hi pax,

hope your weekend is going well. :) i just wanted to check in about your test results. is there a time soon that works for you to discuss them?

here's a link to my schedule.

- avalon

Avalon has written a very informative email that sets Pax at ease. It's probably a confidentiality thing but Pax would really like to know. 

Pax opens the schedule. Avalon marked themself available on Saturday, not even that surprising, and Pax schedules the appointment for later that afternoon under the principle of getting it over with.

They open the aquarium hobbyist website but their focus is not great. 

Pax arrives at the virtual meeting with a bandaid on their chin because they remembered to shave like 10 minutes before. 

Meanwhile, unclear to Pax if Avalon has ever shaved in their life. They're glowing. Which is not a filter. They look like this when Pax and Avalon meet in person too. 

Avalon smiles at Pax. "Hi there, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine. Can we talk about the test results?"

Yes, that's in character for Pax. Avalon tries not to take it personally. Pax has a lot of not-so-good experiences that color all of this, though to be honest Avalon only knows the skeletal outline. 

Well, it's also normal to be nervous about a meeting like this, and Pax tends to appreciate clarity and directness very much. 

"Yes, I wanted to check in with you but it's of course okay if you want to skip to the results. I apologize for the ambiguity but I needed a secure channel like this to share any specifics of your testing."

"Yes, I am curious about that. And somewhat concerned about my academic future."

"That's understandable, Pax. But I actually wanted to focus on the non-academic aspects of the testing. We can set up a meeting with an academic counselor if you're worried about that end?"

"...I'm doing a lot better on that end. You said the self-care essay was good."

It had so many shrimp in it. And Pax cited some studies they found about aquaculture and mental health. This is a 90th percentile self-care essay, unless the people assessing just hate shrimp in which case they are evil aliens.

Yeah, Avalon knows exactly the essay. Avalon has cited that essay multiple times in conversations with higherups. Pax is making progress even if it sometimes doesn't look like other people's progress. 

And on a personal level? It has been lovely to see Pax with a hobby. Something that makes their eyes light up. Or, in this case, makes them type 2000 words without being prompted. Avalon helped them edit down which isn't strictly their job but also not not their job? Sometimes you have to be flexible in this field. Uh, a lot of the time.

Anyways, Pax is totally going to find their niche, they just need the time and support. And now we have one more piece of the puzzle of what's holding them back. 

But oof, Pax doesn't like change. So Avalon is not expecting Pax to react super well. Let's be delicate about this.

"The self-care essay," Avalon says, "was amazing. And this isn't about your well-being per se. But it could be important for understanding your needs a little better? This is actually about your gender score. Which may be a little surprising, I know."

"...Should I not have left the answer boxes blank?"

I mean duh, that's exactly the kind of thing that gets your apps put in the slush pile and never let into college and Pax is probably never going to get a chance to actually prove themselves now, are they!

Sometimes you're not as hard to read as you wish you were, Pax. :(

"No, that's an optional part of the application. I understand the worry Pax, but that's actually consistent with the rest of your answers. You scored in the Agender range this time."

"Oh. Okay. So that's actually maybe good for my college application, if I'm Agender on paper?"

Pax expects Avalon to have magical knowledge of the algorithms the academic system uses re: demographics and admission. Whatever, it's a nice compliment and Pax seems to be taking the news better than expected.

"Hmm, I'm not actually privy to that information unfortunately. It certainly won't hurt your application. Again, an academic counselor would have more information about this and I can put you in touch with one if you want."

"I guess that could be helpful. I know my Gender automatically changes in the system and that's public. So not much to do there. Am I also supposed to tell people that I'm Agender now?"

"Oh, yes, I did want to talk about the practical aspects of gender reassignment. I don't know how much you know about that. As I understand it, you kept the assignment you got at puberty until now?"

Avalon actually knows it for a fact because they have access to so many Pax records but they <3 hedging, it sounds less all-seeing eye, which is not their aesthetic at all. They really try not to clobber people over the head with the asymmetry. 

Yeah, some adult with a lanyard asked Pax if they wanted to go on puberty blockers but that's pretty normal, and it wasn't a high priority. Going to a gender clinic is just objectively way more steps than learning to shave even if shaving is annoying. They barely remember taking the test the first time around, and were probably kind of sleep-deprived that day because they had just gotten a bunch of books about long-lost societies that were their favorite thing...

"Yes. It is a bit strange to be a Man at age 14."

Yes, here we go.

"I feel you, Pax. Actually, I hate to say this or dictate how to feel about this but I am not sure the specialists involved in your case made the best decision. Or perhaps they made the best decision they could at the time, but we're always learning about gender and gender itself can evolve. That's why retesting is so important. So you can find what really works for you instead of relying on old stereotypes."

"It's okay. I don't really think about it most of the time. Man and woman and agender and queer are just kind of... words." 

"Yes, I think a lot of Agender people feel that way. Agender-2 people particularly and that's how you scored. Agender-apathetic."

"Socially, I guess most people call me they anyway, so it's not too bad. The ones who have known me for a while, I guess there aren't a lot of them, can keep on using he/him. Not like I suddenly care."

"That's very adaptable of you, Pax. I'm really proud of you for how you're handling this. Well, I'm sure some people do care about addressing you in the proper way for your Gender, but it may take an adjustment period."

"I don't see why they should put in that effort to switch. That's way more thought than I put into my Gender. Can't we just not do this?"

"Gender is important to them even if it may not be from your Apathetic point of view. What you may find helpful is a context where you can talk openly about these feelings without making other people feel they're in the wrong for how they interact with Gender. We have some resources for Apathetic people that you can explore. You're not alone at all in this."

"Honestly I just call everybody they and that works fine. Resources don't seem to be necessary for someone as apathetic as me. Can you refer me to the academic counselor?"

"Let's unpack that a little, Pax. You say you feel apathetic but it also sounds like you have some strong feelings on how society should handle Gender. They/them is a good default, but when you know someone's actual Gender, you should use their actual pronouns, right?"

"Yes, that's what I've been doing. I don't think we need to 'unpack' this because it's never come up before. You'd know if I had."

Avalon just handled Pax a rope and Pax is throwing it on the floor for being a bad texture.

"Okay. I hear you. It... hasn't been a problem, but this adjustment period can bring up some intense feelings as you realize the ways your Gender makes you different from others. Some people say it's like going through puberty all again. Metaphorically, in some cases. I'm going to give you the link to the website and you can pick whatever activities look relevant?"

