He's standing in an empty street. Signs are in English and French, not Japanese; the pavement is different; also, a large blonde man just fell out of thin air, swearing in what mostly sounds like English. Briefly, a portal stands three feet above the ground behind him, revealing a wintry landscape covered in gnarled trees, but it swirls shut in short order.

"Fuck," the blonde concludes.

...he can speak English. Mostly. Enough to say "What?" in that language, at any rate.

He looks up. "Oh! Human. I guess that, uh, follows. Um." He waves halfheartedly. "You're dreaming?"

It's not the worst explanation he could have given, frankly. It'd explain why he's naked.

"—I'm... not?"

He has definitely noticed the nakedness, and—the man presumably did not mean to be naked in a street after falling out of a portal so he tries real hard not to ogle too much.

(That is a lie but he can look while pretending not to look, that'll give him magic, too. Magic and bonus hot naked dude.)

"Yeah, that wasn't going to work." He sighs and looks around. "I... hm. Do you know where we are?"

He looks at the signs. "...Canada? Again: what?"

The man shrugs eloquently. "I just fell through a Way from the Nevernever and landed here. I'm a sorcerer, which is like a wizard who doesn't have a license. I've never actually met another human before, I don't have a ton of context for how much of this is new, what exactly is the what, here?"

"I don't know what a 'Way' or 'the Nevernever' are, as far as I knew there was only one type of magic and 'wizardry' was not it, I was in Japan on my way to a date not two minutes ago before I suddenly found myself here, and you emerged naked from a portal in the middle of a random street. That is the what," he says archly.

"Huh."

The man considers.

"You're actually more lost than I am. That's kind of impressive. ...Sorry about your date. And the nudity."

"Unless you're saying it's your fault I'm here instead of where I was I don't think you should apologise about the date. The nudity is more plausibly your fault, but I'm not going to complain about it." He steals a glance at more of the nudity then grabs his phone and looks at it instead, which makes him frown. "And I have no signal. Drat." He looks up at naked again. "I'm Kaede. Modulo circumstances, it's nice to meet you. So how lost are you?"

"I'm Ari! It's also nice to meet you! And, um, I'm lost enough that I only circumstantially know that Canada is a place? I was raised in the Nevernever, it's a parallel plane of existence. I know some stuff about this world. Like, they use money? And the geography stays the same instead of shifting around constantly, which seems kind of boring honestly but probably safer than the alternative. And there are way fewer angry goblins who want to kill me, which is why I'm currently here."

"And do you have more of an idea how you happened to be here than I do?"

"Yep! I was being hunted by goblins and I found a Way. Uh, a portal. My options were 'go to the mortal realm' or 'probably get eaten,' so I jumped through and closed the door behind me. Not really sure where I go from here, full disclosure, but I think I'm coming out ahead as long as I get through the next couple of days with a minimum of dying."

"...okay. Why were you being chased by goblins and why were you doing so naked?—and aren't you cold?"

(Kaede is so appreciative of the nudity, Ari has no idea.)

"Goblins don't need a hell of a lot of incentive to chase tasty-looking humans. I don't tend to wear clothes, faeries don't care so much about that kind of thing. Aaaaand no, no I am not. I don't get cold. Magic." He twists to point out an intricate tattoo on his shoulderblade.

(He looks like he might have an idea! Or some idea, at least. Or maybe he's just a very happy person.)

Eyebrow raise. "While I think the world is made brighter by the sight of you unclothed, human society frowns upon public nudity. It's a crime most places, even, although maybe not in Canada where it's merely usually too cold for anyone to want to be naked. So maybe the first order of business is trying to find you clothes so that I don't have to leave you standing alone in a back alley somewhere."

"Oh, yeah, I did know that, I just thought we were getting on fine without them. Um, clothes... failing all else I can conjure some, they'll dissolve at sunrise but that's probably long enough to find clothes more conventionally. It'll take me like fifteen minutes, though. Any ideas from the extradimensional corner? You said you've got some kind of magic where you're from too; does that include pants generation?"

"I think we're getting on perfectly fine without them and if you wish to do away with them once we're in a place we're less likely to shock poor old ladies I am fully supportive of your decision but we should in fact find such a place. And no, the kind of magic where I'm from doesn't really do conjuration, but an alternative suggestion would be me finding some to purchase. I don't know my way around nor what time it is and I definitely don't have Canadian dollars on me, though, so your method is probably better."

"Alright, then. The magic's going to be kind of boring, sorry."

He peers thoughtfully at the asphalt, then bends down and pulls off a decently sized chunk next to the curb. "Where should we go so I can draw a circle, d'you think? Sidewalk, alleyway, rooftop?"

"—that was hot, how the heck did you do that," he wonders. "Er, rooftop I think."

