"I don't know."

"I thought if I could- find when you came from, maybe find who you were, that would help- let me understand why you-" Fell? Helped? Still call yourself Sith? Take your pick, really.

Her image sits next to Elesse. "All of the records of my life, or even the lives of those most important to me, have been long lost, I'm sorry to say."

"I can answer your questions myself, but... You'll have to trust I'm not lying to you."

"And, Elesse... It wouldn't bother me if you asked your Master or even another Jedi for a second opinion - you should trust someone who isn't me, too."

"My own Sith Master... She met me under false pretenses when I was still a padawan - when I was a child of merely nine years old, and she slowly isolated me from the Jedi, convinced me I was special, that what we had should remain secret, that no one would understand - I never told my own Jedi Master about her. And when I entered the war, its currents took me even farther away from my Jedi Master. It was... Ironic, in many ways. I was born the child of a darksider and raised as such; my Jedi Master killed the Master of my childhood and took me as her own. I used the light side of the Force solely to make her happy with me, to win her approval - and then I felt like she made no effort to keep me from being swept away from her. I resented her and the Jedi as a whole for letting me damn myself, even as I spiraled closer and closer to the Sith. I stopped trusting her entirely, and she stopped trusting me, until an argument over why I hadn't participated in a certain battle turned into a full blown fight. I killed her; I still don't know if I was thinking of my anger, or simply of defending myself - honestly, it was likely both."

"The woman who would make me into her apprentice among the Sith came to me, then. She rescued me from an almost certain death from my injuries. She made no effort to heal my mind; it was convenient to her that I was helpless, alone, desperate for someone to understand me. It took me nearly two decades to break free of my dependence on her approval; I couldn't see her for what she was until she targeted my own daughter for her next apprentice. I sacrificed my life to kill her; I spent the rest of my daughter's life using the light side of the Force, to make her happy with me. When she died... There was no one whose approval I could win, and it took a very long time for me to find my own identity."

"The dark side is not evil, no more than a literal shadow is. It has its own beauties, its own perils. It took me many more years after my death to appreciate those, and they drew me back to the dark side eventually: a choice I alone made, for the benefit of my own self. I could have claimed any name after that, not just the Sith; but there's a power in stealing the very name of those who harmed me - if in another ten thousand years, the Sith are as I have defined them, that will be the greatest possible revenge against my Sith Master, and against everyone who created her. And... The name remains useful. It got my apprentice to trust me, after all." 

"But there is a great evil in how the Sith have operated throughout history - I do not wish to revisit the evils of my Sith Master, even inadvertently. I do not wish to harm you."

"I..."

"I hope I can believe that."

"I understand."

"I can leave you alone for a time, if you want to meditate on this - or even to speak to someone else. I can stay and answer your questions. It's up to you."

"I," don't want you to go, somehow, "think I need to be alone."

"Alright."

"I'll return in a week, if that sounds good? Or... I might be able to hear if you reach out in the Force."

(She needs time to meditate herself - on if she'll claim a specific period, or if she'll continue to prevaricate, or instead if she'll tell Elesse the full truth, no matter how fantastic that is - on if she'll keep trying to lure Elesse in.)

"A week. Okay."

She fades out.

Too bad Elesse can't fade out.

Okay. She should. Yeah. Hold it together long enough to clean up her study materials and get to a private meditation chamber. And figure all her feelings out.

"You've been quiet lately, Elesse."

"Mm."

"Is there anything I can help with?"

"Maybe. No. I don't know."

Breha waits patiently. Her padawan will share, or not, in her own time.

"How do you tell, Master? If you can trust someone you shouldn't."

"Is this about the darksider you met?"

Fidela, sure. Among others. That we're still not talking about.

Elesse nods.

She had a feeling. Well, it's good this is coming to a head now. Though Elesse has never really been one to let things fester for too long.

"You are normally decisive. What makes you conflicted about this?"

"...My instincts say I can trust her. But what if she's deceiving my instincts, manipulating me?"

"With the dark side, you mean."

"Mm."

"This is something we all must face at some point. No one is infallible. No Jedi is infallible. It doesn't even take the dark side to be deceived. I've been burned by a contact more than once."

Mrr.

"Padawan. The stakes are high, yes, but you have tools. You have the Force, but you also have your own wisdom. You have training, you have our histories. You have me. This is not a burden you need bear alone."

"In terms of concrete steps, do you feel as though your judgement in other areas has been compromised?"

And she has a plan and a path to do that. They went over some mindfulness practices and stories from Breha's time as an active Shadow (which Elesse hasn't really heard much about before; she can kind of see why, given how it's not really the place she sees her time as Jedi leading her) and some resources at the Temple she could take advantage of.

She's a lot more centered by the time the week is up.