undead under the law. Why?"

"Well, then in the first paragraph, this depicts immoral behavior, a young woman frequenting taverns and speaking to adventurers, and so is prohibited as promoting immoral conduct. And in the next paragraph it depicts the author defying her parents. Aaaaand then in the following paragraphs she is promiscuous."

Badgers are better than this.

"I am not an expert on Osirioni Law, but if she has already obtained a first circle of spells, is it then still considered immoral?"

"Hmmmm. Some of this behavior, attributed to an already-established wizard, would be less unwise. But still I think it does not promote the public character, without being very clear about the reasons it ought not to be imitated. And even a wizard has no excuse to disobey her mother."

Margarítē makes some quick edits. 

Mother doted on her but Not on Me! So I doted on Myself. While Velarise practiced her Lightning I frequented Taverns and Spoke to Adventurers! I wanted Magic Too, and Read A Lot. At age Fifteen, I heard Whispers of a Necromancer. Already Then I had some Skills in that Direction the First Circle,  and in an Ancient Tomb I found Master Jordi Raventós, an Old Man and Necromancer who had Retreated from the World as I later did!

"Fools!" He would Exclaim between Coughs "I’ll Show them All!" His Hands shook too badly to perform Much Magic, but his mind Remained Sharp. He was a Great Man. My Mother’s Fury When she Heard was Terrible, and They Locked Me In. I Escaped! And went Back! 

"What is the specific Problem along public character lines?"

"...the author is still depicted as having went and met a man alone. But the larger concern about public character is that works ought to promote virtue and good sense, and if they depict errors of judgment ought to depict them as errors, which had consequences. It is not responsible to write, say, a story in which a man does a lot of things which would destroy the lives of anyone who really did them but which all work out splendidly for him, except perhaps with great care. If a biography of this person is being published then presumably there is some reason this person's life is in the public interest, what is the one you are imagining?"

"Is that not all biographies of Adventurers? Most of them Die, do they not, and the Common person performing those acts would not Succeed? And yet, it would seem to me to be in the public Interest that adventurers adventure, and gain in power Thereby?"

"It is clear that My Friend became over time a Person more aligned with Abadaran Philosophy. She earned great sums of money through performing useful, difficult and valuable work for a long time, increased the Labor Supply, and taught and improved her Dependents, and improved herself with new Skills, such as Branding. I cannot imagine that you demand that all works start at the end, so to speak, with the Main Character having already improved?"

"It's not in the public interest that women adventure! But it will certainly be helpful if there is more of an emphasis on the things that this woman did that should be admired."

"It seems to me that you are Right. There should be more of an Emphasis on the admirable things that My Friend did for her Dependents, and the subsequent Successes of Those Dependents. This is Osirian virtue, and my Friend had not realized." 

"The exact amounts earned, however, are in the nature of a Trade Secret. How are such handled? Likewise, if one is an established First Level wizard, one is sometimes called upon to meet a man alone- will all such depictions offend, or merely the Promiscuous?"

"Perhaps you can write that she was chaperoned, in her meeting, so that no one fears that any impropriety is merely being elided."

Margarítē takes to document away, and Mutters to herself for several minutes as she rewrites it, adding significant portions, before returning, and giving the man more money, as well as the revised document. 

"A maid is not sufficient as a chaperone to go meet a necromancer, it ought to be a brother, or a father. You need to specify that the tombs were of Qadirans, and their excavation thus permitted under the law. Ascension as a lich is believed to involve human sacrifice, so you need to specify that you had ownership of all of the ritual components. And then I think you need something at the beginning, in a mature and credible voice, noting that this is the account given by the author of how her career and magical research have been responsible and lawful, but that the credibility of that account is very much in question, the account most probably dishonest, and the author untrustworthy - that men who compact with her not imagine that these claims are accurate."

"It will be published by the Author, my Friend, who I am doing a Favor. If the Author provides a signed statement to you from a Reputable and Powerful Priest of Abadar in this city as to the Veracity under the truthtelling of Abadar of all Paragraphs except for two specific ones (so enumerated), would that suffice to restrict that disclaimer to those specific paragraphs?"

"Likewise, if these tomb expeditions were made outside the borders of Osirion, would it be sufficient to state that they were done so lawfully?"

"If the tomb expeditions were made outside of the borders of Osirion I will have to familiarize myself with the tomb raiding laws of other countries, for which there is a further fee. The disclaimer need not attach to any section of the document whose veracity the author has attested to under truth magic."

Is showing her superiority and indulging her vanity worth this much to her? Yes, yes it is. 

Some more muttering and more money ensues. "I have written this document as if it has been approved already. I will then go (with My Friend) and have this sworn to, and will then return for a Final Stamp. Would this be acceptable?"

