“What the FUCK, I fucking hate you, you bastard, is this your idea of a fucking JOKE, I’m going to murder you, you—”

Turning the boat around hasn’t worked the past several times he’s tried it, but maybe it’ll work this time?

“Hi, uh, Tommy, you’re going the wrong way? You just turned towards L’Manberg, and Paramin’s taking us on a vacation away from L’Manberg. I can help with directions if you got turned around!”

“Thanks Ghostbur,” Tommy mutters, and turns them back around to be following Paramin. 

"Those... are some thoughts. Glad we're at an understanding. Because you're not going to murder me, we're friends, Tommy!" She continues rowing.

“We’re not FUCKING friends, Paramin, you just fucking exiled me and blew up my vacation home, this is your fault, ohhhhhh I hate you so much.”

"Look, Tommy, I'm glad you're finding ways to cope but you burned down George's house! You shouldn't have done that. Honestly, this is for your own good."

“How is it FOR MY OWN GOOD. You EXILED ME.”

"Vacation. And look! We're here now." The shore rises in the distance, chunks popping into view covered in trees and sand.

“When can I— when can I go back, I want to go back, L’Manberg’s, like— I mean, it’s my home, man.”

"This is your new home, Tommy! Look, lots of trees for building - I'll help you get started." She starts chopping down some oak.

“No! This isn’t, this isn’t my home, I don’t want to live here, my home is L’Manberg, I’m not staying here. Fuck you.” He doesn’t get back in the boat, though, just paces on the shore. 

“It’s okay, Tommy, it’s just a vacation, remember? We can make a little vacation home for you, and then you can go back to L’Manberg!”

“Auuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhh. I don’t want a fucking vacation home, I want— Tubbo said that he’d, that he was— is this shock, am I in shock? Is this what shock feels like?”

"Didn't Tubbo exile you? Why would you listen to him? I'm your friend after all. And Ghostbur agrees! Go ahead and strip these logs, will you?"

“Ohhhhhh fuck you, fuck you, fuck you—”

“Sure, no problem!” Logs: stripped. 

"You don't mean that. Be like Ghostbur." She thinks for a moment, then digs a hole and gestures. "Oh, and put your inventory in the hole."

“What? No! They’re my things! Why would I do that?”

“Okay! Here’s my seeds, here’s my gunpowder, here’s my eggs, here’s my flowers…” 

“No, no, Ghostbur, don’t—don’t give her all your things, you don’t have to, they’re not her things—”

“Here’s my twenty-nine trapdoors, here’s my sea lanterns, here’s my fishing rod, and here’s my picture of Alex Quackity. That’s all!”

"Oh, I'm not taking them." She holds up a TNT block. "Just destroying them. So you don't hurt yourself by accident, that's all - besides, a clean start's good for you. Into the hole now, Tommy."

“Or what? They’re my things, I’m not going to give you all my things!”

She flips from the TNT to a lapis-encrusted crossbow that shimmers menacingly.

Tommy pulls his axe out. It’s not enchanted, but it’s diamond, at least. Two can play at that game, bitch. 

She points it at Ghostbur.

“…What the fuck, man, that’s not cool.”

“It’s okay, Tommy, I have infinite canon lives!”

(Tommy doesn’t move, but he’s visibly wavering.)

"It's fine, Tommy. Tell Ghostbur it's fine. That you'll put your things in the hole."

“But it’s not, you’re— what the fuck, Paramin!”

She steps towards Tommy quickly, hopping over the pit before he has time to react, and kisses him on the cheek. "Be a good boy and" - she shoots Ghostbur - "drop everything in the hole."

“What the fuck— okay okay I’m doing it I’m doing it, leave Ghostbur alone—” He drops everything he has in the hole. And then he steps back, glaring, and scrubs at his cheek where she kissed him. 

She laughs as she flips back to the TNT, places and ignites it. "You care about people so much, Tommy. I like that about you." There's a hiss and a boom and no change in the smiling mask of her face. "Maybe too much." She tosses him a wooden axe. "Night's coming. Let's build you a house together. What do you want to call your new home?"

“I don’t want your fucking handouts.” He throws the axe in the hole (now more of a small crater, really). “And I don’t want a house here. I want to go home.”

She laughs again, flipping idly between axe and TNT and crossbow and oddly vibrant lapis. "Ghostbur, does this seem like home to you?"

“I don’t live here! I live in the sewers beneath L’Manberg. Unless something happened and I forgot, I do that a lot.”

She stifles another laugh. "I mean for Tommy! A little vacation home for our Tommy. Though it can be for you for a while if you want to keep us company."

“Oh! Well, there isn’t much here yet, but I could help build one?”

“NO. I said no. I am not making a fucking house here, I have a house and I am going back.”

“Well, you’re here right now, right? And it’s night soon, we need a place to sleep. It doesn’t have to be a permanent home, just for your vacation! And it looks like it’s going to rain and I reaaaaaally would like a roof over my head for that, okay?”

“…fuck you, man,” Tommy mutters, but the heat’s gone out of it. “Build whatever you want. It won’t be my home, though, I’ve already got one of those.”

