McGonagall is, of course, there. She does need to eat.

The girl walks up to the Headmistress. "Hello, Professor! I'd like to talk about stuff, and I don't think it's stuff other students should hear about because otherwise it'll be ruined."

"Yes! Ruined! Has to be a secret!" she tries to inject seriousness into her voice, but she is kinda being overdramatic there, she doesn't quite succeed.

"Well," says McGonagall dryly, "perhaps you would like to visit my office during one of your free periods so there will be no one about to ruin anything."

"Oh. So not today? I kinda wanted it to be today. Well, soon, anyway, because sooner is better. Although I guess a few days won't ruin it too much."

"Or this evening, if you are in an especial hurry."

"Yes, if it could be this evening that'd be best!" She pauses. "Can I invite one other student, too? I don't know if they'll be interested in coming but it just occurred to me that they might."

"Yes, Miss Woods," sighs McGonagall.

"Thank you! I promise you'll like it!" Pause. "I promise I think you'll like it!"

"I wouldn't doubt it," McGonagall says.

"She said you could talk to the Hat?" guesses Miranda.

"We-ell, I didn't ask in so many words..."

"What did she say yes to then?"

"Talking about stuff that maybe other students shouldn't hear about because otherwise it'll be ruined."

"...So you got her to agree that she would talk to you another time. That doesn't mean much."

"It means she's expecting a talk about sensitive issues and I couldn't very well ask her about the Hat thing right there in the middle of the Great Hall where anyone could overhear and she'd get all suspicious, I need to explain my motivations first and those are totally secret."

"I guess."

"I also told her another student might want to come with, so do you wanna come?" Pause. "The invitation is extended to you two as well but I think you'd be less interested in that," she says to Willow and Karen.

"No thanks!"

"I suppose I might as well."

"Yay! Cool! It'll be fun. I wonder if we can both wear the Hat at the same time. Also I wonder how it manages to speak."

"I do not think we can both wear the Hat at the same time."

She shrugs. "Oh well. Hm. Can it listen to things people say when they're not wearing it? Or can it just read minds?"

"I'm not sure. Nobody spoke aloud to it during the Sorting."

"You know, sometimes even I question what I'm even doing in Slytherin."

"Why?"

"I'm certainly way more curious than any other Slytherin I know."

"Maybe they're just less overtly curious, so no one can guess what they're up to."

She smiles fondly at Miranda. "It's cute when you think other Slytherins are as smart as you."

"It's not 'other Slytherins'. I'm a Ravenclaw."

She giggles. "My bad."

"Anyway, they don't have to be as smart as me to be up to something and not want to make it really obvious what it is."

"That's true, I suppose. But I don't actually make it really obvious to anyone that's not you guys. Because I like you and I trust you." Is her look at Miranda a bit pointed? Yes, it might be.

"I'm still not telling you what I'm up to. Consider yourself lucky that you get to know that I might be up to something."

"Nrgh!"

Miranda sticks her tongue out.

"I'm not doing it to be mean."

Miranda cackles.

Sadde starts laughing as well.

"If I were nice to you just because even when I had reasons to do otherwise you wouldn't admire me so much, anyway."

She shrugs. "Yeah, I can still complain about it, though, I'm curious. I don't even wanna do anything with the knowledge, but you're, like, dangling it in front of my eyes just out of my reach."

"Well, I can stop mentioning it and pretend I'm very boring, if you prefer."

"I don't see that you're giving me much choice in the matter."

"How am I not?" she asks indignantly.

"Well, the only way for you not to call me mean is if I do just what you want. Isn't that a little mean in itself?"

"...fffffiiiiine. I guess you can keep your 'free will' and 'agency,'" she says, with air quotes.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome!" she says brightly.

And that evening Miranda joins Sadde to visit McGonagall's office, Sadde having received a note at lunch that the password is currently "biscuit".

"That's a cute password," Sadde comments to the Headmistress when she walks in.

"Thank you, Miss Woods. What was it you wanted to speak to me about?" says McGonagall.

"Well, basically, I want to fix Slytherin's reputation and make it so the Hat doesn't just send all evil kids and kids who don't care anyway to the House. Cunning and ambition do not mean evil, and evidently neither do they mean hate for muggles," she says, gesturing at herself.

"Well - I suppose there's no harm in letting you talk to the hat," says McGonagall. "Is there someone against whom disciplinary action is currently needed?"

She sighs. "Well, I mean, in theory I do, but like, it feels like the standard methods aren't actually working? Unless internal policing has been extremely lax these past few years, but Professor Slughorn doesn't look like—well, I mean, he's fun and boisterous and stuff, but he looks like the kind of person who takes serious things seriously?"

