He's been at the last fort on the Mendevian side of the border for a day and a half when one of the local soldiers finds him. "Ser, um, Aemine?" He salutes a bit tentatively. "That, uh, Chelish patrol with the cleric is on its way in, did you want to-" His expression makes it clear he's not sure why he'd want to do anything with the Chelish troops if he wasn't ordered to.
"Yes, of course." He didn't exactly volunteer for Chelish patrol babysitting, but he's pretty sure he made a volunteering sort of face before being picked out for it. Or maybe it was just that predictable that, unlike just about everyone at his home fort, he wouldn't mind the assignment. (He's been too happy to mind most things, ever since he got a title that means something. He knows it's kind of disconcerting to all the people who are doing this because they have to, rather than because it's the most fulfilling thing they could possibly imagine doing with their lives.)
"We have a room for them, right? Which one?" He'll make sure he knows where that is, and then wait at the gate for them. Technically his assignment is just to accompany them during further travel, but he might as well get everyone else out of having to talk to them, if they're going to look like that about the prospect.
Once the usual checking-for-demons has been handled, the gate guards admit a standard-sized patrol mounted on the local shaggy black ponies, with a flurry of damp spring snow. The cleric is fairly easy to spot, in a Qadiran-style knotted headscarf and Chelish uniform coat with the insignia carefully picked off, Nethys's divided mask on a leather cord around her neck. She half-slides off her horse and stays hanging onto its neck for a couple moments, in the general bustle of dismounting and checking in and handing off the mail.
She looks like she needs help-- No, you don't touch a woman wearing a Qadiran headscarf-- The conflicting impulses take half a second to resolve into stepping up next to her and asking "Are you all right, Learned? Do you want to come inside?" (His accent is very obviously Taldan. ...Which might not make her comfortable, but he can't exactly do anything about it.)
He is not, in retrospect, sure what sort of cleric he was expecting, given that Asmodeus dropped all of them, but – he would've thought it would still be someone Chelish. She looks so out of place here.
Do the rest of them look like they're worried about their cleric half falling off her pony, or are they too Chelish for that? Do the rest of them look all right, for that matter?
The rest of the patrol looks- well, tired but tired like anyone would be after a long day's ride, not swaying on their feet exhausted. They're not giving off any obvious signs of being worried per se, but if he's looking for it he can tell that one soldier is in easy catching range and the squad leader is keeping half an eye on her from where he's talking with the purser's assistant.
The cleric takes a bit to realize she's being spoken to, but then glances up at him (she's a full head shorter, dismounted). " 'M fine. Where'm I channeling?" Her Taldane is thickly accented, but not quite Qadiran-sounding- Osirian maybe?
Oh good. "Indoors! And after you've sat down and had something warm to eat, unless you're in a hurry. Nobody's an emergency here."
He would like to see her, and preferably the rest of them, inside before wasting conversation on any other topics, if she's amenable to that.
"My fault – yes, of course you'd rather do it quickly and feel better. This way, then." He shows her to a chair next to the channeling podium, and sends a soldier to ring for a channel. (They do have their own cleric, but there's always going to be something an extra one can help with.) "It'll only be a minute - and I assume we should wait for your men too?" It seemed like it to him, but there could be something more complicated going on.
"Mmhmm." She'll let herself be guided and dig a mug out of her bag to create herself a drink of water while they wait, the squad following in a couple of little clumps as they finish up in the courtyard. " 'S no trouble t'wait if anyone's some ways out, we're none'f us injured."
People do start showing up rather quickly – some training injuries, someone burned while cooking, a few people with nothing obvious wrong with them, maybe they just have headaches – but there's enough time for the conversational basics he skipped earlier in favor of getting everyone in out of the cold.
"In the meantime – I'm Marcus Aemine, paladin of Iomedae." He's been told he near visibly glows when he says that, and is trying not to do so much of that in front of (at least somewhat?) Chelish people, with mixed success. "I'm supposed to help you interface with the rest of Mendev, since we were told you wanted to travel further than this fort – is that right?"
Well, she doesn't seem to find Iomedae's name objectionable, so that's good. "Yours as well, Learned." He smiles back, and takes a second to detangle her next sentence. "Some, I think, but it depends on what you're shopping for. We'll go through them and see, in any case. Is it just you going, or some or all of the men as well?"
"We've still discussed this- they are cautious, but I think with a paladin I should be well chaperoned, yes?" She directs this partly at the nearest of her squadmates, who rolls his eyes at her just slightly. "For myself, I seek mainly ink and such spell supplies as that, but I've requests from several among the fort as well."
He looks a little amused at the eyerolling. Chelish people aren't turning out that hard to read, at least with a non-Chelish one in the group to get the tone of the situation from. "In all honesty I wasn't sure how all of you feel about paladins. But I do intend to take my escort duties seriously, and being guaranteed Lawful can't hurt."
(She looked enough like a wizard, on top of being a Nethysian riding patrol without armor, that he's not surprised about the spell ink.)
"Yes, we are." That gets a serious nod.
"And I think so, yes. ...Ah, they have a cleric. Nearly all Mendevian forts do." And of course the Chelish ones mostly wouldn't, would they. "So it's just whoever got injured in the last few hours, and not seriously enough for immediate healing."
"Ah, of course." She nods and gives him another small smile, quickly counts heads for her squad, and climbs up to the podium. She closes her eyes briefly and raises her holy symbol...
...it's the barest trickle of positive energy, any less and it wouldn't be perceptible at all, but it's definitely there and it's healing.
"Oh! I haven't heard about that. How did that... happen...? --Ah, and let's go get you all something warm to eat before I bury you in questions." He leads the way to the kitchen – it's not a mealtime right now, but they knew they were expecting guests, there should be something.
"I- should think, um-" She glances at the squad leader as they head for the kitchen. "Mysterious are the ways of the gods, but certainly there's a great deal of evil to fight here? He'd been already chosen when my party arrived, I fear, I've only been in the north a few months."
And the squad leader doesn't look like he's nearly as talkative around strangers as the cleric is. "My congratulations to him, then! The ways of Iomedae are not usually very mysterious, I think, and of course it makes sense to empower someone committed to the fight against demons, but... you sound like he was an Asmodean before that, not a new arrival like you?"
And they can all get bowls of the leftover stew, though it's not exactly warm, and some bread to go with it. (Marcus gently reprimands the cook about the stew, which should really be hot, for people they knew would be coming in from all day spent in the cold. This elicits subdued muttering about Asmodeans and what a waste it is to try to be pleasant to them like they're normal people. "The Learned is obviously not an Asmodean, and I'd be surprised if most of the men were, at this point." "You know what I mean. That doesn't count." "It's never going to start counting if we don't treat them like it could.")
"Mmhmm." She hesitates, but if there's something else she was going to say she's distracted by their arrival at the food.
Bread!!! Monch monch cronch. (Wow her standards have gotten low.) She pretends not to notice Aemine's conversation with the cook- the men are obviously not going to complain about something as petty as lukewarm stew, and she looks like enough of a baby already, she's not about to be the only one. She does discreetly warm hers up a bit with Prestidigitation once they're settled at a table, though.
...right, making conversation. "And yourself, how did you come here?" That's probably not rude for a paladin, they're probably all here on purpose?
"I grew up in Taldor, realized everyone I knew was wasting their lives on meaningless nobility status games, and decided to go somewhere I can do something that matters. It turned out Iomedae approves." Grin.
"What about you? You're not at all who I was expecting as a Chelish cleric. Although I suppose this year all Chelish clerics have to be surprising in some way, really."
"Oh, I'm not myself Chelish- I suppose my poor Taldane makes that clear." She ducks her head briefly and gives him a small smile. "I'm from Sothis originally, a few months ago my party were- adventuring in the tombs when a trap went wrong. I know not what it intended, but it landed us three days north of the border." It's probably unbefitting for a priestess of the god of knowledge but she's finding herself really reluctant to tell the charming incredibly earnest paladin why they were in the tombs.
"Your Taldane is charming, you just sound like you learned by reading old books."
"Three days north of the border, oof! What a place to end up. Of course it could've been worse – three days on the other side of it, for example – but still. Did you even know where you were?"
She's pretty sure she also has a terrible accent, from the range of snickers if nothing else, but if he's too polite to bring it up she's not going to demur and make him double down.
"Oh, not at all! We had Endures up for the desert or we should've been dead, and I'd hidden my spellbook that morning so I could call it to me, or we should have died on the second day, and we had a camel at first but not the Endure to spare for it, but we just walked south, in case of we found the Worldwound or Tian Xia before freezing, but we knew not if we hoped for this rightly."
Oh she absolutely has an accent, but he can understand her fine when she's not muttering in exhaustion, so it's just interesting-sounding. (It's great how many ways there are for people to not sound Taldan. Of course the prevailing opinion in Taldor was that any other accent was a sign of inherent inferiority, which is what pushed him pretty far in the opposite direction.)
"Well. I'm glad it all worked out all right, when it so easily could've not. And – you decided to stay, since you were here already?"
"Oh! That's very likely, if He only chose you afterward. Though I can see what you mean about the mysterious ways, now."
And he really shouldn't be talking only to her, even if she's by far the most talkative one of the bunch, so the next question can be for the rest of the squad. "And so you ended up with two Good clerics? ...Or positive-channeling ones, in any case." Nethys isn't Good, and while Iomedae's people generally are, the ex-Asmodean might be an exception if anyone would. "I'm glad the gods have been so helpful to you. How is the fort doing, with everything that's been going on?"
They're perhaps not expecting this- there's half a moment of silent glances negotiating before the one who's apparently been nominated speaks up. "We're holding. Artigas's a good commander." After another beat, he adds, "Sensible."
"I'd say it's best of the forts," Khalida volunteers, possibly to fill the silence, "and not merely that it saved my life."
Oh they're so cautious. It makes sense that they would be, but he wonders what they think about him and the way he isn't at all.
"Yes – I expect I would've heard of it if all the Chelish forts were doing as well as it sounds like you are."
"Which makes me wonder why that is. And I'm generally so curious about your commander's story, but I... don't get the impression you're much for... telling people things." He doesn't sound like he's judging them for it, he sounds like he's trying to figure out how to act with them, and would maybe like some help with it.
"Well, it's not a secret..." Khalida glances at the impromptu spokesman.
"He said paladins don't lie, so he ain't," he confirms.
She nods, and continues, "But I don't know much further- he, um, had been dropped, as, um, all of them were, and then one day She chose him anew, same circle and all. But what it was that drew Her attention, he hasn't said, it wasn't, ah, nearly so dramatic as mine." It's transparent bait for a subject change, but hopefully it's clear it's not a demand for one?
He's not sure what it even is that he ain't lying about! He doesn't think he's said anything particularly loadbearing?... Besides being glad of various things going well, which he supposes would tell them he's not secretly ill-disposed to them in some way – even if it doesn't feel to him like something where it's important to know it's definitely true, because why in the world wouldn't it be.
"Wait, you mean he was an Asmodean cleric, before?? That's... ... that's incredibly strange. Not impossible, even without an alignment change, but... he must be a fascinating sort of person, to match Them both." He should... well, pray about it, before he sleeps, but presumably Iomedae already knows what's happening and doesn't need any of it to be different, so after that he should write to someone in the Church who'd know more about it – probably Lastwall – and see if they're any less surprised than he is. Not that he's sure Lastwall will tell him anything, since he's not theirs and they probably don't even know for sure who he is. (Mendev is an Iomedean country, but it's really not well organized or well supplied at it.)
He'll see if any of them will add something, but since the men let Khalida tell the story despite her not having been there for it, he doesn't really expect them to suddenly start talking.
Ah, so it is possible to get them to talk! For the price of making everyone look deeply awkward, so he probably shouldn't keep doing it.
"That must've really been something." He shakes his head in amazement, trying to imagine what the situation must've felt like.
"So, is he in contact with anyone? Lastwall, I'd guess? Well, for all I know he's been talking with the Mendevian Church and it's just that nobody's had reason to tell me anything about it."
"Oh good." Well, part small talk and part checking who he can write to if he wants to verify this story and find out how they verified it, because surely it could be some more complicated thing going on, even if he doesn't really expect it to be.
"Well, do you want to tell me your dramatic story? ...Or you could just finish your food and go rest and make travel plans," apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrogate you, it just sounds like there's been so many interesting things going on over there."
"Oh, I'd not taunt you and then not share, though it's scarcely so dignified. I, um-" no, strange paladins probably don't want the technical detail- fuck, she's stuck again on what to say instead- hopeful glance at Cambra?
"She exploded," he fills in helpfully, and that startles a giggle out of her even as it unsticks her words. She nods embarrassed confirmation.
"I shan't do it again! Never fear," she waves a hand in front of her as though to physically waft away the prospect of exploding someone else's fort. "Not before I've my own laboratory, at any rate, I just- I truly did not know one might explode a spell hanging it and not just casting it."
"Stomp," he supplies. "Well, best of luck to them out here, in any case," grin, gesture out at the surrounding cold landscape through the fort's conspicuous lack of windows.
"So... you made the exciting discovery that spells can explode when you hang them and not just cast them, and for this new knowledge Nethys gave you a cleric level?"
"Essentially? I'd hit my head and took myself out, so I know not when precisely He chose me, I was only certain the next dawn." She makes a bit of a face at this. "I suppose it possible He approved of cleaning the dishes yet injured as much as experimenting, but one doesn't hear Him called the god of magic and stubbornness."
Small smile. "I thank you." Okay no, it's operationally relevant, she has to tell him, what if there's a demon attack and he's expecting her to have a Cure in reserve... okay actually she's not sure what tactical difference one Cure Light would make compared to her channels, but still. God of Knowledge. Deep breath.
"I also, um. It's not a full circle. I- can't yet hang properly divine spells."
"Huh, strange! I didn't know gods did that. I suppose Nethys might do all sorts of things just to see how they go."
"Hmm, do you think you're just not quite at a full circle, or might you be some unusual thing that's a bit different from a cleric, the way there are people who are something a bit different from a wizard and have their circles lined up differently?"
"Which is really the important thing, here."
"...Wait, did you say you're nearly third circle?? That's-- either wildly impressive, not to mention a little concerning," he glances at her squad, wondering if they're also worried about just how much of a tendency to get into dangerous situations their rather young cleric apparently has, "or you're older than you look?"
"Wildly impressive it is, then!" Grin. "I'm twenty two and I'm only barely a paladin. Well, and a swordsman before that, but still." Not much of a meaningful comparison in any case, wizards needing more than just risk and practice to be good at what they're doing, but since they're exchanging tactically relevant information.
Oh good, he did manage to cheer her up about her odd divine spell situation. "Yes. So, are we leaving tomorrow morning? Have you decided who's going where yet, or should I leave you alone so you can talk about it instead of just giving each other meaningful looks?" If the Chelish men mind his friendly poking fun at them about how quiet they're being, he'll stop, but for now he's hoping he can get them to reply eventually. Although with how expressionless they are, is he sure he'd know if they minded? He should ask Khalida when he gets her alone, maybe.
There are indeed some meaningful looks at that! Just a couple, though. "Yeah, we'll talk," the squad leader replies. "Tomorrow's good, I'll get you the final count before then." That's enough of a signal for the men to start getting up and stacking empty bowls together (completely empty, scraped clean and mopped up with the bread ends), and the leader adds more quietly to him alone, "The Chosen needs some extra blankets. You'll see it happens?"
...
"The--??? Uh-- That's not--"
Come on, you can string some diplomatic or at least bloody informative words together...
"It's really... easy for people to misinterpret... when you call her that."
At least he managed to keep his voice as quiet as the other man's rather than drawing the whole room's attention.
"... Yes, that." It's a relief they were at least getting that one right.
"Every church has its own title – sometimes multiple ones." Which, now that he thinks about it, may not have been obvious in a country that outlawed all churches but one. "For Nethys it's usually Learned, or you can ask her if she prefers something else. But what you call a cleric implies who their god is." And you really don't want to imply Asmodeus, he doesn't add, because these people are not stupid.
Nod. "And I'll get extra blankets for her."
He'll give them... make it half an hour... to talk, before showing up with three more blankets outside the barracks room their patrol was assigned. (He could've sent someone, but he can just about imagine the variety of possible comments.) She probably doesn't need them until a more reasonable bedtime, but she did look so exhausted when they arrived. And tiredness makes you colder, and she barely weighs anything to start with.
There's a card game starting up in the middle of the room and two men spectating while they mend tack; the cleric is perched on a corner bunk, absorbed enough in her reading that she doesn't glance up when the door opens and the squad leader steps out to accept the blankets.
"I'm sending Ferrer and Cambra with you as far as the last fort before Kenabres proper." He points out the man currently dealing and the one who'd gotten volunteered as spokesman. "Rest of the squad'll stay based out of Three till Learned Khalida comes back through."
A nod at the plan, and another at the Learned's updated title.
"That sounds good." Kenabres is not... a bad place, really... but they're probably right that it wouldn't suit them.
What things should he make sure of in case different places have different ideas of the obvious way for this to work... "They're officially under my command, I take it?"
"Of course we are, but – she said she might want to go by some of the smaller towns, to see what there is to buy before Kenabres. Or something else might happen. Surely you have command chains of more than one link, in Cheliax. So – the patrol commander's first, yes, when we're with one, and secondly mine in combat and hers otherwise." It's not that he expects their well-informed opinions to diverge, although that's not impossible either, it's that he expects her to not know what she's doing and the men to be hindered by trying to decide who to listen to. "Will that do?"
A steady nod. "I will do my best, but if I'm not in charge then I cannot bring her back if she decides to go elsewhere, and don't want to spend the rest of the year following her if she decides to see all of Mendev first. Which I do not expect her to do, but – if I give you my word I will keep it, so I want us to be very clear on how far it goes."
"Ah." Slight wince. "I, um. I need also a second hour. For the wizard spells." Stop that brain it's nothing to be embarrassed about it is literally how magic works. "If there's a later patrol it makes sense to go with-" that makes sense, which sounds stupid, and of course she then gets stuck on something non-stupid to say instead- different sentence. "But else is good. Yes." Fuuuuck she sounds like such an idiot.
"Hm..." She chews on a fingernail, gazing abstracted at nothing. "I've scarcely used my Sleeps but I mislike going without any, and it sounds that this patrol hasn't its own wizard? If I keep Sleep in first, that leaves a second free for an extra Glitterdust..." She glances uncertainly at the squad leader.
