God damnit, she's trying to sleep. Can't these morons be quieter about their robbery? Wait, shit, fuck. This is Osirion. She's not totally sure how the law works here but she knows they're crazy strict about it. Could she get in trouble for not doing something about it? She remembers hearing a story once about an adventuring party who got in a situation like that, she doesn't remember where exactly it took place, could it have been here? And she does have Sleep, though that might not work if they have high-circle casters. But then, even if they do, dying to stop a robbery might get her ruled Good, which means a cushy afterlife instead of having to put up with a husband and pregnancy and kids and all that. Though it might also get her ruled Lawful and Heaven sounds a lot later than Nirvana or Elysium. Can you go to Heaven against your will? She hopes not. Fuck it, she's not gonna get another chance at this, better seize the moment. She grabs her component pouch and creeps down the stairs as stealthily as she can manage.

If Katie can see in the dark, she'll see people moving around in the Employees Only restricted merchandise room, the heavy door thrown open. [ Apparently these people can all see just fine in the dark; they haven't lit any lamps or cast any light spells. ] 

There's a steady rustling noise; if Katie can see, she'll see that the display soybean plant is growing at a visible rate, across the floor, bigger than soybean plants should.

She'll need slightly less perception to hear and see the person inspecting the shelves behind the counter, inches away from moving their head and getting a clear view of her.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. She tosses off a Sleep spell in their general direction, hoping to hit their co-conspirators as well and also she might get ruled Evil if she kills when she could incapacitate and also she would feel kinda gross about it.

A thud as whoever it is falls over.

Sounds of confusion in the merchandise room and the meeting rooms behind it.

"What the--"

"RAN!"

People rush out. 

A light flares up.

Someone is kneeling to wake the fallen halfling, there's a bulky cloaked blonde with a sword charging Katie, a horned figure, somebody else.

Oh shit. Here it comes. This is gonna be painful.  Briefly, she hopes. She throws off her one remaining spell, Summon Monster 1, and bolts in the other direction, hoping there are some city watch or Abadar clerics or hellknights or whoever the hell enforces the law in this godsforsaken shithole nearby.

A voice of cold command tells the summoned creature to still.

"Just grab her!"

As she passes the soybean plant it lurches up and wraps around her. At the same time, the double-edged sword pierces the side of her thick shirt, missing her body.

Several people are closing in behind her.

Well, this is it. Not much she can do now. "Oh gods please just make it quick!" She really hopes they aren't Zon-Kuthon cultists. Shit, are those even illegal here? He is Lawful.

A whoosh, the creature's screech, a clattering of glass, another screech, and a curse behind her. The monster is still giving them some trouble. But they're hitting it.

In part with expensive fucking concoctions, it sounds like.

The blonde leaves the sword in her left hand and grabs Katie's right shoulder with her right. It's a strong grip.

"Is she safe? Do I need to spare her?"

"Not dangerous, not safe, kill her."

"Now, come on, guys."

It's the voice that issued the command to the monster, which they're still fighting with vials.

"She deserves a chance to prove she's another gift from Urgathoa."

"Her spirit, like."

Snicker.

"Fine."

She can almost certainly take care of the little shit, but they don't know that.

When this all goes to Heaven it'll serve them as a lesson in prejudice.

If it ends up doing them in, well, she can't take care of them forever. And she doesn't have other worthy successors.

She throws an ordinary metal knife into the beast, which looks pretty hobbled by now.

"Outsider.

Dispel your attendant."

She does as ordered and scans her captors. Holy shit the tiefling and the blonde are both hot. Is it common for underground evil cultists to be that big? She's never seen any in person before. Also it's just now striking her how weird it is for all these people to be women. Has she died and gone to one of the Good afterlives already? She thinks that would be more overt and also she would have to go through the Boneyard first. Wait, the hot one said Urgathoa. That's the undead one right, not the torture one or the slavery one? Why would they have use for living captives? Wait, shit, she's also the disease one. Are they gonna use her as a test subject for bioweapons? Oh gods, she should've gone down fighting, she's so stupid. "Please, have mercy, my family is wealthy, they can pay a ransom, also do you really wanna mar a pretty girl's face with plague buboes, surely you can find some ugly old guy to experiment on, right?" She has that plea cached in case of a situation like this and is realizing she wasn't really supposed to use it on women, but female evil cultists are probably more likely to be lesbians anyway. Which, y'know, would be nice. Gods damnit, don't kid yourself Katie, it wouldn't be nice, they're gonna replace your spine with a giant parasitic worm from the Abyss, not fuck you.