" - no."

"What then ails my case?"

"This is - contemptuous of the law, and amounts to a plain implication that you routinely and willfully violated it, and intend that your audience know this is so. Men are entitled to write fiction about themselves, and entitled to write fact, but men are not entitled to use the mixture of fact and fiction to attempt to imply that they broke the law repeatedly, benefitted by it, and now desire accolades for it. I can be forgiving of 'here is a fictionalized account', but not of 'here is the employment of the tools of the law to mock it'."

"You say routinely, but only in a single span of three years, in the gathering of these materials, is it so that my Friend might have disobeyed the laws? If My Friend can show that these acts have been pardoned by the Queen of Cheliax, as part of the General Pardon Issued at the end of the Infernal Regime, would that help matters?"

"I do not believe it permitted to boast of actions which were illegal and remain illegal even if the acts were pardoned, as anyone inspired to an imitation would be acting illegally. I think that if it is your desire to testify to your friend's story as true and not as a work of fiction inspired by the truth, and to by its publication lend your friend credibility, and the true story is that your friend committed a great many serious crimes in order to become a lich, then that truthful telling is not in the public interest and the state's interest is not in securing that credibility for your friend."

It is fortunate, that she has over many years cultivated patience. Patience is very important, if one considers eternity.

"I shall try one with fewer illegal actions, then!" She goes away, mutters loudly, and comes back some minutes later

"These changes eliminated my Friend's entire youth! Would this be sufficient?"

"All right. I think this is now best understood as an advertisement, not as a work of fiction or purported biography. Advertisements must be true and must be accompanied by an attestation that the described services are provided at the described prices, or at prices to be negotiated, and that the advertiser pays taxes, does not traffic in stolen goods, and is a man - a person - a being - in good standing with the law. I...suspect that an advertisement for services in Cheliax needs an additional attestation but I will have to go ask someone more senior about that, I don't do foreign attestations." 

"My friend does not presently advertise any goods for sale, and would prefer this in the biographical vein."

"But then I do not see the public benefit to its publication. It avoids making claims on those topics where I infer the truth to be that your friend did a great many lawless murders, which is better than making any. But why should a person read it? What stands society to gain by its publication?"

"My Friend rather thinks that it is in the public interest, as a general description of facts about a public figure. You would, perhaps, not object to a historical treatise about, let's say, the late Mayor of Westcrown. Same thing. It also provides valuable information for wizards about the possibilities of magic."

"We would approve a sober, considered, reasonable historical treatise on the late Mayor of Westcrown, and not approve one in this format, poorly written, dramatic, and paying no particular heed to the values it imparts."

"So the writing is to be improved, and the values it espouses clarified? My friend claims it espouses the values of hard work and intelligent investigation of the possibilities of magic"

"Yes. If it were - much longer, and written in a more sober and reasonable tone, and more specific, and more closely resembled a history book, then it would be much more likely to meet approval."

"Why longer? Aren't short pamphlets of commercial value?"

"Advertisements are often short. But if a work means to contribute value by improving our comprehension of history or society or magic, it ought to be long, as to permit nuances and clarifications and as to promote sobriety and reason. Histories generally ought to be a book, not a pamphlet."

"This would seem to obviate any historical works aimed at the less literate."

"...yes, I suppose so?"

"So, if it is to be short, it must be an advertisement? My Friend has paid taxes, and there is presently a tax holiday in Cheliax. My Friend, was, like all other residents, pardoned by the Queen (and has committed no crimes since). She is able to graft intelligence onto Badgers (Only) for a Fee of Three Thousand Pounds, which is Legal, and she does not traffic in stolen goods. If My Friend attaches a statement in that vein to the latest effort, and has it attested, it would be acceptable?"

"I will need to get legal review, as it's not just a matter of public morals, but I think ordinarily an advertisement to that effect would be permissible to publish, if your friend is correct that all of the relevant conduct is legal in Cheliax, and that the act of grafting intelligence onto badgers is found legal and not against the public interest in both Osirion and Cheliax. Legal review will typically take two weeks, to allow for extensive correspondence with Cheliax."

"If the advertisement were to be aimed and services offered in this country only, would that timeline reduce? Likewise, does my friend have the option to pay more to shorten it?"

"I think if it's an advertisement for services offered only in Osirion that changes some of the steps of legal review but we'd still need to consult Chelish lawyers if your friend resides in Cheliax and is attesting that she's subject to the laws of Cheliax. If she moves here then I suppose we don't need to interact with Cheliax at all. Legal review can be expedited for a fee."

"Would it help if my friend provided a reputable Chelish lawyer to come here to Osirion? She has one on retainer."