"Make better time if you're not freezing your- toes off, Learned." A glance at the paladin as he amends whatever body part he was originally going to mention. "But better t'take another day than not make it there."
"...I suppose if the Mendevian forts needn't pack the channels, we could put the horses in them?"
It takes him a moment to parse the last sentence, and he's still not sure how it's related. "Yes, we do that sometimes. Keeps them fit."
"And he's right – you should probably have an Endure, Learned, you're Osirian and weigh nothing besides. But for the rest of us, or me at least, I'd sleep better with an extra Glitterdust. The whole patrol won't have Endures, so it won't be much difference on time."
"If you're sure...? We had planned to swap between patrols and stay on the road as long as possible. And certainly you'll be in the channels too, but it's still..." She trails off. Maybe he's from around here, she thought Taldor was on the Inner Sea but she could be wrong and anyway that doesn't mean anything about how far north it goes. Maybe he's being stoic but you can't argue a man out of that. And they're right that they should be more worried about demons than frostbite anyway. "I call 'eyes' for Glitterdust, you'll remember or wish to practice?" It's the Osiriani word, less because they expect the demons to understand Taldane than because she'd been used to it with Tariq and Omar and didn't want to risk losing her Taldane in combat.
"Yes, I'll be fine, and I'll tell you if I'm not," cheerful nod. (He is perhaps being a little stoic, but you cannot argue him out of that without being his commanding officer, and he's been here long enough to make good progress on genuinely not minding.)
"I might as well practice just in case, but I figure it'll be straightforward enough – you call an unfamiliar word in combat, there's not a lot of things it could be, right."
And she opens her mouth to respond and about three and a half trains of thought collide- did he think I wouldn't and is he reading this as banter or flirting (but he's a paladin) and oh fuck there's more politics here I got too comfortable- and absolutely no words make it out into the air. After a beat she closes her mouth and covers it with a hand. Which does absolutely nothing to make her look less like a started rabbit.
Oh no, what did he do... Hopefully it's just the sudden foreign language problem rather than him insulting her horribly somehow?
"Ah-- I'm sorry. Yes, the commander has them, I-- should go ask." By himself, because proposing showing the fort maps to Chelish soldiers would be not only badly taken but genuinely a bad idea, and probably this man knows that. (And not that Marcus hasn't looked at the route before leaving for this trip, but this fort's maps are probably different and may have more useful local detail. Assuming the commander will let him see any of them, which is really not a guarantee, in Mendev.)
He will go do that.
Marcus clusters with them and watches her with only a polite greeting. Watches them, too, to get a better feeling for how they interact with each other, rather than trying to join in immediately.
Once she's gone again, he asks the squad leader, a little quietly: "So, uh, did I insult her somehow, yesterday? Or something?"
(Glared-at wisely puts some bread in his mouth instead.)
"She's fine in combat, doesn't happen with incantations- 'f she lost her head she'd never've made it this far."
"Forgets to eat sometimes, y'know how city wizards can get," another man volunteers slowly. "Not much on the road, but- might remind her once y'get there."
Nods all around. "Yeah, I can see that. She's got to be more wizard-ish than most of them, to have gotten this far her age, so she has more of their troubles too. Remind her to eat and to look at things that aren't books. Put in a word against exploding, maybe, if it's starting to look likely," bit of a smile.
A confused look. "Well, yes, but--" that doesn't answer his question at all... Oh. Oh no.
"That's not what I meant!!" He looks a little horrified by what he apparently just said – and he's blushing on top of that, damn it.
"I meant, there's a custom in Qadira... I heard there is, anyway..." probably half the things they say about Qadira in Taldor are lies, but he doesn't know which half... "that men can't touch unrelated women, literally, at all, not a touch on the shoulder to keep her from tripping and falling in the street or anything. That's all I was asking about!" Are they even going to believe him. He feels like such an idiot right now. Half the mess hall is smirking at him.
The eyebrows are getting voluble, but a good fraction of the glaring is now directed at the other tables instead of him.
"We know you're a paladin, boy, y'can ease up," the older man growls at last. "Y'ain't sinning against Nethys if y'stop her slipping on the ice. Just- mind she's a priestess." With a particular glare at the man with the color commentary on barons' daughters.
Oh it's so strange to have the Chelish soldiers as allies against people who he should in some sense be closer to. (Not that he knows this fort very well, or has gotten a particularly friendly impression of it.) But he does like them. They're strange and closed-down and protective and he thinks they're good people, in a sense that matters, if not the only one.
He gives them a relieved and much less flailing smile, and ignores the Mendevians for the moment. "Yes, of course. I meant her no disrespect and am not about to start."
It's a clear morning, colder than yesterday with a bit of easterly wind, but not too bad. The track south is wide enough for two horses abreast comfortably, so with the Mendevian patrol in their usual order and the two Chelish soldiers silently claiming rearguard, that puts Marcus next to the cleric until their next reshuffle. She offers him a small smile once the horses are settled into their traveling pace. "Good morning, again." She sits her horse (a placid gelding with one white sock) a little awkwardly, not a complete novice but clearly more used to a different gait, and not born in the saddle to that either.
Oh good, she's not upset with him. "Good morning!" He smiles back, then watches her curiously for a couple of seconds, distracted. Why does she hold herself like that... "Oh, right, camels? What you were used to back home, I mean."
He does ride like he was born in the saddle himself – on a pretty mare not quite the standard Worldwound issue, well-behaved but making it clear she'd be very happy to go faster.
... Oh good, she wasn't insulted, but maybe he should be a little more careful about saying whatever pops into his head. "I don't know if it's that obvious, my family was just very into riding. I tried camels a few times, it's fascinating how different they are. I've never seen a real desert, though."
"Yes! Well, trees up to-- it's even called the treeline, that's how obvious and straight it is sometimes. Dense trees up to a point, then usually grass a ways higher than that, then bare rock where nothing will grow except lichen. And then snow up on top, year-round on the tallest mountains. We'd try to climb up there in the summer, bring some down." He looks very fond of the place, when he talks about it.
"I don't think it's really the wind but I'm not sure! Something about the air maybe? There's definitely something going on with the air. If you don't live in the mountains and aren't an adventurer, you can't breathe right when you get too high up." Presumably Nethys knows how it all works.
"Maybe there's also something going on with the air? Sounds like the sort of thing that'd happen underground." But it doesn't seem like either of them knows anything else useful on this question. He looks around for a moment, and pats his horse calmingly when she takes this as a possible prelude to running somewhere.
"So, if I may ask, who do you miss from home? Do they know you're here, with how unexpectedly it happened?"
Khalida's barely parsed the question when she's hit with an unexpected wave of homesickness, oddly not so much for the Broken Crocodile as for her father's house, even farther gone. She has to turn away for a minute and stare out at the tundra until her eyes stop stinging. (Wow, fuck, she really viscerally understands now why the soldiers mostly don't talk about their pasts, imagine coming over like this at Eighteen...)
Focus. Breathe. She is not a child and if she can't have one normal conversation without getting stuck she can at least do it without bursting into tears and worrying the paladin and also her remaining squadmates. ...right, there were two questions. She can handle answering the second one anyway.
"No. They don't." Breathe. Assemble the sentence. "Omar wrote to his landlady. The ranger of my party. But it can't have arrived yet."
oh NO. If he makes her cry, her men are going to stab him in his sleep.
"I'm sorry," gently. "For whatever it is that happened."
(His landlady?? That's such a stupid question, he can't say that.)
"... I argued with my father so badly that he told me to never come back. Wrote to me just to say that he meant it, when I wrote to tell him where I was."
"Thank you," still quietly.
"May have been the right call. And... I don't know if you want to talk about it. It helps sometimes." It probably helps more if it's with someone you didn't only meet yesterday. But he's having trouble imagining any of the Chelish soldiers being the right person, either.
"I did say I was a dumbass at such an age- I'd not yet then thought of a laundry, ours always came to the house. But to hire out the walking and carrying I'd must pay the child first, and have a place to bring it back to, and I dared not go to the Church for a loan lest they bring me to my father and it were- talked about?"
"Oh. Of course." Did he... ever think about that, really... No, he didn't, but in the way in which he usually doesn't think about things which don't feel like a meaningful problem, and they aren't.
"So do I. I don't think their lives will be worse for my father losing some of his respectability, but I can see how this might be different elsewhere. ... And it probably matters that I'm not a girl."
"Yes, that would make a difference. But also... hmm... you don't have to be respectable to marry, in Taldor, and I think the men who are most insistent on perfect respectability are often the ones you don't want to marry anyway."
"Though I could be wrong. I've never asked my sisters about it. Maybe I should."
"Insistent is really wanting something and trying to get it."
"So, again, I might be wrong about all this. But if I imagine I'm a girl... if a man wants to marry me because I obey my father and none in my family have ever done a disrespectable thing, it's because he wants someone who will obey him and never do anything he dislikes. If a man wants to marry me even though my sister ran away from home, he will probably not worry so much about it if I ever do something that looks suspicious, and he won't mind me, I don't know, reading odd books or wanting to learn some unfeminine thing. I would rather the second one. No?"
"Hm- holding all else equal perhaps? But both are choosing- I don't know the Taldane- suppose there's a man who's strict but predictable, and one who's permissive most of the time but drunk every other Oathday and angry over something he never disliked before, you'd choose which you preferred, and another girl might choose differently. But a third man who's permissive and predictable you obviously like better than either, and so do all the other girls, and so he has the most choices first?"
"But will your father give you to the one you like best, or to the one who brings him the most advantage, whether he's drunk or strict or any other unfortunate thing? Maybe that's really what makes our answers different." A sigh. He did not quite realize how different other families might be, though it's obvious now that he's thought about it at all.
"Oh- well, yes, in the toy example they are all equal rich, in life this is another- mm, choice among choices? But... yes, holding all else equal I think most fathers to prefer their daughters happy, even though they more prefer their grandchildren fed."
She contemplates her horse's ears for a bit, then huffs a quiet laugh. "Even if he dislikes you but is yet sensible, I think it to his advantage to make at least a tolerable match? If your husband should abandon you, this reflects also on your family."
"Oh, yes, my sisters will get tolerable matches and their children will be fed, but this is true no matter if my family loses half its status. And I... don't know if it's true that my father prefers us happy all else being equal, because it never is quite equal, is it. You're probably right that most fathers do, I just... never really thought about that." A rueful half-smile.
"Mm. ...I'm sorry."
"All else is scarcely ever equal in Sothis either, I don't mean to say it's perfect. Just- one can't hold the whole question at once in one's head, save Nethys Himself, it's like-" learning a spellform, but that example isn't going to be any use-
"uh. Eating a pie all at once rather than-" seven hells she definitely knows the Taldane for 'to bite', where did it go... well, it's obvious by now that she got stuck, maybe it's time for some levity anyway... she makes exaggerated teeth-gnashing motions.
More giggling. " 'Excuse me, sir, could you tell me the way to the Temple of Abadar?' ...oh, hm, I mean that actually- did the maps tell which towns may be large enough to have one? I'd meant to visit in Kenabres, which I expect is the largest, but Cabrera said yesternight the one closest to the Chelish forts may be best suited."
"The commander didn't, uh, let me look at his maps." Mendev is doing great and important work and is also an awful mess full of people at cross-purposes despite needing each other to survive. "But from what everyone says, the nearest temple of Abadar may just be the Kenabres one. Or, well, there may be a chapel with a cleric somewhere else, but not one that can do much of use to you."
"We may well go straight, anything a smaller town may have Kenabres also should. I'd only thought a smaller town might save time, but if we're definitely to Kenabres it should instead cost it. ...my former party's there," she adds in explanation, "unless they've been very fortunate or very not fortunate."
To Kenabres?... A moment's confusion, then he makes sense of it. "And Kenabres has more adventuring, so they can earn money and level and probably be more useful besides. And you're clearly more useful in the Chelish forts." A nod. "And it does seem like the soldiers care about you." Making it all right to leave her there.
"I'm sure of it." Unbidden, she starts trying to work out if she actually is sure- the patrols are about the same size, but the Mendevians have a lot less reason to keep her in specific alive- on the other hand, if she's downed but not dead the nearest fort will have a real cleric and not just some other wizard's Infernal Healing- stop that it's not the kind of sentence anyone expects to be literally true.
"Have you been to Kenabres before? It's on the way north from everywhere else, yes?"
It does actually look like Marcus took it as literally true, was a bit flustered by that level of confidence, and then remembered that people sometimes say politely exaggerated things. He is very readable in his paladinness.
"Yes, I don't think anyone ends up here without having been to Kenabres unless they're really trying to avoid it. It's... Well. Honestly it's kind of mess." He lowers his voice a little, because paladins can't lie but they don't have to make everyone hear the painful things they already very well know.
"...Most of Mendev is kind of a mess. They're... doing a really difficult and important thing here, and they don't have enough resources or help, and-- now that the Wound is closed, I think we can hold on long enough and they can recover afterward. I wasn't sure of that, before."
(Khalida's mother had to put in a lot of time when she was small teaching her that polite exaggerations and similar technically-lies have an important communicative purpose, and that if you instead say something that's literally true but unexpected, you will not convey the thing you meant because they'll be trying to figure out why you didn't say 'pleased to meet you'. She hasn't quite figured out how to square that with 'a cleric of the god of knowledge probably shouldn't lie', especially given how much of her conversational quiver is taken up by memorized scripts and stock phrases, especially especially in Taldane. Do paladins really go around checking if every sentence is literally true before they say it, how do they ever talk at a normal speed.)
.....oh dear maybe they do actually? And are used to hearing it from others? Which means different things are going to be misleading to paladins than to regular people, and if she's in a mixed conversation she's going to have to figure out how to deceive neither of them???
It is probably a bad idea to seize on politics as a safe subject change but better than trying to figure out how to explain and/or apologize without making everything worse. "I hope you're right- I'd been worried that everyone else might offer even less help now it's closed, but Cheliax's new queen at least seems as committed as ever. And- many things are easier to bear when one sees an end to them."
He didn't look ongoingly misled, for whatever it's worth! Maybe it's just that stock polite phrases are different in different places, or another one of the dozens of possible minor social differences between people.
"Yes. And Cheliax's new queen sounds like a great woman, not that I've heard very much about her here."
But he didn't really mean to talk about politics, it's just that they are necessary context to explaining what Kenabres is like, and she should really know. "So, Kenabres... is a confusing place that only half seems like it's... part of a Lawful and functional country." Not that he'd exactly call Taldor Lawful and functional, but in very different ways. "I haven't been to the Abadaran temple but I expect it to be full of reasonable and Lawful people, Abadarans very much tending that way no matter what's happening around them. I would not really assume the same about... most of the other temples, or the nobility, or the random people on the street, or the gate guards. The Watch that's commanded by a paladin is fine, but there aren't enough of them and I was constantly confused about what is and isn't their job. There's also an Inquisition, which I've heard is... less fine... although I haven't really interacted with it." He's starting to feel like he really doesn't know nearly enough about the place to be someone's escort in it. But of course the problem is that very few people would do better and they are all badly needed elsewhere.
"Just-- you should be careful, and I'm glad you're not going there on your own."
Well, all Khalida knew about Mendev in its entirety before her unexpected trip northwards was 'bargain-bin Lastwall' and 'the Queen is hot', and everything she's learned since then has been Chelish barracks gossip, so he's still got her beat.
"I see, I thank you for the caution. I'd... certainly hope a shopping trip could avoid interacting with the Inquisition, as well. And I've, uh, some practice at not being robbed, I'll take care. I'm likewise certainly glad for the accompaniment, though."
"Forgive me, I don't mean to scare you. It's not a bad place, and I've been fine in it. It's just that I understand Osirion to be very Lawful and well-organized, and, well, probably so is Cheliax or at least its forts, in a very different way..." She's an adventurer, why does he think she doesn't know what the world is like... Probably it's that she looks like she's sixteen years old. "For all I know you've been to plenty of not very well-managed cities and will have no trouble at all."
"Mm, I suppose even Abadar's country would have those, people being who they are."
"So... I can't exactly ask how the forts compare to Sothis, that's a ridiculous question. But – what differences were you surprised by, maybe? I'm always curious about what people are like everywhere."
"I, uh, didn't understand the last part at all? I'm not sure I understood the rest either." That's not very helpful, he should tell her what he did understand instead of making her explain again when she's already having trouble. "The women act like men, or are treated like men – not quite, but still a surprising amount, is that right? I can see why wizards are--" 'less like women' sounds too insulting, and he could say it and include a tangent about what he means, but this conversation is confusing enough already-- "doing something it'd be very normal for a man to do, but I don't see what you mean about the cooks?"
She makes the slightest bit of a face at 'very normal for a man'- ugh, does that mean women wizards are rare elsewhere in Avistan too, she was hoping that was Chelish patriotism.
"Mm, no, I apologize, the cooks and the wizards are separate, the cooks are more normal? I don't actually know that they're soldiers officially. I mean more- the martial soldiers are all men, or nearly all?" She kind of suspects the very few women of being former clerics, but there's been no non-awkward way to ask. "A woman is not strong, but a man wizard is also not strong; a wizard need not wear armor or draw a longbow so you do not judge him on that, but only on his wizardry."
"It's..." he squints for a moment, trying to think of what she means... "--Ohh. Huh... I think Mendev and Taldor are both more like Cheliax, then? Well, Mendev just has very few wizards in the first place, and both here and in Taldor more of them are men, but not enough that it'd be strange, or that you'd think of a woman one differently. Wizards are just wizards, I think."
"I think part is just education – of course basically nowhere has schools for everyone like I hear of Cheliax, but you can still have more schools or fewer, and Mendev has fewer. But they also just... don't seem to like wizards very much? I think maybe it's like old Sarkoris that way."
"That's the country that was here before, yes?" She nods past him towards the barrier. "And so its people ran here and Lastwall... I suppose that merely pushes the question to why they didn't." She chews thoughtfully on her lip for a moment. "Dislike as- it's not respectable, or dislike as angry in the streets, or some other thing, do you know?"
"That's right. In old Sarkoris it was angry people in the streets – I think mostly they had witches, who were usually evil, and they confused wizards and sorcerers with them and only trusted clerics. Different cultural traditions, not a lot of education... Mendev is pretty far from that, now – it's not even that it's not respectable, really, people respect wizards, but they do distrust them somewhat. And they're just... not the sort of thing children dream of being, you know?"