"Professor Slughorn was brought out of retirement a few years ago," McGonagall says. "Prior to that time the head of house was Professor Snape, who did not devote very much attention to such affairs. So there may be some lingering effects from that, although you are correct that Professor Slughorn takes a serious approach to serious matters."

"Hm. In that case, there's this boy called Nyle Arens who jinxed me the other day, Professor Spukhafte might tell you about what happened, and he also punched me and flung me against a wall. This last part was in revenge, though, because I replaced all his underwear with girls' underwear, which I did because of the jinxing. So I guess both of us need disciplinary action?"

"Wouldn't it be funny if this was enough to make them get in line?" she giggles. "Anyway, can I talk to the hat? Or did the underwear thing cross some line?"

Hello again. It's not often I speak to the same student twice.

Your own successes will lend it greatness, the hat says. And its greatness, such as it has, will encourage more children to consider it, which will give me more flexibility to fill it with the best suited instead of the least unwilling.

Well, yeah, sure, I imagined something like that would happen already, but surely there's some way to help now? I expect you can't tell me personal stuff about the students, and I wouldn't really want to know them anyway, but maybe you could give me some tips? I was thinking about uniting the first years and having us become an actually positive influence there, sort of a reverse peer pressure to the older years, and also to the younger years. Professor McGonagall said that better policing was also going to happen.

Slytherins do not take so well to being policed. You're too liquid and determined. Directing their efforts toward things other than infighting will work better than trying to disincentivize infighting. First years will have difficulty commanding respect; you will find this obstacle shrinks over time, and faster the more accomplishments you have to your collective names.

Hmmm, do you think Professor McGonagall would go for that? The no-policing thing? I like the idea of directing efforts, though, that feels nicer. Do you think I have any chance of getting the older students to change, too?

I don't mean to say that policing ought to be eschewed entirely. Only that it will not curb misbehavior altogether, in any quantity. Your odds are poor but not negligible. But first you must impress them. Or trick them, if you can.

She grins. Oooh, those sound like good ideas! I bet I can impress them quickly. I'm pretty impressive, she sends, a tad smug.

This attitude will serve you well, says the hat.

She giggles. I know. Any other tips? Also can I status report in the future? And if McGonagall really likes me, would you mind too much if I came back just to ask you lots of questions?

I usually have little else to do, says the hat. Cultivate social capital in any quantity you can and spend it down as needed; it does no good hoarded and is your most valuable currency.

Wow, who'd have thought an ancient magical artifact would have so much wisdom! She's clearly jesting. Anyway, thanks for the advice. Hopefully I'll manage to get you some better candidates for Slytherin in the future!

Best of luck.

"I see," says McGonagall, who may be trying not to laugh.

"So, do you think there's any way you could help with that, Professor?" she asks innocently.

"I was mostly joking about the Queen Firstie thing, but yes I definitely will become impressive academically. I've got Potions and Transfiguration in mind so far, if I have lots of free time I might add Charms—definitely not Herbology. And a club... what kinda club would Slytherins want to actually join? Other than 'We hate muggles' club, that one didn't end well..."

"You could find out what clubs they're already in and see if any of them wish there were any other kinds," Miranda suggests.

"Good idea!" she says brightly. "I would actually be surprised if they were in many, what with the whole 'everyone other than themselves hates them,' but I guess it's worth looking into it. Hmm, I might actually have to be friendly to a lot of people who think I'm only marginally less contemptible than dirt they scrapped off their boots..."

She shrugs. "It's the 'not disruptive' part that I'm doubtful of," she says. "I think Jacob might actually be too terrified of the older years to ask, but sure, I'll see if he can do it. And if he won't, well, maybe I could befriend the other firsty snakes and see if they could do it. Ooooor I could actually be friendly to the older years, without being doormatty, that actually sounds like fun, too."

I think this might be the first time two students I'd already spoken to come to me on the same day.

Well, Sadde was already going and invited me along.

I see. Have you had a change of heart about your House? I'm afraid now there's nothing I can do to change it, if that's the case.

I still prefer Ravenclaw, but you might have wrangled me into Slytherin if I didn't come before Sadde in the alphabet. Maybe.

That's a shame, then. But alas, I cannot control what last names students have.

I know. But I still don't think Slytherin would have helped me. Me helped Slytherin, maybe, but Sadde's determined to drag me into that no matter what color trim I have on my robes.

You could have helped Slytherin help you. It would greatly benefit from your greatness, and you could reshape the Slytherins to come, who would in turn owe their own greatness to you. Not that you are unlikely to be great regardless of which House you find yourself in, but you will find fewer peers in them.