"Tubbo exiled you from L'Manberg, Tommy. It's not your home anymore. But cheer up! This is your home now. Want to name it? I know how you love naming things."

“It’s not my fucking home. I don’t— you took all my things!”

“Tommy, are you thinking what I’m thinking? Lads on tour. Lads on tour!!! Because we’re lads, and we’re on tour.” Ghostbur bounces and waves to Tommy. “Hello! Lads on tour!”

Sigh. “Hello Ghostbur.”

"I didn't take anything from you, Tommy. In fact, I gave you an axe! Look, it's down there. Why don't you go get some wood, and I'll get you some wool for a bed. Setting your spawn is an important part of making a house a home."

"You gave me a fucking pity axe, I'm not taking your pity things. --Awwwwww I have to go punch a tree--" Time to punch a tree! He stomps his feet the whole way to the tree and he's got a deeply annoyed expression.

She follows him close enough to be annoying but not close enough that he can claim that she's violating personal space, and picks up each log as it falls.

Is she also cutting down trees or is she picking up his logs that he is punching a tree for. 

Picking up his logs, and she shears away the leaves when the logs are gone.

“Dude! Not cool! Get your own fucking logs! You have a fuckin Tory axe, why are you making me mine this with my fists if you’re not letting me keep it.”

"Did you actually cut one down? I don't see any blocks in your hands. I've got shears, I'm cutting wool for you. Friend."

“Yeah, I don’t have any blocks because you fucking took them, you absolute prick.”

"Why would I need your blocks? It's getting late, stop arguing and start chopping." She wanders off towards a nearby sheep and shears it.

“I’ve been chopping, fuck you.” Is she close enough that she’ll be able to swoop in and grab the log if he punches a tree again because if so then he is not even going to try. 

Probably not. She seems focused on the sheep anyways. She's already got the wool, but she's slashing it with the shears and waiting for it to calm down before slashing it again.

Fine, okay, he’ll go back to punching the tree then. 

…And while Paramin’s attention seems safely off them, Ghostbur will walk up to him and covertly drop him some logs before going back to chopping his own. 

She stops tormenting the sheep, flipping to her sword and casually leaving its remains on the ground as she approaches him. "What do you have there, Ghostbur?"

“You wanted logs, right? For building? So I got some logs for you! I don’t have very many yet, though.” 

"It's important to let Tommy get his own logs. He doesn't want your pity logs."

“Okay! I can stop punching trees then.”

"Why don't you get your own logs, Tommy? Do you need charity? From a ghost?"

“I am literally punching a tree right now, what more do you want from me.”

"Give Ghostbur his logs back. It's not fair otherwise."

“Or what?”

She just whistles, swinging her sword so close to Ghostbur that fine, wispy hair falls to the ground.

“You’re a right bastard, you know that?” He drops a couple logs. 

She shakes her head. "Come now, Tommy, did you really think you could decieve me like that? Me? Your friend? I know you, Tommy. All the logs, now."

“I dropped Ghostbur’s. I kept the one I got myself.”

"Are you sure?"

“Yes.”

She breaks into a smile. "Then have some wool! Make yourself a bed, night is nearly here." She flicks flint and steel and the logs on the ground are gone. Untidy to leave them lying there.

“And if I don’t, you hurt Ghostbur.”

"You know I'd never hurt you, Tommy." It's not a no.

“You fucking bastard, you actual— you’ve literally killed me twice, you exiled me, fuck you, you fucking bitch.”

"Tubbo exiled you, Tommy! Not me. I'm your friend. Now make the bed."

“What the fuck, you sanctimonious bastard, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you—” Will she let him get another log at least or will she take it again? Because he’s making his first log into a crafting table. 

She'll allow it. She strokes his hair while the block is half-broken and he can't move or his work will be interrupted.

This sucks.

Eventually he has enough wood and he can get out of the way and make a bed. "I made the bed for you, bitch, are you happy now."

"It's for you, silly. I don't need a bed here, this is your home. Go on and set your spawn now."

"...Fine."

You whisper to WilburSoot: you should leave

WilburSoot whispers to you: why would I leave?

You whisper to WilburSoot: just trust me

And Tommy puts the bed down and sets his spawn.

"Well, Tommy said I should go, so I'm going to go now! Bye!"

"I--uuuuuuggggghhhhhhhh, you weren't--bye, Ghostbur."

She glances at Tommy, curious. "What did you go and do that for? It's not like I can kill him, he has 'infinite canon lives'." She's moving around the bed and placing blocks in a big square, starting the foundation of walls since Tommy hasn't for himself.

"...You can still hurt him, just because he'll forget doesn't mean it won't happen."

"The past is our memory of it, Tommy. If Ghostbur doesn't remember, and you don't remember, it barely even happened!"

"No, I don't think that's true."

"I do. You will. Help me with these walls, would you?"

“No, I don’t think I will.”

"Please?"

“You’re really— you’re really asking please, like, that’s what you think it’ll take for me to be all ‘oh, yes, how silly of me, of course I’ll help you out!’”

"It's the magic word." She tosses him a few blocks of cobble. "I brought your favorite, too."