"Oh definitely- I've been wanting to go there forever, they say it has the highest proportion of wizards in the world- and the Starstone, and Morgethai, and Geb's siege engines- they say you could spend a whole human lifetime in the library there and still not read even a fraction of the books..."
Awwwww, she's so enthusiastic about it! "Maybe you should visit everywhere else first, in case you never leave the library again!"
"But I think Morgethai's mostly in Andoran? Ah, I've been assuming it's... religiously impolite... not to correct Nethysians about things like that." Slightly apologetic face.
"Of course. And--" is there a non-condescending way to say he really doesn't think less of her for not knowing things about countries on a different continent from her own and without having had a politics-focused education or possibly any education whatsoever... "Well, if you sat through all the classes they made me sit through I imagine you'd remember a lot more about them than I did."
"But since you didn't – I think Morgethai lives in Almas where the university is. A place you'd also probably really enjoy visiting."
Well, presumably any education, she became a wizard somehow... what it may have included beyond wizardry and archaic Taldane is more of an open question.
She nods and takes a slow breath. "Well then, if her university isn't in Absalom, perhaps I shan't retire before I can Teleport. If I'm very lucky there may be an opening on the route between them." Tiny impish smile.
Marcus's politics-focused education did not involve very much about the technical requirements for becoming a wizard – he does know how it normally goes (his siblings got the beginnings of wizardry education, though he didn't, because it was so obviously not for him), but Khalida really seems like someone who may have spontaneously figured out wizardry from random scraps of information!
"A minute ago you had no plans at all, and now you already know what the best job in the world is!" Grin.
The finite demons! What a wonderful thing that is.
"Lastwall! ... Well. Maybe Lastwall, or maybe I will find another thing more important than taking the time for it," a wry smile. (This is most of why he's going to be envious of the Teleport.) "But I do hope I'll make it there in not too very long."
"Mm, I could, but... Does the Lastwall front need my help? It's the one that already has a lot of people just like me. I'd feel wrong to go there just because I wanted to. ...I did write them and ask, and was told Mendev was a good place to stay in, but maybe I should write again. I don't know very much of what's happening everywhere."
It did not... really occur to him... to expect that the Mendev front would stop being a disaster at some point before they run out of demons. He's still not sure it will, but she does have a point that it's at least possible.
"That is true. Mendev will probably want to focus on rebuilding rather than sending its people out, but of course Lastwall will not. You may be right that it'll be a good idea eventually to go there and help, so the more experienced people can go elsewhere." He looks rather hopeful about the prospect.
"There's also Cheliax, of course, but I... don't know that I expect it to have the sort of problems I can be of much help with."
"Sar-" she starts immediately, then pauses to consider. "I- think Sarenrae, but... not perhaps Sarenrite priests? Foreign Sarenrite priests especially. I don't know- something more what I had of Nethys, more like, but He'd hardly choose everyb-" She cuts herself off and makes a face, muttering something that's definitely not the call for Glitterdust. "...They haven't all separate verbs also, yes?"
Small wince, and smaller nod. "I- fear I must apologize about that, but- later." She chews on the corner of her scarf for a few moments, realizes she's doing it and hurriedly tucks it back into her coat collar. It's not like it's private, really, or anyway not all that private.
"It's- He sees everything, yes? Everybody knows that, but I didn't really know it, not before- I did-" Yeah that's as far as that sentence is getting right now.
He remembers when Iomedae saw him.
(you are not good enough because nobody has ever been good enough, but you are fit for this purpose, you are doing a good thing and should keep doing it)
Of course it wouldn't be the same, but with that starting point he can imagine what 'seeing everything' might feel like, and-- "Oh."
"I think I can see what you mean. Or some of it. But-- we are none of us Nethys." In many different ways.
"...oh. Yes, I think so."
She has to stare out at the tundra again for a while before she's sure she has her voice under control- it sounds so simple and obvious like that. (How was she such an idiot not to figure it out sooner, no wonder she's only barely wise enough to be a cleric.) It's probably incredibly obvious anyway and poor Cambra is going to be so concerned but she can at least keep from literally crying in public.
...knowing it doesn't really help anyone else either way, though, which was what they were talking about in the first place, the people still stuck in Cheliax without even clean water and proper burials and however little healing they were getting. Right. Assemble the sentence, breathe.
"Perhaps it should help to have clerics of other gods who do practical cleric things? Pharasmins for undead, Abadarans for banking?"
Marcus is also concerned! But she has the right to be upset without being bothered with questions that she rather clearly doesn't want. (He might still ask, eventually, but on a horse in the middle of a patrol is very obviously not the time.) He can ride along, and look out at the barrier and the horizon, and do his best not to make her feel like she has to tell him anything.
"Certainly that. Maybe you're right that it just... doesn't make much sense to want to show them Good, instead of simply the normal human things that aren't Evil."
"I do expect normal human things can tend one way or the other, depending on what you're used to and what everyone else is doing." There certainly seem to be many ways for societies to go wrong. "It's just that... most of the time people settle on ways that tend toward Good, because that is the option that doesn't make everyone miserable and then send them to Hell."
"... Your men do not seem like they're all miserable. Not that I can read them very well."
"Oh. Of course it wouldn't be." Maybe he just shouldn't be assuming he has any idea what they're feeling at all... But it sounds impossible to have any meaningful interactions that way, so maybe not. Still, he should remember that he might be this oblivious about more than one thing. This time he stays quiet for a while, trying to arrange it all usefully in his head.
"But... they care about you, and aren't trying very hard to hide it. That at least seems like a good sign about something, doesn't it?"
"Well, they've been charged to keep me safe. And I'm evidently valuable, just as the fort gates keep the demons out, it's not weakness to see them locked." She's quietly glowing, though, her smile a bit impish but mostly genuinely fond and proud.
"I do think they- take it seriously, to belong to Iomedae now. They're- they're trying."
"Yes," to the first explanation, his smile reflecting some of her happiness. That's a very good way for things to be.
And: "...Belong to Iomedae? That's not... ah... Why do they think that?" Is it some horrifying Chelish thing? He shouldn't say that. It might well be better than some horrifying Chelish alternative, in any case.
"Well, mostly the archmages of course- and the High Inquisitor but Abadar's already got a country- and I think maybe Galt? And Rahadoum but they haven't got any gods at all. And I think the new Queen's not a paladin but people are saying mostly the remainder of the new government is?"
"Iomedae's already got a country too! And I doubt Rahadoum of all places would be happy to hand Her another one. The Reclamation, of course, and maybe Andoran, though it's not really paladins despite being governed by one..."
He knows so little about the broader political situation. He used to know these things, and disliked them, and suddenly realizes he might like them much better if they felt connected to anything that matters.
"I'd expect it to be mostly the archmages' decision, but... I'd be surprised if what they wanted was for the people of Cheliax to consider themselves Iomedae's. I'd be surprised if it was what She wanted, too, though... less so, maybe."
If that's what's happening... Then he really should find out, and see where he might do more good. Though someone would've said, surely... Or maybe not, with how everything is.
"Oh huh, Andoran is governed by a paladin?" She barely catches herself from saying 'if that's so why hasn't he done anything about the pirates', it's probably super rude to call someplace else's government incompetent even if no one from there is listening.
"I don't know there to've been any-" she wrinkles her nose, heaves a frustrated sigh, tries to mime tacking something up on a wall- "...pamphlets but from the government? About it? But I mightn't know if there were, even if they made it up to the forts, the war's since a year.... Yet- surely She wants them to not any longer belong to the defeated One?"
"Proclamations?" for the missing word.
"Of course She wants that. Everyone does. But most countries don't belong to one god, and... I don't know if it's better that they don't, but it might be? Most people I know don't think of themselves as belonging to a god unless they chose to, and that... seems better for them, than feeling like it's not their choice to make. If they want to be Iomedae's, certainly they can, but... do they want to, or do they only feel like they must belong to Someone?"
"Proclamations," she repeats carefully.
"Hmm... I suppose so? They don't talk about wanting one god or another, but of course not- I never thought much about it when I was a child, but I suppose I shouldn't have said I belonged to Abadar? It was my father making me attend services, though, not the government... I suppose he'd perhaps have said so, he's very devout, but the Sarenrites aren't any less Osirian..."
"...Ah." Yes, he supposes that does follow, there are just... so many separate awful things to remember about Cheliax. "I think Iomedae would want them to know that they can want one god or another, and if they don't know then someone should tell them. But... I don't know who can tell them, if the government hasn't. And the government probably has so many other things to deal with."
And he hasn't made sure the new Chelish government isn't doing some insane thing with worship requirements, so he can't swear to them it isn't, and he doesn't think his personal opinions will carry enough weight to matter.
A relieved smile. "Oh! That is definitely a good thing. I wonder if they would without the example of a cleric clearly allowed, but... they may just reasonably prefer the gods who have given them any help."
And knowing that more than one is allowed is most of the important thing, he thinks, at least to start with.
She... makes a face. "They've not asked, I've not offered. I think it perhaps relevant that I came to them first as a foreign cleric, not a stranded adventurer?"
"...word did pass around finally that I was honest in offering discounts on spell swaps, I suppose that's a kind of service to Nethys. Or anyway making it possible to happen."
"Those sound like deeply depressing places." Well, and of course they would, it's Cheliax. He doesn't know what he was expecting. Though maybe it's different if you stay there instead of only visiting. (Maybe it's worse if you stay there instead of only visiting, for that matter.)
"I... do think you're probably right, that it matters that you came as... someone vulnerable, and there by accident, not someone who came on purpose to show them how to do things better. Which is... unfortunately not advice anyone can follow on purpose, so I'm not sure where that leaves us."
"Mm. You see why I stay, though, yes?" So what if people think anyone sensible would leave the Wound as soon as they could, let alone the Chelish side. No one's ever accused her of being sensible.
"...it should be difficult to run a reading group at the other forts regardless, I might pass there perhaps four hours in a week. I'm gone from Eleven more time than I'm there as is."
...she has a horrible squirming suspicion that came across way more Iomedaen than she meant it, but she can't quite think how to explain what she did mean.
"Yes- they said everyone's tested for wizardry in the schools, so I thought it unlikely to help trying to teach it myself. Yet also He's the god of knowledge, so- reading group."
"That does seem very Nethysian. I haven't been taught much natural history, but it does seem like something it'd be easy to make interesting, if the writer was trying. Geography too maybe? The sort with a lot of good descriptions of different cities and customs and landscapes, not the one that's mostly about lists of counties and how rich they are. ... I suppose maybe I really mean travel journals, assuming you can find ones that aren't mostly made up. Do Nethysian temples keep lists of which books contain real knowledge instead of being mostly made up?"
... Right, there's no reason for her to know the answer any better than he does, but he realizes that a moment after having asked, and taking back your questions makes for awkward conversations.
"Oh, definitely yes- perhaps history also, that may be more likely to find in Taldane... I'd never seen such a list, but I suppose the library tenders may share it with one another and not post it on the wall? I wished mainly to read the math and wizardry books, I expect they have less that problem since a reader would notice if they tried a made up thing themselves."
And they can carry on in roughly that vein until they arrive at the next outpost in early afternoon, the demons along this stretch apparently being quiet today, or just elsewhere. It's smaller than the one right at the junction between the two stretches of border, but on the same basic plan, there being only so many ways to build a fort in featureless tundra. Marcus might recognize one of the gate guards from his visit a few days ago.
He waves to that one, but conversations during gate security proceedings are discouraged, and after that they'd all rather go indoors and sit down.
He did get to know enough people at this fort that one of them will join him and the Chelish contingent at the mess table despite knowing who they are.
Marcus introduces everyone, and then only makes a little bit of a face when the first thing Argil says is: "Well, good luck with not ending up in Hell! How is that going?"
(Well, it's not as if it's a bad question.)
The two Chelish soldiers are if anything extra unreadable in response, although Khalida winces a bit and gives Cambra a slightly worried glance. "We don't get much news at the Wound," he offers. "...they're changing out the money?"
"Oh!" Khalida perks up at the mention of what is apparently scandalous gossip. "Did you hear about that?"
"So they had paper money- you know how one might have a letter of credit with the bank of Abadar, and exchange it at a different temple, and not have need to carry coin between the two?" She's perhaps taking the opportunity to carry the conversation and give the guys a moment, but that doesn't mean it's not fascinatingly horrible. "Except instead of silver it was- I don't know the Taldane- tradable-in-theory for souls! I thought it was just tavern rumors but it's true, I've seen it."
"So... Instead of taking a letter to an Abadaran bank and getting silver coin for it, you... take one to an Asmodean bank and... get a soul??" He hadn't thought ahead far enough to be alarmed at the beginning of this sentence, but now he is. He makes an avert-evil gesture before thinking any more about it. "What are you supposed to do with that??" It's probably something horrible.
"I expect it did work. Because... you could buy a soul out of Hell for it, theoretically, if you had enough, couldn't you? It'd probably be hard – and suspicious, unless you were going to do something evil with it – but you could. I think it'd make me a worse person, to go all my life thinking that instead of buying a house for my family I could buy a soul out of Hell, and I'm not." Gods, what a thing to live with.
"My complaints about sermons were almost never boredom, but, well, paladins," rueful smile. "Mostly I'd disagree with them about things. There was this Shelynite when I was small who kept going on about how you should spend all of Sunday appreciating the beautiful things in your life and not doing anything..."
"Art, music, beauty, love including the family sort. It doesn't have to be fancy art or expensive beautiful things or anything special – it's normal people making their houses look nicer, girls putting ribbons in their hair, having clothes you like instead of random ugly ones. I'm not a very Shelynite sort of person, but I do think She's right that it's important to have these things."
"...I am honestly much less sure that it's important to have expensive fancy paintings, but She is a god and I'm not, so perhaps I'm missing something," he laughs.
"I hope you're not under the impression Marcus here doesn't have expensive tastes!" Argil laughs. "He just doesn't realize it until someone points out to him that normal people pay a tenth as much for horses."
Marcus looks good-humoredly embarrassed but doesn't argue. It is in any case an important service to make it clear to the Chelish people that it's all right to make fun of paladins.
"She really does." Marcus expects to choose a weapon if the Goddess grants him the choice, but it's clear how fond he is of his horse. "You'd say hot-blooded about an animal, or lively or eager, more generally." (Argil gives him a bit of a look about the uncharacteristic vocabulary lecture.)
"Can spellbooks be better or worse, besides what spells they have in them?"
"Hot-blooded- is that 'blood' like blood from a wound?" (Cambra nods.) "I mean mainly the spells, although one must have good paper to hold them. But since it's to be so precious anyway, it's- one would have scarce reason to have it not also beautiful? Like- like embroidery on a sack instead of good linen, to save a twentieth the price of the silk."
"Or like a magic weapon, or even just a very well-made one," he nods. "I do think Shelyn's right that if you have something important that will already cost you a lot in money or effort, it's worth adding a little more to make it a joy to see and use, if you can."
He wonders what Cambra or Ferrer think about that – but he can neither tell from their expressions nor expect to get a meaningful answer if he asks, so he's just going to say things until something turns out for inscrutable Chelish reasons to be an acceptable topic. He does not exactly have social strategies that aren't just being very himself.
"Mm, more or less? It's Good to do easy things that people will enjoy even just a little. Neutral if it's only you enjoying it, I think, though Shelyn would still like it and it's still... a step in the right direction. It wouldn't be Good to miserably do art you personally hate and nobody else will ever see – it's not about it being pretty, it's about someone appreciating it. But Shelyn's opinion is that if you're making something you think is nice and not hurting anyone by it, it's almost certainly making the world better."
He is neither a Shelynite nor good at sermons, but it seems a better start than nothing.
"No, 'course not. I'd be surprised if any of the Good gods minded each other's things. Iomedae tells us to have fun at least once a month, and I bet for some people that's singing or drawing or something."
"...I mostly get my fun by talking to people, but when I'm out of mending to do I sometimes embroider the edges on my clothes." The hem of his tunic has two rows of little swords along it, even enough but clearly not done by someone with a lot of experience.
"Huh, you do embroidery? When did you learn?" She takes a closer glance at his hem, if he's indicating it (to a half-decent Sense Motive visibly reassessing it from 'meh' to 'it's amazing the bear can dance at all').
"...you do embroidery for fun?" (Oh no that was definitely rude. Oops.)
Argil cackles at her tone, and Marcus joins him, after a moment to make sure he's not going to be terribly rude in doing so.
"My little sister taught me when we were children, I think mostly to have someone who was worse at it. It's not so fun that I'd count it for the requirement unless I couldn't find anything better, but the forts can be boring, and I like having something to do with my hands."
"I don't think about the commandment much, because this," he waves his hand around the table, "is fun and I do it all the time." Grin. "But if I had to... do an unpleasant solitary job in a basement for a month, or something... I expect I could manage with embroidery."
"You know, that's a good question. I don't think so? Or, hmm, not if I was trying to do what She said and just really couldn't manage. But you're right that there's other things I could do, so if I was just failing to enjoy embroidery and not even trying anything else, She might."
He doesn't sound entirely sure, but he also sounds, to a Chelish ear, oddly unworried about it. Not like he doesn't care, but like he expects things to be fine even if he does get something like this wrong.
He also sounds oddly unworried to Khalida, being dropped would be the worst thing ever, she couldn't stand it. (Well. She's already been through one Worst Thing Ever and turned out she could in fact stand it and rebuild. Still though. She's pretty sure being dropped would actually be worse.)
"You don't think She'd drop someone for trying and failing? I heard a cleric might be dropped for breaking their vows even were one vampired into it."
"I would hope She'd drop me if I was controlled by a vampire! Not because I did something wrong but because you don't want a paladin to go around controlled by Evil, that sounds like a disaster to the name of paladins everywhere! I hope She'd pick me back up afterward," but he does sound troubled by the possibility that She might not. "...Probably not if it only took a Suggestion to do something evil or break my word, because that shouldn't happen, but if I was Dominated into something then it... wouldn't generally reflect badly on me, unless I was stupid in a way that let it happen, and then maybe She'd have a point..." He closes his eyes for a moment, smiles in the calm way of someone trying hard to be brave about something and succeeding. "And then I'd go to Lastwall, and trust them to straighten me out."