"Or you'll be forced to put a note in my file?"

Okay, yeah, this is about more what Avalon expected from a Gender Reassignment conversation with Pax. But it sounds like Pax wants Avalon to be direct. They can be direct. 

"Yes, the policy is that I would have to write that you're not engaging with services and potentially that you are showing some non-cooperative attitudes around gender diversity. Your feelings are legitimate but in combination with refusal... It's not reassuring from a certain point of view. Accepting services would tip the scale. A lot."

It's going in the file either way but the stuff about refusing services does look a lot worse.

"I have a lot of stuff coming up this week. But I'll look at the website I guess. Does it have to be this next week or the next month or what?"

Pax has, what, 15 hours of stuff scheduled? But it is probably quite hard for them. 

"That sounds like a good idea. Next couple of weeks would be best, yeah. And let's meet on Monday to see how you're adjusting to reassignment? That's policy, not a request, but Tuesday is also fine and I think you mentioned schedule openings."

"Mentioned" is an Avalonism for read it in the files. Pax may have a little trouble with social cues sometimes but their memory is fine.

"Monday I have the bookclub but I can do the morning.

Thank you for being honest about what would happen if I didn't pursue the gender thing."

;_;

Yes, here's the reason Avalon fought so hard to keep this case. And also Avalon is a little worried about what would happen if Avalon burnt out. They wouldn't be the first. They're trying to push back on some of it but it's a tightrope over a shark-filled bay.

"Yeah, no problem, I'm here to help," they reply, then log off. The call was only thirty five minutes somehow but they really don't feel like doing the notes right now.

Pax sits in their room kind of staring into space for a while. 

In a somewhat nicer neighborhood of the city and a much nicer apartment, Avalon is doing the same thing. 

The case notes are going to need a lot of delicate phrasing and their brain is kinda fried.

This was supposed to be the last round of testing for a minute before Pax got into college and converted themself into someone who could be left alone for a few months of their life.

It wasn't like they wanted to tell people about that either, but whenever they tried to write about anything else it was just... bullshit. And Pax hates bullshit. Which is why this Gender thing is so infuriating, really. Everybody is all "be respectful" and "be polite" and then they actually demand way more than that. 

And the thing is, someone else probably could have gotten away with not going, but Pax doesn't know the secret passwords that cause people to interact with Pax like Pax is a reasonable person.

Avalon is probably worried about them. Avalon actually cares and that's actually worse, but it does cause them to put up with far more than the average person in their position and Pax is not strictly above using this. 

Pax kind of wanted to be able to say goodbye and have that be a happy thing, a mutual let's be done with each other good job. And now the clock is resetting again. Pax is a worrisome person.

Pax looks at the agender resources website on Sunday night because they know Avalon will ask about it.

The website has run-downs describing different types of agender people, as well as the different agender symbols which Pax is obviously familiar with (if not always good at parsing at a distance in public). Pax has obviously met agender people but some of the subtypes are kind of rare compared to what they're saying Pax has. There's a kind where you get really unhappy about puberty and want a more neutral body. Pax has never heard the name pronounced out loud. They wonder if this gender was first discovered in France.

In the section on understanding whether you are agender, there's a warning that gender questioning can be distressing when undertaken alone and any individuals who feel unhappy in their current gender should contact a professional for guidance. There are also a few stories where people talk about how glad they are to get help. Conversely, if you attempt to figure out your gender on your own, you may end up "self-misgendering", which can result in gender dysphoria, a serious psychiatric condition that is luckily rare today thanks to the adoption of early prevention measures and testing.

There's a support group for Agender Apathetic people in the city the next week. It will take a bit of time on public transit. There's also a social media platform called Shrug Hug, and that seems like low cost of entry so Pax makes an account. 

They spend the rest of the weekend on aquaculture websites. There's a cafeteria a block away where Pax has unlimited swipes, and they have noise-canceling headphones so they don't have to feel social about it. 

On Monday, Avalon asks them how they're feeling about the news. They keep forgetting that they're technically a different gender before than they were. Or were always this gender and have been discovered to be it? Probably if they start trying to have opinions about this someone will be upset with them. In practice they have one more thing to compete with following their whims.

On Thursday, Pax heads to a part of the city they don't visit much to a big building with lots of glass which is part of the Gender Diversity Complex. There's a chandelier type thing except it's a big tangle of ribbons of glass that are bright orange and purple. You can be as clueless as Pax about gender and still find seeing the actual main building of the Gender Diversity Complex mildly surreal. It's iconic!

Pax goes to find the directory to figure out what room is relevant. There are portraits lining the walls of famous people who defied expectations around their genders, the sort of person you recognize from school. Under the portrait of Marsha P. Johnson, an activist from the twentieth century, there's a note that we may want to make sense of her using the gender categories that we are used to, like "man" or "agender" or "woman" or "queer". For a while, many advocates against gender essentialism claimed Marsha was a trans woman (someone who was originally assigned male but reassigned female). Unfortunately, psychometrically valid gender testing did not exist during Marsha's lifetime. Even if it did exist, Marsha faced poverty and was labeled as Black by her society, so she likely could not have afforded it. We can never settle the debate about past people's proper gender assignment, but we can be thankful for the progress we've made!

They're meeting in the Andrew Hussie Room (named after a famous gender apathetic person, though this is anachronistic). Technically, the meeting doesn't start for a couple minutes; Pax is miraculously early for once in their life, though it's a close thing. 

Pax briefly wonders if they should knock on the door, decides that's stupid, and goes in. 

It's a classroom type space with a whiteboard and rows of desks, room enough to fit like twenty to thirty people. 

A heavy-set, thirty-ish person with a dark beard is at the front of the room, writing on the board.

"Should I sit down?" Pax asks. There's only a couple other people in the room. 

"You can do whatever!" says the person in the front. They've finished writing their questions ("Name, pronouns, favorite part of being agender 2?") and are stepping back to assess whether it's legible. "Make to sure to sign in with the QR code though."

That does not provide Pax with useful information about how they're supposed to interact with this space.

They decide to sit in the second row, which is a respectful enough distance that nobody can complain about Pax seeming creepy. They even had the wisdom to bring a notebook to doodle in.