"How do you treat advertisements of major adventurers of no fixed abode? and what the usual fee for expediting this sort of thing?"

"Does Cheliax have at this time any means of certifying lawyers as qualified, or is there anyone here who would have interacted previously with this lawyer and can attest to their capabilities?"

"My Friend's Lawyer had passed the bar under the previous regime, is a delegate to the constitutional convention, and argued in front of the Queen at trial- and won her case, in front of a judge Geased to consider only Law"

"If you bring the lawyer here and pay whatever the legal review office's fee for an expedited review, and the lawyer is qualified to answer the relevant questions with respect to the law of Cheliax, then I would anticipate review could be done immediately."

"I will then notify her. It will take some Moments for her to get here. If that is Everything, I will perform the hopefully- final edit."

Maybe he won't get murdered by a lich today but it's too soon to be optimistic. "I'll refer you to legal."

Margarítē spends ten minutes casting [Sending] in the corner, and performs her final update. 

The legal department is also not happy about taking this case. They would charge hazard fees for lich-related business except they're not sure they'd survive charging hazard fees for lich-related business. They review the whole document carefully to ensure it does not describe anything that is illegal in Osirion. It doesn't.

They don't have to approve it for that reason. They have absolute discretion to deny publications even if the guidelines permit them. It's just that if they don't they'll make an insane lich angry.

Margarítē fans herself ostentatiously, and happily speaks to the legal department. She's very mortal and very cool.

After everything is taken care of, she teleports home. 

Well, not home home. She teleports to a smaller place, that's actually in the sewers. Not too far above, things are happening. 

Soon enough, she's back. With her Lawyer!

Right. Can her lawyer review this submitted advertisement and confirm that all of the described behavior is legal in Cheliax, and that being a lich is legal in Cheliax, and that the advertisement does not seem to the lawyer to be obviously injurious to public morals in Cheliax, assuming it to truthfully describe magical services genuinely available for sale?

Well, there sure aren't many laws in Cheliax!

It is not contrary to law to:

• Be a lich, specifically.
• Have an Immortal Workforce. (I mean, even Lluïsa has one, in her cloak.)
• Animate badgers for... uh, personal use...
• Teach badgers thus animated spells...
• Have a library. (Lluïsa does this too! Sort of, it's complex.)
• Engage in alchemy or accounting.
• Craft and sell magic items.
• Have an Immortal Enterprise.
• Advance knowledge.
• Improve the world.
• Act with virtue.
• Insult the skills of necromancers.
• Swap spell pointers with necromancers.
• Annoy necromancers.
• Lawfully raid tombs. I mean, it says it's lawfully right there.
• Unseal secret passages and fight mummies while dungeon crawling.
• Graft intelligence onto badgers.
• Sell the above service for three thousand Absalom pounds.

It does not seem obviously injurious to public morals, the badger-lich who is apparently her client or affiliated with her client or... something is a beloved local Westcrown character.

She lives in the sewers, reportedly, where many of Westcrown's most esteemed denizens live. Like her colleague Delegate Kicharchu.

The children reportedly love her. No, their parents don't appear to mind this at all.

Well word has it that Cheliax has decided on saving its people from Hell by sending them to the Abyss but it's none of Osirion's business. If the author of the pamphlet will certify its truth and her client's law-abidingness under the current regime, and the lawyer will consult on Chelish law, they will approve it with the following note, which much be displayed prominently:

This advertisement for magical services has been approved by the Osirian Censorship Office as it reflects a real offer of magical services by a law-abiding proprietor who has paid the relevant taxes and fees. It is beyond the scope of this office to advise on the wisdom, morality, or efficacy of purchases of magical services in this case or any other. Customers are responsible for knowing the law in their own jurisdiction and for ensuring their safety and that of the people around them. The ritual by which lichdom is attained is prohibited in Osirion without special permission of the Ruby Prince Khemet III, Pharaoh of Osirion, &c&c&c&c.

Margarítē leaves, briefly. 

No, Osirian censorship office lawyer, I don't know what the fuck either.

Eriape comes in, certifies the truth of this, offers Lluïsa a tiny crochet badger, gives her a thumbs up, and leaves. 

Margarítē comes back a moment later. 

"Well, seems we're done for the day. Thank you all."

And they're all still alive?????

She'll keep it. Pleasure doing business. There is a teleport back, right?

"Oh, Totally. Bam!"

And they're back. 

At least when Cheliax was infernal its problems stayed on its side of the Inner Sea. Except that time they exacerbated the situation in Thuvia to acquire it as a colony, and that time they unleashed the four Pharaohs of the Ascension, and that time they declared war on Osirion because of Inquisitor Shawil .... okay probably it's still good that Cheliax is run by confusing radical Galtans these days.