"Yes, why couldn't They? If I did something wrong that made me no longer worth Her power, I could fix it, and if I did it right then I should be the sort of person She'd want again."
"... If it was something I did wrong, and not some circumstance I couldn't fix. I don't think Asmodeus dropped all His clerics because they did something wrong." How did they get to talking about this. But maybe they need to.
Oh no. He nods at Ferrer, distractedly, because Cambra is doing a thing and Marcus hates that he just made that happen. He's picked up enough about Chelish people that he does instinctively try to restrain his reaction, and halfway manages, but now his words are getting tangled up. "I'm not going to--" he's not even sure what it is that he's definitely not doing-- "I don't think She cares that you got a word wrong, and I sure don't."
And he can just keep talking about the actual subject, that's how not making a big deal of things works. "But yes, it definitely happens that paladins Fall and Atone and are paladins again. Less often for clerics, I think, but just because clerics have fewer rules to break in the first place." And he could make some guesses about Asmodeus, but he's not, on second thought, sure the two men want to talk about that at all. Even he wouldn't, in their place.
Khalida's also noticed that, and is a bit easier to read about it- a little awkward, a little defensive, a little warily tracking how he and Argil react. She takes a breath and forges back in to pick up the conversation, "Nethys has scarcely any- at least so I've heard, I haven't been to a temple since He chose me. Perhaps the priests have best estimates they discuss with one another."
(Argil is eating his stew, not very interested in the gods conversation, but not reacting badly to any of it either. He made a bit of an amused face at Marcus's upset reaction.)
"There's being the right alignment, if not much else. But I'd also be less sure about Nethys picking someone up afterward. Not that I think He wouldn't, just-- He's less predictable, and not very comprehensible at all, I think?..."
Unhappy nod. "He's not impossible to comprehend, He sends visions, but- it's said the more one understands Him, the less one may be understanded by other people? I've heard Nefreti Clepati can just- talk to Him, without needing a Commune or anything, and also the senior priests must translate her for the junior priests, not even only the laity."
"Should be soon, a quarter hour maybe?" They're not pushing the patrols out as quickly as humanly possible, because when you do that people will be dead on their feet when the inevitable emergency hits, but they're not exactly set up for people to get more rest than strictly necessary, either.
Marcus will go stand in the channel radius, if it's as uncrowded as it usually is, since it might help (with any of a dozen things, depending on which theories you believe, not that he entirely believes any of them) and certainly won't hurt.
Marcus winds up riding alongside Ferrer for the second leg of the day; he's the shorter and stockier of the two Chelish soldiers, maybe pushing forty while Cambra is around Marcus's own age, and has a large ugly brand on one cheek that Marcus might or might not recognize. When the wind is in the right direction to catch scraps of conversation from the next pair ahead of them, it sounds like Cambra is working on learning Osiriani, practicing stilted-sounding phrases with Khalida correcting his vowels occasionally.
"Ohh." His best guess was that Ferrer just didn't really believe the Worldwound was closed – a shocking concept which Marcus quickly realized wouldn't even be very unreasonable of him, given the situation, but would be so fraught to talk about – but it sounds like he simply doesn't feel it makes much difference. It takes a moment's thought to see why he might feel that way.
"Or maybe I'm being a paladin again." A rueful smile. "It's not that my life's any different now, really, it's that... I came here to do this, and so I feel better knowing that it'll get done. And you did not," a glance at the brand, with no judgment in his expression, "particularly come here to do this."
"I would think she will." He sounds unselfconsciously confident about that one – it's the Good thing to do and the politically sensible one.
"She has enough work cut out for her that I figure it'll take her a while to get to that, but if you've been here seven years, you may well hold on long enough."
"Yes, but..." He's not sure how to explain it. "I may Fall if I get angry and yell at someone, or enable something evil because it would've been hard to stop and I couldn't bring myself to put in the effort, or any of a dozen things like that. I don't think it's against the treaty to put paladins in difficult situations."
"Well. If I willingly commit a single evil act. There are ways to yell at someone that are certainly evil, and ways that I'm pretty sure aren't, and I am not exactly going to try it and find out where the line is. But I know it's there somewhere."
Does Ferrer look like this makes any sense to him at all? It'd be hard to blame him if it didn't.
Yeah, that was a stupid question. Chelish forts do not sound like places where you'd have enough personal conversations with your commander to know why he is or isn't doing something.
"Right, and back then everyone was required to be Asmodean so someone had to do the sermons, but now that's not how it works. And maybe he wants to be very obvious about that." Maybe because if he did start giving Iomedaean sermons, everyone would just relate to them the same way they probably did to the Asmodean ones... What an upsetting concept.
Ferrer's near-slip gets the beginning of a startled look and then a sheepish smile, and a nod at the rest of the sentence. "I'd be curious to hear what you think, if you do end up having time."
"And, ah... People make mistakes, and Mendev isn't Lastwall. Decent chance there'll be something wrong in whatever you hear. Just so you know." It's not so bad that he'd usually consider this a necessary warning, but the Chelish men seem very... inclined to assume they're not allowed to say even a word out of line, and never mind who decided what the line is.
Well. He can't exactly stop people from being careful and nervous about something when they're already inclined that way, and shouldn't even if he could, so this is probably as good as he could've done here. Slightly pensive encouraging smile. "The Goddess chose him, he'll do fine."
And he'll wait to see if any more conversation materializes on the subject, though he doesn't expect so. (A safe guess, that, with Cheliax.)
"I really do. Of course I could be wrong, but-- it makes sense politically, because she'll want her new subjects to like her and be loyal to her. It's a common thing to do when someone inherits the throne the normal way, in other countries, and it'd be even more important here."
That gets Marcus to laugh. "That's a good point! Maybe a little, but I think usually it doesn't work out that way. When they hear about a pardon, they're going to be thinking about their second cousin who got released now, not about some guy who stole their horse seven years ago."
"And... It's not just a question of sins against Abadar as if they were the same everywhere. It makes a difference, whether people live in a normal decent country, or in one that wants to make them all Evil and wants to hurt them while it does it. It's not as if everyone's life in Taldor was good and just either, and I don't know much about what Infernal Cheliax was like, but... if half of what I've heard about it was true, of course it'd drive people to despair and crime and give them few better ideas for how to live, and I don't think it makes sense to blame them for it, if you think their country is awful enough that you needed to conquer it to make it stop."
"And this entire time the Andorens were sneaking into Cheliax, freeing slaves or helping other people get out. I'm sure they stole plenty of horses while they were at it. Why should it be all right when they did it, and not all right when someone in Cheliax did the same to get away from whatever awful thing was going on in his life?"
That was... too much emotion, he thinks, and even without that it would not be the kind of thing Ferrer would have more than a one-word reply to. He half expects it to be incomprehensible enough to the man to be dismissed out of hand as Good nonsense. But he needed to say it anyway.
Marcus winces a little at the rote reply (because it's horrifying, but he's gotten used enough to Chelish people not to show his emotions so much), looks like he's going to say something, doesn't. (If he tells Ferrer it would be all right to not think that, it will sound like he suspects Ferrer doesn't think that, and that conversation goes nowhere helpful. He wonders what Iomedae would do about it. Something better than this, but he doesn't yet know what it is.)
"Right, but... the Andorens are some of the people who conquered Cheliax and are helping govern it now, aren't they? They're not going to suddenly start upholding the law about their own people who stole horses in Asmodean Cheliax, so I think they shouldn't uphold it about anyone else either."
... He is, perhaps, being a paladin. "Of course they might do it anyway. It's not as if it's hard to have a law that says it's okay if you do it but not if someone else does. But that kind of thing will bother enough Good people that they might not."
Ferrer generally prefers to ride in silence, but doesn't mind being drawn out on less-fraught subjects; Marcus can learn that he's never had real salmon but it's his favorite way to get his stew flavored when a wizard is in the mood for it (branzino is his favorite fish out of the ones he has eaten); that Artigas is the best commander out of all the ones he's served under because he's Lawful enough that holding the Wound is actually his first and only goal, and Wise enough to actually act like it, so if you don't fuck up you'll generally be fine; that in his opinion the worst season isn't really the dead of winter, but that bit of spring when you just barely don't need Endures and everything is mud and unpredictable freezes and thaws; and as much fort gossip as he cares to hear.
Marcus tends to ask the wizard or his table companions for stew flavoring recommendations, and has to think for a moment to decide his favorite food is lamb stuffed with dates. He's not sure who his favorite fort commander is (the one whose fort he's normally stationed at is notably absent from the list of possibilities), but he thinks he likes Ser Irabeth in Kenabres better than all of them. His least favorite season is the early part of winter, because he doesn't mind the cold so much but he hates the dark. He is endlessly interested in, and gradually learning to be less shocked by, Chelish fort gossip, but will let Ferrer do some riding in silence.
At the next fort the guards first argue about something while their patrol waits in the cold, and then hurry through the verification procedures until Marcus feels bound to correct them, earning some very tired glaring.
The Mendevian patrol they came this far with is heading back home from here, and might manage the two legs back before stopping for the night. The current fort commander's reaction to the remaining party planning on continuing on toward Kenabres is "There's four of you? Great, you can be the next patrol while I figure out where to get the one after that. Eat your stew and be out of here in twenty minutes."
Marcus (whose job it clearly is, to deal with this) does not look happy with the idea, but glances around the hall – the men are too few and too exhausted – and gives half a nod. "Let me talk to my people, sir."
"What d'you need to do that for?" A sharp glare at the rest of the party.
"Learned Khalida is in command of," he not only cannot lie but cannot mislead, "her Chelish escort." Turn away before the commander has a chance to get in an argument about that too, and give him enough of a respectful nod while doing it to avoid looking outright impertinent-- "Learned, do you think we can go on by ourselves?"
She chews her lip a moment, glances at him and Ferrer, and clearly makes the same calculation he just did. "Lloris would mislike it were he here, but- better the four of us against a stunned demon than seven or eight against a live one? If we've room for the horses in my channel especially."
He nods at the assessment. "We do, I'd bet you there's not enough people in this entire fort right now to fill a channel radius."
He goes back to the commander, who's been scowling at them from he stairwell and looking on the verge of simply leaving, for all that their conversation took barely five sentences. "We'll be out of your way as soon as we can, sir. With a channel in the stables before we head out, if you want to announce it."
The man gives a short nod, not exactly placated but at least less annoyed, and makes the announcement. ("But don't drag your friends out of bed for it unless they should be getting up anyway. They need the sleep more.")
"Well, let's have our stew quick as we can." It's worse stew than usual, but plenty of it. Marcus looks around in concern as he eats.
And now his stew can taste like salmon, although she hasn't picked up the trick of varying how much to flavor different parts of it yet and it still has the texture of mostly barley and unidentified dry greens.
She nods, and holds onto her little mask briefly with the hand that isn't busy eating stew, and doesn't say anything for a bit.
A solemn nod, and then the words he's used to: "May the dead see Paradise, and the living in their turn."
A few quick spoonfuls of stew, because they do not have time to waste, but he's clearly thinking.
"How urgently do you need to be back? We could stay here a few days, help with the patrol schedule, hope it's enough for them to get back on their feet." One patrol group is not much, but it's something. And just knowing someone cares enough to help is something too.
"Of course you're right. I'm sorry." He does sound it.
It's easy to get the impression that the Chelish forts are doing better than the ones here – likely they are, on most measures – but with that little healing, things could go downhill so much more quickly. She's right that they cannot let that happen, however overstretched Mendev is.
Unhappy nod.
"I'm not the only healer, many wizards there know Infernal Healing, but, um, it's not agreed whether it's yet legal-"
-and no one is sure, even if it's currently legal, whether it'll continue to be; and her fellow wizards are pushing themselves deeper into Evil to give the others time to struggle out; and it takes a spell slot that competes with Endures, which you need every day and you only might need a heal and don't know how many....
She nods and applies herself to her stew, although she pushes the last few spoonfuls silently over to Cambra. (The leaves are apparently carrot tops- Marcus finds a lonely slice of the carrot itself in his stew- which explains why someone bothered hauling them all this way north.)
The stables are also half-empty, the few beasts there looking as exhausted as the men; Khalida glances around, makes a couple of hand motions as though measuring something out, and then finds a groom to ask if they can bring the last few closer to the corner stall she's apparently picked out as her channeling podium.
"Y'gonna channel for them? The poor tired things, I hope it helps..." (Marcus helps him chivvy the horses to move.)
Some soldiers show up for the channel as well. Nobody seriously hurt, they've clearly got the healing to keep everyone on their feet, but there are a couple limps and scrapes, and more people who just want to be in as many channels as they can in case it makes them get stronger or simply feel better. Marcus asks if they've sent to the neighboring forts and to Kenabres, and whether there are any other messages they'd want conveyed; they have and there aren't, though mostly they don't sound as if they expect any of it to change anything.
The soldiers do brighten somewhat, and a few voices call out "Thank you, Learned," the groom among them.
Marcus smiles, and takes a step closer to offer her a hand down, having ended up in a more convenient spot for it than Ferrer or Cambra. (It's a thoroughly engrained habit, and it sounded like she's not so Garundi that he should suppress it entirely.)
"So it's not quite as a regular healing spell, it acts slowly rather than all at once, but there's this planar link-" whoooops heck that was not a 'how' for 'no I do want the technical details', that was a 'how does that happen'. She tucks her hands back into her sleeves and takes a moment to marshal the next sentence.
"It uses devil's blood, so it's Evil for the wizard and the target both."
"I am so confused about why devil's blood heals people! ... If it has to do with planar links, you could try explaining, though I doubt I'm Cunning enough to make much sense of it."
Also he's mostly looking away from her toward the barrier, and should not get distracted from that long enough to watch any visual aids.
"So, Cure spells are Conjuration- not to say that clerics specialize by school as wizards do, but one can tell with Arcane Sight even as one cannot cast it- and this is actually not obvious why it should be so? Most spells which handle energy are Evocation, it's only acid which fall under Conjuration- it's been said that perhaps acid spells create the water first and then cause it to take the acid property, like Snowball- um. Excuse me, that's not your question."
He laughs a little. "I didn't realize divine spells were at all the same sort of thing as arcane ones! All right, so where does devil's blood come into it?" He would like to know about that, rather than about a dozen other theoretically interesting things he can already feel leaking out of his head.
"Oh, yes, many spells were first made by adapting divine ones, you can still see- anyway. So I don't believe anyone's actually seen it yet, but there exists a theory that divine healing opens a very very small very very fast portal to the Plane of Positive Energy, and that's why it seems to be structured as a conjuration-" she visibly restrains herself from going on more tangents- "anyway, I haven't seen it cast myself yet," a little averting-evil gesture, "but it lasts a full minute, and I'm told the target reads Evil betimes even they weren't strong enough to read normally?"
"...I don't know that anyone I spoke of it tried it on one not Chelish, they likely would have eventually. ...anyway. The blood is, um, fastening the planar link- I apologize, that part is very wizard speech- and I don't know how it goes precisely, but it seems likely it's to Hell in some way? Devils heal from positive just as we do, they're not undead."
He appreciates that she's restraining herself from the clearly endless tangents, but it is adorable that she needs to.
He does just about manage to keep all the important pieces of the puzzle in his mind at once, and remember to watch the horizon, but there's a bit of frowning with effort involved.
... And it's still confusing even when he's pretty sure he's not getting anything wrong. "So... if you did the same thing with angel blood, it wouldn't work? Surely someone's tried. And why would a link to Hell give you any more positive energy than a link to any other plane that's not, uh, an energy one?"
For some reason, that first question makes her wince and put a hand over her face, laughing ruefully. "So- well. I think it should work, really. I- do you know the principle of symmetry? How, um, how one's right hand looks in a mirror like one's left hand, but turning it any way cannot make a left of a right?"
"So there are some spellforms that are partly the same as each other, in the, um, the part that does the thing, and partly symmetrical but opposite, in the part that, um, chooses the thing it does- Protection from Evil and Protection from Good are like that, and Law and Chaos are symmetrical also, but in a different, um, direction, and the elemental planes also come in pairs- energy types are almost the same principle but in a different way- anyway. It um. I thought it looked like the kind of spellform that had an opposite."
"Well yes, if you had cast it it wouldn't have been an exciting new frontier in exploding!"
Then more seriously: "But please be more careful. You're brilliant, I bet you're going to make some important progress in something, but that does require staying alive for it."
"It sounds to me like preparing spells is not entirely theory! And--" There's something about the concept of being careful that she sounds like she might be missing, but can he put that intuition into words... "If you're going to discover new things, some of them are going to be new dangers nobody knew you needed to be careful about, are they not? Though of course you cannot avoid that entirely."
"Yes, but it's not- I don't-" She huffs a frustrated sigh and scrubs a hand across her face, groping for words.
"It's- if spell research is as going out on patrol where the demons are, I- went in a corridor I knew led outside before I was yet ready to patrol, thinking the door was closed? And instead it was open and there was a demon in the corridor? But I can't be forever careful of every corridor, I should go mad."
"And certainly we don't want that!" Grin. "I do see what you mean."
"I would think there's a way to be more careful in... just the corridors you haven't yourself seen before, that could be unexpectedly dangerous even if you've heard they're not? But maybe magic is too full of new corridors for that to help."
"Mm, a bit, but I do see- there's corridors I haven't been down, but I know they lead to within the fort, and corridors that share a wall with the outside that might have a door in it? ...this imagining becomes complicated." She laughs a little bit. "I do intend to have a large snow drift behind me and not a wall, the next time I experiment, just not every time I hang a new spell. And Mage Armor, if I can manage the ink for it."
"That sounds like a good plan to me."
"So, where were we... That Infernal Healing is Evil for both the caster and the recipient, somehow? I am so confused about how that could possibly be the case. Could you tell if your experimental inverted version would've been that still, or Good for both, or something different?"
Shrug. "Well, the caster is obvious, and I don't see why accepting aid from an Evil spell shouldn't be? But no, perhaps if I knew much more of symmetric spells and it happens that it's stable enough to hang? And were I third circle so I might have Arcane Sight up and really look at it while I worked. But as I am, I may only guess."
"Well, it's- one can't always tell just from the spellform unless one really studied it, but there's the devil's blood? Sometimes spells just are- I mean, an Abadaran couldn't cast Protection From Law even-" she wrinkles her nose, thinking of an example- "even he were legally at a Worldwound fort, and someone had unlegally summoned a devil to attack him in violation of the treaty? And lied to the devil about it. And he knew the night before they would do so."