"Looks like we have everybody," says the leader at 6:35. "I'm River and I'm glad you could make it out here. Let's go around and say our names and pronouns. Also, for the ice breaker question this time I thought we could say our favorite thing about being agender 2!"

There's a person in the front who has a black bob haircut and a teal hoodie.

"Hi, I'm Leslie and my pronouns are they/them. What's my favorite thing... Uh, learning about stuff in history class and just being glad I'm not part of that because I don't care about gender. They were like... gender fanatics, they were extremists back then. All those horrible things, like the cults and trad wives and that whole time period. And I'm not the same gender as any of them, so I just count myself out of that."

The leader nods thoughtfully. "It is pretty sad learning how destructive gender has been even in recent history, though I'd like to push back on that a little and say that many men and women and queer people today are also grappling with the same problems as agender people. Who wants to share next?"

A short person with light brown skin and an Afro in an oversized band T-shirt shares next. 

"Hi, I go by Ray, they/them I guess. Just finding this plan is good honestly. Like, when I was in a teenager I lived in a more, like, it was a small town area. I say Iived on a collective farm and everyone is like oh cool you're so lucky. But everyone else was like, obsessed with gender and your parents will try to get out of you taking the tests and stuff like that and there's like maybe one person I thought was like me but they ended up changing their gender. I think there's been some efforts to like clean it all up and make sure everyone gets an honest test because honestly in this time period there's no excuse. But a lot of people out there are stuck in their ways sadly. And anyways it's good to know people like me exist, thanks for hosting this."

"Thank you for that. Yes, some of us are still falling through the cracks of a system that is supposed to be universal and accessible to all. And I think luckily people have been realizing that the farms have had cultural problems and making some progress on that end." 

Eventually they come to Pax. 

"Hi, my name is Pax. I don't really care about pronouns... I guess I'm supposed to use they/them, right? As for my favorite part of being agender, I'm finding that a little paradoxical because inherently, gender doesn't mean anything to me. And supposedly, I'm not the only one."

"That's a fair question, Pax. But I'll put it this way-- we may not personally care about gender, but we still have to interact with a society that cares about it. We're going to be frustrated and confused at times and that's legitimate. But we can help each other through it. And we can learn empathy for those who are different from us. Without that empathy, without that tolerance for difference... we're nothing."

Ray raises their hand.

"Ray?"

"Yeah, I guess I just... feel weird about what you said. Sorry. It's just like... I don't think people in my home town should just be left alone because of tolerance or empathy or whatever. I grew up forced to believe some crazy things and you know what's the worst, I thought I was the crazy one. Sometimes I still feel ashamed because I'll never have a husband."

"Right, we have to draw the line in the sand somewhere with what we tolerate! There are some people whose lifestyles are demonstrably harmful to themselves and others. And of course we can't stand by and let future Rays be taught there's anything wrong with them. What do you think should be done about these regressive ways of seeing gender?"

"Uh... I don't know... I don't think anything bad should happen to them, I just don't want them to hurt anybody anymore."

"There a lot of opportunities to learn alternatives to these harmful old ways. Full disclosure: I actually was part of a program that went to a rural area and was helping people examine their beliefs around gender and it was amazing how many of them hadn't even thought about it before. I'm ashamed to say that before, I believed that these people were just making a choice to be hateful and honestly oppressive, and I had some pretty harsh views about them. Now I'm passionate that education can play a difference."

"I don't know, I think a lot of them heard and they're just... stubborn. They haven't learned anything from the war. Even though it's their fault."

"I see your point, but let's keep in mind that this would be the grandchildren of the people who fought in the war. They're not directly responsible for what happened then."

"A lot of them think it was good though. They think they can get away with anything out there. I guess I keep hearing like... you need to forgive and move on, we're one big society now, but why should I forgive and move on when those people are so stuck in the past?"

Pax is not even fully sure how they got from gender to the war. Maybe this means shrimp is in bounds as a conversational topic? Oh, who are they kidding. 

"Well, Pax, I guess that's a good illustration of how issues around gender are relevant to everyone, even the apathetic among us," says River. 

"I was recently reassigned to Agender so I'm still kind of lost. Like, what to do about it. I guess medical stuff is out since I'm not... the other one, but I'm not sure what that leaves. It feels kind of semantic."

"Well, you've likely been Agender all your life, so I doubt you have a point of comparison. Fish don't know about water, after all. Maybe you should worry less about labels and more about living your life?"

"Uh, yeah. That would be nice."

Pax is quiet the rest of the meeting, but takes an occasional note in case they're asked later. By the time the meeting ends, it's very dark. 

As the week passes, messages trickle in from Pax's extended social circle, mostly people they haven't spoken to in a while. Everyone wishes them a happy reassignment. It turns out they make a lot of emoji themed around agender-2. Pax tends to ignore the little menu where you can gender emoji, so they wouldn't know. 

Pax's mother cold calls them.

"I'm sorry," she says. "When you got the test I had my doubts. But you already had a lot on your plate. I didn't want to push for you to be retested." Her voice is breaking. "What I don't understand how this happened. The tests are so accurate. This has to be one in ten thousand."

"Have you talked to your therapist about this?" asks Pax.

"That's a great idea," she says. 

Pax keeps Avalon in the loop about everything, of course. 

On Thursday Pax makes the trek to the Gender Diversity Center again. 

There are colored pencils and magazines to make into collages and glitter. 

"We're going to represent what being agender-2 means to us," says River. "No wrong answers. Feel free to get creative with it."

Leslie is wearing a pale purple hoodie today. They're drawing a bird covered in flames the colors of the agender-2 flag. They are a better artist than Pax.

There's a person with their light brown hair in a braid who Pax saw last time but who doesn't really talk, who is hunched over a sketchbook.

Pax takes a couple magazines and scissors to their spot.

Ten minutes later, Ray comes in and sits down by themself, silently. 

"Hi, Ray!" says River. "We're doing something a bit different today. Feel free to take some art supplies."

Ray nods but doesn't get up.

"You don't have to be a quote unquote good artist to do this project," adds River. "It's more about self-expression."

Ray says something like "Mhmm".

"Would you like an alternate activity, Ray?" asks River. 

"It's not that," says Ray. "It's just.... I don't even know. I'm sorry."

"You can share as much as you want."

"I should be doing the art thing."

"It's okay if you're not in the right headspace for it."

"I'm not in the right headspace for anything. Sorry. I know that sounds disturbing, I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I'm just really mad about everything that happened, but I am coping well with it. I told you about my family, right?"