"What is to be allowed to prove?"

"First of all, that she is not a little bitch."

"Child."

"Cease your attempts to bargain with fleas. We are not fleas. You will either be remade in our image or you will not leave here."

Huh, well at the very least their image doesn't look obviously gross. "Are you guys, like, vampires? That's the only kind of undead that can pass for living, right? Er, I guess ghouls could maybe pass for living to some really dumb peasant who had never seen an elf before and thought they were all blue and fanged, but you, uh, don't seem skinny enough to be ghouls. Er, no offense, I mean, just that you're not horrifically emaciated and all, which I'm told ghouls are. And also, like, you have hair, I think they don't have that either." She's so going to get tortured.

God, she's too cute to die.

"Teg is a vampire." She gestures at the blonde woman holding Katie. "The rest of us are a kind of undead you won't find in textbooks."

Cough. ". . . Stranger, how did you evade a Detect Thoughts, anyway?"

<Message@(all-Outsider)>"I registered nothing unusual. However it happened, I'm sorry I failed y'all."</Message>

She can't imagine why anyone would bother staking them out. Like no-really-even-taking-a-step-back-and-asking-on-a-meta-level-she-can't-imagine-why. But she's not going to mention that to these lumps of clay [ affectionate ], who don't understand the concept of constant vigilance.

"I have no idea. I'm only a first level wizard, and my Wisdom isn't the best either. Tell me more about this fascinating new kind of undead." Good, good, keep them talking. God, she hopes they have body heat. God, she's so stupid, they're evil undead cultists and she's here hoping for not only sex but cuddles afterward.

"Ah, the normal way that would go is, you would get it explained it to you, willingly sacrificing your ignorance in exchange for the choice whether to become one of us or not. But you're more likely to adapt to a transformation your psyche hasn't already developed antibodies to, and if you sacrifice your ignorance and your will rejects the prospect, your psyche develops antibodies. So, you see, telling you about it probably makes it less likely that you'll survive the ritual!"

"I could just turn her."

"You could not."

She could strangle Tazich right now. There is absolutely nothing she can say to that, but what the fuck.

With an air of grim finality—not so much authority, as resignation—she kneels and starts drawing circles in chalk on the floor.

She follows suit, only she takes pillows out of a bag of holding. Giant-ass pillows, red and all velvety. Pillow after pillow after pillow.

People generally start fumbling around in their packs for things.

"Can I make a last request?" Fuck it. She's fucked anyway. No point holding back.

"No."

"Are you, like, in charge here? So far that isn't really clear."

The little shit is irritating. She wants to gag her. But that would just obviate the whole pageant.

"Chelish, I take it?" Her voice is dry as sand and cold as an Arctic waste.

Meanwhile, people resume scouring the shelves, cataloguing them and murmuring to one another.

What came out of the packs appears to be . . . dishes. Some ceramic, some wooden, some metal. A couple people have matching sets, the rest mismatched.

"How dare you accuse me of such a thing. So like, why am I being picked for this? Whatever's going on here has to be expensive. Is it really a good idea to just use the first lady who walked in on your activities, rather than just killing me and getting someone better?"

"Actually, it's very cheap," says Teg, to whom it has occurred to bind Katie more securely to the plumbing. "At least the way we do it." Not to say they're the best at cutting costs, but you can do an Urgathoa ritual for way less than is popularly believed. Which is probably not an accident.

"So like, are those bowls and plates for my blood and viscera and whatnot?" God, vampire lady has really nice hair. And, y'know, a nice tummy. And tits.

"-- No, that's what we decided not to do." Fuck, does she sound mad about that?

"Oh. Well that's a relief. What are they for then?"

Is she allowed to say?