"I would not... assume bleeding a devil to be Evil either?... Ah, don't mind me, clearly I know nothing about how this works. I didn't realize Evil spells were magically Evil instead of just normally so – or Chaotic ones, either. Since they are, I suppose that makes as much sense as anything, but if it's only magically Evil rather than horrifying in some way then I don't see why it should be illegal."
"Oh, stabbing them isn't, never fear. It's if you're doing a thing with the blood, that spell is most likely Evil. Um... I don't actually know why, especially not only in wizard speech."
His last sentence gets an uncomfortable shrug. "Well, I don't know if it should either, but... I don't know that it might not? News takes some time to get all the way north, no one is yet certain what the new laws will be. ...Eleven uses the Lastwall handbook and that doesn't forbid it, which may be a sign the new Queen won't either, but it may also be that they never thought to forbid it as they've enough Good clerics to cover healing."
"Iomedae holds quite strongly that you should not kill people just for being Evil, nor consider them criminals. And it's just plainly not Lawful to hold people responsible for breaking laws you've given them no opportunity to find out about."
"... So if you were to be governed by Lastwall, I could confidently tell you it would be fine. But you're not, and I shouldn't just assume." Sigh.
"Oh, you're right, we should ask at the border forts on the way back. Or you should ask and write me if you get an answer, on the Chelish side, since they'd be the most likely to know. Although of course it might be that everyone figured it was too risky to ever try, so I should write Lastwall anyway. ... What a bizarre question to have, though."
"Well, I would think so, but you tell me it magically makes the target read Evil regardless! Or might it only do that if they agreed? That would be... differently bizarre." Confused shrug.
"In any case it is better than dying, so you're right about what to do, should the question ever come up."
He's only half listening to her for a moment, because--
"...Yes, and that is a terrible position to put a paladin in, and I'm just..." a sigh, his tense frown relaxing into a more pensive one, "not going to try to make it work, I would be terrible at it."
He should really explain what he's talking about. "I realized immediately after I spoke that what I said was agreement already, and perhaps I would've been better off not saying it or at least not confirming it, but I feel like I'd go mad trying to live that way."
"No no, it's not your fault, you said a completely reasonable thing. It's the fault of Creation for being set up in this... paladin-trap... way, if indeed it is." A deliberately slow breath. "I do not prefer death over Falling by strange magical technicality, and it would feel wrong to refuse to say that just to avoid being held responsible for the result, and even more wrong to... cooperate with a situation where refusing to state reasonable principles gives me better outcomes." So he is instead just not going to do that.
"Oh." Gods, apparently paladins really are just that Good, all the time. And that Lawful, she's never heard someone refuse Pharasma in a Lawful way but that's definitely what he just did.
"I'm sorry. I as well mislike this." And it's good to know his preference but she privately resolves to keep it from ever coming to that. "I suppose you'd still go to Heaven, at least, once you did go."
Oh no, he made her worried! He did not mean to do that. "No no, of course it wouldn't! I didn't mean I'd really be worried about my prospects of Heaven, you're just... not supposed to say that, you know?" Conspiratorially amused look. He was being a bit pensive about the whole thing, but not so much that he'll let her keep looking unhappy.
"Surely paladins have the most certainty of anyone? If modesty must stretch even so far-" she has indeed been distracted from the prospect of Stupid Alignment Rules, "I suppose each place has a new set of, um, ...secret imaginary rules, which one must learn? In Sothis one hears 'when we meet in Axis', and sometimes only 'fate willing', not always." Well, in the parts of Sothis she grew up in, not nearly so often in the kinds of places she's been living recently.
It's really charmingly Nethysian, how easily distractable she is by any new information.
"Huh! That is not the custom in Taldor, but Taldans are... somewhat overly complicated, as a people. For all I know your way is better. I do hear it said that way in the forts sometimes, now that I think about it, so perhaps I should try it too... Though sometimes I worry, about the people saying it, that they might be wrongly convincing themselves they'll go to Heaven, and that more doubt would do them good."
And they can ride quietly for a while. Eventually, though, Ferrer tops a slight rise and holds up a hand for a halt- he's spotted something.
"Stunned schir in that dip, hundred paces." He glances around at the horizon for anything that might be waiting to pounce, but he's already unshipping his crossbow as he does.
"I see it." He does the same quick glance around as he reaches for his bow, but leaves it to the remaining two to decide whose job it is to look out in the non-schir directions. All of them know perfectly well what they're doing, and the basic procedures aren't very different between the Chelish and Mendevian fronts.
Cambra is apparently nominated for lookout, although from Khalida's frustrated expression and the number of shots she misses, it might well be because she needs more practice.
The schir turns out to be neither faking nor bait; they can fill it with cold iron from a safe distance without getting jumped by anything invisible, and it doesn't do more than slightly twitch.
And in this party it seems pretty clearly Marcus's job to come within detect range to confirm the kill, and then come closer than that and cut its head off.
Then they can drag the corpse far enough from the barrier that the next patrol won't confuse it for a stunned demon even from a distance, dig their bolts and arrows out of its flesh (or out of the surrounding snow, which can perhaps be Learned Khalida's part of the work), check it for anything else remotely valuable, and take its weapon with them rather than leaving it lying around to be used in the next demon ambush. Not exactly pleasant work, but they're efficient at it, and at least it's not a dretch.
Khalida confirms that nothing Fiendish is Present any longer, following behind him at squishy-wizard range, and- well, she won't insist on getting her hands dirty if the guys are indicating she doesn't have to, but she will Prestidigitate the demon gore off them and the arrows as they're doing it, along with everything that's potentially touched the schir or its halberd.
"I've found three bolts, two are mine, do I miss any others?"
She'll nod and head back to widen her search pattern, which does unfortunately take her out of Prestidigitation range, but it isn't too much longer before she calls "I have it!" and everyone can have another round of cleaning before they go back to the horses. She squints at the halberd as Cambra's bundling up the business end so it doesn't cut anything. "Not magic. ...I haven't myself seen a demon with a magic weapon, but one hears such stories, I always check."
"Thank you," for the arrow and the Prestidigitation both.
"I've seen one once. Just a basic low-grade type, but still, more excitement than we get most months. It's definitely worth checking." And they can mount up -- he automatically offers her a hand up -- and get moving again.
It's so good how instantly happy she is whenever something like this comes up! He grins at her.
"I certainly wouldn't know! Do we even know for sure there are infinite ones of every kind there is, or might there just be infinite dretches and some reasonable numbers of all the rest?"
"Indeed, I think the world should look very different if there were!"
She's as personable as ever as they continue on, but it's increasingly obvious she's flagging sooner than others would, even another wizard- shorter answers, longer pauses before a subject change, starting to slump a bit in her saddle.
Worrying. Not very much so, he's known people who manage patrols fine despite ending them this exhausted, but only a few of them, and it might be something different.
He stops distracting her for a while, in case that helps her conserve her strength for the ride, but it doesn't seem to.
"Are you feeling all right? Should we stop and eat something?"
"You're not falling asleep, or having trouble feeling your hands," no, she got an Endure, that shouldn't be it, "or dizzy, or anything like that?" And does she look like she's having trouble thinking about the question? Although she sometimes does that anyway.
(Probably she's just the normal amount of tired and would rather he not draw attention to it. But it doesn't cost much to make sure, and he's responsible for the three of them.)
"Ah, I'm sorry, I'll stop fussing," apologetic smile.
He'll still dismount a few minutes later and walk for a while -- it's not as if they're going faster than walking pace anyway, and the ground in this area is bad enough that he suspects the horses are going to get tired before they get to the next fort. If he lets his mare have an easier time now, she can carry the poor tired wizard later if her own horse starts having trouble with it.
She manages a small return smile this time. "No need to apologize for. Of course you do seriously your charge." Her horse plods stolidly along after Ferrer's, not seeming especially worn down quite yet; even with her kit, a beast used to carrying a grown man in armor would hardly notice her.
(It's perfectly normal, probably. Wizards are noodly, it's just a fact about the world, and if Tariq sometimes gave her shit about it, well she was the reason they could get far enough out for it to matter in the first place, and she'd throw that right back at him. Even archmages are comparatively more fragile than the kind of sword guy that parties with archmages, probably. And if Txell or Janer or Farre y Puig never look as exhausted coming off a patrol as she feels, well, they're Chelish, they wouldn't.)
He does do his charge seriously, and is glad to be seen for it. (And some walking will keep him warm even if it's not needed.)
Does it keep looking like she's all right and just more tired than usual? It's all right if she can't manage much keeping a lookout for demons, with three of them still up to the task (are Cambra and Ferrer still looking normal?), as long as she's not going to fall off her horse or be too disoriented for a fight.
Yeah, Cambra and Ferrer are looking tired, but the normal amount of tired for somebody who's been riding seven hours of the day so far; Khalida inexplicably looks like it's been more like ten or twelve hours, but doesn't otherwise seem ill or injured. (She'd probably be stumbling a bit if she was on her own feet at this point, but she's still scanning the horizon every so often.)
"Tell me about your horse?" she asks, a few minutes later. "Where did you get her?"
"Egede, from a cleric about to go all the way to Lastwall by river. He'd gotten a sponsor for the war college." If she wants to have a conversation, he will as always be happy to do that, but if she just wants him to tell her lighthearted stories about his horse and his travel adventures to help her stay awake, he can manage that too.
Yeah, she's listening and responding to questions and such (and can share a couple of stories about mishaps with rented camels) but would really prefer he hold up more than a fair share of the conversation for now.
The sun slips below the horizon while they're traveling, but it sets slowly enough this far north that the next fort is solidly in view when they need to pause so she can cast a Light on Ferrer's bridle.
He likes camels, but they sure are that way. Not that horses aren't given to mishaps, but very different ones. There was the time he traded for one in the River Kingdoms that turned out to be trained according to some deliberately confusing local tradition -- he thinks they were probably running some sort of scam, really, one place selling horses to foreigners and another one in the next village offering to buy them cheaply when they turned out to be too frustrating -- but he and the horse made it work...
He walks along, keeps up the conversation, and keeps an eye out for whether she looks likely to fall off her horse. (As well as for demons, of course.) She seems enough of a wizard that she might lose the ability to ride before the ability to talk, at least if the occasional sudden trouble with words is unrelated to tiredness. But it looks like they're going to make it just fine.
Sudden Words Trouble maybe happens a bit more often the more tired she is, but it's a little hard to be sure with only a day and a half to go on; her grammar is distinctly getting worse but it might be just that she's not putting in the effort to remember where Taldane adverbs go.
When they finally pause for a Light, she slides down out of her saddle again rather than dismounting properly (her horse glumly tolerating this), but she's steady on her feet the few paces over to Ferrer's. "Good boy. Good boy, Apple, not too much farther now," Marcus can probably catch her murmuring.
Kalta sniffs her hand and then pushes at it a touch impatiently. Yes, small person, you've been around for days, she knows! But maybe now she can get scritches before it's time to Go Places again?
"Of course." He gives her a slightly amused smile and refrains from pointing out that he's a paladin and definitely not in the habit of saying things he's not sure he means. (He would, if they were having a cheerful conversation over a meal, but right now she looks too tired for anything even slightly socially complicated.)
The scritches are very good!
But also they should Go Places rather than continue to stand here in the cold indulging his horse, though he does take the opportunity to give her some scritches while that's happening.
Kalta is a bit taller than Apple, and Khalida looked so tired, and... if he asks "Can I just--" and reaches over in a telegraphed gesture to pick her up, will she let him put her up on Kalta? Because she's small and light enough that he can absolutely do that without it even looking undignified.
"Oh! Um. Yes?" It's a little embarrassing (and also kind of hot) (stop that he's a paladin) but it would actually be really helpful. "I, um, I could do with only a leg to stand on-" she glances back at Cambra, who is studiously pretending there's something interesting off on the eastern horizon- what the hell does she do with her arms.
That's enough of a yes that he can have her up in the saddle before she's done with all the additional words, and not give her much time to worry about what to do with her arms. (She's very cute. He is obviously going to continue being a paladin about this. But this is how one should treat a baron's daughter, so Cambra should have no complaints.)
He makes sure she's settled properly, shoots her a grin, and picks up where he left off in his travel stories as they start moving again.
One Worldwound fort is very like another, but the Mendevian ones aren't literally identical; this one is an irregular elongated shape perched atop a bluff. It's more populous than the last one, but no less exhausted- presumably they're helping cover the patrol shortfall to the north- and they can rustle up enough wounded to half-fill a channel, once Khalida's been helped down from Kalta and gently steered into the mess hall. (It's a tiny bit stronger than the last couple, about middling for a new cleric.)
It's always good to stand in a channel and feel some of his missing strength return to him.
He knows plenty of people here, including some of the wounded -- they exchange greetings and well wishes, but really he and Khalida and the men need a hot meal and then a good night's sleep, and he should focus on making that happen.
Food is not hard to come by, for the cleric responsible for the unexpected channel and for her party. They can sit down and eat.
Khalida isn't feeling particularly in the mood for More Stew, but she'll lay claim to a mug of whatever hot drink is going around (mint and roseroot, apparently), and perk up a bit once she's gotten some of it down.
"...oh. I neglected to ask about getting the horses in-" she glances around, doing mental math about whether they could've fit all the wounded in the stables.
"I hate night patrols anyway," Cambra offers after a moment, "never quite know what you're stepping on. One time Taberner twisted his ankle, just on a regular ordinary rock, 'cept he insisted something'd jumped out an' startled him an' kept the whole squad a quarter hour looking for it. Would've prob'ly been a rabbit if it was real anyways."
"Probably. And, rabbit or not, how was he expecting you to find it?" He shakes his head. "But yes, the dark can get to you like that. Nobody's best time."
He eats a few bites of his stew, still thinking through the earlier question, and looks at Khalida. "I would go, to be clear, if you wanted to. I know it's important to you to get back soon. But more important to get back at all, and tired people in unfamiliar places make bad decisions." She'd probably rather not think about it more, but it is important to him to be clear that he wouldn't refuse, if she insisted.
"I know." Unhappy nod. "I don't, truly, I just-" Hate being the weakest in the party even though it's the natural state of wizards. Wasn't even thinking about the hypothetical wounded back on the northern front that're the actual reason we're hurrying in the first place. Would've gotten people hurt from stupid pride if I was really in charge instead of being a Politeness Barrier between the paladin and the Chelish soldiers that we didn't actually turn out to need.
"Nothing- I- you've been-" acting like she's a Sarenrite, or another paladin, or anyone else unreasonably holy and she suddenly can't stand it-
"I'm not Good." She's managing to keep her voice down but it's trembling a tiny bit, and her hands are tight around her mug as she leans closer in return. "Three months ago I doubt I was Neutral."
Their trestle table is next to the wall and the neighboring one happens to be unoccupied, but the mess is far from empty- the dinner rush seems to be just starting to trail off. Ferrer glances around, gives Khalida a quiet assessing look, then jerks his chin at Cambra and brings his bowl over to the next table, directing an ambient glower outward at any Mendevians who might get the bright idea to sit in eavesdropping range of their cleric and whatever weird alignment fight she's decided to pick.
The younger man looks quite a bit more concerned about the argument, but nods after a moment and joins Ferrer in the human privacy screen. (Not before giving Marcus a glare, over Khalida's head, that could not have been more communicative if he'd been brandishing a shovel and explaining that his baby sister had better have a nice time at the harvest festival.)
Marcus has clearly already failed to give his baby sister a nice time at the harvest festival, and he doesn't know what he did wrong!
'I'm sorry for whatever happened', he wants to say, but doesn't, because you shouldn't act like people's lives were that much of a mistake unless you're really very sure they think so.
"... Which one do you want to be?"
That gets a smile. (The smile is not entirely unrelated to how adorable he finds it when she loses her words.) "Am I that much of a paladin? I really don't mean to."
"I know you're not, I..." he hesitates, thinking, but it's true, "wouldn't really want you to be?" (Is that a heretical opinion? But she's so obviously Nethysian, and surely Nethysians are allowed to exist.) "Or-- of course on some level it would be best if everyone selflessly went to do the best thing, but... it sounds like a sad world, to tell the truth. I want people to have the things they want in life, not to sacrifice all of them to the greater good. It's just that what I want from life happens to be this."
He does turn to give Cambra a brief 'please help' look, but he doesn't really think the man would know what to do here either. He just wouldn't have gotten into this conversation in the first place, and maybe that would've been the better choice.
"... That was still a very paladin thing to say, wasn't it." A bit of a pensive smile. But it's not funny, really.
"I don't think I'm really... doing whatever it is you're worried about... but I don't know what it is, and I'm not sure I even know enough about you to guess."
"You- I'm not- you don't understand-" She gets a grip on her mug again.
"I've fucked men," she hisses, leaning in close so she can pitch her voice even quieter, "a lot. And not by force. And, and lied and st- thieved. And only never killed a man because Tariq was more fast. And I followed running slaves, for a living. Because it paid best."
He looks at her with incomprehension at first -- yes, she's an adventurer, surely nobody expects adventurer women to be chaste -- then gradually less of it, but his face only turns grave at the last thing.
"That was clearly evil. I..." he doesn't want to repeat the mistake she's already pointed out. "Would you do it again, if it paid best?"
How is he like this. People aren't like this. "No? I don't know. Not now. That isn't what I mean-"
So what does she mean. She wants to put her head down on the table so she doesn't have to see him looking at her. She wants to scream. (She doesn't, actually, want to be doing this in her first language- it's easier to get a little distance from the words this way.)
"That me was yet me, I'm not someone else from the one who did that, even that I never do evil again it yet happened and it's part of me- you can't, can't just be Sarenrae and-"
He does not get that message. (Or maybe he does, somewhat, but he wants her not to be crying alone much more than he wants her not to be-- embarrassed, or whatever it is, about being seen doing it--) He leans across the table to put a hand on her shoulder, tentatively enough to be easily shrugged off.
"I know it was you, I truly do know that, people do awful things and they're still people and I can still like them! I can be sorry for those slaves and sorry for you too, that you could find no better choices than-- doing all of those things when you hate it so. I'm sorry. I wish the world was better enough that none of it had happened."
She twitches a little bit when he first touches her... but then after half a moment her hand drops to cover his and keep it there.
She- believes him, actually, finally- it feels real enough to put weight on now when it didn't before.