I didn't want to be distracted frontloading that kind of effort. On a political project, which is not my strength.

Very well. Do you seek counsel, as young Miss Woods did?

Not especially, but if you do have any advice which still applies while I'm in Ravenclaw...

Beyond what we have already discussed, there is little Slytherin could do for you that Ravenclaw cannot, and your friendship with Miss Woods might well provide you with much her House would otherwise have. I am afraid I have no advice I could give you that you would not be able to generate yourself, at least without knowing about any specific goals you have in mind.

I have a lot of goals, but most of them hinge on being able to do novel magic of one sort or another.

I am unfortunately not the best magical artefact to help you with that.

Do you know where to find other magical artifacts?

I know where to find one, but I'm afraid you don't quite meet the requirements to use it yet.

What? What is it?

The Sword of Gryffindor.

'Yet'? I'm not a Gryffindor and wouldn't be even if I'd let you place me, you think I could meet its requirements later?

It is not impossible. The Sword presents itself to those who need it and who deserve to wield it. House affiliation has little to do with deserving it; bravery and chivalry in the face of injustice and evil, especially to help others, are closer to what it looks for.

Huh. I'll bear that in mind.

I hope you never find yourself in need of it.

Yeah, sounds like if I'm in a situation like that I've probably already gone wrong somewhere.

Unless you become a markedly different person in the next few years, yes.

Miranda giggles. Anything else I should know?

Nothing I can think of.

"What'd you talk about?" she asks immediately.

"It doesn't know where I can get ahold of any other artifacts besides itself or have a lot of advice that I don't already know."

"I'm drawing conclusions about your goals based on that!" she says, grinning.

"If you can figure them out from the fact that some kind of artifact that might or might not exist would be useful if I found it you deserve to know."

"I said I was drawing conclusions, not that I got you figured out. You remain a mystery to me, just slightly less mysterious."

"That's fine. Thanks, Professor," Miranda says again, and she departs the Headmistress's office.

In the Potions dungeon, where she will be organizing the ingredients cupboard and scrubbing out cauldrons.

She's certain she can make this fun somehow! "Hello, Professor!"

"Right on time, Miss Woods." Slughorn points her at the work and gets to grading essays.

"Not in detail."

"Oh, but some, then? I was thinking I'd unite the firsty snakes, get us to be a force opposed to the older ones' prejudice and stuff. A friend," who is totally not her Ravenclaw-not-a-Slytherin friend called Miranda, "suggested clubs, something to channel their energy away from infighting and muggle hate. Also there's the 'being awesome and making people want to be Slytherin and awesome too' strategy but that's longer term, except I need to be at least a little awesome first so the older years will take me seriously. And also I want to be friends with everyone and start undoing some of the stereotypes against snakes."

"Well, I can't fault your ambition," chuckles Slughorn.

"Right! Also I want to make a new Philosopher's Stone and a Panacea but that's for later. Anyhow, d'you think you could help some? In a, you know, more Slytherin way? Nudge some students my way, maybe? I think you could probably help, you're our Head of House, surely people will listen to you and your expertise more than they'd do me."

"I'm only so often approached for advice reasonably given in the form of 'why don't you talk to Miss or Mr. Woods as the case may be'. It would be easier if you were a source of tutoring, but you are likely unqualified to tutor anything other than possibly Muggle Studies, which exactly two Slytherins are currently taking and, I believe, passing without trouble."

"Oh, but that's promising already. Two Slytherins taking Muggle Studies? Who? I could start by talking to them, they should be more approachable. I got Jacob to start asking around for clubs Slytherins might want to join and see if I can't start one—or maybe he could, it's best if the Muggleborn isn't the founder at least for now." She beams. "I got a really good feeling about this project!"

"The Muggle Studies curriculum was suspended last year and is in a bit of a jumble now, but currently taking it are Cole Horsefeather and Astoria Greengrass."

...Horsefeather and Greengrass? Seriously? She giggles and writes the names down on her notepad. "Okay, thanks!"

"You're welcome." He looks meaningfully at her work yet to be done.

She continues to do work! It is actually fun. Well, not the scrubbing cauldrons part, but the organising ingredients, yes, she every now and then asks questions about them because everything's just so interesting!

Slughorn, distracted by his grading, answers her questions as long as she doesn't slow down.

She doesn't!

Then she will learn things about potions ingredients.

The usual suspects are at the Ravenclaw table.

"Hi! So I talked to Cole and Astoria."

"And?"