"Yes, you've shared a little about them."

"Yeah, uh, I'm just pissed because I'm going to be in therapy until I'm like forty-five because of them. And I look around at everybody here and it's like they speak... an alternate language, and I need years to catch up. I'm never going to get to just be normal."

"That sounds like a lot to deal with. But I would keep in mind there's nothing wrong with needing that extra support and time to process what you went through. I'm of the opinion that everyone needs therapy, some of us are just more aware of that need. But I know it wasn't normalized in... in your culture growing up."

"Um, no. I'd say it was the opposite."

"So maybe this is coming from that internalized stigma?"

"I guess. See, just this time last year I wouldn't have known that term. I acknowledge I have a lot to learn. But my therapist says I'm actually like going to need this indefinitely. And if I don't get it I don't know that I can really fit in here. But like, I'll take it, I looked at my scores and I know I need help."

"It sounds like you're getting the support you need to adjust to the culture shock of moving here."

"But it just bothers me because I feel like I'm the one being punished."

"In what way are you being punished?"

"Like, I don't know, going to therapy two times a week and the meditation class and having to have my case reviewed. And meanwhile for the people who did this to me, zero. I'm suffering for their poor choices."

"I don't think anyone here wants to punish you, Ray. And we don't want to punish your family, either. Retributive justice isn't something that our society condones." 

"I know, but like... I hate my family. Every time I go out I just remember, hey, your family stole all these happy years from you. You could have been doing all these cool things the whole time. And I don't get how I'm supposed to just move on from that suddenly."

"That wouldn't be fair to expect of you. But there are healthy ways to process these feelings, right? Ultimately, we can't control what happened, but we can control what we do now. We can't go around consumed with our trauma. There's the risk of spreading secondary trauma to others and the risk of acting in ways that don't align with our values."

"I'm not trying to do that? I haven't said anything wrong, right?" 

"No, no, your feelings are legitimate. But as difficult as this learning process can be, there are reasons that it should happen in specific containers like this meeting. Otherwise, feelings can spill out with unintended consequences. And I'm sure you saw a lot of examples growing up."

"Yeah, I did. But I don't know, it feels different. Maybe I'm just blaming others because I'm not used to taking responsibility. Or like, the high standards we have here."

"We do have high standards but we also have a lot of support so everyone gets a chance to grow."

Ray seems convinced that if they just have feelings and problems loud enough they can get out of therapy. Not how that works. But maybe nobody has told Ray that explicitly? River was going really hard on how therapy is normal instead of actually being helpful. 

At the end of the meeting, Pax hands in their collage and mumbles something about being distracted and feeling "creative block". River just nods and says that we can't always be on. 

Pax is usually better at minding their own business, but they find Ray after the meeting. "Apply for college," Pax says.

"What?" says Ray. 

"If you go to college they get less intense about therapy. Once every month instead of two times a week."

"Oh," says Ray. "Is that really a thing? That's cool. I mean, I probably do need therapy though with my scores."

"Okay," says Pax. Hopefully the interaction is over and they can go to the bus now? They wait like 5 seconds to confirm this, say goodbye, and vamoose before Ray has time to respond. 

Generally Avalon wants to hear about unstructured interactions so they can discuss how Pax is doing with those. Usually they can find at least one story about the person who swiped their card at the cafeteria or a recommendation a bookstore employee gave them. And there's a lot here that could be dissected. But they're not going to tell Avalon.

 Ray just seems... pretty angry and who knows what a person like that is going to do. There was this kid Pax knew in high school who was always saying strange stuff in history class. He would wear red white and blue, just skirting the line of what people would notice.

 But one day he stood up in the cafeteria at lunch one day and started spouting off about how we should get rid of this nonsense and go back to just men and women like in the good old days. Within earshot of the table where the queer and agender kids sat, of course. A teacher told him to knock it off and the kid just said that General Armstrong wouldn't bend the knee to the woke menace. The next history class the kid wasn't there and the teacher taught them about the war again, with an emphasis on war crimes committed under Armstrong's supervision. They showed footage. The teacher apologized because she said she knew it was upsetting and said support was available if they needed to process it. It was necessary that the students understood what really happened.

 River isn't wrong that angry people like that are likely to cause big problems for people around them. Maybe it's actually irresponsible to tell Ray how to get out of therapy. But in college people do still check in on you and stuff so it's not like Pax is just letting Ray run amuck. And Ray doesn't seem like the same genre of person as that guy. 

Ray just wants to be left alone.

No schools have gotten back to Pax. Pax meets with the counselor who tells them their application looks strong and they should sit tight for a minute. 

At the bookclub, they're reading a book from the twentieth century critiquing the system that existed back then for dealing with people who caused each other harm. The system was bad for multiple reasons. One, there was a focus on punishing people over rehabilitation. Two, they had high recidivism rates. Three, minorities were overrepresented in the system. The root causes of hurting other people and disrespecting their property are poverty and discrimination, so this can be true even if there is no bias in deciding who should be punished and how much. Four, conditions in so-called prisons were poor; people received bad medical care and there was a lot of violence. 

The book club leader launches a discussion of how society deals with these problems today. Does anyone have an example?

"We try to meet people's material needs," someone says. The book club leader writes MEET MATERIAL NEEDS on the board.

"We don't make places people go to get help pointlessly horrible," says someone else. The book club leader asks them why that may be. "Well, people get better in a nice place like a retreat, not a scary prison," they say. The book club leader writes FOCUS ON COMFORT/IMPROVED CONDITIONS on the board. 

It's been a few months since the club selected a book Pax voted for. Generally, Pax is not very interested in talking about the past unless it's a really different and distant society. It's hard to explain, but people tend to get kind of intense when they talk about the way things were before the war, which has never really made sense to Pax. It's not happening anymore. So there's no need to feel bad. But they wouldn't say that out loud for all the book club to hear. They've tried both expressing their opinions and doodling, and doodling turns out to be the lesser evil sometimes. At least, they've never been talked to about doodling.

They doodle a design for a dream tank. Recently they've become very intrigued by the idea of having a semi-terrarium with frogs on a higher level. They write notes like MENTAL HEALTH NEEDS TAKEN SERIOUSLY and REHABILITATION FOCUS and CRIME IS A MISNOMER? among sketches of river plants. 