“Don’t want your fucking pity things.” Time to go back to punching trees. Hopefully this time she doesn’t take his logs or pet his hair. 

Little of column A, little of column B.

Is he able to make any progress in terms of picking up logs because if not he is going to give up and go exploring. 

Enough to make it worth staying, but it's slow going. He really ought to sleep, there are monsters out.

Does he have, like… a door. If so, sure, he’ll sleep. If not, he gets enough wood to make a door, puts it down, and then starts to lay down. …Is Paramin still there when he goes to sleep?

Yes, he has a door. Yes, she's there. She's placed an end stone brick stair at the foot of the bed and is sitting there, looking up at the night sky. Sometimes he might see her gaze flick towards him, but it's hard to tell in the dark.

"Tommy, I'm not a hostile mob. You can sleep around me."

“Are you just going to watch me sleep because I’m gonna be honest Paramin that’s kind of weirdchamp.”

"Don't worry about it. Get some rest. You've got a lot of building to do in the morning."

“No I fuckin’ don’t,” he says, but he goes to sleep. 

(He sleeps poorly, tossing and turning with nightmares. He screams once and wakes up but goes back to sleep immediately.)

She's at his side as he wakes, dropping potatoes at his feet that she knows he won't accept from her. Yet.

Fucking creepy.

He doesn't have a flint and steel yet so he can't actually set the potatoes on fire but he can pointedly walk around them. He has a wooden pickaxe and sword, time to go caving. And to loudly complain to himself.

awesamdude whispers to TommyInnit: are you ok?

TommyInnit whispers to awesamdude: cant talk rn

<ConnorEatsPants> since the british kid is gone can i have my house back

<Ranboo> no

<ConnorEatsPants> :,(

Technoblade whispers to hanchoh: hey what're your coords

Technoblade whispers to hanchoh: i won't attack you or anything i just want to make fun of tommy

hanchoh whispers to Technoblade: 600 / -2000

"Tommy, you need to eat. Big man needs his strength, haha."

"Well, someone took all my fucking food, didn't they." He'll take a potato and eat it, though. Once he's not hungry anymore he throws the rest of the potatoes back. "Wait, I don't want your fucking pity food, leave, fuck you!"

Someone peeks into the mine! "HAHAHA LOOK AT THIS LOSER, THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN."

"WHAT THE F-- I FUCKING HATE YOU YOU PIG IN A CROWN LOOKING FUCKING PINK PRICK, IF I SAW YOU I WOULD--"

"Remember that time you gave up everything for your country and then it just exiled you at, like, the first threat? Awwwww that was hilarious, that was hilarious!"

"What the fuck."

"Techno! So nice to see you. Tommy, be polite to your guests. Techno, you've come so far, have some potatoes!" She gestures grandly at the pile of potatoes that haven't yet despawned.

"Yeah, Tommy, be polite to your guests! --Oh, potatoes, pog?"

"Leave. Leave. Leave. Fuck you. Leave. Leave. How! HOW!"

She presses a finger to his lips and steps close enough that when she tosses blue his way, he reflexively picks it out of the air.

Sigh. Tommy turns back to Technoblade. "Go away! Go away!!!!"

"Ohhhh he doesn't even have shoes--"

"I don't even have shoes--what the--leave, leave, please!!!!" He tries punching Technoblade; Technoblade seems unaffected, but Tommy's knuckles are bloody from his armor, and he recoils.

"You really shouldn't do that, Tommy. You're only hurting yourself, and I remind you, Techno is your guest. Offer him something."

"I don't have anything to offer. Hey, Technoblade, want some stone tools, you--you--wrongun."

"Nah, I'll pass. Stone tools, man, you are, like, poor poor. Wow. Gonna be honest, Tommy, that is a massive L."

"Please--why! Just go away, just go! You're just here to mock us! ...Got any free things--no, wait, I don't want things from a pig, they'd be covered in mud and-- leave!!!"

"You don't need his charity, Tommy. Back to building your house, if you're going to be rude about it. How are you, Techno? Toppled any governments lately?"

"Nah." He takes off his armor; he's got new clothes on, more blue than red. "I'm a changed man. Renounced my violent ways, moved to the arctic, started a turtle farm, that sort of thing."

"I'm not building a fucking house here. Leave me alone." He considers attacking Technoblade, just to see if he can, but Paramin's in full netherite and will probably stop him before he can even get one hit in.

She most certainly would. She gives him a little open-hand slap on the back of his head to send him on his way.

"A turtle farm. Got any scutes on you?"

"Ow, what the hell Paramin."

"Not on me. Why? D'you want some?"

To Technoblade: "Wouldn't mind a few."

To Tommy: "If you're not going to be polite to our guest, then you might as well go be useful."

"Well, I'm sure we can work something out sometime. Just name a time and place."

"You said that you're in the Arctic? I'll go with you now, if you're free."

"...Eh, sure, not like I was doing anything better with my afternoon."

"Going on a trip with Techno, big man. Be back later. Be good while I'm gone."

"I'm gonna go with Paramin now, Tommy. See how that government worked out for you. I'm just saying, Tommy, maybe you've been working with the wrong people. I wish you luck on your, uh, quest."