"Letho~"

"And other stuff. Mostly other stuff, I mean, come on. There's no fucking meat on it, it flies, it's basically a sparrow." She hears herself sound impatient and it pisses her off. They are now moving at like 30% efficiency towards snacks. Not the outsider's fault she fell through the roof though. "But, yeah, that's the special thing for tonight. That, besides all this—" she waves at the fertilizers, pesticides, growth potions, etc., and seemingly at the optical and biochemistry equipment too "—whatever use we can make of it acutely, that is." She turns back with an intense focus.

"Well I have no idea what you guys are talking about but uuuh, blonde lady, you seem weirdly nice for a vampire. But then, that may just be because you're really pretty."

"I--" not hope, hope is Iomedae's, 'strive for' "--strive for you to make it."

That's it, that's all she can say. Really all she can even think. 'I strive for you to make it.' It's too close, the stranger, to -- too many different things she's learned to accept the loss of, layered on top of one another.


She focuses on looking forward to the Letho blood. And then the other part of what the stranger said catches up with her.

"Oh, some crazy Chelish guy is making giant flying wolves that somehow count as part human for some magical purposes. And I'm an anthropovore, so . . ."

". . . By the way, what's --" BY GOD SHE SHOULDN'T ASK THIS "--your name? Mine's Teg, if you didn't catch it." WHAT ARE THEY DOING, WHAT CONVERSATION IS GOING ON TONIGHT

"I'm Katie! Hey, wait, what was that about flying chelish wolves?"

There's a clattering from one of the back rooms, what mostly looked like meeting rooms.

She runs out.

"Five guinea pigs."

She's holding one out, a black-and-white piebald one. It's squeaking.

???? What do they want guinea pigs in here for? Oh, forget it, Somayyeh, mandarins don't do things for reasons.

"Praise the Gay Patient."

Somayyeh is laying something on a bit thick there, isn't she?

whatever, snacks

She answers Katie's question before she gets distracted [ actually, should she get distracted? whatever, if Katie escapes that was Urgathoa's will too. plus she's pretty securely bound ].

"Well, they're really good in combat, and they don't answer directly to Hell, but they're smart enough that they can answer directly to Cheliax." She grimaces. "They don't have souls though. He's making other stuff too. Evil phoenixes . . ."

"Hey guys, I don't mean to be a bother, but --"

Teg is showered in a rain of thrown guinea pigs as people remember.

She catches them all, gathers them all up into her cloak and holds it at arm's length.

"Aww, babies! Oh, shit, you're totally gonna sacrifice these things, aren't you. Oh, well, whatever, not like they live very long anyway I guess."

She does not appear to be paying very much attention directly to Katie anymore. She is paying a lot of attention to her cloak.

"Hey, Tazich --" head jerk toward Katie "-- could you --?"

Nod. Though also paying a lot of attention to Teg's cloak, she moves and takes up the watch over Katie's semiprone, bound form, fiddling with one of two hilts with an eyebrow raised.

She edges into a darkish corner, drops all the guinea pigs in her lap, puts up the cloak with one arm as a privacy barrier, and with the other hand breaks their necks before draining them one by one.

People continue sifting through the lab stuff. Ran has put together a makeshift stove on the floor, embanked slightly in the hallway so it won't be seen from outside even through the front-entrance curtains. [ The lamps they've left on are dimmer and softer than the fire. ]

When she lowers the cloak there's still enough blood around her mouth to make it obvious what she's been doing. She's not very conscious of that, though. She nudges the drained guinea pigs a bit away from her so the others can retrieve them.

She picks -- what appear to be not soybeans, actually, but fava beans -- from the tortured, mammoth plant that's been disentangled from Katie and now reaches halfway across the shop floor, and throws them in one of the pans over the fire, which Somayyeh has gotten up to Create Water into.

They generally confer about what to put in the four pots. They toss a [ beheaded, skinned and gutted ] guinea pig in one of them and it starts subtly growing.

They rouse Teg and sub in Ran to watch Katie so Tazich can help too. Out of the bag of holding the non-Ran four heft a dead bat-winged wolf the size of a draft horse, pushing it off to the side of the ritual circle. Its ears resemble a sheep's and its limply rolling eyes resemble a human's.

Teg and Tazich in particular appear distracted by it.

"Wait, are you guys... cooking? The guinea pigs weren't sacrifices, they were ingredients! Is this, like, part of the ritual, or are you just hungry?"