After Pax gets home from the bookclub they check their messages. No school has responded, but there isn't anything else grabbing their attention so they go look at other people's tank designs.

On Thursday, River announces they're watching a documentary about the Agender experience.

"This should be required viewing at every high school," says Leslie. "Seriously."

Ray comes in late again, while someone on screen is talking about the moment they got their test results and everything suddenly made sense. River doesn't comment on Ray's tardiness. 

After the film River tells everyone to partner up for a discussion!

Ray moves and sits next to Pax.

The clock informs Pax there are fifteen minutes left in group, and Ray missed part of the movie so who knows how much Ray has to say about it.

Maybe Ray will want to Pax to just recap the part they missed? 

"So what did you think of the movie?"

"I don't know. I don't know that much about cinematography." 

"No I mean like, the stories in it. Did you relate to anyone?"

"Um, not really."

"They did focus more on other Agender subtypes I guess. I mean, for me, I don't really relate but that's because I had a different experience growing up and stuff."

"They were in the city. And one of them was a ballerina."

"Yep. I'm basically an alien out here with like, four arms. Out here people just can't get being told you have to be someone you're not."

Pax was hoping to unlock something more to say in case River asks what their group talked about. So, they probably should keep engaging with Ray and Ray's opinions. Just give them like fifteen seconds.

"By the way, you were nice last week."

"I was nice?"

"Yeah! Your advice helped me a lot. Do you like ice cream?"

"Yes."

"I totally owe you ice cream. I found this place right down the street. It's got kind of insane prices but I can treat you! Thanks to glorious UBI. I forget, is insane bad to say, I can stop."

"Pretty sure that one is judgmental about mental health. Which leads to people being scared to get help."

"I see! See, you're really helpful. By the way, let me know if I make you uncomfortable with my poor phrasing and things."

"I don't determine what's offensive, so not sure why my opinion matters. That's River's job officially."

"Good idea, I could ask them after group. And then let's go get ice cream."

The city is known for its ice cream, but Pax hasn't really taken the chance to check it out since they moved here. There's a lot here that they just don't do. Parks, museums, street festivals. And mostly that's okay. But sometimes it's right there, a ten minute walk. 

Or Pax could get on a bus, put on their headphones, and not have to squeeze their words into a small space of technically true sentiments for the rest of the night. 

Especially with someone from their Agender-2 group.  Oh, the beautiful bonds they'll form there. Part of them wants to refuse on principle. 

Ray probably thinks of them as the same gender.

But that's probably the part of Pax that almost got Avalon to escalate up the chain of command to a faceless somebody. Going out for ice cream, on the other hand, looks pretty good in their file. On the social skills front, the Agender front, actually leaving the house. And they have to care about the contents of that file for a while still, until they work their way out and find a different system to measure their achievements in.

And Ray seems to be like, actually apologizing and stuff now? Pax is not sure what is going on with Ray? Pax is not sure they particularly want to know. But hopefully whoever is monitoring Ray is like, aware that they're trying. 

Pax has been thinking of that guy from high school a lot lately. 

"I'd Iike to try the ice cream," Pax says.

Ray actually goes up to River after the meeting to ask about the "i word" thing. Luckily everyone else has left but Pax has to kind of stand there being a known associate of this person.

"River is chill," Ray says as they leave. 

"I don't really know River well," says Pax. "So I can't say whether they are chill or unchill. Okay, where is this ice cream place supposed to be?"

"Uh, you just take a left past the statue of the Gender Unicorn, it's on Resilience Street."

There is, indeed, a statue of a unicorn. Pax is not sure what is gender about it, but they are perhaps not the one to ask. 

The ice cream shop is called Enchantment. It has a logo with sparks flowering out of a wand. Pax hopes the ice cream isn't like, glittery or something, which would be an atrocity unto ice cream-kind!

"I kind of love this theme. It's like, we're two Agender people and we're glorifying witchcraft. What could make my parents madder?"

Hmm.

"Well, they're not actually witches."

"Okay, but like, my parents don't care about that. They wouldn't let me read any stories with witches growing up. Or magic powers at all. My brother had these comic books though? And I totally read those. Secretly. Except, they would have like, 1, 5, 12, 30, 45. The issues didn't go in order so it was kind of random."

"I've never met someone who cares if people do witchcraft. Magic isn't real obviously but it's not hurting anyone."

"It was confusing how the people in the comic books had magic powers but used them to help people. At first I thought maybe the people who drew them worshipped the Devil or something like that. Or maybe the characters were helped by God? But God was never mentioned, which was weird."

"I don't read a lot of comic books so I can't really say if people who draw them tend to worship the Devil. That's probably fine if they keep it to themselves."

"Comic books are the only thing I've actually enjoyed reading. When I first got here I saw that the libraries have like shelves and shelves just for them and I was so happy about that because I finally got to read the whole stories. That said, some of them are not as good as the versions I created in my head."

"Even though they're written by professional authors?"

"Literally there's a lot that they don't know. Sometimes the world of comics leaves out some stuff. The heroes are amazing. But I feel like I could write more realistic villains just because I lived with pure evil people."

A person outside the shop gives Ray a dirty look. 

"Can we go in and order?" says Pax. 

Ray orders the Moonlight Vanilla, which comes in a waffle shaped a crescent moon.

None of the options look very devil-worshippy to Pax. But apparently Ray's parents are (were?) unreconstructed ruralites who get spooked by all sorts of things. How are these people such a small distance away, socially? That's like, I dunno, hearing about a tiger on the loose a mile from where you grew up. 

There's a Black Cat Sesame, a Love Potion Rose Sorbet, and of course Dark Arts Dark Chocolate (maybe the worst item if you worry about Devil stuff). But there's no pistachio, which is Pax's favorite. 

Pax gets the chocolate. They should probably be concerned about the caffeine content given the hour, but they have kind of a funky circadian rhythm.

The ice cream arrives with little... these are not chocolate chips... chocolate mulch atop it.

"Oh, you got the one with the cacao nibs."

Which are bitter. Super bitter.

"The cacao nibs are the best part."

"Because they taste like baker's chocolate?"

"Baker's chocolate is good."

Well, the rest of the ice cream has known the touch of sugar.

Ray seems to be a weirdly good sport about Pax insulting their taste in sweets. And also, uh, the ice cream Ray bought Pax. 

"Hey, I wanted to ask you something."

"Um?"