"BYE."

She drops a stack of cobble for him, ruffles his hair and sets off.

Well.

This sucks.

He goes back into the mine and shovels gravel until he gets a piece of flint--he has a furnace going, now, with a few iron ore in it and a few pieces of coal--takes an iron ingot, combines it with the flint to make a flint and steel, and heads back up to the surface.

He's not building a house here. He's going back to L'Manberg. He can make a campsite, maybe, or an outpost, or a tower, but he's not making a home.

He sets the stack of cobble on fire and walks around, talking and praying as he does. He feels less lonely, talking to people, even if they're incorporeal and can't talk back very well. (He's pretty sure there's more of them than usual, which he tries not to think about, in the same way he's trying not to think about how Tubbo prayed for guidance before going through with exile.) He's acutely aware that Paramin could come back at any time, that he has a limited amount of time to get logs and iron and food and everything before she comes back. He really does need food, though, so that's his first goal.

There's a ruined portal nearby with some glistering melons, and just beyond that, a village; he doesn't bother farming, just grabs some hay to turn into bread later before heading back. It's almost dark by the time he reaches the dirt-shack-with-a-door; he goes back to punching trees until night falls.

Sam comes up. "--Tommy?" He drops a stack of pumpkin pie.

...Tommy picks it up. "Sam?"

"I was looking for you. I came here to deliver you a message." Some mobs have started to come out; Sam fends them off easily. Such are the benefits of an enchanted netherite sword. (Tommy has an iron sword and partial armor now, at least--there was an enchanted gold chestplate and pants at the ruined portal--but not enough to make night entirely safe.) "This is an important message for you, Tommy."

"From who? Wait, what?"

"I know you were sent away, and I'm sorry. But when you need someone, you know where to find me. My house is far away from all of them, and you can hide with me if you need a place to stay, Tommy. Be safe. I can see this server tearing itself apart. I need to go now, before Paramin comes back." 

"Thank you, Sam."

And then it's time for him to sleep.

She returns under cover of night and makes her presence known by playing a disc outside.

What disc is it? Because if it's Cat or Mellohi he's going to hit the ground running, whether he's half-asleep or not.

Mellohi. Might not be The Mellohi though.

Maybe that would occur to him if he thought about it, but he's not thinking; he's out the door almost before he's awake, running on reflex.

If Paramin's between him and the jukebox he pauses for long enough to remember that (a) he doesn't have an enderchest (b) it would be a stupid idea even if he did, because he doesn't have armor, or weapons, or blocks, or literally anything. If she's not, he's only going to come to this realization after he's already picked up Mellohi, at which point he's committed to the idea no matter how stupid it is.

She'll teach him a lesson about crossing her. Course, that's what this exile is all about. She slashes him across the chest. "It's not even the real disk, Tommy. Put it down."

He drops it and jumps back, flinching. Axe crits fucking hurt when you're not wearing armor, and "not even the real disc" registers at the same time as the pain does.

"Even if it was, did you really think I'd let you take it?" She sighs, disappointed but not surprised.

"Well of course you wouldn't let me, that's why I need my 500 IQ plays, innit?"

"You're not going to 500 IQ me, Tommy."

"Yeah, that's what you think now, bitch."

"Go back to bed."

He considers for a moment.

"...Fine."

"Good boy." She throws him another stack of cobble, and puts the disk back on the player.

He's still not taking pity things. The cobble gets set on fire, not picked up.

...The disc is nice, though. He falls asleep listening to it.

She's standing over his bed again in the morning when the sun rises.

...That's not much less terrifying to wake up to the second time around. He scrambles away and laughs shakily. "Fuckin'--you're like that fuckin' maze game or something."

"Just making sure you're alright, you never finished the ceiling on this place. It's important that you're guarded."

"...If I put up a ceiling will you leave?" 

"No. But I might guard you from outside the house."

"I don't need you fucking guarding me, I'm a big man, I can take care of myself."

She turns and wordlessly shoots a creeper that's about to blow up the entrance to the house.

"Ouuuughhhh. Fuck this I'm going mining." He throws slabs up while he talks, making about half a roof before leaving.

She quietly places more slabs, finishing the ceiling, then ladders up to sit on the roof and watches Tommy hop into the distance.

Mining goes slowly. He gets more iron. He eats bread and melons.

Ranboo whispers to TommyInnit: I cant go with you. But know that I am with you. Ill find you soon. Stay alive ok?

He ignores it, because it’s not true. Ranboo could have gone with him like Ghostbur did. Not that that would’ve been better, necessarily, but it makes everything after “cant” bullshit. 

He goes back to Paramin, instead. “I’m gonna make another church. It’ll be, like, Church 2, the sequel. ‘Cause there’s no prime path here and I gotta get primes somehow. Nothing can come between a man and his primes.”

"That's the spirit! Make this house a home." She places a bell for him.

Oh shit a bell!!!!!! Time to RING THE BELL while explaining to local spirits how his life is SUPER COOL and they should COME HANG OUT WITH HIM and maybe even consider HELPING HIM IN SOME WAY. 

She joins in. Sometimes you just have to shill for Prime on your friend's behalf.