It is.... also making it harder to stop crying, she's breathing in short hiccupy almost-gasps even though she knows it's not helping, eyes squeezed tight shut.
Oh good. Oh, he's so glad that he seems to have finally gotten it across that it's all right to be who she is and that she doesn't need to be so protectively curled up around everything she's done.
He could say more, but really what she needs is a proper hug and not just this, he thinks. (How long since she's had one? He doubts it's a Chelish custom.) He is, awkwardly, on the other side of the table, where he's going to need to let go of her in order to make that happen, but he can make the disentanglement very gentle -- "Here, let me just go over to your side, can I hug you properly?"
Marcus doesn't much mind making a scene. First it was a privilege of nobility that he didn't really understand and didn't quite deserve, and now a much more correct privilege of being a paladin, that whatever he's doing, people assume it must be all right.
But he'll rub her shoulder and stay where he is. "Mm. Say when you're up for moving."
... He'll also glance over at Cambra to see how he's taking all the crying.
Baffled and suspicious but not outright hostile? Although Ferrer has a steadying hand on his arm, so that might not have been the case a moment ago. The older man looks embarrassed and pitying, like someone watching a toddler that's just thrown up, and maybe doesn't not feel for the kid but is hoping Marcus gets there with the rag first.
It's one of the small ironies of the universe that it's faster and easier to temporarily stop crying than to actually get finished. Khalida focuses on rotating Light in her head, and it isn't very long at all before she lets go of his hand to drain the cold dregs of her tea, refill her mug, and dab some of the water on her face.
Gods, those poor Chelish people. Marcus looks pitying at them right back.
He barely started his food before getting distracted by the conversation, and you shouldn't waste that, but if he leaves the mostly-full bowl here then either someone will finish it or it'll still be here in an hour. It's not worth worrying about.
"Want to go figure out where we're all sleeping?" He's not sure whether Cambra and Ferrer should be included in that, so he says it half to the air, and they can include themselves or not.
Well. They should figure out where they're all sleeping, but first he's just going to duck into the nearest private-looking storage room so Khalida can get a proper hug. Assuming she still seems inclined to do that, and assuming Cambra and Ferrer don't decide something about it is unacceptable.
She hesitates just barely perceptibly at the door, but there's no one in the hallway right then to see them, and she follows him in, shoving down the imaginary grandmother in the back of her head (still after all these years) saying to be careful of her reputation (and a paladin is basically your cousin anyway).
Ferrer glances in at the storeroom - it's full of anonymous barrels - and says "Hm. No blankets in this one. Cambra, go check down the hall." The younger man looks mulish for half a moment, but as Ferrer settles his shoulders against the opposite wall, he accepts the pretense and goes (with one final glare). Ferrer pulls his belt knife to start paring his nails, in the attitude of weary guards everywhere, out of eavesdropping range if the door is as thick as it looks but not out of hollering range.
Khalida gets a bit of a wry look at the level of protectiveness on display, but closes the door on them firmly. She doesn't immediately fling herself into Marcus's arms, though; she's regained some self-consciousness along with her composure, and fidgets with a loose thread on her glove, not quite meeting his eyes.
(Ferrer gets an appreciative look for his self-assigned guard position -- this is a situation in which Marcus would prefer to have someone nearby, for many reasons that he doesn't particularly disentangle in his mind. It's not exactly propriety, but it's making sure you're not creating a situation someone would misunderstand, or one that could be irresponsibly unsafe without looking obviously different. The things propriety was created out of, before much of it became something else.)
Well that won't do at all. She's just going to get wrapped in a firm hug before she can get too self-conscious about it.
He rubs her back and murmurs reassurances. "I believe you, and it does matter what you did, but... it's history, it's information, not a stone to be dragging you down all your life."
Khalida melts into the hug, turning her face into his leather-clad shoulder. She wraps one thin arm around his back, clinging as tightly as she can, and folds the other up in between them to bite down on a knuckle. This close, she smells of sweat and horse and clean wool, the soft voile of her scarf crinkling under his chin. She doesn't speak for a while, but nods slowly against his chest once in response to his words, shoulders shaking occasionally with what might be either sobs or hiccups.
Marcus holds her tighter when she clings. He can stay here, steady and quiet and warm, for as long as she needs. (It's clear in his body language, somehow, that he's not going anywhere.)
And Goddess, she really did need this. He's so glad they managed to have the conversation that got them here, however strangely routed it was.
They might need to have more of it, but that should be Khalida's decision, to be made once she's soaked up enough simple physical comfort to want to do anything else.
She needs it for kind of a while, but eventually her cling lessens a bit and she wipes her eyes again, then cautiously scoots the arm from between them around to hold onto his shoulder, rather than disengage fully.
"I didn't," she mumbles into his chest, "didn't have no other choices. Not better ones, but. I had choices. I just- chose, um, this."
He loosens his hold on her to match, shifts his arms when she moves, doesn't let go.
"I figured that," he nods, solemn. "Everyone has some choice. And it's not as if it wouldn't have been better, if you had chosen differently." He couldn't pretend otherwise, and he doesn't think she'd want him to. "Just... you look at what happened, learn what you can, think of what you'd do if you were choosing again. And you move forward."
She takes a moment to parse the sentence out, and makes a small discontent noise into his chest but doesn't argue or unhug.
After a few more moments, she ventures, "I don't- wish to become someone who chooses Law over magic, though. Or even Good." That second person is easier to imagine wanting to be, maybe, but that way lies the confusing tangle she's trying not to poke at in case she accidentally repents too soon.
"I have better choices now, I want to, to keep them, to- put myself in the occasion to have them-"
The idea of her choosing anything over magic gets a soft laugh again. "I would imagine not!" But he listens to her keep talking.
"Yes, exactly. I don't mean-- think of what you'd do if you were choosing again, and convince yourself of the decision your priest or your father or the nearest paladin wants, as if you were a child told to think about your choices in that tone that means you should already know the answer. I mean, really think about it. About which things you'd do again and which you wouldn't, and why, and where you hate both options, and how to make a life where you have choices you will be happy with."
More quietly, after a moment – unsure if that is the piece that's missing, but it seems like it might be: "You're allowed to want things."
That takes him a moment, to understand her question and consider it. He doesn't pull away, but he tilts his head until he can see a bit of her face at an angle.
"I think... the Goddess would say something better, but I don't know how to do that. What do you think I ought to be saying?"
He's much more used to hugging someone who's crying than hugging someone he's having a conversation with, but he's hardly going to stop. It's so clearly good for her, and she feels so cozy like this under his arm...
"I... Hmm." She is right, in a sense, but it doesn't feel right, why is that... Oh. "The Goddess doesn't use us against our own ends. I ought not to either, I think, or at least not when I'm giving you personal advice, or-- doing anything else that, hm..." He doesn't usually think through the Law in small personal interactions this way, just does it by instinct, and it takes him a moment to find the shape of the answer, "that would obviously go better if this was predictably so? Something like that, I think. I haven't thought through it before, and really I should ask someone who has, but for this conversation it seems clear enough."
"Mm." So Iomedae would use evil people against their own ends- well, it's not like she didn't know that before. (And it doesn't have any bearing on what Marcus would do really, because he's already said he wouldn't and paladins don't lie.) She sniffles again, then sighs and gives up on dignity the rest of the way, unclinging and turning away a bit to dig the corner of her scarf out of her coat, blow her nose on it and immediately Prestidigitate it clean.
"So- Iomedae would say to do the most Good thing, but you're- being like Her not in being Good but in being, um, trustworthy?" That still doesn't seem quite like the thing.
"I rather hope I'm still managing Good as well," a rueful smile.
"But I think... if Iomedae were having this conversation, She'd find the most Good things you could be truly convinced of, and you'd walk away wanting to do them, yourself, not just because someone told you to. I don't know how to do that. But I do think the first step is making sure you know it matters what you really want."
"And, yes, to be trustworthy through all of it, because if I've made it a bad idea to come to me for advice then I've failed at everything I'm trying to be."
He wants very badly to make sense to her, and he can tell he doesn't, quite.
"Yes," quietly. It hurts, every time someone doesn't come back. And sometimes it's not much better when they come back in pain, and he can see they almost wish there wasn't enough healing to send them out again. "It's not a good way for people to live. And it must be so much worse when most of them will be damned if they die."
"It takes time, to think through it and be sure. But yes, for this to be finished, and maybe a tower, whether afterward or earlier than that. That seems a good start."
They should eventually stop hiding in this random storage room. But they can have their hug for a bit longer. He knows how it helps one think, sometimes.
Goddess, the poor girl. He wonders if the Chelish soldiers can possibly understand how much she cares about them.
"I would hope someone can take your place. But if not... Then you think to yourself that so many people will be in danger no matter what you do, and that it's all right for the world to go on anyway. Or you stay after all. I don't know what you'll choose, when it comes to it, but it's important that both of those are all right."
Entirely reasonable. There's only so much thinking through your entire life anyone can do at once.
He'll just hug her and rub her back until she seems calmer, and loosen his hold a little once it seems the time for it.
"I am curious how long we'd have to stay here for Ferrer to say something, but it might be wiser not to find out."
Khalida nods with a hiccupy kind of giggle and reluctantly unhugs. "Probably till one wished something from the room. But yes, let's not."
She refills her mug and- drains it, actually, she didn't realize how thirsty she was getting until she saw it- refills it again to wash her face, Prestidigitates her scarf and Marcus's shoulder dry, takes a deep breath. And another one.
"Ready."
He gives her a smile and a nod, and opens the door to come out first, continuing to look like a man doing a completely normal and reasonable thing.
He nods to Ferrer in the doorway. "Thank you for staying. Let's actually find some blankets, or has Cambra done that already?"
...oh.
She hadn't really been meaning to convey that she wanted that, but... yeah, she does very much want to hold hands. Probably she shouldn't. But it's hard to actually feel that 'shouldn't' when she's just cried all over him, any last self-consciousness drained away with the tears and snot. (And any last good judgment, says the imaginary grandmother, very quiet and far away.)
She opens her hand just enough to slip it into his, glancing up with an almost-shy smile.
He looks amused at Khalida's reaction, but certainly isn't going to object.
"Food! Thank you – assuming one of those is for me?" He's learned not to smile too much at the Chelish men – they're not very readable but he can still tell that they're getting something entirely off from it – but he still tends toward generally pleasant and polite, and isn't going to take anything without confirmation.
"I think wizards mostly do it when they're distracted by books, and paladins do it when there's too much to do. It's not a problem I normally have, just, if I come back from a patrol and the fort is under attack, and then there aren't enough people who can go right out again, and the fort we stop in for the evening has some other problem because isn't that how it always goes... then at some point someone should sit me down and make me eat."
Which he's definitely doing, now that someone has.
The bottom bunk in the back corner is apparently Khalida's usual; once she's finished her own stew, she pulls a spare blanket off the stack and stands on the edge to start tucking the blanket hem under the mattress on the bunk above. (She can't quite help glancing self-consciously at Marcus partway through to see if he's reacting to it.)
He watches her idly, and nods understanding when she looks over. It makes sense to him, that she wouldn't want men watching her sleep.
(She did say she's not a maiden, but she still seems... innocent, or something like it, or maybe just shy, most of the time. When not yelling at him about how she isn't.)
He might join the card game if it keeps going, but he waits to see what Khalida does once her curtain is complete, first – he doesn't want to leave her as the only one out, if she doesn't have something she'd rather do on her own.
She gives him a slightly sheepish smile and a return nod. " 's a- metaphor tent," she murmurs, apparently to explain why she's not bothering to rig up a covering for the foot end where it joins Cambra's bunk.
She finishes the side curtain after a few moments and slides down to sit on the floor and dig through her bag, then glances over at Marcus again.
She's got a sheaf of mismatched scrap paper covered in charcoal sketches of spiderwebby diagrams and tiny crabbed notes in Osirian; if he's seen a wizard's spellbook before, it bears about the same relationship to that as a page of an artist's pose studies does to the finished piece.
"It's not such interesting to look at, but I can tell you some of what I do?" she murmurs.
"Not l- oh!" She bursts into surprised giggles. "Oh this isn't my spellbook, this is merely my notes- here, shall I show you Disrupt Undead, I've nearly inked it-"
Khalida rifles through her sheaf of paper and pulls out a different page of incomprehensible cobwebs, then reaches over for her bag and pulls out what indeed looks more like the classic wizardy tome, tooled red leather covers and a solid brass lock on a strap. She pauses in the middle of unlocking it to glance up at him with an impish smile, "if you're a wizard disguised as a paladin, you have to tell me."
They are such extremely incomprehensible cobwebs!! And he cannot read Osirian either, although that he can at least recognize.
"If I'm a wizard disguised as a paladin then I could probably lie to you about it! Or do you think if you spend three days as a paladin you end up stuck like that?"
But he is aware how much of an unusual gesture of trust this is, and is having some sort of feeling about it.
"Then I suppose I simply must trust th- you." She ducks her head to hide the operation of the lock and definitely not blushing and flips quickly to a page near the beginning.
"So this is what it looks like finished, except here where I lacked ink- and the notes are how I copied it from Janer, everyone has a little different- um, way to put it on the page? Not quite handwriting but more like that than language- although the Chelish wizards I think are more similar among themselves than the Osirians, I think perhaps because of the school?"
Some of the cards land all the way near the other bunks, and Marcus automatically leans over to pick them up and hand them back to Cambra. His eyes do briefly catch on Ferrer distinctly not doing any such thing, but he's not going to copy Chelish habits without a better reason than not looking odd.
"Goddess save me from learning wizardry! I had some lessons as a child, I was horrible at it," he laughs. (Interrupting Khalida, who sounded like she could use the extra time to figure out her sentence.)
And, because if he leaves it at that she'll probably feel bad about having shown him anything, "I do like listening to people tell me what they find interesting about their work, but that's not the same as wanting to do it myself."
"Yes, I- worth it is not the reason, I should teach if one wished to learn. I thought that for- such time as we have, one who finished school might rather do a thing less like to it, if one only wished to please Nethys." Especially considering the bits and pieces she's picked up about Chelish schools, although she nods gratefully towards Marcus who's just illustrated her point.
He rather wishes he knew what point exactly he'd just illustrated. It doesn't really sound the same thing.
"Well. That sounds like something I'd like to know more about, and also like something I maybe shouldn't go asking people, huh."
He finds another card all the way under the bunk and passes it over.
"No no, I meant school."
It was just... striking, in the moment, how everyone was acting like school was some terrible thing one should not remind grown men about, and he doesn't know why. It's not that he doesn't realize that approximately everything about Cheliax was awful, but... 'everything about it was awful and the details are best left unspoken and unimagined' is not a useful stance from which to interact with people whose nearly entire lives were that way.
"I'm not surprised it sucked, but I have no idea how, specifically, and I think it'll be hard to talk to Chelish people if I... don't understand how anything worked. But I don't know if it sucked in the way where you don't want to talk about it."
Maybe this is a stupid conversation to start having on a sudden half-understood impulse and he's just spoiling everyone's evening for no reason. But if you never have those then you never find some things out.
"Made everybody go, till you were twelve, even 'f you could already read fine or you're so dumb you were obviously never gonna, and your folks had to bribe the teacher to get out even when there was a hard frost in the middle of harvest." He shuffles his stack of cards with unnecessary force.
Oh good, so it was the sort of thing people want to complain about, rather than never think about again.
"Sounds miserable and pointless all right." Well, there was a point, presumably, but he doesn't think it was one that was good for people. "If I had to sit still the whole day I might rather get hit than not."
Bragging about apples, gods. Though... he hopes his father's peasants' children weren't going that hungry, but it's not as if he can be sure. At least they weren't being forced away from their families' useful work for years just to, what exactly, teach them to be cruel to each other?
"Nobody's got one so far, to get nearly as many as Cheliax had. But it might be easier to take the Evil out of a system that works than to build one from nothing... Anyway it's not like either of you ended up wizards, and surely it doesn't take, what, five years to figure that out?"
"They only test you twice- I'd mostly stopped going by then, they don't care so much if you ain't got family they can lean on- but if y'could get everyone checked when they're ten, might be they could just start teaching the smart ones to read then?" Ferrer ventures after a few moments. "Give 'em free sausage rolls t'show up instead of hitting 'em if they don't?"
Why are they looking at him like this, he's never even been to Cheliax, do paladins just come across as supporting all of the world's non-horrifying governments whether they're taking people's children away from them or not-- Yes, probably they do, don't they, if you're used to dividing the world into your side and the side with paladins.
"Barely anyone's willing to lose their whole kid over loyalty to queen and country, either. Gotta make it worth it to people. Like-- sending a kid off to an apprenticeship, people do that, don't they?" He is rather embarrassingly clueless about all this, but he's fairly sure they do? "If that's worth it then they can make wizard school worth it the same way, I'd think."
"And, yeah, test them once at ten, give them sausage rolls." That one makes him smile. Such a practical idea. "Don't hit them unless they actually deserve it. That doesn't sound too hard."
"... Right, you were playing cards before I interrupted you with all this. Y'could teach me, if it works for three people?" (They might not feel like they can say no, but it's not like not ever making minor friendly requests is better, when you're in a situation like that.)
A half-apologetic smile at Khalida, but he did figure out in the meantime that she'll be perfectly happy spending time with her incomprehensible squiggles on her own.
"Yes, both." He has no idea if it's possible to run a functional country without it. "You're right, I suppose you could just count the Cunning ten-year-olds as conscripts. Families would prefer to lose one of those than a son grown enough to be a soldier, I'd think? Especially since wizards are more likely to live."
"I figure some of them still take bribes – well, maybe not in Lastwall – but it's not normal, yeah. Since Lastwall has conscription at all, they would've figured out how to do it right."
"All right, this is my pile and I get four cards," he copies Cambra in picking them up, "and then what?"
Oh good, Cambra's laughing at him.
(He still doesn't really understand why they sometimes act half terrified of him and sometimes entirely don't. Maybe he can ask Khalida if she knows?)
He grins back and nods. "Aha. Is it gonna turn out I'm too much of a paladin for half the rules to make sense?"
He counts the variants on his fingers. "Yeah, let's start with the easy version."
"And what's my hand even for-- Right, I can see that something in it'll add to ten with what's on top, or to twelve or what have you, and then play that and slap it right away? How right away are we talking?" He demonstrates discarding a card and slapping the pile in basically the same motion.