"Yeah so you were actually really helpful and chill tonight, it's not just last week. And um, I don't know a lot of people here, particularly people who seem willing to help when I get things wrong. People are kind of intense about things? Which sounds bad. But like, I somehow have the feeling I'm not offending you with all of this. And you lived here all your life. You know things."

The things Pax knows about how to avoid making people intense at things are blindingly oblivious to most people. People learn them quicker, younger, via gentler lessons. It's not like the expectations of the people who make the real decisions are written down somewhere for clueless, weird people to find.

No, they aren't written down anywhere.

Pax looks at Ray. 

"I know some things," Pax says, "And sure, if it's useful information, I don't mind sharing them. But you seem to think I'm some kind of... example person. And I'm still figuring some things out and there are some things that I don't understand." 

"It's going to take me forever to catch up, isn't it? If even you are still learning."

Pax shrugs. 

"I have no idea. You seem to be making language mistakes a lot. Like even just today, the i word and the e word. Is there some kind of course you can take?"

"Yeah but like, I still forget a lot. And even if I do remember, I still said it... It doesn't help that when I was doing the courses I had just arrived and I was severely out of it."

"Redo them?"

"But then I have to admit that I'm d-- a slow learner, and then go back and do it all again. I don't know how I'm supposed to get settled in if I'm always at the most basic level of things."

"Sounds like a therapist question. Is your therapist not helping?"

"That's the thing, I'm probably going to bail on this therapist."

"That seems like a lot more effort than just sticking with them."

"At this point I really have no choice. I swear, they just want me to move on and be perfectly happy. And they just repeat the same stuff about accepting the past. AKA letting my parents win. I figure if I get a different therapist they're going to give better advice. This is like, the best mental health care system in the world,  where are they hiding the good therapists."

"The acceptance thing sounds like normal advice. That's kind of the philosophy they're all trained on."

"Maybe for someone who grew up here there's like... a hidden meaning I don't understand that nobody is going to explain to me. And I mean, I think my therapist is frustrated too. My scores could be a lot better. Probably doesn't look great for them."

"Probably doesn't. Please don't tell me more about your scores. That could get into dicey territory fast."

"Oh, is this a secondary trauma thing?"

"Yeah. And not just to me, all the people in this ice cream shop. Nobody here is qualified to be your therapist, and to be honest I in particular am really not qualified. I have never been the best with feeling type things. I'm on the wait list for a course that hopefully will help with that. There's a whole... rule set around understanding normal disclosures versus secondary trauma. In the meantime, I don't know, I guess I mostly just stick to myself."

"Ugh, why are you being hit with the socially awkward label, that's so sad. You're a nice person, Pax."

"It's just true by any reasonable standard, but there's a lot of information there I'm not allowed to disclose and honestly I don't want to."

"Well, I want to respect your boundaries," says Ray. Time and time again, this response does not fail. "If you give me more details on that course I could join too and we could be buddies!"

"Well, it's more like a learning opportunity, not a social thing."

"It could be both though!"

"Excuse me folks, ten minute warning. The store will close in ten minutes."

They exit onto Resilience Street.

It's become late. The bus line isn't running so Pax is going to take the subway, which their phone tells them is another couple blocks away. The subway makes worse noises than the bus but such is life.

"I'm going to get a train back to my apartment now."

Ray is taking the same train! Legit.

They walk together towards Courage Station. Pax vaguely wonders if this is going to be a themed station or on the generic end of the spectrum. In middle school they had this project where they designed their own transit system and all the stations were themed after different ancient civilizations. They had traveled to the city with their parents and they guess weren't so, hmm, used to it yet. The themed stations they've seen here so far, they do take note of, but they're far less cool than Pax's project. 

"I guess I didn't explicitly ask earlier. But maybe you could help me with some of the stuff that's confusing."

"If you can't ask your therapist then maybe people in our group are a better option. Like, uh, Leslie, Leslie seems pretty attuned."

"Yeah. Fun story, but Leslie isn't talking to me. They actually introduced the ice cream shop to me and I was pretty thrilled because I'm not exactly hanging out with people every week. Plus, another Agender person is cool. And we hung out a couple times. But I guess I said something wrong. I tried like, contacting them and asking what it was, but the messages didn't go through. So when I saw them at group I was like, hey there is this technical error, and they just ignored me. Do you like they're mad at me or something?"

"There's nobody else in the group who could help?"

"I mean, it's not just Leslie. And it's not just this group. At this point, my therapist is legitimately worried about me. And maybe they'll get me more help, like a specialist or something. But it has to be good help and not just like, Ray go meditate. Have I told you that I hate meditation? I am not cut out for the meditation."

"I've heard it's more about the results than the experience."

"Where are the results???"

"There's a lot of information about meditation online I think. And they tend to be pretty lax about your actual performance as long as you show up and don't disrupt the class. I guess that feels dishonest, but I can't always control my brain. I kind of always liked that they said that, that you can't control your brain."

"When I sit there, it's supposed to be peaceful and stuff, but I'm not a peaceful person. I keep thinking about my parents and that just gets me mad all over again. And I hate the stupid decor with the rocks and the background with the mountains and the music with windchimes, it's so... See, I don't even know an appropriate word to say, but basically I hate the whole vibe of meditation and also actually doing it. So that leaves results, which I don't even get."

"You could change studios if the rocks are a big issue."

"No, I think they're pretty much all like that. And I still have this snail brain. Everyone else is just zipping around doing stuff to make them even more loving and accepting than they already were, since they grew up with boundaries and such. Imagine if I'd pulled that one out with my family, they would have... okay, yeah, even I know not to go there."

"Yeah, don't share details like that. You could just try to think about something that makes you happy instead of your family." Like aquaculture. "You like... comic books?"

"Yes! If I make up a story about two superheroes during the session can they, like, tell?"

"...Why would they be able to tell?"

"I don't know. Sometimes I just worry about things. Or feel like people are watching me, in general.'

"Yeah but they can't read your mind."

"True! Wow, you actually make sense. You should be a therapist."

"Would not work out for many reasons. I like designing things better than I like people. I could probably design a meditation studio that was cooler than the ones they currently have. Like the surface of the moon or outer space?

Uh, not that I wish people ill, but barring major advances I'll... probably always cause problems. I know growth mindset and all that, but I got curious once and looked at the research. 

I'm hoping my interests pay off well when I go to college." If Pax goes to college. 