Wow that’s a lot of primes. Holy shit.

(The amount of spirits who seem very enthusiastic about him being in exile can just go in a box in his head where he doesn’t have to think about it. Tommy likes praying and streaming and he’s not going to let Paramin ruin that for him.)

“…Hey, Paramin?”

She pauses, leaning on his shoulder for support. "Yes, Tommy?"

“I can still go to the Nether, right?”

"Why would you want to go there? This is where you live now."

“—Blaze rods, and making shorter paths for people to visit?”

"Nah, those are silly. Go mine some iron so you can have better tools."

Tommy makes a wordless noise of frustration. “How can I even be exiled from the Nether, that doesn’t make any fucking sense.”

She shrugs. "I don't make the rules."

“You do though. You— ghhhhhh. This is why I think you are stupid.”

"Haha, you're right! I do. Anyway, you can't go. I'd get lonely. Stay here and be my friend."

“Only if you give me things. And kill mobs for me. Because I am so very cool and then you will be able to clickbait in your streams that you are friends with me.”

"You a fan of charity, then? Because last I saw, you were still burning pity blocks."

“It’s not charity if I’m scamming you.”

She smiles. "Tell yourself what you need to. Pretty this place up with some towers." And she chucks yet more cobble at him.

“Fuck you. Get scammed, bitch.” And he lights the cobblestone on fire. 

She laughs, and lights him on fire.

Tommy screams and runs to the water to put himself out. “WHAT THE HELL. I HATE YOU. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.”

"Oh, do you not like that game? I thought you liked setting things on fire."

“I DON’T— stand right there, stand right there!” And he tries to light the ground beneath Paramin. (It takes a few tries.) “Yeaaaaah, see how you like it, you fuck.”

"I have fire resistance, Tommy."

Well he was going to put her out but if she’s going to be like that about it he will just leave her. He pitches his voice high and mocking. “Ohhhh look at me, I’m Paramin and I have fire resistance.”

She flips flint and steel from hand to hand. "How many hearts are you at again?"

“…About half.” He internally debates the merits of eating more bread, in case he dies and loses it or she takes it, versus saving it because he only has four pieces left, and decides to save it a bit longer. He’s not that hungry.

She tosses him some carrots. "Fix that."

He throws the carrots right back and pointedly takes out his bread, starting and stopping eating repeatedly so that he makes annoying chewing sounds repeatedly without actually obeying. “Or else what, bitch.”

"Or else you might die from being hurt, Tommy! I don't like seeing you bleed. You're my friend."

“I don’t care, fuck you.”

She goes in for a hug.

And if Tommy tries to dodge the hug?

Then she digs out a block under him and grabs him while he's temporarily trapped.

“HEY. Grabbing a man while he’s down, seriously, ohhhhh fuck you man—” He squirms and tries to push Paramin away but only succeeds in hurting himself on Paramin’s armor. 

"Stand still. You've only got so much health left."

“Fuck you.” He stills, though. 

Pat pat. "Good boy."

“Stop fucking— pat-ronizing me, you’re patronizing me. I’m a big man.”

"Yes. Yes you are." She releases him, though. "What do you need for your home's new church?"

“Well we already have a bell. So now we just have to make the building.” He’s just going to put oak logs down basically at random. “Ughhhhhh I hate building. This is overwhelming me, I’m overhwhelmed.”

She follows behind him, picking up and placing the stray logs into a hexagon around the bell. "You're doing a great job. Keep up the good work."

He's fairly decent at copying Paramin; he gets into a rhythm after a while. It's not long before the church is entirely built. "'S not as good as the first Church we made but that's okay because I'm not staying here. Can't overshadow myself. Remember when we made Church Prime? That was fun. Worship And Prayer, boys, Worship And Prayer."

She places a few obsidian blocks in a spire at the apex of the roof.

Sure, whatever, she can do that. "Can I go back now, pleeeeaaaase, I want to go back. I miss my home, I miss my friends! I've been out here for like THREE WHOLE DAYS."

"This is your home! And I'm your friend. Go on and ring that bell." She places a glowing, rotating crystal inscribed with runes upon the spire and hops down, crouching as she falls to absorb the blow.

“—Wow that was a really bad MLG. Do you not have a bucket. I have a bucket.”

"It's called style, you little goblin." She throws an egg at him.

"Okay but like. It didn't even look good. Why did you even do that, that was hilarious, you should do it again."

She has lots of eggs. She can do this all day.

"If you keep throwing eggs one of them is going to hatch into a chicken and then it will just float down and it would be very funny but also it would not hit me. Maybe I will go be friends with a chicken instead of you and then you will be sorry."

"I think it's good for you to make friends with people who won't betray you."

"Is that what happened, did I get fucking betrayed-- Tubbo said he wasn't thinking with emotion but with reason, but what the fuck is the point if there isn't any emotion? What the fuck, I-- I want to go back, I want to go home."

"It feels like your 'friends' sure rationalized sending you out here to rot quickly. Honestly, I'd want to show then that they didn't break you, didn't make you come crawling back and begging for forgiveness. Make a life out here with your real friend and then they'll regret having sent you away."