He draws a card, doesn't see anything obvious to do with anything in his hand and doesn't spend more time thinking about it, discards a four of cups.
"I am, ah, not strictly forbidden but strongly discouraged from playing for raisins." He expects this to be a pretty entertaining fact.
It doesn't occur to him that it might be a euphemism, that sounds like a completely normal thing to do.
Ten of swords. "Ohh. So, he thinks your fort works less well if people gamble for money, that's what insurance is. And that's... probably true? Makes people gamble their equipment and lose it, or get into fights, or stay up all night frantically trying to get their money back and then be half-asleep on patrol. Or do you think it wasn't causing any trouble and banning it didn't help?"
A bit of a laugh. "Huh! That would make sense, too." Two of wands.
"So the thing with raisins is... they're pretty harmless, right, but commanders in Mendev, unlike your Select... or was that before he was one?... don't have the time or inclination to have long Law talks to figure out exactly what is and isn't the bad sort of gambling, so most paladin orders here just ban all of it."
If Mendev's forts had Abadaran insurance then maybe they'd have the same adjuster and he could ask him more about this entire fascinating situation. In addition to all the other more important reasons why it would be a giant improvement in the way things are.
"Everyone can play cards with no stakes, at least. ...Yeah," sigh, "most Mendevian paladin orders ban all drink. Mine doesn't, and I've never heard that Lastwall does either."
"I haven't been to Lastwall myself," a bit wistfully, "and don't know much about how it works out in practice – they have several different orders, it's not like everyone's the same sort of paladin. But they're mostly allowed to drink in moderation, and I think gamble a little in a friendly way but not for anything too valuable, so my order is trying similar rules. Lastwall has the time to sit down and think about what exactly the lines should be." He gets a little starry-eyed about it.
Which lets Marcus finish trying to put the words together in his head. They're not going to be perfectly right, and might not be good enough at all, when he's talking to people used to Asmodean contracts, but it seems worth trying. (He hates how Ferrer and Cambra suddenly act confusingly-- he's not sure if it's terrified but it sure is something-- at points in the conversation he still hasn't managed to predict, even if he can see the thing they have in common. He would very much like to be treated as someone who won't report them to... whom exactly, anyway, in a far-away country he's had no contact with?? He doesn't understand what they're afraid of or why he would possibly do it. But maybe he can fix it anyway.)
"By the way, in case it helps with anything – I swear on my Law and in the Goddess's name that if I hear or already heard any of you say something evil or unlawful or disloyal or generally wrong, that isn't planning an immediate and serious crime, I will not tell anyone about it or do anything about it that I expect you wouldn't want. This lasts until our formal relationship changes or until I tell you I'm no longer doing it, and I'll still be bound by the oath about anything you told me before that point. Immediate and serious crimes are ones like murder, rape, sabotage, things that do specific major harm, which you are actually planning on doing as opposed to just vaguely talking about, and they do not include having negative opinions of my Goddess or your Queen or any other authority or not wanting to obey them."
"...This was probably confusing and I'm sure I could've phrased it better somehow. Please ask me questions about what I meant or what sorts of things count. I additionally swear I'm not going to report your questions even if they are about serious crimes. I do not at all suspect you of any serious crimes, and will assume you're asking just to see what I'd say."
Well, he hopes he did not mess this up horribly somehow. And in the meantime he should stop holding up the card game... One of cups.
So it did work at something, at least. His ongoing attempts to keep his visible emotions down around the Chelish men don't really keep him from looking happy about it, and he outright laughs at Cambra's outraged reaction, he's so relieved.
"I don't think I'm going to Fall over a confidentiality oath, even if is kind of a weird one. Those are a known paladin thing, I did not just come up with the concept. But if I did, I don't think people not believing me would be one of my important problems!" He's not sure if Cambra thinks he'd be in some sort of trouble about it, or if it was just a figure of speech to express how stupid he thinks this was.
Does Cambra want to argue about it more, or should he go back to Ferrer's question? Falling seemed like the more urgent topic, but they both deserve an answer.
Then he'll give him a more restrained smile and look at Ferrer.
Why, indeed.
"You kept... acting like you had to say the exact right things in my hearing, and I don't even understand what you were worried about me doing, but it's not as if I could ask. So... this. It seemed likely to help."
"And I made it so broad because I have no idea what the current laws of Cheliax are and you probably don't either, and I know even less about what kinds of things you might be worried about saying. So I gave you as many as I reasonably could."
Why do they somehow never manage to answer each other's questions? He's aware he has just as much of this problem as Ferrer does.
"Sorry, not what I meant, I was just being foreign. What I meant was: I don't understand how this being fucking normal works, at all, I don't know what it is you were doing or why, or what you expected I might possibly do about it."
"... And I do generally care about how people are feeling. That's pretty normal most places."
A slightly horrified laugh, "I can imagine! But I didn't think you would. And... I want to go to Cheliax, I think. So if I'm bad enough at talking to Chelish people that I'm going to Fall from it the first time I try anything risky, then I might as well find that out here."
And to Ferrer, who's clearly having some feelings about all this and really deserves better answers from him: "I do care a lot more than most people. Wouldn't be a paladin if I wasn't stupidly self-sacrificing about something," wry smile. "I'm... not sure I would've done it, if it was just the two of you here for a few weeks. Maybe, still." He's not good at thinking through what he'd do in hypotheticals – the emotions are missing. "But it makes a difference that there are so many more people like you, who I could maybe help if I could understand them."
"I will note that I trusted you two, specifically, once I got to know you, and I was not wrong to." He wonders what it feels like for them, to have been trusted this far, and correctly. If they have managed to have that thought, yet. (Or maybe they worry that they could accidentally put him in some impossible bind. Goddess, that would be awful, and it's not impossible.) "If you tell me what openings not to leave for people who aren't you, I might manage."
"Yeah, of course they are. I'm sure I'll believe them more often than I should, at least until I get used to it, but I don't think it'll do me terrible harm?"
"Or, probably I'm not imagining the right things at all. If I... wanted to visit your fort and was going up the line on my own, what would the folk in the other forts lie about if they wanted to mess with me?"
"I mean, normally we don't talk to the paladins an' they don't talk to us... might say whoever they don't like's been doing all kindsa crimes, whatever they think'll bother you most. If they're bold enough to start testing you it might be the hazing kind, stuff'd be embarrassing to be wrong about, t'see what you'd f- buy an' what you'd do about it... commander always wants the mail right away whatever it interrupts, that sorta thing?"
"Huh. The hazing's just going to work at first, if they're not obvious about it, but... I don't think it'll do what they want it to?... I'm not going to be embarrassed because someone lied to me." It's not as if Mendev is free of stupid status games, and in the little they've seen of Marcus's interactions with other people here, he has been oddly unbothered by that kind of thing. "Eventually I'll catch on enough to say 'Does he really, even if I tell him you said so?' or to double-check with other people when things seem off, and that should probably work?"
"That's true. I don't know that I really care, but if I'm in a position where it matters what people think of me then I should. And... people aren't gonna stop doing it unless I make them, is that it? ...Unless I make them scared to mess with me, which I don't want, and am very limited in accomplishing even if I did." A sigh, an acknowledging look at Ferrer, another moment's thought. "Well, I need to get good at telling when Chelish people are lying to me – y'should try it sometime, see if I notice – would that be enough? If I can mostly tell and just ignore them, will they keep trying anyway because I haven't given them a reason not to, or will they stop because they look weak for mostly failing, or just because it gets boring?"
"Mm, folk... won't know what to make of you, mostly- somebody in charge who's weak is somebody you go around as much as y'can, eventually another guy's gonna take it- oh, also, anytime you make an oath like that, 'specially one you might've rehearsed beforehand, folk're gonna be looking for the trick an' just be more nervous if'n they can't find one."
"Oh if I'm in charge I can order people to stop messing around and enforce that, the problem is only if people outside my chain of command are doing it. But I have no idea what the Reclamation would have me doing. I do expect I'd figure something out," slight shrug.
"If they're looking for a trick and it's worse if they can't find it then I'm not sure what I can possibly do about that... Well, not make complicated oaths to people I don't have some," wry handwave, "positive relationship with. But I should see if I can work out simpler ones that won't sound dangerous. Start with this one, then – what would you think was wrong with it?"
That startles a bit of a laugh out of Cambra in return. "Right, but- s'pose he's pissed an' wants someone to make an example of, whatever Mendevians do for examples, won't laugh it off- whoever it is kept the horses up all night and used up all the paint, Iomedaeans are all about not wasting resources, yeah? You'd take it in his place?"
"I can't say it was me, that would be lying. But it's not that rare for some paladins or clerics to swear to keep something secret. The standard answer is 'I have no idea, confidential information excepted' – and the important thing is that I always say that, whether I've sworn anything to anyone within a hundred miles or not, and I can give him my word on that if he looks confused about the concept."
"I will grant you that sounds incredibly suspicious if you're not used to it, but... if I have any confidential information about anything, maybe just military secrets rather than this sort of thing, and I can't lie about it, then I can't only say the exception when I do know something, or it'd be too easy to figure out what I was hiding, right? So, every time, no matter what. Someone asks me over the stew whether I've ever heard of a three-headed camel, I say 'no, confidential information excepted', because that's what my order says to do."
"And if I happened to run into someone who'll try to order me to tell him anyway, obviously I refuse to answer and get punished for that. And then report him for risking having me Fall, and he probably at least gets a lecture from the Church."
Oh good, that made sense to him. Marcus is never sure how someone's going to take it. (Maybe it's that they were a Lawful country after all.)
"Yeah! Most Mendevian orders don't do confidential information – 's like the gambling with raisins, complicated and you might fuck it up. But you need some paladins who can keep a secret, and that's the best way we know how."
Once he's gotten over all of that: "Of course I wouldn't, since I said so." And, just in case, "Though remember, if I saw you do it I'm fine to get the spider out – the oath was if I heard you say something about it."
"Does it make sense, why I wouldn't, or d'you want the Law explanation?"
Cambra did actually startle just a bit when Khalida made noise (Ferrer didn't), and is now glaring at the bedpost as though he rather suspects them of laughing at him. He didn't freeze or flinch at being corrected this time, though, so that's something.
"Well, 'cause you swore, yeah? Less'n you mean the Law for why you swore a dumbass thing like that t'start with."
An approving nod. 'Because you swore' is a good and important answer. (And it's immensely endearing how Cambra is willing to call him a dumbass.)
"Yeah, exactly. So-- if I didn't swear that, or if I was the sort of man you wouldn't trust to keep it, then you wouldn't tell me about your nefarious spider-related plans in the first place, would you? You're both careful men and you don't let things slip if it'd be stupid to. And then I still wouldn't get to kill the spider. I don't get an option where I kill the spider, unless I've seen you put it there – either I'm the sort of man who'll truthfully swear to leave it alone, or I'm the sort of man who won't hear about it in the first place. And if I'm the first one, then at least I get to know, I can try talking you out of it, or point out if your spider is a polymorphed wizard with an Evil aura. Or tell you that Taldor does suck but maybe you should write it in giant letters on the stable wall and let the horses sleep, if it's the other thing," grin.
"That's... one of the important things Law is, that it makes that possible. Works the same for being told military secrets as for anything else someone'd only say in confidence."
"And," that one might be too abstract, but it's an important part to make the whole thing work, "that's why it's all right, for paladins to go around saying 'confidential information excepted' about things even when their commander asks them. It doesn't mean 'I've just decided not to tell you some stuff and there's nothing you can do about it', it means 'I won't tell you the part that nobody would've told me in the first place if I was going to tell you about it, so you're not losing anything from me being like that'."
(A glance at Khalida. It's half a math thing, when you lay it out like that – she might like it.)
"Wait, though-" she puts her notes aside and boosts herself up onto the edge of her bunk so her head is on a level with the rest of the conversation- "suppose he were unsure that you'd seen the spider, could he not tell you of it afterwards and so be certain you shouldn't kill it?"
"It did, but only if--" That is really not how any of this is supposed to work, is it.
"All right, I apologize, I should not make complicated oaths without writing them down and then letting you read them. Except that I bet that would've really looked like some kind of horrible Asmodean trap," sigh. "How about we all talk through what I meant and how it'd work in various cases, and then at the end I swear to you that that is how it works, or we all write down something clearer that we agree on and I swear that?"
"They do, it's just that I'm... used to doing this sort of thing with people who know what I mean. So, how should I have done it, with you? I worried that if I tried to write down a more complicated thing you just wouldn't want anything to do with it, but it sounds like I was wrong?"
"I can do that." Why didn't he? Just because it would be incredibly depressing to talk though all the detail while they kept obviously not believing him?...
"Would that be better than having it written down for them to keep after? I... assume I shouldn't expect them to believe me, or to say much of anything, until I get to the swearing part."
Wry half-smile. "There is that. Might not have much call for it, then."
"But let me try doing at least this one right. What I was trying for was... that you could say whatever you wanted about what you think about anything or what you've done in the past or what you might want to do in the future, and it wouldn't make anything worse for you. Except I wasn't quite enough of an idiot to include all possible things you might want to do in the future, and you probably wouldn't believe me if I did, so I tried to exclude the obvious big things and allow everything else – although it's impossible to cleanly draw that line so we're going to have to trust each other about it at least a little, unless anyone has a better idea. And the line from the other side, that if you said something completely innocuous I shouldn't be unable to talk about it, because that would make normal fort travel somewhere between impossible and incredibly weird, right, if I couldn't tell people 'Ferrer said he didn't see any tracks either' because I swore never to repeat anything."
"And then what the Learned said, which I'm sure I could've phrased better - that if I find out about something not through hearing you talk about it, like I see it myself or someone else tells me, then I can do what I want about it, because even I can tell it sounds like a terrible idea not to have that. If you want to show me something in confidence you can ask for a separate oath."
"Does that make sense? Can you see any stuff missing, is anything confusing, does anything sound wrong? You too, Learned," a smile for her, "and thank you for noticing there was a problem."
"I don't think you're doing any crimes! But it feels like you keep thinking that you're saying something wrong and have to make sure I don't get the wrong impression, and I don't understand why you're doing that and I can't ask. I'd like to... be able to have the sort of conversation where you feel like you can tell me things..." Honestly it's hard to even sensibly describe what the problem is, when he's talking to them, because he can tell that it's just normal as far as they're concerned. "Because I like you and I'd like to understand you, and because if I want to go to Cheliax then it's pretty important to have some idea of how Chelish people think."
"... and I just hate it when I feel like I'm scaring people. Or, not scaring, I don't know, but you can't possibly tell me you feel safe talking to me. I realize this is almost never a good reason to swear an oath, and I don't think it's most of why I did it, but I can't say it wasn't some."
"Oh, that's how it's like a contract," Khalida interrupts, and then waves a hand as though to bat the sentence away, "I apologize, I still was- I had thought that an oath is only unidirectional, but- it's because you hope that they might differently act because of it, though it constrains only you."
"Huh! I never thought about it that way, but yes – if I only wanted to do something myself, I could simply do it and be quiet. The point of an oath is that other people know I will, and I never thought further than that, but of course if it matters that they know it's because they might do something differently because of it."
He looks back to Cambra, in case the interruption gave him time to make some sense of his explanation.
"With t'other line," Ferrer changes the subject, "I think if you're explaining crimes you oughta explain that too? Like, supposing I said the food sucks, someone as really wanted to get me on something could twist it to criticizing the Queen, but the Mendevians maybe just wanna know if we're eating better'n them, an' if you say 'confidential information excepted' it kinda sounds like we're hiding something."
"Hmm, that's a good point. How do you think that line should go? It would've never occurred to me to count 'the food sucks' as disloyal... Would 'I will not report it in any way I think could plausibly harm you' do, to let me talk normally to the Mendevians but not contribute to bizarre Chelish politics, or do you think I'm too naive to manage that? I wouldn't blame you," slight smile, "but in that case you have to come up with something else."
Was that one of those Chelish ways of not saying a thing outright?... Yes, he thinks, and he appreciates Ferrer coming close enough to actually saying it that he managed to notice, but the trouble is he still doesn't know what to do about it.
"Folk as've just met me, I know better than to try doing this with. Folk as've known me for two days, which you're right is still not very long, and might not have given them the best opinion of me anyway... I don't have something better than my judgment to offer you, Ferrer. I would if I did. But you said yourself, I can't just swear to never say anything or it'll look like we're hiding something..."
Is he being an idiot again? Maybe he is. He really cannot tell what will and will not make them feel like they can just say things – do they ever do that, he's starting to wonder – but he should still ask. "...We could have this conversation be fully confidential. No judgment required, I will not repeat or act on anything no matter what it is. It doesn't work to do that all the time but it's fine to do for an hour. Would that help?" If it's scary to spring an oath on people without warning, does that mean they'll give him any sort of answer if he only proposes one? He suspects not. A very careful Chelish sort of answer, maybe, that he might decipher if he's lucky.
Right then. What the fuck does he even say.
"Look, kid," he begins finally, "I get what you're going for an' it's a, a kind thought. But it ain't gonna work the way you want it to, it only partway worked for us 'cause you gotta know how to be around paladins up here. An' Artigas, s'pose," he adds. "But- y'can't hurry trust. Not even with paladin shortcuts what might work in Taldor. If you're gonna go down to the mainland, you gotta figure out a way to handle folk being scared of you that don't need'em to stop."
"I know that," a serious look. "I will try, I know it's going to be hard, and thank you for explaining why this kind of thing won't work."
"But do you want me to swear proper confidentiality, for this conversation? Not... I get that I can't make you trust me, no matter what I swear. But would you like me to, anyway."
"I genuinely cannot tell if this is an oblique Chelish no or an oblique Chelish yes." Wry smile. "Though at least I've now noticed that it might be one or the other."
"But let's, if only so you can tell me if that one is straightforward enough to be any good to someone who doesn't know me but knows paladins keep their word. And if I'm... managing to do it in a non-alarming way this time."
He does write it out – this one's a standard form, or near enough – offers it to Ferrer to look at, reads it out where they can both see the text matches.
"Anything you say to me for the next hour or until both of us agree we're done, I will not tell anyone about, nor to the best of my ability act on in any way, without your uncoerced permission, except for any parts of it I find out about from another source in a way that would have still happened without this conversation. I so swear on my Law and in Iomedae's name."