"I saw the drawings you do in group and they're pretty cool."

"Oh. Yeah. Those. I'm not technically skilled but I doodle a lot. They're designs for... well, fish tanks is the term people generally use but it's not super accurate because there is a lot in there that isn't strictly a fish. Um, I'm kind of confused on what a fish is at this point but shrimp and frogs are definitely not fish, that I can tell you."

"I mean, fish are just fish, right? Unless my family lied to me about the definition of a word again. They tend to do that."

"I don't understand why they would lie about fish."

"Well, there are only two genders, Pax! Meeeeeen and womeeeen."

"Yeah, if we're going to interact don't say stuff like that. Even if you're joking?" 

"Yeah well, that's the kind of stuff that would get thrown around back where I come from. And I had to do a bunch of chores that I really hated and have a husband. I mean, they never exactly got to that step. It's so annoying not being allowed to talk about this stuff except with a therapist who is just gonna say the same loop. Beep boop love and light."

"Okay, well, if you say enough offensive stuff someone could overhear and it could be put in both our files. It's technically unlikely somebody cares enough to do it, I think it's a thing where you use best judgment, but bottom line, people report things. And if you want some kind of help from me I would prefer to be able to give that without getting reported." 

"Okay. I will definitely respect your boundaries from now on. I just don't like censoring myself. People are all like, everybody talk about your feelings, but when you do talk about your feelings, bzzzzt Ray you need to work on your emotional regulation here are worksheets. Don't you find that... confusing?"

"Yes, it's incredibly confusing. But to some extent, why dwell on that, I'm solution-oriented. Maybe the course will break it down for me, if I ever make it to the top of the waitlist."

"It's weird. You seem so smart but in some ways you're a lot like me."

"Not entirely sure what you mean by that?" 

"Everyone else is just... hyper-perfect, you know? And it just doesn't seem to be possible for someone like me. But when I tell my therapist that, they're basically like oh nooo Ray struggling is so normal, everyone has room to grow, and meanwhile whenever I get triggered during a session it becomes a whole grand thing."

"Well if you get triggered with a therapist it's hard for regular people to avoid it."

"Yeah, okay, I know I suck at handling at it and should probably just give up."

"Not what I said."

"It feels like people are thinking it!"

"I don't know what they're thinking. Gave up on that project a while ago. I just try to focus on getting what I want out of it."

"And how's that working out for you?" 

"Well, I'm probably getting into college and then I'll be able to just focus on my studies and not spend my time doing stuff I would rather not." 

"Except I was homeschooled and I can't do like, fifth grade math. And my scores make me look like a, like a mentally unwell person."

"They still let people be homeschooled?"

"Not officially."

"I can't imagine people who feel so hunky-dory about breaking the rules like that. Or who believe in the two gender theory, and the Devil, and all that."

"They know exactly what they're doing, they're just trying to stick it to The Man. That's one thing I wish I could make River understand."

"I mean, I think River went over there too. Maybe a different region."

"Nah, they're all the same. River is just like... They're not making a big deal about me being late and they are helpful with questions, but I dunno the word. Naive? Yeah, naive. Part of me doesn't want to forget what I've learned and become a naive person. I mean, if my parents show up here tomorrow, am I just supposed to hug them and say hey no hard feelings for any of that?" 

"I don't what a therapist would say about that. You really don't want to forgive your parents, huh?" 

"No. Absolutely not. I'm done doing that one big happy, Jesus wants you to forgive, family stuff."

What does Jesus have to do with any of this?

"I think our train should be here in five minutes, by the way. 

Oh. Um. I've never really had to deal with people like your parents so I don't think I fully understand. And I'm not fully comfortable hearing, because I legitimately don't know what to say. People really don't talk about this stuff, except with their therapists and in specific groups. 

Though it probably doesn't feel as bad as it's supposed to feel when someone talks about stuff like this. Probably that's related to how weird I am in general."

"You know, when I first moved here, I was like being taught the feelings wheel and stuff. Part of me is like, I'm not a child so there's no need to teach me kindergarten stuff, and part of me was like, wow, all these nice people want to talk about my feelings. And how to handle it when I get upset. Cool. Before that. I wouldn't say I was a feelings person, I was mostly a superheroes person. Because it's not like feelings are helpful, right? They just remind you of all this stuff you want that is probably sinful or you can't have because you're poor. Which, by the way, people in the country are poor. But they just say we're not gonna be reliant on any government handouts, they think it's totally cool to eat the same foods all the time and wear the same clothes. 

And I eventually got on board with the feelings even though it was hard. Like yeah, feelings are important, whoo. I started sharing and it was nice to be told I was normal. I thought I was becoming more like this place, I could recognize my emotions, I was one of you.

 And then it's like I was unleashed upon the world, and people didn't like that. So I must have crossed the line somewhere, but I don't know, am I supposed to go back?"

"Probably there's some place in the middle. Okay, this is our train, and we shouldn't talk about your family there." 

They ride back home. Ray departs first; Pax rides three more stops and then walks a couple blocks to their apartment.

Ray absolutely needs a hobby. Comic books count as a hobby but you have to actually think about them and not just how your parents were the worst.

It is not Pax's responsibility to help Ray. You can usually do more for your own mental health by engaging with therapy in good faith than attempting to help someone else. And worrying over other people doesn't feel good. That's why everyone has therapy and a meditation class and support groups, so you always know they're being looked out for and don't get dragged down. 

But Ray said their therapist wasn't helping. Or Ray was sabotaging the relationship somehow. Who knows, maybe mindfulness and acceptance and all those classic tools just don't work for them. Is that a way people can be weird? But if it were, they'd probably have done research into it.

It's a little harder to get to sleep tonight than usual. Maybe it's the chocolate ice cream.

Ray gets home, waits a heroic thirty minutes, and messages Pax.

hope you got home safe 

thanks for hanging out with me

you actually tell me when stuff i do is not good instead of ignoring 

wow... :)

Which Pax doesn't see until the next morning, because their settings automatically turn off most notifications around 10pm.

They need to get their day sorted so they don't watch aquarium videos and miss meditation class. How much will a quick reply increase the risk? Unclear.

thank you. accidents on public transit are very rare. main issue for me is the noise

hope the information is useful

Ray, meanwhile, has a new friend (maybe? is that a crazy hope?) and has not been messaged back in many hours. Probably because they said something so vile Pax will never want to see them. Maybe Pax even asked Leslie what Ray said that so bad and now they are texting about just that.