"That doesn't-- I trust Tubbo, he wouldn't do that. But he did? And you're--you're not my friend, you're the one that brought me out here-- ugh this doesn't make sense, none of this makes any sense."

"Shh, shh, it's okay. Forget I said anything. Want to go mining with me?"

"...Yeah."

She starts digging a hole, but she doesn't seem to be going down it.

She swaps to a TNT block.

"Wouldn't it be more gratifying if you started your mine from scratch? It would be so thematically appropriate! Just drop your inventory in this hole. I'll give you a pickaxe after, no harm done."

"No it fucking wouldn't? I got these things myself?"

"C'mon, give it a try, it'll be fun! I do this all the time. See?" She tosses some cornflowers into the pit.

“Can’t help but notice that you’ve still got all your armor and tools, big P.” He’ll throw some of his more useless items in the hole, but not his armor or tools or food. 

"Mine weren't charity, big T."

“Neither are mine! I worked for these! What the fuck!!!”

"Oh, silly Tommy. You're so forgetful, don't you remember that you got them from Ghostbur? It's a good thing you have me around to remind you about these things."

“I don’t…” He trails off. 

None of this makes any fucking sense. 

He puts his armor and tools in the hole, along with the pumpkin pie Sam gave him. 

She looks at the pie curiously, gives it a taste. Shrugs.

hissssssss BOOM

"Want a starter pickaxe? Not charity, just a gift from your friend."

He yelps when the TNT goes off; he’s too close to it and the ground shaking almost knocks him over, his ankle twisting when he stumbles.

“Just give it to me for a minute and I’ll get stuff to make my own and give it back.”

She's kneeling instantly at his side, concern scrawled across her face. "Prime, Tommy are you alright? Here, have a golden apple, you could have been killed, don't scare me like that!"

“I’m fine, you’re so—” He cuts himself off before saying clingy. That’s Tubbo’s word. 

(Is it, though? It’s been three days and Paramin’s been waiting by his bed and Tubbo hasn’t visited him once.)

“I’m fine,” he repeats. 

"I care about your well-being." Not like that other so-called friends of yours, she doesn't say. That would be laying it on too thick. "Please eat the apple."

…He eats the apple. 

“Does everyone know where I am? Nobody’s visited.”

"I suppose Tubbo must have told them." Unless he didn't, she doesn't say.

"Maybe Tubbo doesn't know. Tubbo'd visit if he knew, right?"

"Oh, I'm pretty sure he knows. I told him where your new home would be when he told me to exile you."

"Wh-- when? But that doesn't make any sense."

"When we left. Anyway, enough talking, let's start that mine." She tosses him an iron pick and starts digging into a hillside.

"No, but-- I remember leaving, and you didn't-- That doesn't--" He shakes his head and starts digging with her. "Maybe it's just too far away? They wouldn't just all, abandon me like that. Would they?"

"Focus on the digging, Tommy. It's calming. I'm sure your old friends are having a grand old time now."

“No, that’s— that’s not right, they wouldn’t. They can’t be.”

They hit a cave and Tommy starts to go into it, realizes that he only has his fists and a pickaxe to fight mobs with, and immediately retreats to cower behind Paramin. 

"Don't worry about them. I'll protect you." She dispatches the immediately accessible creeper, and follows it up with a systematic dismantling of the spiders.

Tommy cheers when the creeper dies. “Yeah!!!!!! Get fuuuuucked, spiders!!!!!!”

She tosses him a spider eye. "Snack for you."

He squints at it suspiciously for a moment before shrugging and eating it. “Thanks Paramin,” he mumbles around a mouthful of bitter red spider eye. It’ll probably make him sick later, but he doesn’t have any other food in his inventory and he’s hungry. He shouldn’t have sprinted as much as he did after eating the golden apple. 

The nausea hits almost immediately and he lets out a groan. 

She doesn't notice (or care) and wanders off to strip the cave of diamonds if there are any.

(There aren’t any diamonds on this level, but if she goes deep enough she’ll find some.)

Tommy is just going to slump against the wall for, like… ten seconds. Okay. Ugh. Back to mining now. That spider eye was fucking nasty.

He collects any coal and iron that Paramin left behind and then goes back to following her. He hates it, but he doesn’t have armor or weapons or torches, and he’s not quite suicidal enough to go caving without anything. Mostly because it wouldn’t even kill him, he’d just respawn except Paramin would have taken all his stuff and he’d have to start from scratch again.

She's not even placing torches, just carrying one, so he better stay close. She starts digging straight down for y12, since she has fire resistance.

Well, he doesn’t have that much self-preservation. Whatever. He’ll just stand practically on top of her and maintain a constant running commentary. Right now he’s complaining about how poor he is and how it’s not fair. 

"You're rich in friendship! And isn't that what counts?"

“You can’t just fuckin, you killed me and, and all of L’Manberg, you exiled me! But ohhhhh I’m Paramin and that doesn’t matter because I’m your friend~ Fuck you, I’ve been on this server for months and I’m mining fucking iron and coal, this sucks, I’m so poor. Like a little orphan boy.”