"This is full confidentiality, it includes planning serious crimes. It's important that people can talk to paladins about that, sometimes. I still don't think you will, but I wanted the version that doesn't rely on my judgment or on whether we agree on what serious crimes are."
"It seemed a bad idea to have that apply to all our conversations for weeks," though he doesn't have a very clear idea of why, and should write his order and ask their thoughts on it in addition to their thoughts on all the rest of this, "but for a limited time, this is the standard oath for when someone wants to talk about difficult things."
"Yeah. It's why there's a 'to the best of my ability' in there, because I've been judged competent to take this oath but I'm not going to be perfect at not doing anything differently. It's really supposed to be... less acting, and more putting that stuff in a separate part of your head where it doesn't feel like it's real."
"So, does this seem like it would do anything useful for people who don't know me but know paladins keep their word?"
Amused noise. "They can do that. Might be good for giving more people some idea of how paladins work."
"The usual reasons for confidential conversations are... people who did something Evil in the past and want to talk about how to not go to Hell. Witnesses to crimes, who may have been in on it but we don't know about that, or they're just worried that we'll think so. People who are currently doing something Evil and want help in stopping - they're in a gang, or being blackmailed into crimes, or something like that. But mostly it's people who aren't doing any crimes, it's just that it's easier to talk if they don't have to worry about that."
"It says 'without your uncoerced permission', so they can just tell me I'm fine to talk about this and that but not the other thing – but yeah, if there's a lot of it it might be cleaner to finish the confidential conversation and have a separate normal one with just those parts. Or talk through what they want known, write it down, and then give it to me later. That's probably what I'd suggest, with anything complicated."
An appreciative nod for how Ferrer clearly understands.
"I want to move to a different town, but the baron has his ways to keep people from leaving and I don't want him to hear I'm trying. My husband beats me and the children so badly that it scares me, is there anything I can rightly do to stop him without breaking my marriage oath? I was drafted to fight in a war, we killed people half of whom probably hadn't done anything wrong, we set villages on fire with women still in them, and I feel like I shouldn't have done those things but it's not as if I had a choice. My family died to a plague and my life is miserable and I hate all the gods for it, will I be damned just for hating them? I don't want to obey my parents or marry who they tell me to, if I run away from home can I ever lead a Lawful life again?"
"It is not. Folks will say all kinds of things, because their grandparents said so or because the local priest got himself confused about how the gods work. You will not be damned for hating the gods or speaking against them, in itself. If you live a worse life because of it, and I expect you usually would, you will obviously be judged accordingly, but it'll only be the ordinary judgment due your life. If you convince other people to abandon the teachings of the righteous gods, and their lives and afterlives are worse by it, you will be judged for that too, although only some of the Evil is yours. But if you only think bitter thoughts, that's fine. If you drunkenly shout that Iomedae should rot in the Abyss Herself if She couldn't protect your family from it – She does not exactly agree with you, but neither does She mind, if nobody heard you who's likely to be led astray by it."
"And I expect in Rahadoum many people still reach Heaven, if they've lived good lives otherwise. Though I wonder what exactly they do there."
"Thank you for trying it." He takes the paper and folds it up for later use.
"...The Goddess give you ease."
Maybe he shouldn't have said that – he can immediately imagine Ferrer grumbling that he's fine and why the fuck does Marcus care anyway – but that was close enough to spiritual counseling that it feels like it needs a fitting end for one. He can at least move back to his own bunk without looking at him or otherwise seeming like he's expecting an answer.
"Rice 'n beef- they load the oxen up with everything else an' slaughter 'em at the fort. Cabbage or onion if we're real lucky." Khalida can probably tell he's being a little smug about beef every day. "What've your boys done that you've gotta threaten 'em about?" He's still leaning against the wall where he moved aside, easy and loose-limbed, weight far enough back that if he made a move towards Marta she'd see it coming a mile off.
She's watching his easy stance with more curiosity than wariness.
"Oh, it's always something," amused. "Leave a mess in the storeroom, steal shit and think I can't tell, complain to the commander about what we haven't got enough of like it's my fault. But I can't exactly threaten them with getting beef every day, now can I." Snort. "Tell me something you've really got worse, make me feel better."
"Mhm. I'm trying to do things right this time – uh, please tell me if I end up doing something else alarming anyway... But here's the temporary confidentiality oath written down, look it over and see if it seems like a reasonable thing to be doing and if you'd like any changes."
"Literally anything," a definitive nod. "You tell me you mean to cut my throat tomorrow night, and I will put down my sword and take off my armor and do my best to fall asleep, though the 'to the best of my ability' is there in case I fail at it." There's a shadow of a sharp grin on his face, as if part of him is looking forward to having his word tested that thoroughly.
Cambra huffs out a sigh and flops back on the opposite bunk. "And if I, I, spent the whole hour insulting your mother wi'every vile word I know in three languages, you'd smile like that across th'breakfast table next morning an' every day for the rest of the trip. Because it's that important to you nobody ever be able to guess what we talked about."
"The proper way to do it is to, hmm, convince my heart to treat the conversation like a dream, so that I would still truthfully like you. And I find it easy to like people in any case. I might have more trouble in the other direction, if anything..."
"But in the end, yes, you could say there is. I'd guess it's not even formally considered possible to lie with your face? Because... there's already any number of reasons why my face might not perfectly match how I feel about whoever I'm looking at, right, maybe I'm just smiling because I'm in a good mood or not smiling because my head aches – so it doesn't seem quite the same thing as lying, to add one more possible reason. Though," a pause to think through the implications of that sentence, but no, it's fine, "maybe it would feel like I was lying, if I were ever in a situation where it was a big difference... I'm not sure what I'd do with that. It is a very good question, and I should really talk to my order about it before it comes up. If you're all right with that."
"Obviously not." He's not Chelish but he has some concept of not unnecessarily risking getting people in trouble.
"So, did that make sense? ...Or do you want my oath before talking more about it, which would be very reasonable to want, unless you have more questions about it instead."
"Anything you say to me for the next hour or until both of us agree we're done, I will not tell anyone about, nor to the best of my ability act on in any way, without your uncoerced permission, except for any parts of it I find out about from another source in a way that would have still happened without this conversation. I so swear on my Law and in Iomedae's name."
Normally, when you're doing spiritual counseling, you can simply ask what someone came to you to talk about – but Cambra did not so much come here as get dragged in by circumstances, so it is not in fact very clear what they should be doing. It wouldn't be fair to ask him the kinds of difficult questions that usually come standard with the job, even if Marcus might hope he will find himself wanting to talk about some of them.
"So, did the thing about not really lying with my face make sense? Or do you think it's messed up that paladins can do any of that at all? Now I'm a bit worried that I'll get myself into some bizarre confidentiality situation that'll prohibit me from ever making faces again, and I'd really hate that."
"... Or if you just want to swear at me or anything first, you can do that, you know. I think sometimes it helps."
"Pretty much a surprise. Not that I wasn't hoping for it, a little, but probably half the kids in Mendev do. I came here to volunteer because it was the easiest Worldwound border to get to from home, fought for a while, and apparently well enough that Iomedae approved." There's that slightly glowing happy expression again. "...Then I had a bit of a hard time finding a paladin order I liked, and spent a couple of weeks learning the rules before coming back to the front."
"They do have a proper paladin school in Lastwall, and I'd love to go there someday and learn how to do all this properly, but... s'more important to keep the demons out than to be proper about it."
"Nothing big that I could tell. Just, it was sometime soon after it all stopped feeling like a strange new adventure to me and started feeling like just... obviously the thing I'm doing with my life."
"Wasn't exactly that I just woke up and could smite, though. It... felt like something, the first dawn. Like the Goddess looking at me for a moment." He's making one of those faces that don't correspond to any sane human combination of feelings Cambra's ever seen.
Oh.
(Then he will look away too, not so far that he can't see his face at all, but enough to leave him some space.)
"I... have no way to know. Suicide is usually counted Evil more than Chaotic, though I suppose under the circumstances it was a desertion as well. If he was thinking clearly at all, he could have found some oaths to break, to make sure."
Ohh.
"...And people often find that it makes them feel a little better, to confidentially talk to... someone they trust, or respect, or like, not that I have very confident guesses if any of that's true here... about why they hate someone. Maybe for Chelish people it doesn't help, but it could be worth trying. That was why I asked, in any case."
Marcus doesn't give Cambra an unconvinced look about that because it's not allowed.
"I s'pose I could. I meant to figure out what to replace it with first, and I'm not sure when we'll have the time, but if you'd rather have me around without one than with a confusing one?" Questioning look all around.
Ah, the Chelish habit of not answering questions. But if Ferrer feels like he could pick at it on purpose then it's doing something. "I'll keep it for now, and think about it in the morning."
He takes off his boots, puts his swordbelt away, and so on. ...If he can catch Cambra's eye after lying down, he'll flash him a sharp grin, because that part of the conversation was before the oath and he's allowed to make faces about it.
"Done with the Light, thank you. Sleep well, all."
Either she doesn't notice him waking or she doesn't talk to anyone before she's had her morning communion with the infinite, but he can see enough of the corner of her bunk past the curtain to tell she's shifting to sit crosslegged, blanket still wrapped over her knees and around her waist, hands loosely cupped in her lap.
Well, that could be better, but it could definitely be worse. He'll grab a bowl and sit down with them.
"Morning. ...Oh, and you were right," a nod to Ferrer, "I should just undo that oath. So, here, that's formally over," he makes the oath-cutting gesture to go with the words. He realized when he sat down that it didn't have an exception for conversations other people could hear, either, and yeah that really was just going to be too complicated to live with.
"Should listen t'you more in general, really." Bit of a smile.
"Not each time," Khalida points out. (She's taken her gloves off to warm her hands on her porridge bowl and there's a tattoo visible on the back of her left hand, a single line curving around to form most of the outline of a mask.) "Sometimes one notices he intends to say something and kicks him first."
He laughs at Khalida's demonstration. "Exactly so. I don't mean to say there is a class, just-- I feel like there can be various things wrong with them but there aren't always, and-- I don't feel like I-- have the experience to know where the lines are?" He's not actually either squirming or blushing, but still gives the impression of this being a near occasion of both.
"Yes, I think that's the one I'd worry most about – not even a specific person, necessarily, though you're entirely right about that, but something that speaks of, say, all women badly, or makes some sort of ill-treatment sound acceptable... But on the other hand it's not as if it's Evil to say something someone might be wrongly inclined by, if you didn't mean it and most people wouldn't take it so, or else we'd barely be able to hold a normal conversation, and those are part of a Good life."
"Right, I can see how that works better. And there's more sweet things like that than savoury ones. Marzipan, or rosewater and sugar, or honey and cream, or the sort of orange preserves that're boiled smooth..." It turns out Marcus has eaten rather a lot of fancy desserts in his life. "Did you know you can put cinnamon in food?... Though I've only heard about that one."
There's something important under that question, isn't there. But he thinks he should give Ferrer time to think through it himself, and maybe pick the topic up again at patrol, rather than starting a complicated discussion about religion in the mess.
Not to mention distracting the Learned from her food again, probably. How about he instead gives a good example of finishing his porridge without more talking, especially since Ferrer and Cambra are long done.
Marcus nods, "Of course," with no visible tension at all. A bit of concern in his voice, but it's the usual paladin sort of concern, that probably there's a problem somewhere that he might be needed to solve.
He quickly finishes the last few spoonfuls of his porridge, pushes the empty bowl toward the middle of the table with a faintly apologetic look about leaving them to deal with it. "I'll see you in a bit."
Commander Auerbrandt is a tall, solidly built man well past fifty, with a shock of greying hair and neatly trimmed beard, left arm gone from a bit past the wrist.
(He has a buckler specially wrought to strap securely onto the stump. The Queen had actually offered him a Lay On Hands once, years ago when she'd passed through this section of the line, but he'd gotten used to it by then and asked her to heal one of the younger men in his place.)
He's working on a letter when Marcus arrives, but pushes it aside and stands to greet his guest. "Ser Marcus Aemine, I take it?"
"I... well, I suppose of course we are, people stuck in a fort will talk about anything that hasn't already happened a dozen times... But if you're talking to me about it then I assume it's not only that. What is the problem, and what would you wish me to have done better?"
That gets a flash of something like alarm. "I've not-- made her any promises, nor implied them, nor touched her inappropriately, nor implied wanting to nor even thought about it, and I'm not sure what else it is I should not be doing--"
... Deep breath. He should really get the situation straight before asking complicated questions about it. "Sir. I met her two days ago. I-- I do like her, but it's not-- if I saw Ferrer looking like he was about to break down crying over his stew, I'd offer him a hug and a conversation. If it seemed like he might remotely want that, at least."
Another sigh. "I know you mean that, and I know you'd never hurt her, and if you've never thought about touching her then maybe I'm on a fool's errand and no one would be gladder than me to learn it. But- I've seen too many brilliant young lads who should've had years ahead of them make stupid choices in the heat of the moment. Not just over girls, mind you. If you want to keep doing the Goddess's work, you don't put yourself in those moments."
"That is true, of course, but... it's also the Goddess's work to comfort people who've been stuck in a Chelish fort and are confused about Good and need someone to be kind to them about it. It... doesn't feel to me like I'll be better at living a paladin's life, if I try so hard not to put myself in difficult situations that I'm avoiding half the people I meet even when they could use my help."
"...But maybe all the young lads say that, and turn out to be wrong." Uncertain half-smile.
"Order of the Egelsee Rowan out of Nerosyan – and please do write them with your side of this so they can advise me better, if you have the time."
"...It does permit more things than most of the orders along the fort line do. Drinking in moderation, for example." And if he thought through all the rules about what makes sex permitted, he suspects he might come to conclusions that he is perhaps better off not thinking about any time soon. "I did go looking for an order that would either forbid fewer things or explain to me convincingly why they should be forbidden. Maybe that's a fault, and with time I would've gotten used to how Mendev does things. But... the Goddess permits different rules to exist so we can choose one we're suited to, and She knew what I was like when She took me up."
"I've no shortage of letters either," he remarks wryly, "but yes, I'll write them. And I'm sure they've got a reason for whatever it is they're doing. Just- talk with her, make sure she doesn't think you've implied anything. Those southern women can have funny ideas, you know."
"I will. I wouldn't have thought of it without this conversation, but you're right that I should. Thank you."
"And... about the speculation and so on... Is that itself a problem, or is it only me you were really worried about? I can try to be more careful, if you think it's important that people not talk." Though he's not sure if he'd be much good at it.
"I... will think on how to be a better example while still doing what I think I should be. I admit I've been mostly acting as if being a paladin means everyone will know I'm not doing anything wrong, because... that's half the point of us... but you're right that we're not infallible and I should be more careful, especially when I am doing things most paladins here wouldn't and perhaps shouldn't. And being foreign in the first place isn't helping here, because I don't quite know which things will look wrong." Ah, he's going to have to buy so much paper.
"Are there specific things that matter here, that I could stop doing, or is it that the impression of, well, being friends with a young unattached woman, is in itself enough of a problem that it doesn't matter much how I go about it?"
"Well, yes. Being currently a paladin, you haven't yet done anything wrong. But I've got to hold this fort with the men I have, not just right this moment but however many years it takes until there's few enough demons they won't be escaping to tear through our villages. And that's going to be a damn sight harder if some of those men stop being paladins because they misjudged how far was far enough." He adds, a bit gruffly, "Not to mention being awful hard on the poor lads themselves."
"Yes, sir." A solemn nod. "I will think on it. I can't pretend to live under their rules when I'm not, but I should find a way not to make their duty harder. ...It's different in my fort, where everyone knows about me, then when I'm only passing through, and I didn't think of that."
He gets a nod in return. "I understand that, son, and nobody could ask anything more of you." Auerbrandt shuffles some papers around on his desk unnecessarily. "You asked what specific things you might be doing- being friends is well enough, so far as it goes, although apparently you two give the impression of being- rather touchier than the usual run of friendship. But what was called to my attention was, ah, 'shut up together in a closet for an hour with one of her men lurking outside, glaring down anyone who tried to come near'... now, I do understand these things can grow in the telling."
Ah, paladins. Worse than wizards for being technically correct at the least convenient possible times.
"I see. I suppose then it shrank in the telling, in one sense at least." No, that's a bit cruel to the lad, he doesn't need puns right now. "I'm sure that whatever you two were getting up to in there, your order was fine with it, and clearly the Goddess is, but I take it you can see how it looks?"
A wryly chastised nod.
"I hugged her, which she very badly needed, and we had a long conversation about Good and about what the Goddess does and doesn't demand from people. I found the nearest private place for it because she really did nearly break down crying over the stew, and understandably didn't want to do more of that in public, and spiritual counseling in private is not an unreasonable thing to be doing."
"...I can see now how I should've really found a different place to do it in."
A slightly hysterical huff of laughter. "And anyone would've told me that if I thought to ask. Thank you, sir, that's great demonstration of exactly how much of an idiot I was."
"I really am sorry about the rumors, although I'm not sure there's anything I can usefully do about them at this point."
"No, nor I, trying to deny that sort of thing always makes them worse. They'll die down on their own soon enough. ...and not quite anyone could've said, if it helps, only those as've had need of it since Select Ingmar died." And the staff in charge of sorting out who uses what spaces when, which for his sins he is the final call on just as he is for everything else.
That certainly looks like the face of a man who is remembering his many other duties that have been interrupted by this additional one.
"May his soul find paradise, and ours in our turn." A brief solemn silence. "Was there anything else, or should I leave you to your work, sir?"
"And with you." He gives the man a slight bow and a fond look, and leaves to think about the next conversation he needs to have.
Khalida is either catching up on her sleep, in which case he definitely shouldn't go in and risk waking her, or she's preparing her spells, in which case he could go in but won't be able to talk to her anyway. Seems like a time to lean against the wall across from their door and wait.
Some minutes later, there's a few words of murmured conversation from behind the door, and then Ferrer lets himself out and closes it carefully behind him, saddlebags over one shoulder. He gives Marcus a brief searching look when he spots him, then a quiet nod. "You're fine. She's at her books."
He notices the hesitation – that's as much as a question, from Ferrer, and he thinks he can guess what question it is.
"Ah, it's fine, really. Just got lectured about being too friendly with the Learned and giving people ideas, and now I've gotta talk to her about it, and, well... I'd as soon not watch her at her books for half an hour while I think about it, first."