"Earth magic! I can do a lot of stuff with rocks. For example, this particular rock has always dreamed of being a piece of chalk, and I am going to make that happen."

He sizes up a nearby wall. "Does your magic do wall-climbing, or do you need a boost?"

"I could plausibly use it for wall-climbing but I'm not going to refuse the boost."

"Can't argue with that," Ari says cheerfully. He gestures at Kaede and incants "Federleicht," and there's a faint lurch as gravity gets a little bit less. Then Ari sweeps him off his feet into a bridal carry, bends his knees, grunts "Bergsprung," and leaps onto a nearby fire escape. He jumps twice more between opposite fire escapes (surprisingly quiet, for a grown man power-jumping off a rusty metal platform carrying another grown man) before landing on a concrete rooftop.

He gently sets Kaede on his feet. "Boost!"

That was really really hot. Kaede maybe clung a little too his neck while being carried.

"Your magic system is way flashier than mine," he comments. "Mine's all about subtle changes. Is there a cost to doing magic?"

"Oh, yeah, it's really draining and it can really mess you up if you mess it up, gives you aneurysms and whatnot. And it breaks modern technology, whatever 'modern' is nowadays. And, uh, don't use it to kill humans or mess with people's brains or resurrect the dead or other miscellaneous shady shit, it'll fuck with your head. But otherwise it's a pretty sweet deal!"

He grabs his phone, tries to turn it back on, groans. "Coulda warned me about the technology part."

"Well, shit," Ari says. "Sorry about your rectangle. ...Expensive rectangle? Probably expensive rectangle. Sorry."

He sporfles. "My rectangle," he says, amidst giggles. "Nah, it's fine, my magic's good at fixing stuff. I just need to find something else that's relevantly not broken."

Ari thinks about it, then points at his apparently sole possession, a heavy ring on the middle finger of his right hand. "This magic ring that makes me good at punching isn't broken? If that's not relevant enough, I'm probably going to just instantiate some pants and we can go scavenger hunting for a working rectangle to copy off of."

He looks at the ring (and uses that an excuse to take a step closer), then says, "It... would probably count but I think my magic would grumble at me a bit for it. Doesn't need to be another functioning rectangle, though, it can be some other form of 'modern technology.' But anyway how does it work, how does a ring make you good at punching?"

Ari flexes his hand out and into a fist. The dark stone set into the ring glitters faintly in the dark. "Hm... It's hard to explain properly without a backing in thaumaturgy, but you could say that it pretends, under certain circumstances and to very specific laws of physics, that it weighs several hundred pounds."

"...ouch. That would make a punch more effective, yeah."

"Yep! It helps level the playing field when you're fighting an ogre. Or if you need to break through a wall."

Ari crouches and starts drawing runes with the asphalt, which leaves a sooty line behind it like a stick of charcoal. His handwriting is impressive, especially considering the instrument.

Yep. It's the handwriting he's impressed by. For sure.

There are many impressions to be had here!

In short order, a four-foot diameter of rooftop is covered in black script, with a three-foot-diameter circle notable by its absence. Ari stands up and claps his hands together. "So, pants are about to happen. Please, please do not interrupt me while I'm chanting; I've made it this far with all my eyebrows, and I'd prefer to continue that way. Is there anything that should happen before pants?"

"Oh, so many things, but they can also happen after pants."

"Excellent. In that case, I'm gonna be boring for several minutes."

He crouches down again and, with a single broad sweep of his arm and an anatomically fascinating twist of his back, draws a perfect circle around himself, threading the needle between half a dozen sigils. Then he sits cross-legged, closes his eyes, and begins chanting in Old High German.

It is, in fact, kind of boring. Apart from his continued nudity, which may still be a source of interest to some.

When you're getting magic from it that does make it more sustainedly interesting, but that's not a source of limitless interest. Still, it's only a few minutes.

Toward the end of those minutes, a cloud of shimmering grey... something slowly materializes. It spins itself into thread, which fast-forward weaves itself into a pair of breeches around Ari's crossed legs. The breeches are excessively tight by any reasonable standard, but they're slightly less obscene than the immediate alternative.

Ari's eyes open and he hops to his feet. "Pants!"

"—well at least now you're not breaking any laws. So I should probably find somewhere with a working television or something."

"Yes, let's fix the rectangle. I wonder if you could protect it with your kind of magic, somehow? It fixes; can it prevent something from needing to be fixed? Or is that nonsense?"

"It can make stuff more resistant to damage and such, for sure. I'm not sure about interacting with other types of magic, though, since I didn't know any other types existed and I think the other people I know who practise it didn't either."

"Science, then!" Ari rubs his hands together. "I quite like science. Though probably it should be saved for when we have worked out things like food and shelter. And less temporary pants. Do you have any human currency? I can find or make gemstones pretty easily if no, assuming those can still be exchanged for human currency."