"I'm just happy we're spending more time together, you know? Resources aren't as important, you can grind for them, but friendship? Pretty sure you can't grind for that."

“Maybe you can’t. I’m built different. Always on that friendship grind, baby. In this video I will be attempting to beat friendship while three of my friends hunt me down and try to stop me.”

"Also, statistics show that most people who are watching aren't subscribed, so take a moment to check and see if you are." She laughs and mines past some gold without taking it.

“Did you hear that everyone, subscribe to big man TommyInnit, Paramin told you to. —Whoa I just got two new subscribers from that? Thank you to Kaepricorn and Seven for the follows, see, I just got two new friends just by selling out! Always on that fucking friendship grind.”

Prime should have no power here. Odd that it does outside the church at all. Given that he isn't taking the gold, she doubles back and mines it, her armor scraping against him as she squeezes past down the one-wide hallway.

Yeah, gold’s getting ignored. So’s lapis and redstone. Tommy has priorities. (Those priorities are, in order: diamonds, iron, coal.)

Fine. Be that way. She continues until she finds diamonds and quickly empties the pocket, then she turns around and begins bucketing up.

“Hey! Where are you going!”

"Up? I'm done mining."

“Wait for me, at least!”

If he follows her, he has a possibility of drowning in the falling water.

He can take some damage. It’s fine. He’s a big man. 

She accidentally dropped a golden apple, whoops.

His golden apple now, bitch. 

He should be grateful for not drowning in the hole.

Fuck gratitude. If he dies he dies. 

Well, they're at the surface now. He doesn't appear to be dead. Just cold, wet, and bedraggled as a cat in the rain.

“Why’s it so fucking cold out here. It’s fuckin’ grim, man.”

"Do you want a fire? I can set your home on fire."

“No. What? No. What the fuck. This is why you can’t grind friendship and I can.”

"Are you sure? You said you were cold."

“I was just making conversation I don’t need you to start a fire.”

"It's important that you stay warm."

“Well according to me it is also important that I’m not on fire.” Are they doing anything. If they’re not doing anything he is going to start punching trees again out of sheer boredom. How is this what his life has come to. 

"Doubtful. Given that you like setting me on fire, you should also like it." She wanders into the prime church and shuts the door since it's getting dark.

…This sucks. Being exiled sucks. 

He cuts down a couple trees while Paramin isn’t there to take the logs (he’s attacked by mobs but that’s fine, he’s a big man) and then goes into his shack to sleep. 

When he wakes in the middle of the night with terrors, she isn't there.

That’s—

That’s fine. He had wanted her to go away while he slept. He’s not going to be freaked out by something dumb like night terrors and being alone.

She’ll be back in the morning, probably. Right?

He stays curled up on his bed for a bit, but it turns out he’s bad at staying still, so he ends up pacing the tiny room until sunrise. 

She returns at daybreak, covered in her blood (either her own or others', it's impossible to tell), and her armor worn almost to destruction. She makes no move to greet him, or any sign of having seen him at all - just jumps out of her boat and heads directly into the church, not bothering to close the door behind her.

“Par- Paramin? Are you. Are you alright?”

It’s a bit of a stupid question. 

"Obviously, yes." She digs a hole and points a crossbow, swaying. "Armor in the hole."

Normally this is when he’d argue the point, but Paramin looks like she needs a win right now. He takes his armor off and throws it in the hole. “You don’t look alright, mate.”

"I didn't ask for your opinion." She take several tries to light the TNT, but manages in the end.

"What are you going to build today?"

“I was thinking of making a campsite. Cause, like, it’s a vacation, I’m not staying here, but I still need somewhere to put my shit.”

"Honestly, you should probably get used to staying here. Noone's trying to get you back, and at least here you have me. Why not build something more permanent?"

“I’m trying to get me back.”

"Sure." She doesn't look convinced.

“Why’re you being all weird today.”

"I haven't slept much."

“…Oh. D’you, like, need a bed or something? You could stay here, we could put a bed in the church or somewhere, or we could make you a guest tent. But I guess you probably have a bed and a base by now, huh.”

"I totally have a base! And a bed! It's just not here and it would be weird to have a bed in a place without a name that noone else calls home."

“Well. It’s weird for me too. So you could stay with me. If you wanted.”

"Does that make it a home for you? I know you've been staying... very firm... about L'Manberg, but."

“…I can have more than one home. Like how I had my normal home and then my holiday home. But my holiday home got destroyed and now I’m on holiday somewhere else so I guess this is my new holiday home. —And my home’s not even in L’Manberg, it’s an embassy.”

"I'm pretty sure that your old home got given to Connor. Since you won't be needing it any more."

“Connor steals my house all the time, it doesn’t mean shit. I’ll just take it back.”

"Well. Maybe this one should be just as good, is all. Maybe better."

“Well, everything I make is perfect, so that’ll be easy.”

"That's the spirit! Let's make this house a home!"

“Yeah! And maybe if I make something nice then people will come visit?”

Her smile falters. "Maybe."

"They'll visit you too. Fuckin'... Sapnap or whoever."

She snorts. "I can visit Sapnap and George whenever I want, Tommy. I wasn't exiled."