"There's a little-known Neutral Evil saying. 'You can maximize two functions at once.'"

"Y'know, it's considered very rude to not share food with your guests."

??? Is Urgathoa messing with them?

She signals Ran to open up a Whisper, and has Ran signal Teg to Detect Evil on Katie.

She does as told, casting the spell over Katie's general area.

Nope.

Hm, somehow that actually feels more unsettling.

She tries to keep her composure.

"That is the plan. You might live, kid."

Please, Urgathoa, kill her. She will die, right?

She considers framing the outsider for an escape attempt so the skirmish ending in the stranger's execution, which is looking increasingly less likely, can happen as Somayyeh originally envisioned it.

"I've never had guinea pig before. Is it good?"

"In my opinion."

"Of course you've had guinea pig."

They butcher and enpot the rest of the guinea pigs, to various effects. The pot with the fava beans in it starts boiling over and Tazich smoothly fills several giant glass columns [ that were maybe for hydroponics or growing large plants ]. People generally start looking at Somayyeh with a kind of vaguely impatient, are we underway and free to start eating? look.

" . . . May the offering be of such use as the goddess of appetites intended."

May that use be as meat.

"Smells delicious. You guys are the most hospitable death cultists I've ever met. Also the only death cultists I've ever met."

. . . yes, Tazich, you have to give her a guinea pig. But what if this is going too easy on her to start

"Wait, she doesn't have any arms -- never mind, I'll feed her." She feels like an idiot. She also feels hungry.

She starts pulling huge groundfruits out of the bag of holding. Several go in one of the pots, but Ran takes the knife that's with her dishes, carves wedges out of one, and starts eating them raw. It seems to have a texture between melon and ginger, and smells starchy. Ran thinks to season it after starting.

She descends upon the giant dead winged wolf, relaxing into a desperate, feral stance, and tugging it bodily several feet toward herself into the reception area, before disappearing herself and its neck area under a parachute-like flash of cloak.

Whine.

Growl.

Whine.

People watch Teg's area alertly for an odd fraction of a minute, for signs of the tip into feeding frenzy. It's hard to remember to treat the giant wolf, for vampire safety purposes, as if it were a human corpse and had that much live-ammunition gravity. But that's how dangerous it is.

"Wow, I don't even think most monarchs have their servants do that for them! And definitely not by sexy muscular tieflings, me-ow." Fuck it, she's being kidnapped and used as some kind of test subject by cultists, all social taboos are out the window at this point. Well, except the one about complimenting women on the size of their bellies. If this lady actually is into her, that one might put her off.

Grrrrrwhiiine??

<Message@Katie>[ through clenched teeth ] "I think she likes you. Like, in an eat-y way. Probably best not to talk until she's done."</Message>

Well, she has company in that.

She makes an impassive face at Katie.

<Message@Ran> "The vampire? Are they more inclined to eat people they like? I'm not exactly an expert." </Message>

<Message@Katie>"Well, it's antibodies, again, kinda. She has appetite antibodies to the rest of us. You're fresh blood."</Message>

The truly absurd amounts of dried meat, starches, and fruit start coming out of the bag and going on tarps vaguely around the center of the ritual circle.

She starts packing up the last of their haul of the instruments, and a few of the potions.

What the hell.

She pulls out two of the guinea pigs, dunks one in cold water and starts eating one sort of like a hot dog herself, and carries the second one over to Katie.

Then realizes she should probably at least salt and cumin it, because there's no way Katie is as hungry as she is.

Then she holds it near Katie's mouth, smiling. She's still eating the other with her other hand. Enjoying it a lot.

Chomp. "Not gonna season your own? Not very Evil of you to treat your captives better than you treat yourself."

"Mphghngry." There is a world of emphasis behind the word.

Chomp. "Fair enough. I happen to like a woman with an appetite." That can't get her in trouble, can it?

She looks her up and down, most of the way done with her own guinea pig. Katie has taken two bites.

"Mgh you ngmneed to mgheat."

Blush. "Y-yes ma'am." She begins chomping faster. "Ugh, I hate having to eat around the bones."

She rotates the creature so that its boneless flank is in Katie's face, presses it in, and raises her eyebrows.

Chomp chomp chomp. "Mmm, tender and juicy."