 A small part of Ray says the type of thing they are supposed to do techniques about. But how will deep breathing work during a genuine crisis like this?

It's totally ruining this ceramics class.The government is just handing Ray money to throw in a dumpster and then light on fire. 

When they hear the phone chime they lie about having to use the bathroom and then go look at their phone. 

It's like... four sentences. Both exciting because Pax isn't ignoring them. And if Pax is texting Ray then Pax can't be texting Leslie. Logically speaking.

But oddly disappointing. That it's just four sentences.

What words should Ray use to convey just how certified snazzy and cool the advice is? Pax probably knows a lot of fancy words. Are there any words related to turtles and shrimp that also mean cool, kind, or helpful? 

Ray stares at the messaging window and then writes,

it is extremely useful

[agender-2 emoji heart]

Okay, that flag's color palette is intolerable and Pax wants to get into vexillology just so they can design a better one. They've scrolled past enough tutorials to know how learnable a skillset it is.

...But that involves caring about agender-2 as a concept. And if people did adopt Pax's design that would make them, what, the designer of the agender-2 flag? 

Who even comes up with these flag designs anyway? They vaguely remember reading about a contest in a magazine when they were a kid, which was the last time there was a major update to gender categorization. They were a little confused about it back then and they're a lot confused about it now, when gender actually applies to them and they can't make it go away. 

The contest had seemed cool; Pax had thought a bit about submitting something and proving their mettle as an artist (and they could always say, I'm only 8!)

Back then, the idea of a new gender had seemed so fantastical and exciting. Like something out of science fiction! 

Being a kid was so much easier. 

Oh. Yeah. Ray thinks their advice is helpful.

Pax has never been the hugest fan of text messaging because it takes the problem of exiting and entering social interactions and jacks it up to one hundred, and also people can message them at any time which is very bad. So they simply text back thanks before checking the other inbox, where things break quickly if you do not respond. (In Pax's mind, they imagine this inbox as wearing a tie and a permanent >:( face.)

Aw okay. 

Meanwhile, Pax is heading to the bus stop with their headphones on listening to an ambient album they discovered last month, which very much has a kelp forest vibe.

You know what, on the way home, Ray is going to go to the used book store, the one with a better comics section than the one in their neighborhood.

Even with a whole nook(!) devoted to comics, in a part of the world that has its head on straight about such things, issues six and seven of Indigo Man are nowhere to be found. 

But hahaha they do have issue 11 of The Lotus Master, which Ray hasn't thought of in years. The series that tricked them into thinking meditation gave you badass powers and wasn't about wishing for all beings to have a cozy nap in a hammock. Imagine if Master Ren had responded that way when bandits threatened his village, or in one of the later issues with all the demon and ghost stuff. (That Ray always got extra nervous reading because if their parents saw the word demons Ray would surely regret it. No, it would not help if they explained that the hero was kicking demon butt. Only Jesus is allowed to kick demon butt. Also... some of the demon designs were really cool, or at least, Ray found themself staring at them a lot.)

 Oh holy smokes, is this the issue where Master Ren gets his disciple, the last scion of the evil clan? Ray has to buy it, and they'll tell the shopkeeper to contact them if any of the later issues come in. 

They get to go home and reread their comic without anybody calling them a sinner! Year in and out, comics are there for them.

The disciple, Li, leaves his clan behind and vows to never repeat their evils. But he has no idea how to accomplish that, so he travels to meet Master Ren and bows at his feet. Master Ren says no, he isn't looking for disciples. Perhaps this guy Li just wants to learn a new form of magic, betray Ren, and go back to his clan with the secrets.

Li leaves sadly. On his way into the mountains, he sees a small child fall into the river. The currents are strong. But he can't let an innocent being come to harm! He jumps in...

And manages to swim to shore holding the child, who obligingly doesn't struggle. As he sets them down on shore, the child vanishes into a puff of leaves!

"This is a deed of the brave, strong, and pure of heart." It's Master Ren, who has been hiding behind a tree! "Even though your clan had taught you their wicked ways, part of you has clearly remained noble. The question is... can we cultivate that part? Or will you succumb to the darkness?"

Li swears that he will do everything he can to confront the darkness in his soul, and Master Ren accepts him as a disciple on the condition he devote himself to nobility and good.

Yep, people, this is how you do a redemption arc correctly. The Lotus Master is such a ridiculously underrated comic series. Ray hasn't seen a lot of posts about it in online comics circles and clearly this needs to be rectified. But first Ray has to see if the appeal for their ban went through. Long story short, someone on this one forum reported them for "violating the rules" and the mod took the other person's side. Hopefully once Ray explains what actually happened they will be able to post again. Ray isn't going to just shut up and go away because someone doesn't like their opinion. Obviously they would stop if it were legitimately offensive! But this is probably someone who just doesn't like being told that their precious baby is actually a war criminal! Or someone who's posting weird stuff that comes as close to the line to saying they think a villain is sexually attractive as you can get on these forums. What in the sweet blue globe is wrong with people?

Ray has a new PM from a mod. Let's get this unbanning party started?

The mod says that they appreciate Ray's concern but that Ray should leave the modding to the mods. If they dislike something someone else says, remember to avoid making people feel personally attacked. 

The mod links to a pdf about I statements. Does Ray know that I statements are considered the gold standard of communication?

And there's a link to an AI chat bot Ray can practice with.

When you post that you want Scorpion Man from The Amazing Arthropod to kidnap you, you make me feel like I want to throw my phone out the window and cry.

That's a good try!

Ray doesn't feel like passing an I statement-based CAPTCHA today. Maybe one day they can make their own forum and ban anyone who posts bad things.

Meanwhile, Pax has been at a meditation studio. The teacher instructs them to imagine their thoughts as clouds passing by.

Meditation instructions used to throw Pax for sure. It used to be like, does he mean big friendly fluffy clouds, or stormclouds, or those little fingers of cloud you see sometimes? If it starts raining in their mind should they keep focusing on the clouds or are the raindrops okay?

By this point, Pax no longer needs to ask the instructor so many questions! Apparently, any type of clouds works fine and it's more of how you relate to your thoughts. Maybe Ray is making similar mistakes and that's why meditation sucks so much for them?

Oh shoot those were a bunch of thoughts in a row.