"Well you sure are hanging out here a lot for someone who wasn't exiled."

"Gotta take care of my Big Man."

“Big Man can take care of himself. Not that I’m saying no to company.”

She smiles and starts placing cobble.

Tommy: still not much of a builder. He does his best, but it doesn’t exactly look good. 

She fills in the holes, occasionally with a redder block that's quickly covered. Even Tommy's builds can look nice smoothed out.

And he has chests now, which is an upgrade from  previously, when he didn’t. 

She peeks inside.

There’s not much in there. Dirt, logs, planks, and cobblestone are the only things that there’s a stack of. There’s some iron and some miscellaneous items: three ink sacs, golden horse armor, two wheat, two bones, a piece of string, half a stack of rotten flesh, five redstone, four gunpowder, a flint. 

She replaces the flint with a sponge and the gunpowder with four concrete powder.

“I’m bored,” Tommy announces. “I hate building. We should do something else.”

"What would you like to do, then? You did some mining yesterday, we could do a little more of that?"

"I dunno. I want to go back, man. Can we make, like, a nether path, so that it's easier to get here? We're kind of a ways out, I bet we'd get more visitors if there was a faster way. I know that, like, there's the whole exile, but..."

"And you're sure that you want those visitors? I think we can probably go to the Nether if you want, but I'm not sure that you actually want to make it easier for traitors to visit."

"'S not just Tubbo. Phil wasn't even there. C'monnnnnn."

"They're complicit. They didn't even try to defend you!"

"How was he s'posed to defend me if he wasn't there, that doesn't make any fuckin' sense."

"If they were real friends, they would have known to be there. That's why I was happy to get you out of there, they're not good enough for you."

"That doesn't-- okay, wh-- you're overwhelming me, man. I'm gonna go mine obsidian for a portal."

"Gotta have some diamonds for that first."

"Uuuuuuugh, right, okay. Three diamonds, how hard can it be."

Given that she's taken most of the diamonds in the local chunks, harder than he'd think. But she'll follow him.

He keeps up a running stream of commentary as he goes caving! He's also being reckless--only using a torch in his offhand for light, not fighting back against mob attacks, occasionally digging straight down.

She has a to hide a smile at that. She puts on a concerned voice though, when she addresses him. "Tommy, you're acting strange. Did something happen to you? I'm worried."

"What d'you mean? Maybe you're the strange one, bitch, ever think of that?"

She looks hurt.

What the fuck. He's called her a bitch so many times, why is she being upset about it now.

He's distracted enough by that to not notice right away when he mines into lava. He doesn't get water on himself in time before he dies and respawns. It hurts a little, but losing his stuff hurts more, even though he didn't have much. Maybe especially because he didn't have much. "Aaauuuuuuggggghhhhh. Okay. Bad luck, bad luck."

"You need to be more careful with yourself, Tommy. You only have one life left."

"So what?"

"So your friends - excuse me, friend, would miss you if you killed yourself. Hypothetically speaking, of course."

"Ohhh fuck offffff. Maybe they shouldn't have fuckin' exiled me then, huh."

She looks hurt. "Is it really so bad here, Tommy?"

"Yes! Yes it fucking is, you bitch, all my friends fuckin' exiled me. Why'd you want to exile me, huh, 'cause I sure wouldn't exile someone I'd miss. Fuck you, man. And I'm fucking alive anyway so maybe, maybe I'm fuckin' fine actually and you're just being a bitch."

"To protect you! Those weren't your friends, they're not visiting you even now! Sometimes, you have to make sacrifices to protect your real friends. Play the villain."

"You can't make sacrifices for other people, Paramin, that's not how anything works, you are a dumb bitch and I hate you."

She laughs. "You sure about that? Because it seems like I did it."

"Awwwwww fuck you, man. And now I don't have my things! This sucks."

"Don't be such a baby. You can get some more stuff."

"I'm not a baby you are a baby. You are like a little toddler and I am your paternal figure because I am simply so cool like Philza Minecraft."

"You're a minor." She tosses him an iron pick that's almost used up. "For your diamond hunting."

"Wow, Paramin, just because I'm a minor means I cannot be your father? That is--that is discrimination and I will not stand for it." Back to mining. This sucks but at least Paramin's still here to keep him company.

She places a wooden stair. "You can sit if you want."

He sits. "How am I supposed to go diamond hunting if I am sitting. This is why I am smarter than you."

She tosses him a single diamond. "Like this. Isn't it nice to do what you're told for once?"

“Waiiiiiit.” Tommy stands up and sits down four times in a row. “Now you have to give me four diamonds. It’s scam time, bitch.”

She tosses him four pieces of coal with no change of expression.

“Well this doesn’t help me at all with diamond hunting now does it? Bit of an L for sitting, innit?”

"L. Guess you'll have to mine."

“Mining suuuucks why can’t I just steal shit.”

"Noone to steal from around here."

“I think I should get to go back so I can steal things. What is the point of it all if not trolling people. Skeppy and also Geneva would agree that this is my human right.”

"You know that Tubbo said he'd kill you himself if you came back, right?"

“…What? He— he wouldn’t, he—”