"Aaaaand it turns out Muggle Studies is a pretty ludicrously bad class," she giggles. "Why don't they get a muggleborn to teach it?"

"I don't know! Why, what horrible things are they learning?"

"Well I don't know all the details, but they have a pretty poor understanding of how electricity works, and they have very mistaken notions about the cultural meaningfulness of rubber ducks."

"To be fair, most Muggles don't really know how electricity works either. Why are they even bothering to cover rubber ducks, though?"

"I have no idea, I didn't ask."

"It seems like a questionable curriculum decision."

"Yeah," she says. "That's a job I could take if everything else goes wrong, I guess."

"Teaching doesn't appeal?"

"It kinda does, but more as a hobby than as anything I'd do for a living."

"I wonder why the professors don't make more use of teaching assistants."

"Well, there don't seem to be people lining up to work here. Or do you mean like students doing it?"

"Students. Sixth years, probably, the seventh-years have to study for NEWTs."

"Hmmm, yeah, I dunno. Maybe the students just don't care enough?" she shrugs.

"You'd think at least the core subjects would have it. Flitwick must be drowning in work."

"Maybe they all have secret clones working a lot."

"What's a clone?"

"It's someone who's identical to you but isn't a twin and wasn't born at the same time as you and they're artificial."

"Like an identical twin where one was paused for a long time and also wasn't made in the first place until after the long time had passed."

"Whyyyy would anyone do that?"

"So that one can teach classes while the other's resting and vice-versa, of course."

"But that's not how twins work..."

"It's not how clones work either - and mostly clones don't work; they could but nobody really does it - but there are a lot of dumb stories about clones where they work that way."

"If it was a really good clone and cloned the brain too then they'd know everything the original knew, too."

"No, it wouldn't. You'd have to do something else in addition to cloning."

"That's why I said cloned the brain too! Like, instead of just copying the genes, you'd copy the person as a whole!"

"That's not cloning anymore, then, that's something else."

She shrugs. "Okay, copy, then."

"Anyway, I don't think there's a copy of Professor Flitwick helping him grade papers."

"There probably isn't," she agrees.

"Did you get much of anywhere with Cole and Astoria besides noting the poor quality of the Muggle Studies class?"

Sadde was watching the whole exchange with a smirk, but then says, "Oh, yeah. Astoria was only in it for the easy credits, and Cole pretended that was true of himself as well but he was actually really curious about how people deal without magic. I think there's some parents stuff going on there."

"Huh."

"Yeah, like, blood purism run in families I guess? So when I offered to talk to him without any witnesses he scoffed but then did show up. He's actually pretty nice, he's the one who told me—well, asked me about rubber ducks. Astoria was more flippant, but she didn't act disgusted by my very existence, and she thought Arens was a twat and I felt really really tempted to sow some discord there but I actually defended him! ...in a, you know, 'oh poor thing he doesn't know better' condescending kind of way but still it could have been much worse and I think I deserve a cookie for my self restraint!"

Karen grabs the most similar thing within arm's reach to a cookie (it's a frosted madeleine) and hands it over.

Om nom! She beams at Karen.

"Well, I'm glad you're having fun with politics."

"I am! Jacob's gonna report to me this weekend about stuff."

"Report to you."

"...wow, do I have a conspiracy already?"

"Or something!"

"Nope! I am the Underground Queen Firsty! Pulling strings aboveground, only a select trusted few know the extent of my influence, everything's under my control, mwa ha ha." She grins.

"I feel so honored to be a select trusted few."

"You should be! And when your mysterious ambitions bear fruit and you take over the world you'll have all these nifty little connections and this web of influence via me!"

"You can network so I don't have to."

"Why don't you like networking?"

"It's... fine in theory, but I'm an introvert and don't like hanging out with people I don't really like, and I don't really like most people."

"Well, I guess it's my turn to feel flattered, then!"

"You're interesting. If irrepressible."

"Would I be as interesting if I were repressible?"

"You could be."

"Ceteris paribus!"

"You'd be differently interesting and possibly in a more focused way. But if that was all you changed and you didn't replace your irrepressibility with anything else you'd probably have a lot of time allocated for doing literally nothing, which would admittedly be dull."

"Yeah! And I think it's fun to be irrepressible. You should try it sometime." She shakes her head. "Anyway, why do you not really like a lot of people?"

"Usually there just doesn't seem to be any reason to like them."

"...huh. Yeah that's not really how I work."

"Obviously."

She grins.

"What would our club do?"

"I dunno, maybe design cute T-shirts saying stuff like 'I knew the Empresses before it was cool.'"

Giggle.