"I have, er, a credit card and Japanese currency, let's see if I can use the former to acquire money. Gemstones—can be useful but it'll be hard to sell any in a non-suspicious way, can you make jewelry?"

"Um... I can work with metal it's just hard, I could make, like, a kind of shitty ring with a really nice diamond in it? Or just, like, a string of jade beads, if we can find a string."

"The problem with gems is that really expensive ones usually have a trail so you'd need to sell them to someone pretty shady for them to accept them no-questions-asked. String's a good idea, I don't actually know how much fanciness starts straining credibility."

"...I was going to go with 'my moderately beloved grandmother just died and left me the poorly documented contents of her jewelry box', but I guess you're saying that would have some kind of legal evidence? Man, humans are complicated now."

"That could work if the contents of her jewelry box were not, er, a huge diamond or whatever. I have never actually sold precious metals and stones to know all the ropes, it could be easier than I'm guessing. But yeah, complicated. Let's deal with fixing my phone first and then see whether I can make do with already-existing money without upsetting the economy much?"

"Right, the expensive rectangle. Are we getting down off the roof separately or together?"

"I still appreciate being carried by you but if it's gonna run down your magic battery I can do it."

"Eh, I still have to do it for myself, it's fine." Once again, he reduces the effect of gravity with a quick incantation and sweeps Kaede off his feet. He hops onto the fire escape and descends the stairs, his footsteps still surprisingly quiet. When they reach the bottom, about ten feet off the ground, he steps off into thin air and falls, slowly, to ground level. He then puts Kaede back onto his feet.

"Alright, let's go find a place where something technological is working."

"Onward!"

This is a city, but it's not New York; apparently, Canadian cities do in fact sleep. The streets are more or less empty. While they look for a 24-hour establishment with functioning technology, Ari occupies himself peering intently at the chunk of asphalt in his hands and muttering in German under his breath.

"Do you know how much carbon there is in this?" he asks Kaede idly. "I'm kind of shit at scrying."

"Uh, not offhand, I could look it up once we've fixed my phone, why?"

"Trying to figure out if I can make diamonds with a ton of it." He mutters very pointedly in further German and hums thoughtfully. "...weird," he diagnoses. "And hardly any carbon at all. Are large amounts of coal available for purchase anywhere?"

"How large? I can get you bags without it being too suspicious."

"Um, depends on the quality of coal and how many diamonds we want? Somewhere between a few pounds and about a hundred. Assuming 'bituminous' and 'a few large stones', about-" He gestures to indicate a bag the size of a human child or unusually large dog. "Yea much."

"Yeah I can get you that no problem."

"Excellent!"

Meanwhile, they've arrived at what looks like a Target or similar shopping center. "Do you think this place would have working electronics?"

"Yeah definitely. ...they might have rules about partial nudity but if there are no signs about it..."

Any signs about it?

Ari lacks both shirt and shoes, which a small sign pointedly informs them means no service.

"I can wait outside. ...probably should anyway, considering, you know, technology."

"Yeah, fair enough. I'll be right back."

Into it he goes.

It's not hard to find working electronics. Here's a flip phone!

Oh good, that's even easier. He grabs the flip phone, then his phone, looks at both of them—

—then turns his phone back on. Good as new! And out he goes.

Where Ari is engaged in conversation with a moderately shady-looking gentleman! When he sees Kaede he says his goodbyes and trots over to him. 

"That man thought I was a prostitute," he says thoughtfully. "I can't believe I didn't think of that."

"—didn't think of what? Doing sex work as a way to get money? I suppose that would be a possibility. Most people wouldn't want to, though."

"Why on earth not? Do they not like sex?"

"Oh they like it but they have lots of taboos around it, like, you're only supposed to do it with someone you love or are married to, or if you pay for sex it must be because you're incapable of getting it without paying and that's shameful, or if you do sex work it's because you have low self esteem or you're abused or." He shrugs. "People are very silly about sex."

"That does sound very silly. Faeries are much more sensible. ...sort of. For a value of sense that includes slavery. But they're not silly about it."

"I mean, humans used to have slavery too so it's not like we're much ahead."

Ari shrugs.

"So... What now?"

"Now I need to actually use my phone and figure out why I don't have signal. I wonder if this place has WiFi."

"Those are words!" Ari agrees.

He laughs, shakes his head, and checks for WiFi signal—they're still right next to the store.

There's a signal! Seems compatible enough with his phone.

Oh good so he can connect presumably and figure out what year it is.

Looks like it's 2002.

Alright...

So he should send Kyoya an email. Can he?

The mailer daemon seems to think Kyoya doesn't exist. Or at least doesn't have that email address.

...does Kaede's email address exist?

Nope!

"Okay, confirmed alternate universe. Or timeline, I guess."